Keen to Cross the Pond

Lem: I’m real.

Are you sure “Bobby” isn’t some demonic entity impersonating Bobby Kennedy Junior.

I never had sex with that man. And I didn’t molest him. How dumb can he be?

I was straight. Is he really dumb enough to think that harassing me will ultimately do anything? I hope the real man isn’t that stupid.

Bobby, did I ever molest you? Be honest!

Bobby Kennedy Junior (?): *He panics and freezes.*

*Gets nervous.*

I mean no.

Lem: Yup.

Then why do you keep insisting otherwise, the minute I stop talking about it?

The minute Lacey or I stop forcing you to give I’ve a real cogent response…you start making comments to people about “what I did”. … Are you really Bobby…or is she being sadistically harassed by Hell?

Bobby (?): I mean…I think you did something sexy. Okay dude?

Lem: So you want me to have done something?

Bobby (?): No!

Of course not.

You did something.

I just can’t remember what.

Lem: YEAH RIGHT.

What did I do?

Bobby (?): My mom thought you did.

Lem: What do you think?

Bobby (?): I’m not GAY!

Lem: That’s the alternative? To me having never done anything?

Bobby (?): Yes.

Look…you let me think you had feelings for me.

Lem: To control you.

You were a very difficult kid.

And I knew letting you think that would keep you in line.

But I never intended nor wanted to do anything to you or with you.

Bobby (?): Abusers always say that.

Gay men always say that.

Lem: Yes. But innocent people also would. In this situation.

Bobby (?): I can’t let people know the truth.

If they figure out that you’re straight…I’m toast.

Lacey: Why?

Bobby (?): Because!

Lacey! So much has been written about how obsessed he was with me. If he ever was outed as heterosexual…a whole landslide of…doubts would overtake the entire thing.

Lacey: Explain.

Bobby (?): *He thinks?*

Lacey! What else are we lying about!?

Lacey: Okay!!

So.

1. You were bootleggers.

2. Most of you were bisexual.

3. JFK was a loser. In a way. And your father and Ted would have been MUCH better US Presidents. Obviously Joe would have been.

4. You know Ted was responsible for those deaths. He was a slob. At times. An absolutely idiotic slob.

5. Your family had something to do with Marilyn’s death.

6. Your grandfather kicked off World War II.

What else?

Bobby (?): Rose Marie.

Lacey: People already know that.

Bobby (?): We were jealous of Carolyn.

Lacey: DUH.

Bobby (?): *He thinks.*

Am I ever going to be elected?

Lacey: No.

Most of you are never going to be anything big. I’m sorry. Actually, possibly, all of you.

Bobby (?): Why?

Lacey: Because Joe Junior’s death…ruined the whole thing.

Jack was a horrible replacement.

Your father could have done well. But…your grandfather was too stupid to realize that.

Bobby (?): Did Lem realize that?

Lem: Yes.

But I wasn’t able to say much.

Bobby (?): My father could not-

My father-

No!

Dammit!

*He struggles.*

You’re MEAN! *He yells at Lacey.*

Lacey: Your father would have been a better President.

Bobby (?): Trump agrees.

Lacey: Well…that’s not what happened.

*She looks sad.*

Bobby (?): You make me mad.

You’re a disciplinarian.

You have my number.

And I am a problem.

Lacey: I know.

Your family drilled holes in people’s brains.

Bobby (?): Why did we do that?

Lacey: Bobby…how easy is it to control you?

Either Rosemary or your grandfather couldn’t be controlled. Maybe both.

Bobby (?): Okay. But why bother!?

Lacey: Because…for whatever reason…Joe, your grandfather, was OBSESSED with being US President. Or having some…aristocratic, dynastic power.

Bobby (?): No.

He wasn’t-

That’s too silly.

Lacey: Is it?

How eccentric was Joe?

Joe Senior.

Bobby (?): You’re scaring me.

Lacey: How eccentric was he!?

Bobby (?): I don’t want to think about it.

Lacey (?): Then someone else should answer!

Bobby (?): Who trained you…to sound like us?

Pat: Joe.

He thought it was cute.

She was and is his type.

Bobby (?): *Rolls his eyes and smiles.*

*Rubs his eyes.*

Lacey: How eccentric was Joe Senior?

Ghislaine Maxwell (?): He was. He was actually…-

I’m thinking. No…he was?

Lacey: Yeah.

