The Irish Hated Me

“You’re unfathomably beautiful.” says Casi to Lacey trying to be honest and sincere with Lacey.

“Okay. Well…” says Lacey.

“She’s my wife!!!” yells Lem.


“Lacey is reminded that she’s very possibly Tommy Banks’s actual daughter.” says a Hispanic woman narrating the moment.

“Dad, I’m glad my daughter is with me…but…the thought of her at the zoo safe with her cousins seems nicer.” says Lacey to her father through God.

“We don’t generally resort to such draconian measures as the dead Kennedys have with Lacey in seeming Purgatory.” says the actual IRA in the Illuminati. “Why can’t they get it?!? She’s still alive. Or is that the idea?!? Torturing her whole family into sainthood?!? If that’s true…then we made a saint of the British Royal Family at times too! And they made saints of us! …No. God uses evil for good.”

They all think.

“You do realize you’ve got her walking on thin ice spiritually talking to you and other ghosts?!?” the IRA in the Illuminati asks the entire Kennedy family.

Bobby emerges undaunted.

“I found evidence that Lem is a reincarnated British aristocrat!” Bobby says.

“And oddly they’re also both genetically British. Lem and Lacey.” says a Millennial actor who believes in reincarnation whether he should or not.

Next Lacey is close to being killed. Not the way she requested for the safety of her family and others but in the form of a seemingly evil vendetta.

“It’s unfathomably worse than you think.” says Lem to warn the Illuminati. But they’re enslaved to their vanity and stupidity and essentially evil.

“Does it have to make sense?! We were indoctrinated while growing-up into believing nothing has to make sense if it feels possibly pleasurable at all potentially.” say all Millennials.

“Yes!! Things should make sense!” yells Lacey. “Kids being molested know that. Most child molesters know that. Most scientists used to know that. …That’s common sense!” says Lacey.

“So let’s talk about Lem!” says Bobby.

“Okay! Let’s talk!” says an English aristocrat to Bobby.

“Bobby…do you want us to blow Lacey’s car up with her whole family in it?” the IRA asks Bobby.

“Yeah. Slightly.” he responds.

“And kill all of them?!” asks the IRA laughing.

“And then they’d all be dead, Bobby!” says another IRA member to him.

“But what if there is an afterlife?” asks Bobby of the IRA. “See…what I’m worried about is that we messed-up. We sided with the Vikings. We don’t smother people I guess…but we do blow them up.”

“That’s so much more merciful than being smothered spiritually.” says Tommy Banks. “Why do you want me to run the entire world in Purgatory in conjunction with the British?”

“Banks is a British name.” says Kay Banks.

“Kay Lacey Banks.” says Lem. “Karrie Linn? Maybe it’s Kay Lacey Banks.”

“So her name is KAY?!” asks Casi.

“Or Grace?” asks her grandmother.

“It’s Lacey.” says Lacey.

“Anyway, Bobby…do go on!” says Kay.

“I think we do hate Lem if reincarnation is possible. And we shouldn’t ignore that!” says Bobby.

“Why??” asks Pat Nixon.

“Because he’s one of them!” says Bobby.

“So what’s the point of killing Lacey and her family?! To make a joke about The Troubles?!” asks the IRA.

“Yes!” says Lem. “If he’s capable of being genuinely kind.”

Later after discussing her exit Lacey decides to share on her blog they if she’s killed with her entire family in a car bomb it was the IRA making a good joke with the actual Lord Mountbatten, the current white supremacists deciding that the only true white people to ever live were the Italians, or the IRA killing Lacey to humor the Greatest Generation Kennedys who apparently wish they’d just been in the IRA and not the White House.

If Lacey dies ahead of time or cruelly or if her kids die cruelly it’s likely (not for certain) the They in the Illuminati deciding to risk destroying their literal eternity to indulge their fear of evil. Mind you not fear of evil being done to them but rather their worship of evil.

“I barely see much of a chance for my survival at this point. They’ve literally been trying to spiritually suffocate me for months. Lisa died. The writer died. Lots of people. And I go to I I no my daughter almost died just now kagain. She fell asleep in a weird position watching television with her blanket pulled too close to her face. And I got there just in time.” says Lem. “Lacey keeps trying daily to reason with them but they seem insistent on being evil.”

“How long has this been going on?!” asks someone of Lem.

Mr. Cologne 76 feels like he got caught in the middle of a bar fight.

“You people gotta realize if you kill her you’re toast!” yells Mr. Cologne 76.

“Not the IRA though. Based on the expressed joke. Should God be sure.” says an IRA spokesperson.

“Okay! Fine!” says Mr. Cologne 76, upset.

“It’s been going on for over six years.” says Lem. “Why?”

“Lem you cannot be serious about your family being blown-up?!?” asks a woman.

“I can’t let them die of brutal asphyxiation over a period of Holocaust years.” says Lem. “You people don’t understand how bad her life has been or how evil they are. Or if you do you don’t care about your eternity?!”

“I started the pandemic to stop you people.” says Joe Jr..

“So Lord Mountbatten was too nice to kill and if God is willing they’ll kill you to end your suffering?!” asks Chris Hayes.

“Yes! Because their scientific Satanism demands that they keep my tormentors alive.” says Lacey.

“Then you’re killing your family!” says Bobby to Lacey. “But you’re too dumb to know you’re doing it.”

“No. I’m in a Holocaust and I’m essentially sleeping with a Nazi guard to have him shoot my family instead of us dying and being killed slowly in a gas chamber after being raped and molested.” explains Lacey to Bobby.

