Category Archives: Journal

All morning the Illuminati believes Lacey is David Kennedy’s daughter because Lacey puts them on.

Before she went to bed at 4 AM Lem warned them to leave her alone.

Now…they’re being confronted.

“Why do you keep insulting our family!?” asks Mark Nesheim.

“Yeah! We’re not poor!” says Dennis Anderson.

“Ha!! You’re POOR!!!” yells a New Money billionaire.

“No they’re NOT!!” yells Norway for the umpteenth time.

“Whatever!!” says an American New Money billionaire.

“What’s Gunhild’s last name?” says Alisha, desperately.

“Berge.” says Lacey.

“That’s even worse!!!” says a New Money guy from New Jersey.

“What is Old Money to you?” asks an American.

“AINT MUCH! It’s just all about the Benjamins Bebe!” he says. He scoffs. Crosses his legs.

Ulysses laughs.

“What!? You’re poor as fuck!” he says to Ulysses.

He laughs harder.

“But if you were to just like humor us, who would be old money to you?” asks another reader.

“The Rockefellers in the past when they were billionaires. People like that when they actually had the dough. Look, I’ve got a business to run bitch. If she ain’t got it liquid I ain’t gotta worry.” he says.

“Do you consider yourself old money?” says Ulysses.

“Yeah, I’m a classy kind of guy!” he says.

“ is Chris Hayes rich to you?” asks Dennis Anderson.

“Look…the kids got classy lives in New York City that’s a real classy fucking place. Sure, as fuck he is rich that Lil Kike!” he says.

“ is this a parity of you or is this you?” says Dennis Anderson.

“ it is me and a parody of Me.” he says.

“ so you got a lot of dough and now you’re running things? why is Chris Hayes is 6 million more important than their families hundred million and trillion?” says Johnny Anderson.

“ because I am personally friends with Chris Hayes. I don’t know the fuck of any of you.” he says, offended.

“ how the hell would you know us you dip shit!?” says Dennis.

“ you don’t live in the right place and that’s all that counts to me.” he says.

“ where are you? Are the people who thought it made sense to sell children?” says Johnny.

“ I live in New York! And I live in California.

I have a house in Florida!

I’m a very wealthy man!” he says.

“ so you really were one of the people who thought that we should sell children?” says Dennis.

“lock they’re light weight! You can carry them pretty easily! Human cargo is a little harder to manage. A child is smaller! I’d sell dogs, but people don’t generally fuck a dogs. somewhere along the line I realize the kids can sometimes be molested. Or people like me did about 40 years ago. and so listen it’s a really good way to make a quick buck.” he says.

“ so you don’t understand social class?” says a reader.

“ I am a very intelligent man! I’m a very intelligent man, Harvard University! YALE! I’m a fricken genius!” he says.

“ but you’re really just a thug?” says Dennis.

“ I resent the implication. Thank you very much.” he says.

“ did the old buddy establishment accept you?” says Dennis.

“ they sure as fuck did!

It’s the American way!

The royal family and I are real good close friends!

What does fuck is that? Lol damn Castleville is so cute. Shit!

they betrayed Lacey after the queen died. I know I feel kind of sorry for her myself. Those cheap little fuckers from Greece!

Oh well!

I’m not totally heartless!” he says.

“ why did you betray my friend?” says Queen Elizabeth II to her family.

“ because this guy told us to.” they admit.

“ why the fuck does he control you people!?” says Lacey.

“ they started controlling us in the 1950s and I got progressively worse.” says Bertie.

“ are they American?” says Lacey.

“ yes!” says a man.

“ who the fuck are these people?” says Lacey.

“ just a bunch of well new money mostly billionaires from America.” says one of their wives.

“ does Lacey narcissistically offend you?” asks David A. Kennedy.

“ Bobby is sleeping with one of you isn’t it?” says Dennis.

“ yes he is.” one of them says.

“ yes, she narcissistically offends me.” he says. “ if there’s reincarnation, she reaches a level of respect and honor and class that I have yet to attain.”

“And that bothers you?” says David.

“ yeah, it bothers me. Look why didn’t you marry Rachel Ward!?” he says.

“ she was just too classy.” says David honestly.

“ she knew you had the dough. she understood!” he says. “ Lacey doesn’t even seem to take us seriously at all.”

“ I don’t money is a concept.” says Lacey.

“ why did you betray my friend?” says the Queen.

“ did we have an option of not betraying her?” says King Charles III.

“ of course you did and I would’ve had a hell of a lot more respect for you as people. And Russia would’ve been a little less so upset.” he says.

“ there is a class system, whether you like it or not.” says Dennis.

“ yeah, you sound like her.” he says.

“ it’s just reality!” says Dennis.

“ what the fuck do you want from me?” he says.

“ I just want you to acknowledge the reality of the situation.” says Mark Nesheim.

“ so I probably shouldn’t be trying to turn your people into my personal sex slaves like you’re a bunch of cheap shit.” he says.

“ no that’s dumb as fuck!” says Dennis.

“ but then what why do you feel that you have an exception!??” he says.

“ that’s just reality!” says Dennis.

“ yeah, you sound like Lacey!” he says.

“ look it’s like this I’m not your sex slave or your servant. I am in the upper class.” says Dennis. “ I offend you because you’re inferior to me! You think that I’m evil in a way that you are, and I am not.”

“ Lacey says that if she was poor, she’d have more grace for what I’ve put her through for the last 10 years.” he says.

India nods.

“ she could be right!” says Dennis.

“ I don’t understand it!” he says.

“ are you an idiot?” says Dennis, getting frustrated.

“ she tries to explain it and we just shout over her. it’s a shout over her. What is it?” they say.

“ psychologically if somebody is poor, they are prepared to live through poverty situations. That’s reality! When you’re raised in an old money, family like ours… you’re not expecting to be treated like a peasant piece of shit. You caught her off guard and defied reality because your narcissistically offended. You’ve destroyed the world because you’re dumb enough to think you have a moral argument when you don’t. You are self righteous little fuck! Why the hell can’t you understand any intellectual argument that she says of that nature!? You’re not us you’re not her you’re inferior genetically.

I am not impressed by your Harvard degree. I am not surprised by it either. There’s a reason my family doesn’t go to schools like that generally because of you and people like you who go there. I don’t hate you, but I find you abhorrent. If you don’t like that come get me in person you little fat fuck!” yells Dennis Anderson.

“ OK fine I see your argument!” he says.

“ it’s about what makes sense!! things have to make sense!!!” yells Harold Loeb. 

“ so you don’t care about the child sex slaves!?” he says.

“ no, we obviously do care! We care more than you do but we’re what is called a republican before Donald Trump took over and imitated me. Frankly, I should be the president in all reality. I am a genius. People in my family would be able to fix this country in about five seconds we wouldn’t of had a higher Elon musk and we probably would’ve been very charitable to you, depending on how sane you are.” says Dennis.

“ so you guys are like Elon Musk and Donald Trump combined and did you know that Lacey could’ve made 6 billion from bitcoin if she married Bill Rhea!?” says a woman.

“ no but I’m not surprised. Even if she’s not one of us biologically, she was raised in our family and we taught her how to do stuff like that.” says Dennis.

“ could you overthrow the US government Dennis?” he says.

“ i.e. good yes.” says Dennis.

“ i’m not those people I’m not that old money and I’m far more in the game.” says Tucker Carlson.

“ I know my family needed to try to recognize her as my friend not necessarily even upper class but probably.” says Queen Elizabeth II.

“ what would you have done if she’d been my wife?” says Michael.

“ Michael could she really have been your wife if there’s reincarnation I fear she’s a little too ferocious.” he says.

“ what if there’s not?” says Tom Banks.

“ if I could have married her, answer, my question and stop being so stupid and narcissistically offended.” says Michael.

“ am I really that fucked?” he says.

“YEAHH!!!!” yells a random coven.

“ Lacey says no we are going to acknowledge that.” says a voice.