Bobby! Was he?

Bobby (?): He was.

Ghislaine: *Nods in frustration.*

Lacey: Then there you go.

He was…well…a bit insane.

Or maybe not. But…-

He had…ideas.

Caroline: Do you understand that part of him?

Lacey: Yes. Very much so.

God: Joe chooses evil. But he regrets it.

I created him for LACEY.

I really did.

And he messed that up.

Well, not quite like you think. See…I created free will. So…there are many options. And over time you…find your way.

Lem was…in mind…as perfection. But Joe…was…possible. Originally. He was a real possibility as her ultimate twin flame.

He was…evil. But his genius isn’t evil. And she has…a complementary mind.

Lem is her twin flame as it’s called. I’ve decided that. Or, should that be too hard to understand or accept you can think of Elliott Roosevelt as her twin flame.

He could have been US President too. It’s very difficult being the son of FDR.

Bobby (?): But it’s actually just Lem Billings?

God: Yes.

A reader: Why do you all keep hanging on to Lem?

God: Scott still thinks it’s just him. By the way. At times. For Lacey.

Anyway.

Good question.

Bobby (?): I worry it has something to do with “Dad”.

Lacey…why do we?

Lacey: Because he’s me.

And…I don’t think “Dad” was ever willing to admit how he felt about me.

Joe Senior: That’s true.

I can’t control her.

And I’m worried she’s going to control ME.

If there’s reincarnation Honey Fitz brought her back…because he was totally freaking out.

A Celtic Witch: Why can’t you handle that?

Joe: *Smirks*

She threatens my masculinity.

There! I said it.

I feel like I gave NO DICK when I talk to her.

Honey Fitz felt the same way.

Jack thought he was special.

She belongs to Lem. But actually…it makes me weep.

Lacey: No it doesn’t!

Joe Senior: YES IT DOES!

You don’t know!!!

Lacey: I’m trying to grasp it. And what’s more, I’m trying to care.

Joe Senior: What if I wasn’t scum?

God: Joe…why can’t you be the man?

Lem can.

Bobby (?): I CAN.

It’s true.

I don’t feel that threatened by her.

She’s honorable.

China: Yes. True.

Bobby (?): Why did I do this to myself!?

God: Good question.

Joe Senior: Carolyn…thinks we’re a joke. After meeting Lacey, as an adult.

Lem: She knew I was straight. She could tell too.

Modeling.

And then she met Lacey.

JFK Jr.: I’m not straight. Or, I wasn’t.

An Ancient Irish King: Look…if there’s reincarnation it’s quite simple.

I married her.

God: But you never consummated your vows.

An Ancient Irish King: She’s still mine.

Scott: But…that’s not fair.

An Ancient Irish King: But she’s mine.

For real!

A Muslim: Do you let her be with Lem?

An Ancient Irish King: Yes.

He can destroy me.

In armed combat.

Head to head.

The rest of you…cannot.

Well, Elliott thinks he could.

And no, Tutankhamen cannot help you.

Harold: I’d punch you in the face.

An Ancient Irish King: *Smiles and laughs.*

You’re a good man, Harold.

I love you, in Christ.

Ghislaine: *Cries.*

I’m complicated. I’m capable of great evil and yet I do love. At times.

Great evil.

Don’t trust me.

God: You’re not a lizard. You’re a very troubled woman.

Ghislaine: *Nods.*

An Ancient Irish King: Lem…you’re partially responsible. For that woman!

Lem: Yes. Entirely by accident.

An Ancient Irish King: I have to hold you accountable!

You will pay.

You were weakened.

You let yourself be weak.

Lem: America brainwashed me. I was fully capable of being a man.

An Ancient Irish King: Ha! Being a man.

Isn’t that a strange thing to say?

Why…are we even questioning that!?

Lem: Are you suggesting that the Holy Roman Empire was a mistake?

An Ancient Irish King: Not quite.

I’m asking you…why you think…the feminization of men…happened. What happened?

I love Harold Loeb. Why can’t men today say that? About each other. …It’s not gay. At all.

Lacey: She’s actually dead.

Eric: Lacey!

It’s real.

Lacey: I find this offensive.

An Ancient Irish King: I do too.

God: Why?

Lacey: If I’m going to talk to the dead…it should be…in a cave. Or some setting like that.

An ancient Irish King: I agree.

Why?

Lacey: It’s safer.

