Keen to Cross the Pond

“YUP!” says Casi.

Listen to “Civilization” as performed by the Andrews Sisters.

“So! We’re down to $1.9 billion.” says Lacey.

“Oh right. Because she turned it into Francs.” says Bill Gates.

“But then we have to turn the Pounds into Francs.” says British economist.

“What’s liquid?” says God.

“Oh no!” says Princess Anne.

“Did you forget!?” yells King Henry VIII.

“Yes.” confesses Princess Anne. “Bobby has poisoned my whole family against her.”

“Ahh! The Poop Master himself.” says a reader. “KING POO.”

“Poo Fong.” jokes Elisa Lam.

“POOPY FONG!” says a dead baby.

“I forget Bobby is reincarnated from China.” says Matt.

“Nah! It’s not real. I’m a super fan of love. And she needs me to be inferior. So I play along like a good sport.” says “Poo” Fong.

“Master Poopy ‘POO’ Fong.” says God.

“Anyway.

Let’s convert it.” says Lacey. She looks. “How much!?”

“It’s at $2 billion. In Francs. All things considered.” says King Henry VIII.

“Okay.

Then what Casi?” says Lacey.

“Did I just take out the Royal Family?” says Casi.

“Yes. Because Lem wasn’t gay. And King Charles III aims to be loyal to Bobby.” says God.

“Okay. Cool.” says Casi.

“Then what Casi?” says Lacey.

“I was a failure as a father, in this regard.” confesses Prince Philip.

“I have no idea what to do right now.” says Prince Edward.

“Let’s see what Casi does next.” says Prince Philip.

Queen Elizabeth II laughs with Lacey.

“I go to the French countryside to barter.” says Casi.

“Okay. You have $2 billion in Francs.” says Princess Anne, with confidence.

“Let’s not watch.” says an Italian-American to Lacey.

“I have to.” says Lacey.

“So do I.” confesses Matt.

“I barter the Francs.” says Casi.

“With who!?” says King Micheal, of Kent. “We found a spare $1 billion.”

“I barter the Windsor Francs…with…-“ she says. “I barter them with…-

The new Royal Family?”

“Nope.” says King Micheal.

“Actually, Casi…you have people who are hunting you down now. You forced the oil companies to give you $800,000,000.00 million. Remember?” says God.

“Oh. Okay.” says Casi.

“So??” says Matt.

“Ahh…am I even still alive?” says Casi.

“Yes. Hiding in the French countryside.” says God.

“BRAVO!” says Scotia. “NOW WHAT!?”

“How do I safely spend $2 billion?” says Casi.

“You can’t.” says God.

“What can I spend?” asks Casi.

“$8 million, at most.” says God.

“Okay.” says Casi. “Can I take a vacation, safely?”

Lacey laughs.

“No.” says God. “You have to stay in the French country estate. Hiding. Until they find you.”

“How long does that take?” asks Lem.

“A week.” says God.

“So I have 600 handbags, I destroyed the world…and I have week in an apocalypse…in a filthy country estate?” says Casi.

“Yes.” says God.

Listen to “Sympathy For The Devil” by The Rolling Stones.

“Amen.” says Satan.

Listen to “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” as performed by Freddy Martin.

Casi stands on the podium.

“I am going to explain something to you about Lacey Banks.” says Casi, in a microphone. “She actually feels bad about Alisha’s background and she doesn’t know what to say.

But…I feel mad.

Because…BECAUSE…Lacey’s house is like this:

And that’s nice. Okay!? Sure! NICE

But…that’s NOT a sprawling mansion.

It’s a mansion. But not…–

*she sighs and rolls her eyes*

“What about her cousin’s estate worth $6 million!?” says a reader.

“Fine.

But it’s only worth $6 million.” says Casi.

“Hey Casi! ARE YOU WEARING ANY PANTS!?” yells an Italian-American.

“No.

Nevermind.” says Casi.

People are stunned.

“Nevermind.

I have something to say!” says Casi.

Everyone waits. Barney Frank demanded we do?

“Okay…so what I’m saying is…-

What I’m saying…–

*Casi sighs*

It’s not that impressive. I’m sorry.” says Casi.

“What about the oil!?” says Barney Frank.

“Oil?!” says Casi.

“YES! You keep forgetting that.” says Barney Frank.