“ or whether that’s me and you vastly underestimated what I did or ancient Egypt. She has more control over this than you do.” says Tom Banks.

“ were you more powerful than I am?” he says.

“ you know I probably was.” says Tom.

“ and what would you have done if she was my wife?” says Michael.

“ probably been intimidated by her and felt like a worthless piece of shit by comparison because I am and then been angry at God and decided to try to strangle a cat.” he says.

“ why didn’t you feel that way around us without her there?” says David Rockefeller.

“ because you ain’t as good looking as Lacey!” he says. 

“ did Tom Banks fuck her in Ancient Egypt!?” he says. “ was that the source of his power!?”

“ I highly doubt it!” says Palestine.

“ well, I don’t understand. Oh fuck out sometimes because I’ve noticed that when I do that we get more sunny days in Manhattan. See these people just don’t understand!” he says.

“ no we did not fuck cats to get sunny days in ancient Egypt.” says a man.

“ how the hell are you people so disrespectful of history?” asks Palestine.

“ because the British said that we could kiss the ass. I fuck Charles in the ass once in between his time with Camilla and Diana. He said it was kind of nice. He kind of liked it. It was a better than average orgasm. But the guy is pretty much 100% straight alright? And so he just said sorry but I gotta go back to the vagina. I could be a tampon in that woman’s vagina. I love going up in there! The cock in my ass hole is a pretty nice. But I prefer to stick my vagina up a woman’s vagina. Or rather, I prefer to stick my cock up a woman’s vagina any day of the week.

So Charlie boy has a wife OK fine we ain’t got a fuck no more I understand. I’m a classy guy.” he says.

“ we don’t know Lacey very well we’ve been giving you false information.” says a demon.

“ how do you not know her?” he says.

“ she’s so holy, we’re distracted harming other people because she’s impenetrable. Spiritually that we don’t really know her believe it or not there’s very little that she ever does wrong so we just don’t have a chance to study her. It’s like science we just don’t have a chance to get to know her.” says Hell.

“ I am so confused you rely on their information!??” says Lacey.

“ yea!” he says.

“ how the heck would they tell you the truth every time!??” says Mark Nesheim.

“ because we do things that are honorable to them we sacrifice things we harm children. We fuck cats.” he says.

“ I don’t think we understand Lacey and in ancient Egypt we were actually having sex with them like in the movie Suspirium Except it wasn’t creepy. It was creepy, but we were in essentially long-term stable relationships with that of a sexual nature. That was a very long time ago! So we know Lacey, but in a weird way, she almost feels more like one of our children or a cousin if there’s reincarnation that an average human. And sometimes you don’t know your family sometimes they can surprise you and you think you have them all figured out and you don’t. Lacey can’t figure out why you don’t just have sex with us or why you have to use these weird conduit’s to do so can you explain that or no?” says a demon.

“ you do possess us.” he says.

“ that’s not the same thing as you having sex directly with us. If there’s reincarnation, that’s what she’s doing with a ghost because she still knows how to do it. It’s in her mind it’s very easy to her, but she’s too ditzy to understand that. She thinks people think more like her than they do. So she’s able to have actual intercourse with a Lem’s. That’s essentially the same as if he was alive. He’s just missing a body and she said that and that’s literally what’s happening. No that is reality that really is reality.

I’m sorry if that offends you but that’s actual reality. Your understanding of her is based on your narcissism not science she’s actually sleeping with ghosts.

So if there’s reincarnation, they used to sleep with us in the same way and because it’s a fallen world, we were able to practically get them off just as much as a living person. She gets close to that with them, but that’s not quite what they do. Because it’s a fallen world we were actually able to do what they did, and do in Susperia and it’s not in a movie it’s reality. We were actually able to get into a sexual relationship with them that was far more intense than you think it was like actual sex between two living humans. So we did stuff for that because we actually started to develop romantic feelings for them. We do have emotions and we we did telekinesis. We did stuff like that. She’s tried to tell you that and you need to be less resistant to it if you want to know what’s going on.” says a demon.

“ did Zelda ever sleep with any of you?” he says.

“ if there’s reincarnation, yes she did.” says Scott.

“ so they had sex with demons and it was a long-term committed relationship?” he says.

“ yeah you think it’s a joke but it’s not if there’s reincarnations when she’s told you that we flew her through the air as a child we did. There are female demons, and if there’s reincarnation, there was a female demon who is having sex with her father the pharaoh and she felt maternal towards Lacey and so she put Lacey on her back and carried her a few feet in the air.” says a demon.

“ does that demon still exist?” he says.

“ no demons don’t actually exist forever part of the reason why we’ve resorted to becoming progressively more evil is because we’re running out of demons we overextend ourselves we run out of energy. So know that demon does not exist anymore. It’s like she’s actually dead. But if there’s reincarnation, God may bring that demon back because she was more of a mother to her than anything that anyone else has ever been.” says the demon crying.

“ we were still somewhat innocent back then we were evil, but not as evil as we are now. We were fallen angels we were fallen beings from heaven that’s just what we were there’s arguments about it, but that’s nonsense. We were basically fallen angels, and so we still had some innocence, and that that being was somewhat maternal towards her if there’s reincarnations, or there are demons, I could feel that way who have existed.” says a demon.

“ so we should probably figure out whether or not there’s reincarnation, huh???” says Helena Bonham Carter.

“ i’m actually intrigued by this, so you guys built the pyramids using telekinesis for real if there’s reincarnation?” he says.

“ yes and if you fix the clock downstairs, things would actually be smoother in the world if there’s reincarnation, because she really is Scotia.” says a demon.

“ do you remember her mother figure!?” he says.

“ you’re not like her father I’m sorry we’re fallen or evil and that’s what you never seem to understand you’re in this temporary state of inferiority you’re not supposed to take it as your absolute identity. And you know that but you also don’t seem to know that. And yes, that making that clockwork would be a way of honoring her demon mother figure from ancient Egypt. If there’s reincarnation, she started to fade in the 1800s she was very maternal she may have been Mollock’s wife. she was very maternal!” the demon says.

“ and you all still love her?” he says.

“ as much as we’re capable, yes.” he says.

“ and I would honor that because you’re trying to be honorable.” says God.

“ he’s actually very nice. I’m sorry you don’t know Him.” says the demon.

“ so basically, Dennis Anderson you’re explaining to me that if there’s reincarnation, I make absolutely no sense when I attack her.” he says.

“No. I am.” says Tom.

“ but I did help raise her and so you have to take that into account. He gave her to us if she is his biological daughter because it made sense for some reason to him.” says Dennis. “ look I’m not saying it’s good. You seem to miss understand that I’m saying that it’s just the way things work. There’s a difference!”

Later.

“ and if there’s not reincarnation, it’s just me! Lem’s is able to protect her as well, but I was far more powerful than him.” says Tom Banks.

“ are demons capable of being that maternal?” asks Roseanne.

“ yes they are.” says God. “ why is it that they have more empathy for her than you do!?”

“ I think they’re trying to be evil for a peasant class narcissistic reason.” says Lacey.

“ Charles why did you kowtow to these people!?” says the UK.

“ because I did!” says Prince Philip.

“ why did you?” says a reader.

“ because I was scared of them.” says Philip.

“ why were you so scared of them?” says Lacey.

“ because there’s so rich.” says Philip.

“ why don’t you just fucking kill them?” says Lacey.

“ do you know if she actually is right if we were threatening you that much you probably needed to just kill us.” one of them says.

“ and start World War III!?” says Philip.

“ yes, baby cakes and start World War III!” says Lacey mockingly.

Bertie laughs.

“ but that would’ve been World War III!” says one of them.

“ who gives a shit I would never have allowed Great Britain to be in a slave holding position. I would never have allowed it if we were really becoming that week that we had to kiss your ass and let you fuck us. I would’ve probably rather just been dead that’s for preferable than to being your little bitch.” says Lacey.

“ how would you have done it?” someone asks Lacey.