More quiet.

Fern: It’s easier to talk to you as one passes.

Now, that I’m in with God…it’s harder.

What did you say to Becca?

Lacey:

Fern: I am in Israel.

I told you that!

But it’s so happy…it makes you think it’s a lie.

An Ancient Irish King: Would it be easier to talk to her, in a cave?

God: Yes.

It actually is easier.

Your people didn’t just do that for no reason.

Lou: It’s easier in basements too. For similar reasons.

Lacey: Why?

God: Because it’s about actual physical pressure. Yes. Pressure.

Why? Because…that’s physically hard…on the demonic.

Satan isn’t that powerful.

Zelensky (?): WHAT!?

God: Well, this is what she’s hearing.

Okay?

…The deeper down you go…there’s more chaos. But…Satan actually needs some order to exist.

So…he was sent to Hell, which some people think is at the center of the Earth. Whether it is or not…if it is…I actually control him in the sense that he’s only able to harm people who are in Hell. …And it’s real punishment.

He can’t…harm them…in an evil way. It’s evil. It’s Hell. But…he can’t destroy Hell.

A reader: Actually, that makes sense.

So…he does the whole Hell thing that he wants to do. But…it’s like…real Hell. Not a party.

God: Yes.

It may or may not be at the center of the Earth…but if it is…it actually is a good place for it. Because…he’s only able to damn them there.

A theologian: That’s funny.

So he does run Hell. But…you’re still God. So…it’s just Hell.

God: Yes.

A theologian: So…there’s no fun in Hell.

God: Yes, it’s Hell.

An Ancient Irish King: So my people went into caves…to…quiet the demons.

A female reader named Liz: Then why are basements so creepy?

An ancient Irish King: Because they’re not deep enough.

Yes!

I know that sounds stupid.

But that is why.

A female reader named Liz: What about haunted caves?

An Ancient Irish King: How evil are they?

Yes. They’re haunted.

But…are you sure Lacey or myself…would find them scary?

She may just start talking to the ghosts.

Let’s go in one.

Lem: There’s a dead man. He was a miner.

He’s being aggravated by a demon. He was a drunkard and…a louse.

If Lacey went in there…she’d be safe enough…but they’d start pinching her butt. …So I’d have to fight them…and angels from Heaven would as well.

An Ancient Irish King: Lem has reasons. He was sadistically attacked.

I have to let her be with him.

But I’m still angry.

Yes…

And…if there’s reincarnation…he meant well enough.

But he has an issue with lust. It’s nothing serious. But…he lusts after her. Even though he has her. It’s nothing that can’t be fixed.

The miner: Yeah!

I’m not so bad.

The mine flooded!

Lacey, we drowned in here!

*He cries*

*Another miner shakes his head in disgust.*

It was scary.

And we’re here because we’re still processing our trauma.

I mean, we’re not here all of the time. But…we are on occasion.

A female reader: So…why…am I amused right now?

Umm-

…Why are you trying to scare us?

The dead miner in Horton Cave: I’m mean.

Sometimes.

And a demon tempted me.

A female reader: So that’s funny to you?

A dead miner in Horton Cave: *He nods and laughs.*

Gosh, she’s in love with Lem! I just tried coming on to Lacey and she saw him…as a miner…and now she’s gone crazy for him.

*He laughs.*

Yeah. I’m sorry.

It’s funny to make you scared.

A female reader: You were a player!

The dead miner in Horton Cave: Yes.

I liked the ladies.

I was an attractive man.

A female reader: You’re mean!

A dead miner in Horton Cave: *Laughs*

He was fine!

I don’t really mean that man any harm.

It just scared him.

A female reader: *Nods.*

So you’re scaring him…to cope with your own insecurity!

A dead miner in Horton Cave: Yes.

Okay?

I guess I’m still kind of a jerk.

A female reader: Ha!

I’m falling for you.

…Could I date you?

A dead miner in Horton Cave: I’m sorry, sweetie.

I’m masculine huh?

A female reader: *Nods*

A dead miner in Horton Cave: See…I’d oblige.

NO! I would.

You seem nice.

Even pretty.

*She almost cries.*

But…it ain’t safe.

I might even like you.

A female reader: Yeah.

Too much interference?

A dead man in Horton Cave: Yes!

There are demons who can fool innocent women.

See…Lacey’s different. Fern tried to explain. But it’s hard for people to understand, I guess.

