You Really Think I’m Michael Rockefeller

(Adult Content below)

“Who are you, Mr. Blue?” asks Michael of Mr. Blue.

“I didn’t have sex. I just took a shower.” says Lacey.

“I’m Chris Hayes!” he says.

“Why Chris Hayes?” asks Lacey.

The Look by Metronomy plays.

“Because he’s a very talented man. Right? And he’s heavily indebted to the Democratic Party and so is his wife.” says Lacey. “And he’s annoying at times so people are likely to be excited to kill him.”

“You think I’m annoying in the same way?” asks Mr. Blue.

“Yes! Very much so.” says Lacey.

“How so?!” asks Mr. Blue laughing.

“I did have a crush on him. But…I was desperate. I’m sorry if that’s insulting to you.” she says. “The thing is, he’s so self-righteous all the time. And his face is effeminate. …From the side it’s handsome though. …But he’s…obviously dorky.”

“Do you think Chris Hayes has a secret sexual prowess like mine or Lem’s?” asks Michael Rockefeller.

“You mean, one that doesn’t come out in his face? Automatically?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” says Michael.

“But you have a strong chin. Mr. Blue doesn’t?” says Lacey.

“True. Men like Chris Hayes are more androgynous.” says Michael.

“Why have you held me hostage using all the tricks at your disposal in the Illuminati?” Lacey asks Mr. Blue.

“What was his supposed spirit like in bed while he tricked you into the hostage situation? After he sociopathically lied to you.” asks Michael of Lacey.

“It wasn’t him. It was me. I acted confused. But I wasn’t.” says Lem.

“Oh! You mean his actual spirit didn’t leave his body?” asks Lacey. “He did some spiritual sex ritual. And I misunderstood partially but also it was an entirely false premise.”

Michael laughs. “He’s…not good at all in bed according to you?”

“Was there any of his spirit involved at all or not?” asks Lacey.

“Possibly not. We’ll have to ask God.” says Lem.

“Were you in a lower level of Purgatory?” Lacey asks Lem.

“You mean, did you come to me?” asks Lem. “And no, I don’t mean that as an innuendo.”

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Maybe. Ask God.” says Lem.

“So…umm…you cast her actual spirit into a lower level of Purgatory?!? Against her will?!?” ask the Catholics.

“It was a sex ritual.” says Mr. Blue shrugging.

“For the Illuminati.” says Summertime Sadness.

“We…don’t… Why do you care?” he asks Summertime Sadness.

“You…do…attack people.” says Summertime Sadness.

“I’m sorry…I…am…so….conflicted.” says Mr. Blue.

“She might have just slept with us.” says Louis.

“What does that mean??” asks Vanny.

“It means that God actually knows us. And He truly did and does see our absolute intentions in a way that’s awe-inspiring.” says Lem.

“So he knew Lacey was truly trying to look for love when she crushed on Mr. Blue. He knows that Chris Hayes isn’t her ideal. I am.” says Michael. “And if I had the heart I had as a poor man she’d still find me incredibly attractive.”

“You might have to be as handsome and intelligent. But the money wasn’t it.” says Lem to Mr. Blue.

“Yeah, but it’s not about the money. So…if you looked like you…but without the money you’d be attractive. Honestly, for her it’s about what’s in your heart too.” says a ghost, echoing his doppelgänger.

“I’m not done saying what I want to say. But our literal decaf black tea just arrived. And if we don’t choke we’re going to have tea and cake. Maybe dinner soon. More later!” says Lem.

Time will pass. Satan can’t stop time.

We’ve Got It by Cults plays.

Lem sits staring out at cold as ice Lake Superior on a bench. He’s overwhelmed.

Lacey is like Anne Shirley from Anne of Green Gables. Except…she was never loved.

Maybe by a dead Queen. Maybe by the English. Her kids. …But otherwise, no.

“Her ex-husband loves her as a friend but not that closely. He’s very loyal though. Like the English are loyal. And…profound.” says Lem falling into tears.

“And there’s God.” says Lacey somewhat brightly.

“So imagine Anne Shirley bullied, despised…but never finding happiness. Being molested. …But she’s still Anne Shirley. …Of course Gilbert meets Jack Kennedy and his whole damn fucking bullshit family. …And Gilbert turns into a prick.” Lem sighs. “As much of a genuine prick as Gilbert Blythe can be. I’m Gilbert Blythe, of course…”. He cries. “Anyway…that’s why she slept with other men who aren’t me.” he seethes bitterly.

“Yes.” says Michael. Michael joins him.

“No, she told me she never could be a gold-digger. Essentially she said that… But…she said she considered it because it sounded restful. All you’d have to do was just love the man being beautiful as she is-“ he breaks off bitterly and uncontrollably weeping. “And-“ he weeps. “And be faithful. And it’d be like a lovely little insane asylum.”

“Yes! What’s your point. She’s right. It is a very safe insane asylum offered to women who are kind, gold and extremely beautiful.” says Michael Rockefeller. “In 20th Century America.”

“Would you have married her?” asks Lem.

“Yes!!” says Michael laughing.

Lem looks confused.

Michael grows irate. “What don’t you get, Lem?”