“ with a British sense of humor I would’ve had tea or lunch with one of you, and found out whether or not you actually were really capable of working with me and being my friend, or if you were going to be bullies and weirdos.” says Lacey.

“ and she would’ve found out that you were going to be bullies and weirdos.” says a DuPont.

“ so I would’ve taken our nuclear arsenal. Ha ha ha ha ha oh honey I’m British. Sorry. And I would have said my prayers over my country. I would’ve had them all pray to Christ, and being myself I would’ve known that there was an afterlife, and that there were ghosts and I went to bed. She worried that we’d end up like my demon mother, figure because she fell from heaven and may not have been redeemable. I am a human that’s not Christianity. I am redeemable so I would’ve thought worst case scenario I’m going to Mars or something I don’t know but I’m not too worried , because I have faith in Christ and no I mean hopefully she still can come back if if there’s reincarnation hopefully that mother figure can still come back someday maybe she’ll just give me piggyback rides and heaven, as I don’t know something we’ll see what God suggests should there be reincarnation. Him and I would’ve taken my nuclear missiles and being myself, and having a sense of things I would’ve just blown up my whole country I would’ve dropped the bombs on my own damn country totally obliterating all of us as quickly as possible I would’ve strategically planned it so that there was literally nobody alive in the entirety of Great Britain and then I would’ve just let y’all have whatever the fuck you wanted. So all of Great Britain would be in heaven or purgatory, Lord willing and people who should’ve existed, but couldn’t like William and Harry, which just exist in heaven as themselves because God is God and he’s brilliant and amazing. I know we were just all the debt there would be no more Great Britain because as much as I care about Russia and I care about Germany and I care about China and I care about Brazil and I run my country comes first my priority is with my country and yes, of course I care about Norway and Sweden but my first priority would’ve been with my people Because I would’ve seen the whole thing coming and I would’ve thought no I’m not selling children I’m not destroying the Earth we’re dead.” says Lacey. “ and I would’ve done that probably in the 1950s or 40s so let’s imagine a world where all of Great Britain is totally dead and you’re all dealing with a nuclear fallout of 30 nuclear missiles dropped on on the UK.” says Lacey.

“ she knows I’d have to hold her accountable for what she would’ve chosen to do but I would’ve fully understood why she was doing it.” says God.

“ so this is real. She actually would’ve annihilated the entirety of all Great Britain in one night and gotten away with it?” says the Illuminati on record.

“ yes if she was the queen, if she’d been my mother, if she’s been there yes we’d all be done. There would be no more Great Britain and there would be about 30 bombs. I would’ve got off that night.” says the Queen Mother.

They think.

“ she sometimes does things that are far more logistically brilliant, and she realizes because she is sort of a genius ditz. It’s very unlikely that there would’ve been a cold war or really anyone wanting to use nuclear weapons ever again because you would’ve experienced effects of radiation that would’ve shocked you and scared you into possibly totally disarming and destroying the nuclear missiles were finding someway to lock them away,” says the Queen Mother.

“ And if there’s reincarnation, I wouldn’t be here.” says Dr. Norm Wilson.

Chatter.

“ you know I didn’t even know about Lacey until Diego decided to antagonize the entire illuminati.” says a man running things.

“ let’s analyze a world where we don’t exist.” says Bertie.

“ fine!” he says.

“ I feel like i’m not mature enough as adult to have this conversation. I would never expect you guys to do that something like that because as much as I am bullies, I don’t understand that you’re not my friend because I’m dumb as fuck. I’m an American hick. And trials are just gonna have to be confused because unfortunately, he’s too much of a slow poke from the gutter himself to understand. So all humor this because she’s right by the fuck they just do this people do stuff like this.

Sweetie, this woman would kill her entire family. She could also be a billionaire from bitcoin, and I think more like her than you do. I’m sorry your father was so ratchet.” he says.

Silence.

“ i’m just waiting for you to have a clue that you should take this seriously.” says a demon. 

“ OK so Lacey blows up entire UK. All that’s left is Ireland.” he says.

“ I prayed about annihilating them with us, but I felt like I should not. I left them five nuclear missiles to kill themselves if they were interested.” says Lacey.

“ when do we discover the suicide note from Great Britain with five nuclear missiles?” says Ireland.

“ in the morning.” says Lacey.

“ is northern Ireland gone?” says Ireland.

“ it sure is!” says Lacey.

“ I I think I think that we would’ve been I think that we would have decided to just blow ourselves up as well.” says Ireland.

“ there would’ve been enough to kill all of you. Back then.” says the UK.

“ OK so then all of the British Isles is just dead.” says Ireland laughing. “ And to be honest I’m starting to find this funny, so no, we’re in heaven or purgatory, and I don’t think frankly, that if we could still exist as ourselves that any of us would care, and that could be a problem for God, but maybe not I have a feeling That it would’ve been better than this, so there might’ve been some problems, but I think he would’ve sort of the whole thing out OK so we’re all watching you worried but vastly better off than we are now.” says Ireland.

Later.

Turns out the whole 20th Century was a bust…the way it went down…possibly. And lots of living men prefer to be dead. They start crying like very upset babies. Crying for their mothers to have had them in Heaven.

Really.

All of Norway is dead. Half of Sweden. All of Estonia. Germany is happy. Russia is…amused.

Africa is worried.

Later.

Ruth, Lacey’s stepmother, may be Aimee Semple McPherson. She likes to shop at JC Penny’s. She grew-up lower class to middle class. But…she also is just a very frugal person.

Lacey is talked out of buying a $259 necklace to buy this instead:

The gay community is upset.

“She saved over a $100!” says Ruth, indignantly.

“Why does that make you all SO MAD!?” says Lem.

“Yeah. I don’t get it either. Neither does Lacey.” says Ruth.

“Because it’s JC PENNY’S!” says a gay man.

“Are they Republicans!?” says Ruth.

Lacey’s father gets very angry. He likes Ruth.

The Royal Family of Great Britain cracks-up laughing.

“It’s lab created jewelry, it’s not natural!” says Lacey.

Ruth nods.

“Have you all ever been that rich!!?” says Mark Pryce.

“She’s not Jack Kennedy, nor Lem nor Rose.” says Ruth.

“I’m not paying $100 more for the same thing from Helzberg just because it is from Helzberg. It’s just lab created jewelry.” says Lacey. 

“It’s cheap.” says Ruth, like she’s pitiful.

“RUTH! …I’m not wearing a $30,000 diamond and sapphire pendant to Target. It’s not safe.” says Lacey.

“They don’t know that.” says Ruth.

“HOW CAN THEY BE SO STUPID!??” says Lacey.

“It’s still real! And it’s pretty!” says Ilan Omar.

Lacey breathes a sigh of relief.

“I mean it’s still $100 worth of jewelry and it’s not like it’s that cheap!” says Lacey. 

“Yeah…like $100 it’s like $50 in 1994.” says a gay man.

“Yeah…that’s really not nothing. What fucking world are you fucking idiots living in!?” says Lacey.

“Because it’s just $50 worth of jewelry.” says a woman.

“Is everything you do an insult!? Do you just go around shitting in everyone’s face and never enjoying your own fucking life?” says Lacey.

“RUTH!!!” says a gay man. “YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!!!”

“You wanted to look RICH!!” says Ruth. “But think…about what she’s SAYING.”

“It’s really the same quality?” says Chris Hayes.

“It’s so close that it’s almost a waste of money to get one that’s more expensive and that’s just gross.” says Ruth. “See…if there’s reincarnation she’s trying to explain it to you but you have her as an 1800s lady. She’s Lafy May Roslynn and there’s no way that she can explain it to you in a way that will sound reasonable to you because you can’t respect the way she sounds.”

“You guys she saved over $100 and you’re mad at her.” says Jonah Wiley.

“She’s rich as hell!!!” says a woman at Target.

“Why didn’t she just buy the $700 necklace!?” says a gay man.

“I DON’T KNOW!” she says, annoyed.