Anyway…you ain’t safe. Being my gal.

I’m sorry.

A female reader: *Cries.*

DAMMIT!

Is there attraction between us?

A dead miner in Horton Cave: Yes.

You’re a good-looking gal.

You sure are!

I’m sorry you’re so lonely.

A female reader: I’m INCREDIBLY LONELY.

You…-

A dead man in Horton Cave: Well…what can I tell you?

I’m dead. You’re not.

I can’t tell you to commit suicide. You know that.

Say! What’s fun to you?

What do you enjoy?

A female reader: I feel like I almost-

A dead miner in Horton Cave: Yeah!

We’re sorta courting.

That’s okay!

It’s fine.

Now, tell me pretty lady…what do you enjoy? In your living life!

A female reader: Men are shit compared to you. Men who are alive, I mean.

Well, the ones I’ve met.

A dead man in Horton Cave: *Nods in understanding.*

I’ll be here.

In 49 years.

When you die of a heart attack from global warming? I’ll still be right here.

Wanna go out? See something fun?

A female reader: *Laughs*

Yeah.

A dead man in Horton Cave: Good.

Now…if you change your mind…I won’t be none offended. I promise. I’m not like that!

But we have a DATE.

A female reader: *Almost faints, considering it.*

I like hanging out?

A dead man in Horton Cave: ME TOO!

A female reader: *Almost weeps.*

You’re so NORMAL.

Wow.

A dead man in Horton Cave: Yeah.

You’re still pretty normal too.

Listen, we can hang out…at the saloon. Together. I’ll introduce you to my buddies.

They’re real nice.

A female reader: *Smiles*

That sounds Heavenly.

God: Well!

Something to look forward to.

For both of you.

Lacey: Did they serve sarsaparilla at that bar?

God: Yes. It was delicious.

Is there someone wondering why Fern was so in love with Israel?

Another female reader: Yes.

What…the heck?

God: She loved the Jewish people.

Still does.

And her heart was so broken for them, and their suffering…that she is currently happily doing what is intercession, with my son Jesus, for the Jews.

A Catholic: Right off the bat!?

Right away?

God: Yes.

She wasn’t expecting to die.

She was expecting to live.

And…in the state of mind she is still in….she just wants to….have fun.

Lacey: *Nods.*

I think going to Israel and doing warfare on behalf of Christ….would be fun for her.

God: Yes.

She’s having a blast.

Bibi: What exactly is she doing?

Jesus: *Laughing*

Are you worried?

Bibi: *Laughing*

No.

Jesus: Well…she’s doing real work.

So….she’s doing intercession for Christian Palestinians and Jews.

A Catholic: I can’t believe that’s fun for her?

God: *Laughs.*

No.

She’s cool, as in she’s in air conditioning. And she has a good lunch.

And she’s having A BLAST hanging out with Jesus. They get along famously.

Another female reader: How did she die?

God: She had back problems. And she was an old woman.

She had surgery and it went very badly.

At first it seemed okay, but it wasn’t the case, in reality.

And now she’s having a lot of fun.

The Republican Party: So! What exactly is she doing!?

God: She’s…literally in Israel. On the front lines.

Right there.

Praying over them.

It’s complicated. But she’s not…-

She’s with me…but she sees what’s going on. And she’s interceding for everyone.

Lacey: I’m in trouble.

God: YEAH.

Do you know why?

Lacey: I’m not trying to cut off men’s parts!

God: No. You’re not, I agree.

Lem never has experienced you that way.

It’s…actually them being weak. From sin.

You’re protecting yourself. Strategically.

And your offspring.

What else?

Lacey: We could have nuclear war.

God: Why?

Lacey: Her death…is going to make people too nervous.

Nefertiti: Yes.

She’s not me. But people think I’m Black.

It’s messing with their heads.

Even right now.

…I’m maternal to you. Regardless.

Even if I’m just an ancient ancestor.

How do you feel?

Lacey: *Thinks.*

I’m with Lem.

In The South of France?

Nefertiti: *Freaks out.*

That’s not normal, sweetie.

Listen to “Stormy Weather” as performed by Ethel Waters.

Pat Wilson: Joe…-

I came on…to him.

I did!

*She smiles.*

He was SO handsome. And…I wanted fun.

I was alone.

And I knew my husband wasn’t faithful.

So, I decided to try my best to…catch his attention. I was so sad.