“Fine!

How much! Don’t lie!” says Casi.

“$80 BILLION!” shouts Bill Gates, somehow.

Casi looks nervous.

Matt rolls his eyes.

“Okay.

Well…I’m still better. Because I’m nicer.” says Casi.

“No. You’re not.” says God.

“Then I’m FUCKED!” says Casi.

“Yeah.” says Queen Mary.

“We could declare war on the oil industry to make them give us all their money. But that’s incredibly dumb. And how would we win? We maybe could…but…why bother?” says Gwen.

“How much could they safely get?” says Casi.

“Are you still standing there? In your spirit?” asks an Italian-American.

“Yes.” says a dead actor, laughing.

Listen to “I’m Every Woman” by Chaka Khan.

“VICTORIA’S SECRET!?” yells another Italian-American.

Casi shakes her head no.

“WHERE?” he yells.

“Walmart.” says Casi.

The song plays.

“White as the snow.” says another woman.

2:19

“I WANT ANSWERS!” says Casi.

2:36

“I WANT THE TRUTH!” yells Casi.

“What size?” asks a reader.

“18?” says a dead man. “Maybe XXL? She’s fat.”

“But she can still buy her undies from Walmart.” says another woman (also not Lacey), mocking her.

Listen to “I Feel for You” by Chaka Khan.

Casi looks upset.

“HOW MUCH CAN THESE FOOLS ACTUALLY GET OUT OF THE OIL COMPANIES!?” yells Casi.

0:43

“$800,000,000.” says a man in the oil industry.

Casi smiles. “You’re welcome!” she says to the whole Nesheim family.

“WE ALREADY KNEW!” yells Mark Nesheim.

2:02

“CASI, PUT ON SOME PANTS!” yells a dead Italian-American.

“SHUT-UP!” she yells, unaware of what he’s saying.

3:09

“We already knew.” says Mark Nesheim.

“Why didn’t we ask for more money?” says Lacey.

“We could have.

But I didn’t want to cause problems. And it wasn’t worth the time.” says Mark. “It’s not worth it.”

“Yeah.” says Lacey.

5:19

Casi looks angry.

“I WANT TO BE HONEST.“ yells Casi.

Listen to “Rondo in F Minor for Piano and Orchestra – “Kendall’s Journey” by Nicholas Britell.

“OKAY!” says God. “Go on?”

“THEY ARE PEASANTS!” yells Casi.

“‘Why’, asks the oil industry.” asks the oil industry.

Casi laughs. “Am I insane?” asks Casi.

“YES!” yells a dead Italian woman.

“Go on?” asks God.

“I’m better! I can feel it.” says Casi, pleadingly.

Listen to “Moderato Con Brio for Violin, Harp, and Orchestra” by Nicholas Britell.

“What were you thinking about the oil?” asks a dead Nesheim.

“That I’d like to be honest?“ says Casi.

“In what manner?” asks Elliott Roosevelt.

“I think I have a problem where I believe I am her.” says Casi. “But then I realize I’m not. That’s not my oil.

I guess I just don’t understand why they don’t want to bankrupt the oil companies.”

“Because that would destabilize the whole economy. That might even ruin the world.” says Mark Nesheim. “We were keeping the Middle East peace.”

“We were?” says Jim, in a panic.

“YES!!” yells Tom Banks. “MY DAUGHTER, IS NOT STUPID!!!”

“Wow!” says Jim.

“We have a lot of oil, Jim.” says Mark Nesheim.

“My goodness.” says Jim.

“See…that’s not what I want to do.” says Casi.

“It’s NOT YOUR OIL.” says Mark Zuckerberg.

“But it feels like my oil.” says Casi.

“It’s not.

Can you explain your…thoughts?” says Emperor Louis.

Listen to “La Cumparsita” as performed by Julio Iglesias.

“I think…it’s very clear.” says Casi.

“PUT PANTS ON HER!

I CAN’T STAND IT!” yells a dead Italian man.

“She doesn’t want to wear pants.” says a woman.

“HELP US!!” yells a dead Italian-American man.

A dead African woman wraps a makeshift skirt around her.

Listen to “Šalandy” as performed by Mark Bernes next.

“I WANT MY MONEY!” yells Casi.

“Casi, it’s not your money!” reminds Mark Zuckerberg.