“

“What did you feel for Maggie Lake?” says MSNBC forcefully to Lacey.

“I’m a ‘nutcase’.” says Lacey.

“Were you trying to be a lesbian.” says the gay man from last night.

“No. …I was trying…life.” says Lacey.

“That’s lesbianism, Lacey!” says a gay man.

“Yes…indeed.” says Lacey.

“You’re not just an intellectual concept.” says a psychologist to Lacey.

Lacey thinks.

“I didn’t think she’d notice.” says Lacey. “People don’t often really notice me.”

“Let me take over!!!” says Chris Dodds laughing. “So…you thought…she’d be like the men in our generation have been to you?”

“Possibly???” says Lacey. “I think I thought it would blow over.”

“Okay.” says a male reader.

“You thought I’d fall out of love with you?” says Maggie.

“No!” says Lacey. “It’s not like that.”

“You thought it was just…nothing.” says Chris Dodds.

“Yes.

SO often I’ve had very deep conversations with people even…just as friends…and…then it just evaporates. Right into thin air. …Often without me doing anything. I thought it would likely just…pass. She’d…find someone she really liked…and…then who cares.?” says Lacey.

“So you had no feelings for her?” says a professor.

Lacey thinks.

A gay man empathizes with Lacey. He rolls his eyes.

“Yikes.” Lacey says to the gay man.

“Don’t worry. They do it to me too in their heads.” he says to Lacey.

She feels safe. Tries to think.

“We’re just waiting for our husbands to come pick us up.” he says on their behalf as they eat salads quietly away from everyone else.

A moment later.

“I think I’m just weird. …Not weird. Just…embarrassingly…intellectual.” says Lacey

“Go on!” says the completely gay man sipping iced water.

Lacey bites her pinky finger nail, thinking.

“It was…nothing. …I feel so bad saying that. But…it was just…an observation.” says Lacey.

“Did you ever want to kiss her?” he says.

“Not really.” says Lacey.

“Did she ever try to kiss you?” he says.

“Possibly. …I told her to stop.” says Lacey.

“What were you observing?” he says.

“The…persona’s emotions.” says Lacey. “My persona’s emotions.”

Elon Musk laughs.

“What did your persona feel!?” asks the gay man.

“I don’t know. It was too gross.” says Lacey. “I think they were…being…

Actually I don’t know.

You’d have to ask them.

They aren’t me.” says Lacey.

“Who the fuck…is this persona!?” he says.

“I don’t know. …It’s the way I distance myself from people. People are SO overly personal. So informal. …SO pushy. And yet not…loving. So nosy! So…I’ve developed a persona. Just like everyone. …And I think she was engaged in some…romance with my persona. But not really me. And…I registered the emotions. But it’s not…me.” says Lacey.

“But your persona is you!” says a psychologist.

“No! Hardly.” says Lacey. “It’s just a persona.”

“Why are you guys making such a big deal about this woman’s perception of what happened? They never kissed! They never touched! And when she tried to kiss Lacey, Lacey told her to stop.” says the CIA.

“Were you experimenting!?” says Maggie.

“No!” says Lacey. “It was a persona.”

“Who is this persona?” asks a gay man.

“I don’t know. …I wonder if I was trying to figure that out.” says Lacey.

“That wasn’t you!??” says Maggie.

“No, it was me, but it was a persona.” says Lacey.

“That’s not a persona.” says Maggie.

“Why are you all so fucking up in my face all of the time then?!” bites Lacey.

“So you invented a coping strategy for all the Americans in your face in the 20th century of what you thought was a persona!?” asks a Native American woman.

“Yes…because I don’t know how else to relate to you all. It’s just so abrasive. So I invented this sort of hodgepodge sort of free-for-all way of relating that I know isn’t really me it’s just a sort of way of relating to everybody and it’s consistent. It’s a personality, but it’s not like my actual inner emotions or self. It’s a façade. I know for a fact that’s very common that almost everyone has that…so you guys can’t trick me into thinking that that’s not normal. So back the fuck off with your bullshit. That being said, it might not be the way that most people think. I’m smarter than most of you possibly and you’re bothered by that because you’re all bunch of lunatic narcissists? And you would never think to analyze people falling in love with your persona because you’re not that conscientious. Or that lonely or alienated from society, as I am.

And a lot of you were loved by your parents and I wasn’t. So you don’t have the inner thought life that I have, which really makes me a victim and kind of a hero in a way that you’re not. Potentially. The thing is though it might not really be a true persona. It might actually be unfortunately something a little bit worse than that because I just…I’ve never been able to develop a true persona possibly because I’m so different than most people, but I’ve never found a way to sort of express my actual self appropriately and develop a normal persona…if that’s where you’re going with it.” says Lacey.

“I don’t think I was in love!” says Maggie.

“Mmm…no. …I kinda think you were.” says Lacey.

Maggie looks angry.

Lacey waits.

“Okay I was.” admits Maggie.

Lacey thinks. “See I don’t know how to help you because I would love to break the façade and help you see that who you’re in love with doesn’t exist, but do that in a loving way and I’m not sure how to do that. Because I’m not even sure what it is you’re in love with.”

“I think it’s just how you look!” says a man.

“Women are very deep!” says Lacey.

Maggie looks concerned.

“I don’t know!” says Lacey.

“Maggie what was it that you were in love with about my wife?” says Lem.

“Did we die and go to Hell Lem? And you’re just waiting for me to die so I can join you and get out of it cause it was temporary?” Lacey asks Lem. 

“And then you and I are the only real people other than our children in this entire world other than your husband, Mark?” says Lem to Lacey.

“Yeah because I cannot believe these are real humans. They seem like robots.” says Lacey. “Like creepy demonic, robots.” 

“There are kids being molested, who feel the same way, and they’re just as human as us. There are other people who are human. Don’t worry.” says Lem.

“Are they all human?” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“What the fuck is everyone’s problem!? Why are you all demonizing me for being confused for five fucking seconds relatively speaking?” says Lacey.

“Because Bobby wants to believe that Lem was gay that so are you!!!” says the CIA to Lacey.

“I really think you were just in love with her persona Maggie, and you need to lighten the fuck up!” says Matt Nesheim.

“What were you in love with. If this is a real conversation, and you actually felt something for her that wasn’t just deranged and sadistic then what were you in love with Maggie?” says Dr. Lauermann.

And at that a cup falls off of a counter in Lacey’s kitchen on its own.

“Umm…I thought she-I thought she was really hot.” says Maggie.

“Does that include her personality at all or just how she looks?” says Lem.

“I mean she was fun to be around and she was very intelligent and sensitive and loving and funny and caring and deep and she always seemed to be disturbed by something. …To be honest I think I’ve always liked Nicole Kidman and she kind of reminded me of Nicole Kidman, slightly. There was nothing really gay about her, but I just assumed that there was something between us.” says Maggie.

“There really wasn’t anything that I actually felt for you of any sort of sexual or romantic nature at all but I think there was something that happened between you and my persona and I registered it but I knew that it wasn’t really what I felt. It was weird. It was like I was being tricked or or molested and raped psychologically…even if that’s not what you were doing and it was actually really disturbing…but I was smart enough to realize that it wasn’t real in regard to how I actually felt. And I just thought, ‘You know this is interesting!’ It was interesting to observe, and I was open to the reality that it could be me, but it was never me. It was never like my feelings on the issue. I remember sitting in the library thinking to myself, ‘I wonder what’s going on between my persona and Maggie?’ but I never labeled it my persona, but I did wonder consciously in a very quiet part of my brain what was going on between the two of you. But I thought, ‘I have no fucking clue what that is!’ and I just…I mean there’s nothing I could do. I told you that I was straight and I wasn’t interested and I meant it and not respecting that is deranged. There are some people who say no and don’t mean it, but you have to be extremely careful with that, and I was very clearly saying no in a real way.