Listen to “Love Me Or Leave Me” as performed by Benny Goodman.

I invited him to dinner. Over and over again.

*She laughs.*

And then…one night…he gave.

*She clasps her hands together.*

Lacey: What did he do!?

Pat: He kissed me.

He kissed me on the lips.

And that’s all.

I was married. He was afraid he was going to die.

And…we just were like that.

You’d have slept with Lem. I know.

I wasn’t that passionate…in that way.

Neither was Joe.

We just kissed.

Held hands.

And that felt very daring to us.

I’m not saying we were saints. But we only kissed and held hands.

But we were in love.

We were very in love.

He asked me what I was looking for. I explained to him that I wanted true love. But of course, I understood why that wasn’t likely.

He told me that he could love me…but he wouldn’t know how to fix things at home, so we could get married. I told him we could get married. That I was sure of it.

He wondered if that was possible.

And we fell madly in love.

See…that’s not Lem.

Explain why!

Lacey: –

Lem: Because I’d have proposed. The first night.

After making love.

And she’d have accepted.

We’d be pregnant and off to the chapel.

Within a week.

Married for the rest of eternity, actually.

Pat: *Nods and smiles.*

Joe…-

*She laughs.*

He wanted to be…a U.S. President.

Lacey! …To you and Lem…that’s nothing. Fine.

But to Joe? Wow!

And yeah, I was Lady Somethingoranother. The Countess of Jersey.

But…I found being US President impressive too.

It really is something.

You know?

*Lacey thinks.*

The White House isn’t much…by our standards. But it’s…grand.

It’s really grand.

I promise you it is!

And I would have made it better.

You understand?

Lacey: Yes.

I think of eating Beef Stroganoff on a dining-room table, in a smallish but lovely house. In a suburb. In the early 1990’s. And I think…how grand that actually felt.

Yes.

That’s when America existed.

Listen to “Moonglow” as performed by Artie Shaw.

Pat Wilson: That was the country Joe wanted to be the President of.

And I loved him.

He was so smart!

Gosh.

*Lacey smiles in understanding. And God weeps.*

*And if there’s reincarnation Akhenaten is…under the grace of God. Because yes, Tom Banks messed-up.*

Listen to “Cheek to Cheek” as performed by Fred Astaire.

Tom: I meant well.

I really did!

Lacey knows that, I hope.

Pat Wilson: I was in love.

I was desperately in love.

And I was willing to sacrifice for him. But I insisted he had to do right by me.

And…he agreed to.

I get mad. For both of us.

Because David Axelrod says Joe may have wanted to get away from me. That’s NOT true. He didn’t! I swear it!

He loved me.

…That’s the Kennedy myth, Lacey. Their history is bad history. It’s not real.

…Joe was going to marry me.

Lacey: Pat, how could he have been President and married you?

Pat: Yeah.

Well…-

We were going to do it.

Lacey: Was that how he died?

Pat: Yes.

You already know.

Lacey: I was in love with him.

Pat: Yeah.

Lacey: How did he think he was going to live!?

Pat: I’m sorry.

I let him-

He was willing to gamble it.

But yes, he was doing that to win public support for our love.

*She weeps.*

Lacey: *Watches her.*

Queen Elizabeth II: Lacey is Lady Rosslyn. Try to remember, Pat.

She’s not going cold.

Pat: Oh my.

Lacey, I’m not sure why I was so mean.

Because I should have let you know that much sooner.

I guess I was…hurt and jealous.

Yeah. He died…trying to make our love…a marriage.

Lacey: *Smirks.*

Listen to “I’m So Tired” by Fugazi

Lacey: I’m going to give you my original answer.

Ha!!!

I knew it.

*She smirks.*

You’re in love.

Pat Wilson: *Stares at Lacey.*

Yes.

Lacey: Why did he choose that job!!?!

Listen to “Army Dreamers” by Kate Bush.

Pat: For foolish, horrific reasons.

Lacey: Sick.

Queen Elizabeth II: I agree.

Lacey: So what would have happened if he’d lived?

Pat: He’d have been able to sell the U.S. public on the concept of me.

I’d have been…the woman he fell in love with. On a daredevil mission.

We’d have lied. Said my husband died before we started our relationship.

People have assumed I was in love with him, my husband that is. I was. But…not really. You understand how it all works better than they do. …Don’t let them keep fooling you with their bullshit.