She shrugs and laughs. “Okay?” she says. “But if I had that oil…I’d kick the oil industry in the guts.”

“Go on?” says an oil executive.

“I’d make them pay!!” yells Casi.

2:44

“And you’d destabilize the whole world!” says an oil executive.

“WHO CARES!” says Casi. “I’d have my $300,000,000!”

“In what currency?” asks Bill Gates.

Listen to “Le Monde (From Talk to Me) by Richard Carter.

“FRANCS!” yells Casi.

A perfume collector laughs.

“She’s serious.” says God.

The song restarts.

“How does that keep you safe?” asks God.

“I can barter. In the French countryside.” says Casi.

“You’re going to take $300,000,000.00 to the French countryside…if you even can…and BARTER!?” says a woman in the U.S. Embassy.

“YES!” says Casi, laughing.

“WITH WHO!?” says the woman.

Casi looks annoyed.

Listen to “APRÈS-VOUS MADAME” by Maître Gims & Soolking.

“I have MONEY!” says Casi, as if she’s deadly threatening.

“Okay. Then why do you have to barter in the French countryside?” says the woman.

“I won! I OWN 600 LOUIS VUITTONS!” yells Casi.

“Is that what you barter with?” says the woman.

“No.

I barter with the Francs.” says Casi.

“Why not the bags?” says Lem.

3:14

“LA DOLCE VITA!!” yells Lacey, enraged, mocking her.

The song ends and restarts.

“Why not the bags?” yells Lem.

“I have FRANCS!” says Casi.

She sits down. On a chair. In a dilapidated old chateau. In rural France.

“Gorgeous! I love it!

But how does work?” says Jim.

“I HAVE MONEY!” says Casi.

“Then-

Wait. You took ALL your money and made it into Francs!?” says Bill Gates. “You just lost over $50 million.”

“NO. I don’t.” says Casi.

“Except you did.” says Bill Gates.

Listen to “Rasputin” by Majestic & Boney M..

“SO WHAT!” says Casi.

“How many Louis Vuittons did you buy?” asks God.

“It’s sexy and feminine to be an idiot?” says Ireland.

“NO.” says God. “It’s not that simple.”

“She also spent over $1,000,000.00 on handbags. At least.” says Louis Vuitton.

“Casi how did you buy 600 Louis Vuitton handbags?” asks God.

Listen to “Clubbed to Death” by Rob Dougan.

An Iran who stabbed a man to death stares at Lacey, in shock.

“That’s who they used to be?” he says, horrified.

“HOLY SHIT!” says another dead Iranian.

“We bought them at a store.” says Casi.

“Ahh…how!?” asks a Hollywood producer.

“We just did!” says Casi.

“WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER!?!” yells King Henry VIII at Princess Anne, about Casi.

“Because Lacey says I’m not as pretty as I was when I was younger.” says Anne.

“IS SHE INSANE!?” yells King Henry VIII, about HRH Princess Anne.

“I agree.” says Tutankhamen.

“How much money does Casi spend on handbags?” asks King Henry VIII.

Bill Gates laughs with Lacey.

“Over $300,000,000.00.” says King Henry VIII.

“Really!?” says Lacey. “That much!?”

He nods. “Yes! Because she has to bribe Louis Vuitton. And it all adds up.”

“So we’re peasants now?” asks Lacey.

King Henry VIII, looks stunned.

“YES!” says Princess Anne, happily laughing at Lacey. “I KICK ASS!” she says, embarrassing herself.

Listen to “New York, New York” as performed by Frank Sinatra & Tony Bennett.

“No. That’s not true.

But let’s see.

How about we use the Royal Family’s money.

What we got left?“ says Lacey.

“$2 billion.” says Princess Kate.

Princess Anne does a victory lap. Feeling like “a rich girl”.

“Didn’t your mum raise you better!?” asks a Brit.

“I AM…A-

No. I’m helping you.

Don’t you understand?” says Princess Anne. “OUT WITH THE OLD, BABY! In with the new.”

“I don’t want that, Annie. Doll!” says a real Englishman.

“HA! I decide. I’m ROYAL!” she says.

“You seem Nordic, Anne. Not British.” says God.

“I’m NOT!! I’m ENGLISH.” she says.

“Not much.” says King Henry VIII.