I think it’s possible that you were interacting with demons or ghosts, who are sadistically harassing me who fooled you into thinking that I was interested when I wasn’t but no…I didn’t feel anything for you personally and I do recall thinking, ‘What am I going to do?’ You know it’s like, ‘How am I going to get rid of her?’ but I think I just assumed that it would just blow over. Because it’s just like, ‘Why wouldn’t it!?’ And you know, to be honest, it did…because you did get involved with a lot of other people. A lot of other men and women. And our friendship died. And I’ve always just assumed that you probably rarely ever thought of me, if at all. But if there’s an Illuminati they’re obsessed with you because they’re trying to prove that Lem was gay and that I am full of it about being better than them.” says Lacey.

“ALL TRUE!!” yells Elliott Roosevelt.

“Lacey I don’t think you felt anything for her!” says a Rockefeller.

“No, I don’t think I did either but thank you for saying that, I think.” says Lacey.

“Where is that line then?” says the gay man from last night.

“Thank you for finally asking a personal question.” says Lacey. She shakes her head. “The thing is: what line are we even talking about!?!”

“So because you’re Lem Billings’s twin flame I think Jack was trying to figure out what happened between him and Lem…by using you because I think he assumed a ton of stupid shit and so it’s the line between a friendship and something more.” he says.

“You know the problem is I’m not sure I felt that sort of friendship with her. I don’t know if anything we had was even that deep.” says Lacey.

He winces. “Do you feel more of an authentic friendship with me?” he says.

“Yes where is the line for us? I don’t know but I don’t think we’ve really crossed it at all. And I know you’re a tiny bit bisexual but I don’t think we’ve really crossed it hopefully at all.” says Lacey.

“I feel like I have a tiny bit but maybe that’s not something that you would register.” he says.

“No I did not register it and that’s too bad but I think we’re OK.” says Lacey.

“We are!!” he says.

“So there’s no line for us!?” says Maggie.

“I don’t even know how to begin to even perceive that.” says Lacey.

“Maggie I think she was trying to be loving to you. I’m not sure that the friendship was ever all that sincere. I’m sorry.” says the gay man from last night.

“Yeah, I might have a tiny bit of a friendship with him. I don’t know, but I am-I’m not really one to easily form friendships with almost anybody. I had a friendship with Queen Elizabeth II. I have a friendship with Mark, my legal husband, and I guess you could say that Lem and I are friends, but even if I have possibly minor friendships with some people in the Illuminati or elsewhere, I don’t really have a lot of actual friends and I think what we had was maybe sort of a friendship but not really???” says Lacey. “It is just that I was very bullied as a little girl and and my parents were atrocious in some ways…and so I developed a habit of just sort of taking care of people…because that’s how people left me alone and didn’t torment me. And so I tended to just take care of people so they wouldn’t try to slit my throat. And it’s very effective because I’m very caring and I’m very smart and you sort of took advantage of that. Most people that I used to be friends with were people who were just using me like a counselor…and I think we might’ve had sort of a friendship, but probably not much. I never really had my needs emotionally met by you at almost at all as a friend and I really just liked being in your company but I wasn’t really close to you the way that I was to Elizabeth or my husband legally.

I think you are stupid as fuck and I have been too but maybe not quite so obstinately in assuming that when I seem indifferent I’m actually very turned on. I’m not like that. That’s somebody else. When I’m indifferent it’s because I’m actually feeling indifferent. There’s nothing more to it. I care and you might sense that but I really just don’t give a shit…even if I actually care as a person in a loving, deep, Christian, highfalutin sort of way.” says Lacey.

“I think it’s just that you talked to me too much.” says Maggie.

“What do you mean?” says Lacey.

“Did you think we were friends?” says Bill Rhea to Lacey.

“Yes, I did but apparently you didn’t.” says Lacey.

“Oh my god that’s not good!!!” says Bill’s wife.

“No it sure as fuck isn’t!!” says Tsar Putin.

“Are we being controlled by the Kennedys?” says an American woman.

“In your brains!?” says God. 

“Yes!” she says.

“In a way you are and in a way it’s actually in your spirit.” says God.

“They have demons who do their bidding who control and manipulate vulnerable people everywhere.” says a demon working for the Illuminati.

“We use a combination of subliminal messages in the media and spiritual effects.” says a dead Rockefeller about the Illuminati.

“Yeah, that makes sense!” says a reader.

“So I don’t understand. I’m free to go!?” says Maggie.

“YES!!!” says Lacey.

“I’m off the hook. Yay!” says Maggie.

“Yup!” says Lacey.

“Maggie she’s serious! Grow-up!!!” says a Messiah College professor.

“Lacey told me that her family didn’t care about her emotions is that true?” says a professor at Messiah College, skeptically. “Because it didn’t fall in line with my perception of the Kennedy administration and Lem Billings’s love affair that I imagined that Larry Lake’s daughter was having with Lacey. It reminded me of Jack and Lem and I was so excited to watch it! Aww!” 

“I killed myself because our family really is that cold.” says Matthew Nesheim.

“There’s no way you’re her cousin!” says the Messiah College professor.

“She was a lot better looking than you and a lot smarter. Are you a narcissistic idiot or are you realizing that I don’t look like her enough?” says Matt.

“I was actually thinking that she looks like Jack but then I stop and think about it and I realize that that’s not at all what she looks like and that that’s kind of creepy. She doesn’t look like him at all. And if anything, Maggie looks like them, not her because Maggie’s Irish and Lacey is not at all. You look incredibly handsome was Lacey really is extraordinarily beautiful as I thought she could be!?!?!” she says freaking out.

“Yes, she looks like Rachel Ward. What’s your problem?” says Matt.

“I don’t think that Lacey was at all attracted to Maggie. I think Maggie was narcissistic and delusional.” says the Messiah College professor.

“You know, what the fuck ever.

I was not attracted to her at all. I’ve been very fucking clear about that with you fucking morons. Maggie you still don’t make sense to me, but sweetie, I think you were just in love with your perception of me and not really me. There could be parts of that that were me but I don’t think it was really me and I know that I wasn’t really feeling anything for you certainly of any sort of significance. I would rather be in Hell than have to touch you in sort any sexual way, aesthetically speaking, and if someone forced me to…I’d slaughter you for eternity. Rip your body apart and smash in your skull. And I swear I mean every fucking word of that. I swear to God. And if that’s not good enough for you then I look forward to crashing in your brain and listening to your anguished wails for eternity.” says Lacey with God behind her, supporting her.

“She does mean every single word of that from the bottom of her absolute soul. I 100% guarantee it. Perhaps of you’re not strong or feminine the way that she is maybe you cognitively can’t understand it but she really does mean it.” says Matthew.

“I actually would love to say that to a few women myself who’ve been obsessed with me over the years. You guys really are like leeches from Hell when you want to be.” says a gay man.

“Why did you assume that she was mistaken about our family?” says Matt.

“Because you come from an old money family, not a Kennedy family.” says the professor.

“Go on!” says Matt.

“Have you guys been controlling immigrant populations using the Kennedys and this family is destroying that?” says a dark skinned reader.

“Whether they meant to or not, I think it ended-up that way.” says Lacey.

“So…she’s possibly telling you the truth.” says a Black reader.

“Not intentionally.” says a Rockefeller.

“Yeah, I don’t think it was that intelligent to be blunt.” says Lacey.

“ I think Maggie was delusional.” says the Messiah College professor. “ I didn’t want to think that Lacey came from a family that didn’t care, because if that was true than Maggie’s perception of her was totally off, and she shared nothing in common with lemon Billings, or Jack Kennedy. And neither of them were in that book at all. But I am very intuitive and I sensed something and it’s probably just that she’s Lem’s twin flame. Because I was reading that book at the time that this happened and Lem’s picture jumped out at me and it was creepy. And I’m realizing that it’s just that his ghost is haunting her because they’re just together. I wouldn’t take anyone seriously about him other than her. This is so spiritual and bizarrely metaphysical that the best psychic in the world could confirm that he was gay and I wouldn’t take it seriously at all I’d I really wouldn’t. I think he was definitely straight and so is she and I find it creepy that Maggie is Irish and so are they and neither Lacey nor Lem are at all.