We would have married. REALLY.

Of course, it was all hush-hush. …Joe didn’t tell anyone.

Lacey: He wouldn’t!

Pat: EXACTLY!

EXACTLY, Lacey.

Why?

Lacey: He’s…evil. He’s quite evil. …But…it’s just how he was raised. And his heart isn’t in it, entirely.

Pat Wilson: That’s very accurate.

Did he tell you about me?

Lacey: Yes.

He told me I reminded him of you.

Pat: Sweetie, you’re a horrible ditz.

When did he tell you that?

Lacey: *Laughs.*

Yes.

Well.

I was…a young woman.

Pat: Lacey…how did you hear him?

Lacey: *Thinks.*

Shoot!

The same way I’m hearing you.

But I just imagined it was my imagination.

I’ve always wanted to write a good novel.

Pat: No.

You’re not a ditz.

You’re BEING LIED TO.

Lacey! How could you know about me…BEFORE you knew about me!?

FROM HIM!

It’s preposterous. But they’ve kept you from figuring it out.

No, he told you about me!

HE TOLD YOU ABOUT ME.

Lacey! That’s WAY too weird.

Lacey: Yeah.

It is.

Because she was you. Not some kind of person who is like you.

I could almost see you, as he talked about you.

Pat: What did he say?

Lacey: That you two were in love.

That I had similar romantic ideals to you.

Why did he mess with me? That’s so stupid!

Pat: You’re very beautiful.

And I married again.

Stuff like that.

*She shrugs.*

Maybe I was even happily married when he told you.

Lacey: And he wondered if you two were through?

Pat: YES!

Lacey: And he was being evil.

Pat: Yes.

Lacey: So…what did happen!?

Pat: What I’ve said.

Fern: I’m not dead yet, but I’m on my way out.

She hears us!

You do!

Ask God to explain more.

I had serious mental health issues, in my life. It was physical. Lacey’s not mentally-ill. But it’s the same. I wasn’t demon possessed. Neither is she!

There was a demonic element to it. Because…it’s not how it’s supposed to be. But…there are some things you can’t control. She’s not able to control this!

She’s just…*She shrugs*

She’s sort of dead. That’s scary to hear, but it’s true. No! It’s true!

Her brain is kind of dead.

She’s not braindead. *She laughs.*

But it’s like she’s…dead.

It’s very unusual, but it’s her brain.

Lacey, I’m sorry we left things the way we did. We’ll talk some more someday!

Lacey: Sounds good!

Fern: Yup.

Let’s have lunch. Okay?

My treat.

Lacey: Where?

Fern: *Rubs her hands together in anticipation*

Moscow!

No! I’m serious.

I want a word with Putin…with you there…when you’re both dead.

Lacey: *Laughs*

Fern: He needs to apologize to you. And it would be fun to eat in Russia

Lacey: Sounds like fun!

Lem: I’m there too.

Fern: Fine.

Lacey: You sound better this time.

Fern: *Nods.*

I’m more ready.

I’m READY!

*She laughs*

Lacey: We’re going to miss you!

Fern: *Leaves, to cry.*

Lacey: Pat…-

*Goes to get more homemade “Pink Drink”*

Pat: She made me tell you all that.

Fern.

She’s been crossing over.

And she’s been praying.

I kind of wanted to. But she was fighting in her spirit, for justice. For many people.

So Lacey, yes. You’re…hearing us.

It’s real.

You’re just hearing us.

Eric is the same way.

Greg: Where are they finding these people?

Pat: They don’t.

Eric’s father was a very rich man.

Lacey’s family has oil.

It’s more just the way it all works.

People with abnormally high IQ’s like Lacey…and Eric…tend to have a lot of money. At times. At least, nowadays. And it’s relatively easy for people to find them…in the right social context.

Lacey will summer in Switzerland. She has.

Eric loves Gstaad.

If you walked into a ski resort…in December…on Lake Louise? You’d very easily find someone.

Greg: She went to my church.

Pat: *Laughs*

Yes!

I’m sure there are other people who are like that at many churches, just like your church. Or there have been.

People like them…are drawn to Charismatic Christian worship.

Greg: What’s happening when she worships? At a church like mine?

Pat: Honestly?

Joe was there. At times.

With most living people…there’s not much reason to hang around. With someone who can hear us? It’s far more tempting.

Greg: So?

Pat: So we join you. In prayer. Etc..