Lem gets angry. “She’s not insane, Michael!” He tries not to cry. “Why would you let her collapse into you like that?!”

Black Car by Beach House plays.

“Because I love her…eyes. I see her and I instantly love her eyes. From across the room.” starts Michael. “I love her soul.” He laughs slightly. “And I know that reincarnation is unlikely. Because I’m a Christian. But…who is she?!?” says Michael. “And I don’t think twice about it. Because as a grown man I know what I like. And I feel the Holy Spirit.” He smiles. “And the instant we connect…I know she’s right. Because that’s the kind of man God made me as.” He thinks. “I’m not trying to sound condescending, but my grandfather was John D. Rockefeller. That’s my grandfather.” He smiles. “It’s just instinct for me.” He catches Lem’s eyes. He glares. “I let her collapse? Or I feel like the luckiest man alive that she’s so needy for me?”

“But she’s…not…insane.” Lem repeats.

Michael bows his head, “I need her to collapse anyway, Lem.” He looks up every bit Michael Rockefeller into Lem’s face. “Just her. Just Lacey.” He looks sad. “And…it just makes it easier for us to get closer.” He stares off into the snowy expanse. “We have to connect that deeply. And I was fortunate enough to be able to mentally handle it.”

“Michael…my point is that she can’t fight you off properly.” says Lem.

“Really?” asks Michael. He tries not to scoff.

Lem is floored the more he contemplates it. “I don’t think I understand you, Michael. Can you explain further?”

“Lem she resists.” he can’t say more. “But she also doesn’t. And I can tell when to stop caring and just let go and be a man.”

Lem thinks. “Aren’t you a man the whole time?”

Michael laughs. “Yes, but you know what I mean. …I’m trying to find a polite and accurate way to put it.”

“Here’s the thing: why don’t care that she can’t resist more? …Doesn’t that seem unfair?” asks Lem.

“I was good at telling how vulnerable people were. How much they wanted me. As friends. As lovers. As almost anything.” says Michael.

“So you contend that you know exactly how much she wants you? …But…what if you’re second rate? Like me.” says Lem. “And you don’t want her to get stuck with you.”

“You know what she’d say? She’d say that that’s heartless.” says Michael.

“Would you ever use someone, Michael.” says Lem.

“No and yes. Not at heart. …Possibly for some just end.” says Michael. “If I’m in trouble I might have. …It’s self-defense I suppose. …But possibly not more than was necessary.”

“And you die…honorably…and then that’s it.” says Lem.

“Lem, you’re not second-rate. …Why are you so cruel?!?” asks Michael. “Explain to me why you’re so determined to make her the man?!?”

“That’s harsh.” says Lem. “You don’t see it? I’m…worried I’m pushing myself on her.” He looks sad. “I might not be. I’m-“. He is startled at the thought of something terrible. “Michael why don’t you worry?!?” he asks desperately.

“Lem, you’re the man. …Why are you so worried about her…meaningless qualms? If she’s as honorable as Lacey is…she won’t truly lie.” says Michael. “Not really. What has she told you?”

“So you assume she’s in love with you?! She’s told me she loves me more than anyone, in essence. But…I gave heroin to teenage kids.” he says. “She loves me. And understands I had psychological reasons possibly and it was the 1960’s…but…I was still dumb and useless enough to do that. And…why did I just say that?”

“Lem, why did you? Do love her or not?” asks Michael.

“Yes.” he says desperately.

“Why can’t you close the deal then?” asks Michael. They laugh. “You know I don’t mean having sex.”

“I don’t want to hurt her.” says Lem.

“But you hurt her more that way in your case. …In my case too. We’re exceptions in her existence, Lem. We are the chosen few, perhaps.” says Michael.

They pause in silence for a moment.

“I need her permission.” says Lem.

“I don’t think you understand.” says Michael.

Lem scoffs slightly. “But Michael, then I have to get rid of you as nicely as possible.”

“Why do you have to get rid of me?” asks Michael.

“Because you’re right. I have to let her collapse into me.” says Lem.

“And I’m in the way?” asks Michael.

“No, I have to admit I have to be…aggressive with her. …How about this: when I was molested I decided not to be aggressive with women because I didn’t want to scare them the way I’d been scared. Even though I also thought I was gay I was such a gentleman regardless… I just struggle with what to you is instinct. …I love her. I don’t want to abandon her. But I don’t want to be…ugly and inappropriate.” says Lem.

Michael looks worried.

“Lem, I’m not going to go away. You’ll have to not get rid of me but make me comparatively unnecessary and not as good as you… If you’re superior you’re prolonging my agony. Because I love her. …It’s awful being so in love and waiting to either slit your throat – and I respect you – or preparing to fully accept that I have to move on. It’s her heart I care about though. …You’ve got to accept that you are better than her in your own way as a man. Not in terms of value, but strength.” says Michael.

“I can’t make her reassure me.” says Lem.

“Lem that’s what she’s resisting, don’t you think?” asks Michael.

“She hasn’t said no. But…yes. She’s testing my heart and strength. …And all I have to do is want real happiness. For both of us.” he says.

“It’s for our own good, Lem. I’m not going to be as nice anymore. Please try to love yourself like Christ loves you.” says Michael. “As nice about this.” He smiles. “So to speak.”