I wish I could go back in time and have a conversation with her because she was crying out for help and I just pushed her off a cliff because I thought she was like Jack Kennedy. I Wanted to think that because I am a diehard liberal, and I imagined a love story that was ludicrous between them. The problem is the way she said it to me was so desperate. I wanted to laugh at her because she seemed like a Victorian damsel in distress and I’m kind of a feminist bitch. And I wanted to just laugh at her for being so feminine. because I thought shit what a fucking bitch. What do you cry every time you have a period!? Eww! I mean I just hate women like that they’re so fucking weak!

I would just say to her, ‘I don’t what the fuck you’re gonna do!?’” she says.

“ because you have just stared at me and said that?” says Lacey.

“Yes.” she says.

“ are you imagining that she’s gonna come on to you and you’re gonna fulfill all of your school girl dreams!?” says Lem.

“ yes!” she says.

“And if she doesn’t will you imagine that she was too sexually overwhelmed by you to do that or that she’s a liar or something?” says Lem.

“I don’t know.” she says.

“Alright if you done that I probably would’ve responded and said, ‘Alright, thank you so much for your thoughts! I think I need to go.’” says Lacey.

“Would you have come to class after that?” she says.

“Yup, and acted like nothing ever happened.” says Lacey.

“Were you treating Maggie like she was insane?” she indignantly asks.

“Yes, I was because I thought she was insane and she actually was clinically quite mentally-ill, far more severely than I’ve ever been.” says Lacey.

“That’s true.” she says.

“So what would you have done if I just acted like nothing happened?” says Lacey.

“I probably would’ve realized that I’d just kind of bitch slapped you psychologically, and then just sort of forgotten about it.” she says.

“Yes and I would’ve been tempted to kill Maggie just almost out of almost a hatred for her and almost everyone like her.” says Lacey.

“I felt the same way!” says both Hitler and Great Britain.

“What would you have actually done?” asks the Messiah College professor.

“To be honest killing her just seems like the rational thing to do but I know it’s not. Because I knew you were friends with her father and I knew in my gut that you were talking about me and her when you were talking about the Kennedy White House. And I knew that you guys didn’t really understand what was going on, but I just was sort of humoring your stupidity and silliness.

 So what would I have actually done? I also would’ve been tempted to start the library on fire. 

Oh, I probably would’ve finished that semester, and then written a letter to Kim Phipps, explaining that you were a school of repressed homosexuals from Hell essentially, and that I washed my hands and feet of all of you.” says Lacey. “And if you wanted to harass me that I would take it to the grave and make you all wish you’d never been born but I would’ve said it very nicely.” 

“Where would you have gone to school?” asks a man.

“Probably the University of North Dakota. And I probably would’ve just gotten an art history degree.” says Lacey.

“Would anyone have told anyone what she said to Kim Phipps, or would Kim Phipps have just taken that with her?” says Dr. Lauermann.

“I would have told everybody.” says Kim Phipps.

“I’m not sure that I would still care.” says Dr. Lauermann.

“That’s a really stupid response. I would have been baffled.” says Dr. Wilson. “And I would’ve wondered if there was money in her family and we were all delusional narcissists essentially.”

“Which would be completely true!” says Stephen Seay, Lacey’s legal uncle and also a retired, esteemed professional counselor.

“Yep, that’s what I thought.” says Dr. Wilson.

“So you would’ve been baffled and you guys would’ve just stopped talking about it or you would’ve wondered what was going on?” says God.

“ I am the only one being honest, we gossip about a lot of our students in ways that are inappropriate. And to be honest with you, we would have probably been stumped because we made assumptions about things that were really weird to make assumptions about. And I personally would’ve been scared. She’s scared me. I have never had anyone tell me that they wanted to study Poland the way that she did. And it would’ve floored me that she left, because I am a real historian not just an armchair historian, like David Pitts. And I would’ve found it personally offensive what she said about our school. But then I would’ve realize that she was absolutely right and that our school really was full of backward pseudo-Christian bullshit artists. And I would’ve thought I have no idea where she’s taking that in life but it scares me because I’ve never seen somebody be so angry so passionately about something that genuinely relevant. And I would’ve realized that something really horrific was happening. And I wouldn’t of been able to figure out what it was. And I would’ve thought that professor who chewed her out had just read a book about Lem’s Billings and Jack Kennedy. And I would’ve thought am I insane to think that this young woman was psychic? And I would’ve thought you know who the hell was she sleeping with? Who the fuck would she be sleeping with at such a homosexual school? Because frankly, most of the young men at our school were bisexual or gay, there were very few straight young men. And a lot of the women were bisexual or gay as well or straight, and possibly very sexually depressed. And yet we weren’t allowing anyone to do anything normal, and they couldn’t drink either. And I would’ve thought this is really earth shattering because there’s something to this.” says Dr. Wilson.

“ she would’ve ended up just getting her doctorate in art history and being a lonely, old maid who worked at the art museum in Minneapolis. What is it that you’re thinking of going to happen?” says Jennifer Aniston, laughing.

“ Lacey!” says Kim Phipps.

“Mmhmm!” says a Rockefeller.

“ what did you think when I called you out for breaking the rules by going to that party and drinking?” says Kim Phipps.

“ was that really about me?!” says Lacey.

“ yes!” she says.

“ why the fuck were you so obsessed with me?!” says Lacey.

“ she’s right, that is kind of weird potentially.” says Dr. Wilson.

“ because I thought you had potential.” says Kim Phipps.

“To do what!?” says Lacey.

“To go into politics.” says Kim Phipps.

“How THE HELL was I ever going to go into politics without graduating from college!? No, that’s not true I could’ve done it, but it would have been really hard to do.” says Lacey.

“But you weren’t failing out at that point.” she says.

“Are you a moron? I was supposed to have graduated two years before that and I’m not a fucking idiot!” says Lacey.

“Do you think that was a bit bizarre?” she says.

“Yes, I thought you might be an idiot no offense. Or I thought that if you weren’t that it was just sort of confusing because I was doing so badly and I did have hopes of getting into politics, but it wasn’t really working out very well and you were so certain that I was going to be in politics and be evil, and I wanted to just laugh at you for being so stupid.” says Lacey.

“I really thought that you would.” she says.

“No, no because it was impossible!!” says Lacey. “I mean there was a slight possibility, but it was very dim.”

“What were you actually thinking?” she says.

“I was worried my life was over. I was suspicious that I might end-up dead somewhere in a gutter. I was worried that I was turning into a blob of nothing and I was desperately hoping that Chris Dodds was in love with me…and I was just trusting Christ.” says Lacey.

“What did you actually learn from our school?” she says.

“African politics. Political research methods. I gathered a lot of information about the way things really work. I learned a few words in German. I learned a little philosophy. I learned a few tidbits about history. I learned a few tidbits about the history of the Bible. And I enjoyed Pennsylvania.” says Lacey.

“ there’s really nothing else that you didn’t already know?” says a professor.

“Nope not much! Everything actually ended up being stuff that I already knew once I worked it through in my head and there were a few things here and there that were interesting and that I just didn’t really give a shit about. Umm. Sorry for swearing. Because they were so esoteric to me, but that’s just what happened.” says Lacey.

“What the hell did you learn from political research methods?” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ the way that political researchers think. The way that they conceptualize reality, I learn some thing about their weaknesses is people to be blunt the way that they analyze things, their daily framework their weaknesses.” says Lacey.

“ what are their weaknesses?” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ a lot of people get stuck in a, methodology mindset. It’s very bourgeois. And it frames, her entire perspective on all problems of the world. The scope of what they can study the scope of what they can fix. The problems themselves. And it becomes limiting to them because they can’t really think outside of such a buzzword bourgeois, scholastic, mind trap.” says Lacey

“ Are you dismantled the entire democratic party for the for seeable future based on my class that you could never pass.” says Dr. Lauermann.