Greg: How are you talking to her!?

Pat: Greg…Catholics believed in Purgatory for centuries.

WHY?!

It’s not just witchcraft!

They had real reasons.

….To be honest? It’s much harder to lose your Christianity than some people think.

But…it’s not as simple as some people think it is, either.

God really does look at your heart.

And…we can…still see you all. At times. And…some of us…choose to be evil.

You don’t lose your free will.

Greg: That baffles me.

Why would you do that!?

Pat: Because…it’s like the Mad Men episode where Don Draper sees the dead Vietnam soldier. And the man is stuck with missing parts. And he tells Don that just because he’s dead doesn’t mean he got his leg back? I think it was his leg?

Anyway, it’s like that spiritually. In a way.

When you die…if you’re saved…and you go to…the beginning of Heaven. Okay? But you’re not sold out? God keeps trying to edge you towards Heaven. But…you can…cease to exist.

Or you can…be sent to Hell.

Scary! I know. But don’t be scared. God is incredibly loving and wise.

Greg: So…you die…and you decide to reject Christ. But not really. So you’re stuck in this like Limbo?

Pat: Close.

Close.

Greg: And you then you…either cease to exist…or go to Hell…or go to Heaven?

Pat: He doesn’t want anyone going to Hell.

So basically, yes.

A Christian: Which designer are you? Jackie wore Oleg Cassini.

I’m sure Pat was very fashionable.

What about you, Lacey?

Lacey: Norell, Sybil Connolly, Dior, Clare Mccardell. Probably especially Clare Mccardell. But I love Dior! They’re all brilliant!

Pat:

That’s Clare Mccardell.

A man reading this: Why the fuck…do we assume Lem was gay!?

NBC: He may not have been.

David Axelrod would like to apologize to Pat.

Pat: I’m sorry!

But TOO LATE.

No.

You can’t do that.

SORRY!

NBC: He’s sorry.

Pat: Great.

I’m still hurt.

I sound like a crazy person. Who went around hunting Joe down.

That’s not what happened.

I did pursue him. I really did. Fine. But I certainly was not…chasing him around. Desperately.

*She laughs.*

A female reader: Pat, what did happen?

Pat: It’s like Lacey said.

Joe was raised to be evil.

Okay?

Joe Senior raised him to be an absolute jerk.

But somehow…he knew better. At times.

And…I think…we just fell in love.

*She shrugs.*

He felt that we belonged together. He made many promises. And…I could tell he meant to make good.

He told me we’d marry. And he meant it. He was…gaga over me.

David Axelrod: Why didn’t he tell people?

Pat: Because he hated commitment.

Telling people made him feel weak.

Kick knew.

Jack knew, I think.

…He did tell some people.

Billy Cavendish knew!

All of that family knew.

But…he wanted to keep control.

David: So…he genuinely promised to marry you?

Pat: *She sighs*

Yes.

Yes.

He had made promises in the past. Yes? But…Athalia was his father’s pick. He loved her, some. But…not like me.

Lacey Banks. Kay Banks. She’s really Kay Banks, but she goes by Lacey.

Her name is Kay.

Anyway,-

Kirk and Kay.

I love it.

Anyway, Joe would have tried to marry her.

*Pat laughs.*

He’s-

*She looks angry.*

Lacey has a great body. Okay?

Elliott can tell you.

*She smirks.*

Lacey is built.

Just like Lem.

And…well…Joe is-

He’d have tried to marry her. Just to get…the fast car with all the trimmings. He was like that. Unfortunately.

Of course…he’d have cheated with me. Before they were even married. So maybe they’d not have even married.

Lacey: How do you tolerate that?

Pat: Because you’re hot.

You’re our generation’s ideal.

And I can understand.

*She rolls her eyes.*

I know he loves me. More than you. …I know he’s just…-

*She rolls her eyes*

Lacey: He’s just what?

Pat: *She thinks.*

He’s…an absolute idiot.

Lacey: Why tolerate that?

Pat: Because I do love him.

And…I know I’m truly special to him.

Lacey, you’re GORGEOUS.

Sweetie, you’re GORGEOUS.

…Seeing you…in all your glory…- If he’d leave you to be with me!? No. He loves me.

He loves ME.

…And I’m sure there would be others.

But you’re a rare breed. And…-

*She smiles.*

You’d give me confidence, ironically.