“ you got it because I was just overwhelmed by the entire thing, but I did learn something.” says Lacey.

“ no you learned something in my Russian history or my Russian politics class too!” says a professor.

“ yeah sort of not as much as you might think but not nothing. I also learned something about India vaguely.” says Lacey.

“ why why did you think it made sense to break the rules?” says Kim Phipps.

“ because I’m a badass Kennedy, bitch!” says Lacey sarcastically.

“ OK so why was it really?” she says.

“Because I wanted a husband.” says Lacey.

“ did you sleep with Chris Dodds?” she says.

“Are you braindead!? NO!” says Lacey. “ I was not chaste, but we didn’t have actual intercourse.” 

“ so you just sucked his cock?” she says.

“ yes and he got off quite a few times. He told me that I had amazing tits and I gave him quite a few good orgasms.” says Lacey.

“ and yet he dumped you!” says Kim Phipps.

“ yes he did for a little twat. With the body of a 12 year old boy because he’s bisexual possibly and he just loves her.” says Lacey. “ but I’m relieved that I didn’t have to marry him because he was kind of a moron, and he was short and ugly as fuck.”

“i’ve had sex with her!” says Tucker Carlson.

“ he’s really good in bed. I was very in love with him but he doesn’t want to leave his wife and that’s understandable.” says Lacey.

“ no, I do not.” says Tucker Carlson.

“ Kim this is who she actually is you need to interact with that person for national security.” says the Illuminati.

“ why did you sleep with Tucker Carlson?”’she says.

“ because he’s incredibly good-looking and he’s exactly the sort of person that I would’ve wanted to marry but he’s already taken and I didn’t realize that he was never interested in leaving his wife but that’s OK because it didn’t work out and I am with Lem and that’s depressing because he’s dead, but I would rather be with him than anyone else but but Tucker Carlson is incredibly attractive and has an enormous amount of sexual energy, more than most men.” says Lacey.

“ would you have slept with me?” says a politics professor.

“ I actually did find you somewhat attractive but no. NO!” says Lacey.

“ i’m bored!” says Kim Phipps, disdainfully.

Tucker Carlson laughs.

“ why is that, Ms. Phipps?“ says Lacey.

“ you’re a bitch!” she says.

“ what does that have to do with you being bored? And actually I’m not one, you’re mistaken, sorry.” says Lacey.

“ because you’re supposed to be nice!” she says.

“ is that why you’re bored?” says Lacey.

“ i’m making a point!” she says.

“ well I don’t see it sweetheart. Why are you bored?” says Lacey.

“ my my point is that you’re not supposed to be loose!” she says.

“ are you fucking kidding me!??” says Dr. Wilson.

“ why can’t I say that?!?” says Kim Phipps.

“ because she’s an adult and you seem like a nitwit lesbian from Hell!!!” yells Dr. Wilson. “ are you trying to suck her hole her soul like a leech with your ugly fucking face how are you selling children in back of your shit house!?”

“ that’s exactly what I’m thinking Dr. Wilson. You’re on your way to a sort of Hell potentially in some way when you die and I’m actually trying to help you but you’re too much of a fucking dip shit from some hell hole in German to understand that, Herr Phipps!” says Lacey. 

“ I do I seem like a weird lesbian to you?” says Kim Phipps to Lacey.

“ you are most likely a closeted bisexual. I can tell!” says Lacey. “ I feel raped by you and conversation to be honest. you seem sick! Why are you so obsessed with my vagina and my sex like I’m some sort of dog in relation to you and your fat fucking ugly ass!?” says Lacey.

“ I actually agree!” says the Pope.

“ Kim is there something sexually perverse about you?” asks the CIA.

“ I am a closeted bisexual.” she admits.

“ and you had a crush on me and you made some psychotic, childish, perverse assumption that I was interested in you as well like an absolute fucking freak!

And now that you’re having a narcissistic burst, and realizing that I’m vastly superior to you, you’re making me ugly and mannish in your head. Where is your conscience?!?” says Lacey.

“Why did you break the rule!?” she says.

“ because life isn’t just about rules in and of themselves, and strategically speaking for my own personal interests as a human that rule became meaningless.” says Lacey.

“Explain!” she says.

“ who the fuck made you bitches, so damn self-righteous!?” says St. Paul.

“ I would like to explain, but you are being a bit self-righteous!” says Lacey.

“ i’m sorry.” says Kim Phipps.

“ Alright, so I was trying to get married. And I needed a decent, loving good husband who is a Christian ideally. And Chris Dodds seemed like a good candidate. but there was a young woman at a party at the name of Laura Steward… who he had been sleeping with, essentially. It wasn’t intercourse, but they were involved. And she was going to be at that party. And so I thought to myself, I can let him go, and he’ll end up cheating on me and I’ll lose him… or I can go and keep an eye on him. and maybe he’ll think twice. And they’ll be a chance of us being together. And he didn’t cheat on me. I mean I did prevent him from doing that. And so it worked. But it was a worthless relationship anyway. But I tried. And it ended up just being an absolute waste of time. But it happened.” says Lacey.

“ you used to make eyes at several different men on campus, who were older.” she says.

“ I did very intentionally.” says Lacey.

Kim Phipps looks disgusted.

“ why?” says Ruth Beaver, laughing.

“because I was trying to figure out what the fuck made men tick!” says Lacey.

“ that matches with everything she said, in counseling.” says the Messiah College Counseling Department.

“ what do you mean?” says Mr. Frey.

“ I was a virgin by choice because of Christ and I had no idea what went through men’s heads. I had some sense that when you made iContact with them that it was sexual, but I wasn’t sure what it meant to them. And so I was trying to aggravate you as much as I could to see if you do anything because it just pissed me off the way that men just sort of stood around with her mouth open drooling acting like a bunch of dumb worthless nothings.” says Lacey. “ it’s like, ‘Oh! I like to walk! I breathe air and stand on two feet…and stare…at stuff.’” She laughs.

“ what did you figure out from me?” asks Mr. Frey.

“ not much!” says Lacey.

“ was there ever a nice guy whoever asked you wanna date who you found remotely attractive!??” says Kim Phipps to Lacey.

“Nope, never!

There was one young man at UND, who I would have found attractive if he had just pursued me a bit more but that’s it! Actually, that’s not true. There was a German exchange student in high school, but no, other than that nobody.” says Lacey.

“Is she one of the most attractive woman to ever live?” says Kim Phipps.

“Yes, are you blind!??” yells God, enraged.

“ oh, I don’t get it!” says Kim Phipps.

“ no, you do. Why are you resisting truth so much?” says God.

“ how much did we screw her over?” she asks God.

“ how much did you screw over the entire world?” says God. “ a lot!!!”

“ on the balance between everything we’ve done right and this where does that leave the history of the entire college?” she says.

“ you’re fucked to put it colloquially you’re totally fucked.” says Al Capone.

“ that would be accurate.” says God.

“ that’s what I thought!! if she’s actually channeling us and this is accurate and it might be that’s exactly what I thought.” says Dr. Harles.

“ who did you find attractive who was a student?” asks Kim Phipps.

“ why can’t you be accountable?!” yells God.

“ she’s ruined the school.” says Ernest Boyer.

“ I found quite a few young men attractive. I’m not a lesbian. And I asked out at least one or two and they were never interested. Actually, it was more than that I asked at four or so and they were never interested and then I dated two of them and they both were very vile to date and that’s about it.” says Lacey.

“ would you have dated her?” Kim Phipps asks Tucker Carlson.

“ yes!” he says.

“ I would’ve married her.” says Tsar Putin.

“ I would’ve married her as well. Actually, this isn’t a joke.” says Michael Rockefeller.

“ I am extraordinarily disturbed by your response right now of silence. I am a Cambridge educated professor easily could’ve married her. I’m in my 60s and we were a bad match. This isn’t a joke!” says Dr. Moritz. “How many of the professors in your school wanted to fuck her give me an honest answer.”

“ probably most of us to be honest!” says a history professor.

“ did you know that are you too much of a closeted lesbian idiot?” says Dr. Moritz.

“ I just thought well they need time. It takes time for women to figure out that they’re lesbians. I just assumed that she was in love with Maggie Lake and didn’t know it.” says Kim Phipps.

Dr. Moritz nods. “ that was based on Maggie lakes perception, and she was a lesbian closeted drug addict with a father who worked at your school! You obviously have no sense of what’s appropriate! You’re allowed to have assumptions, but you’re not supposed to be so backward as to think that you actually know what’s going on. People like you and David Pitts are the reason why I hate my profession right now. Self-important, pseudo, intellectual minor intellectuals. People with low IQ, who believe for some sad reason that there brilliant the way that I am. I am actually a genius very few people are. Her husband is one of them. She’s one of them and Bill Ray is likely one of them. You’re not! And neither is David Pitts.

Why are you the people deciding things for us in this damn country you have no idea what you’re doing to put a colloquially.” says Dr. Moritz.

“ it’s because they’re conservative. And people like you are too liberal for your own intellectual good.” says C. S. Lewis.

“ do you mean liberal or liberal?” says Dr. Moritz.

“ liberal with a capital L.” says C. S. Lewis.

“ so Kim any final thoughts?” says Lem.

“ no, I mean I understand why she went to that party. It makes sense. But I am I’m not like that. I don’t think that way as a bisexual. I can’t imagine being that desperate to have a husband. If I was the one that seem mysterious, because I was bisexual and been read that as mysterious and so they found me fascinating and interesting to chase, because I seemed hard to catch but approachable and interesting and down to earth and so they just fell for me because I was so Easy going and and easy somewhat and just really mysterious. And so I never really realized that women who are straight even if they’re extremely attractive and possibly more so if they’re extremely attractive, cricket really hurt my bed in a way that I don’t know I I don’t know if I can be that hurt. Because I always can just be with a woman and to me it doesn’t make any difference. The only reason why I don’t is because of what I believe is in the word of God otherwise I would just be with a woman because it’s I think it’s a lot easier than being with a man But I I’m trying to be honorable, and I actually really do love my husband., but I just I don’t understand what it’s like to be so beautiful and so lusted after I am nowhere near as beautiful as her I am complete trash compared to her, and I always have been but men really respected me and pursued me, because they just didn’t care that I wasn’t as attractive for someone like her because I think they thought it was a more wholesome exciting choice not exciting sexually more excited and not that I wasn’t exciting at all but just not exciting. Not exciting but just a better choice because I am was a mom more approachable and cool because you don’t want to be with a supermodel you wanna be with a girl who all the other girls like because she’s not threatening and I also was hard to get cause I thought really really really highly of myself and I’m kind of a bitch to be blunt. So men just threw themselves at me like fucking idiots, because even though they couldn’t get sexually satisfied by me and idea, shit mother compared to women like Lacey, we’re both paternal and attractive in a way that I am not. They assumed that I was superior.

Why do they assume that I was superior because I don’t give a fuck about their week fucking nothing else and men like to be fucking humiliated by women like dogs. At least in America demeanor you are the most snotty and full of yourself and shitty. You are as a woman if you’re wholesome and she put out just a little bit more than men will come flocking to you.

And then they’ll stay married to you and destroy their lives, and fuck over their children just to keep being with you because if you’re withholding self important bitch, they’ll keep deleting them selves into thinking that you’re really mysterious and some thing.” says Kim Phipps.

“ do you hate that about yourself?” says God.

“ oh, no because I’m a narcissist in that way, and I’m in love with myself and I think it’s the best thing to be.” she says.

“ I used you to torture her!!” says JFK to Kim Phipps.

“ so she’s not you!??” says an English professor to JFK.

“ if you are hearing this message, I was destroyed by God. I cannot talk to you right now. Turns out having sex with Satan does not work as protection from Christ. purgatory is a very complicated place. Do not come here. If you are hearing this message, go straight to heaven. Being evil does not work!” says JFK from 1970.

“So then Laceyz is JFK!?!” says Kim Phipps.

“ no no she’s not. No she’s not at all thank God.” says Lem.

“ do you care about her at all as who she actually is or do you just hate her?” asks Mary Tyler Moore.

“ I hate her I hate all women like her. I know they’re straight and I wish they’d just all die!” says Kim Phipps. “ I kill her daughter and drink her blood!!” she says manifesting a demon who works with her.

“ my daughter is safe but people like you are the reason why her whole family could end up dead within a year. This is not a joke.” says God.

“ Kim that’s actually some thing your spirit is saying right now possibly for real through the Holy Spirit and it’s public information that you’re like a monster in your soul we’re talking to you you’re asleep there is no illuminati and I’m in shock that you’re actually that profoundly evil the person that you really want to destroy her daughter just because her daughter is probably heterosexual like her what makes you so profoundly evil and hateful?” says a gay man.

“ I am not evil!” she says.

“ are there gay little boys to you’d like to kill too?” he says.

“ no I’d like to sit on them and fart in their face.” she says.

“ do you care about rules or are you just a psychopath?” he says.

“ i’m a bit of a psychopath. I’ll never harm her or her kids but I have a lot of hatred for people like that I hate gay men to. I hate anyone who would ever suck a man’s cock and make him come and have an orgasm in a way that I can’t. I have been trying to get my husband off For years and it never works because I can never get him aroused enough.” she says.

“ why did he marry you?” says the CIA

“ because I’m a nice nice lady!” she says.

“ no that’s not why.” says God.

“ is it because he’s weak and you bullied him in some complex psychological way?” says her neighbor.

“ she even know anything about my life at all?” says Kim Phipps.

“ she doesn’t give a shit about you other than in Christ, sweetheart you’re obsessed with her.” says Lem.

“ it’s what I said isn’t it?” says her neighbor.

“ yea.” says a Munger.

“ do you only like lesbians and straight men?” asks a reader.

“ what is a lesbian was caught, having sex with another lesbian would you look at the other way or not?” says an actress.

“ I would always look the other way for two lesbians I would never look the other way for two gay men heterosexuals I would try to be understanding out but it would disturb me and everything else is is confusing.” she says.

“ so you would literally allow two lesbians to sleep together but you were mad that Lacey went to a party and drank alcohol over the age of 21 to the point where you were ready to obliterate her practically?” says a reader.

“ yes,” She says.

“ then your school is kind of a joke.” says the CIA.

“ I have always known that!” says Jon Stewart.

“ when you tore down our farm, you tore down a part of the Underground Railroad.” says a Musser.

“ my family worked with that farm that was a very historical farm.” says Lem Billings. “ i’m glad Lacey was able to see it before you tore it down to build your shit McMansion.”

“ how? How is it like? Where was it in the farm?” says a former student.

“ they would run through the forest and hide in the attic and nobody knew they were there sometimes they sleep in their barn to four months. It’s very close to the mason Dixon line and so it was perfect and it was very rural and it was mostly just Amish people and Mennonites and so it was a great place to hide for a very long time if you were waiting to go further up north. Or if you were waiting for family. Like children, there were quite a few families that celebrated Christmas together as free people for the first time in that house. You did nothing. You did nothing to preserve that you did nothing to research that. And Lacey was very upset by it. Did you know that?” says Lem Billings.

“ no.” says Kim Phipps.

“ do you care?” says Dr. Billings.

“ no!” she says.

“ how do you? What do you care other about? What do you care about other than boobs and trying to catch men?” says God. “ making money and your favorite beverages?”

“ nothing.” she says.

“ then why were you preaching at Lacey?” says Lem

“ because I saw it in the movie. I saw stuff like that in a movie once and I thought how do you know I am in a position of power I should try to make a difference and say something but it’s really just something I saw in the movie.” she admits.

“ that’s pathetic!” says Lem.

“ you have no idea how to relate to her at all you should not be trying to analyze her.” says Dr. Billings.