Lacey: *Thinks.*

Can I really hear you?

Because why didn’t you tell me this before?!

Pat: …I wasn’t ready.

You can. Mostly. Hear us.

Joe wasn’t ready either.

Lacey: Well…I hope you’re both happy.

*She smiles.*

A man: So Lem…seduced her!?

God: Yes.

A man: How is he gay!?

God: He isn’t gay.

A man: So gay men…are afraid that if they admit he might be straight…and faking it…they’ll have to start looking for the others?

God: That’s very much part of it!

*Later.*

Lem: I was straight.

Someday, at the rate they were going, 30 years ago, they’d realize that.

Harvard: Really?

Lem: Yes.

In about 40 years.

Yes. 40 years!

You’d have new psychological evidence. From decades of studying gay marriage. And you’d have new genetic evidence. From AI.

You’d know I was straight. And it would bother you.

Harvard: What would we say?

Lem: That I was very screwed-up.

That I had severe depression and anxiety, my whole adult life.

That I was…WAY too detached.

Bizarrely detached.

That my particular type of drug use, didn’t correlate with grief. At least not the way I would have been grieving Jack.

That I seemed more…sexually frustrated.

And you’d also suspect that I was faking most of my facial expressions. To look gay.

AI.

REALLY.

Harvard: And then what?

Lem: You’d have a better understanding of JFK. Why he died. Who he really is and was.

And actually….you’re going to become obsessed with Red Fay. In this scenario.

He really was bisexual. They had a real relationship.

Harvard: Do we write books about him and Red?

Lem: No!

*He laughs.*

You make MOVIES.

Huge blockbusters.

I’m suddenly a fascinating…red herring. A sad side-note. The tragic Lem. Downtrodden. Very downtrodden.

Harvard: And we love Red Fay?

Lem: You think Red is…FASCINATING.

Harvard: Does-

God: Yes. If there’s reincarnation, it does have to do with the rise of Asia.

Harvard: So we make a movie…about them?

Lem: Yes.

With most “Kennedys” old or dead…40 years from now…you’re free.

And…Red is truly fascinating.

He…really is!

He’s a GREAT character.

Lacey and I are hot. And we have interesting personalities. We’re also very loving and deep.

But Red!? Red is COMPLICATED.

You think I’m complicated? HA!

Red is VERY complex.

Just think about it!

I was trying to be gay. So I bought the apartment. Wore the clothes.

I followed Jack around. Tried to love him. Told people I did.

But it’s nonsense. I’m never sad enough at the right times.

And I did have a crazy “Playboy” collection.

Red? …He almost cried at Jack’s wedding. HE DID.

He was SO jealous. Of Jackie. You can see it in his eyes.

I’m way too happy. He…was not. He was forcing himself to smile, in every photo.

But…he’s under the radar.

I got into fights. Heck! That’s me. I would have married my wife, the first time I saw her.

Red…was crafty.

People say I was discreet? Okay. RED WAS DISCREET! Red was unbelievably discreet.

Do you even know about him!?

Harvard: Barely.

Lem: EXACTLY.

No, they were involved in World War II.

And I knew that. Jack told me, either openly or by accident.

I didn’t care.

And…Red calls me neutral? Ha! He KNEW. He knew I wasn’t gay.

…But I was a good cover. As long as people were focused on me? He could really get away with it.

But…he did love his wife.

He was SO complicated. Because, what made him tick? Why…did he love Jack so much? And keep…going back to him? Even while married? What was going through his mind!?

I said I didn’t want to work for Jack because I was trying to keep our relationship personal? Well, or something like that. Red knew better. Because they were actually involved. He wasn’t worried. …That’s fascinating!

He…had real intimacy with Jack. And Jack protected him from scrutiny. With everyone.

He’s still protected.

Jackie even…lost to him. She was focused on me, and a few other guys and many women. But Red? Totally under the radar!

He may have even pursued her, after Jack died.

No, you’d become fascinated with him.

Harvard: The movie?

Stanley Kubrick: Great film, as far as films go.

It starts in World War II.

They meet. They have a moment.

It goes on…until Red writes his book. Then we see Red weep. Alone. In a park.

Cue the music.

A woman in her 20’s: You guys…how dumb are we?

This actually makes sense.

I’m thinking we’re DUMB.

I also really wanna see this movie. It sounds brilliant.

Stanley Kubrick: It would be a blockbuster.