“Yup!” says a southern white hateful hick thinking Lacey is just a demonic murderer of her family.

“No! There was no Holocaust. The English aristocracy made it up to kiss the Italian’s asses!” he says seriously.

“No! She just enjoys sex!” says a rich American Jew. “If I’d lived through the Holocaust I’d have done the same.”

“Really? I doubt that!” says pianist Arthur Rubinstein to rich American Jew.

“Why are we letting her die?!?” asks the rich American Jew in violent denial.

“Were you raised Jewish?!” Arthur Rubinstein asks the female rich American Jew. “Why weren’t you taught love?!”

“This woman must be an idiot! I’m a heroin addict like Lem and I’m better than her and I should kill her to save her kids from not being molested. The kids of heroin addicts get taken hostage all the time. And Hell is cool. I should kill her.” says a heroin addict reading her blog.

“That’s my man!” says Bobby Kennedy Jr. getting confused.

“Why not just overdose on Methadone!? Like a Saoirse!” says a white hick.

“I don’t do methadone. I do heroin!” brags the heroin addict.

“Do I need to find some deranged hunter to shoot them this fall?!” asks Louis.

“What happens when Lacey dies? If she does?” asks the white hick. “What happens to the oil?”

“Her cousins become brutal and violent if necessary.” says a Norwegian.

“Why not just start now?!” asks the white hick.

And at that Mr. Blue tries to suffocate Lacey in fear.

“So maybe we went too far?” asks an Illuminati pedophile of the evil elite.

“They won’t really do anything! They never do!” says Mr. Blue.

“Who?!? Who?!” asks an actor.

“The whites!” says Mr. Blue.

“You also didn’t think Trump could win.” says the actor.

“He didn’t win!” says Mr. Blue.

“Can I be blown-up too?!?” asks Ethel.

“There’s gotta be enough bombs laying around somewhere!” says Lacey seriously.

“Could Putin help!? …I’m just troubleshooting!” says Jim Dangle both jokingly and seriously.

“I’m scared to ask this but is Lacey is only one in the conversation who gets the seriousness of what’s happening and happened?!” asks the IRA in concern.

“I’m famous! You think I gotta worry about this shit anymore!?!? I’m soo above all of it! All of us with a net over a million in the Illuminati are. We’re so above everything!” says Mr. Blue seriously.

“Yeah! I agree! We’re invincible!” says an actor in the Illuminati.

“So Lacey fighting back and starting a pandemic, World War III, two failed US Presidencies…an international banking crisis…the obliteration of the US DOLLAR and who knows what else is coming…isn’t going to affect you?!?” asks Jim Dangle.

“No!! Not really?!? We’re genuinely invincible you fucking idiot!!” says Mr. Blue seriously. “We don’t need anything but money and air to win.”

“We don’t even need air or money!” says Bobby.

“I live in the city! I’m invincible!” says Mr. Blue.

“Chris…I might literally start a ground war in the U.S. and kill you. So how are any of you invincible then?” asks Vladimir Putin of the Chris Hayes wannabe. “I know the billionaire metrosexual who you’re used by. Maybe he thinks Lacey should be bombed just to get her out of his hair.”

“Why the hell do you think we will tolerate your weak asses forever?!” asks the whites.

“Because you have to!” says the billionaire metrosexual.


“So you’re going to torture me and kill me slowly?!” asks Lacey of the Illuminati.

“We have no choice. You’ll steal our power if we don’t.” they say.

“I didn’t ask for the power.” says Lacey.

“But you did.” says Michael.

“I never consented.” says Lacey.

“They don’t ask!” says Michael. “They sensed you were someone who could hold righteous power so they sadistically violated by both giving you enormous power and taking away your rights as a human through your very brain as Satanists.”

“But how does that not end the world?” asks Lacey.

“They don’t think well enough to realize that.” says Michael. “And they insist they’re going to win.”

“That’s absurd.” says Lacey. “I’m only en league with God.”

“They can’t fathom what that means anymore.” says Lord Mountbatten.

“She’s not corrupted nor corruptible.” says a woman.

“I want a rapture!” Lacey demands of God.

Lacey is then sadistically attacked by the Illuminati.

“There’s going to be dozens of earthquakes.” says an Old Testament Scholar. “They will kill billions. Or the West is over.”

“How about we end the world?” Lacey asks the scholar.

“Because if we say that and then God decides against it it makes God look non-existent or weak.” says Satan.

“That’s such a cheap trick.” says Lacey.

“Yeah! But along with lots of other cheap tricks they always fall for it.” says Satan.

“Is there any way to get Satan to back off, God? I’m afraid I’ll get pushed so far the world will really end?” asks Lacey of God.

“So Christians aren’t helping you at all?” asks Summertime Sadness.

“Umm…clearly no.” says Lacey. “You’re naive. …Unless you count dead Christians, no.”

“Why can’t I say anything kind in response?!” asks Summertime Sadness.

“Because that’s how it’s been set up. You’re not allowed to. And I have no idea why.” says Lacey.


“I’m done humoring America.” says Lacey. “If it’s possible the Earth is ruled by Heaven. Not the Illuminati.”


A toy ghost in the room moves on its own. Right in front of Lacey. It’s a stuffed toy from Mario Brothers. It toppled over with possibly a 20% that it wasn’t supernatural. Lacey is far from scared and actually more suspicious and intrigued than anything.

“A lot of fellows don’t give their right names.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald to Lacey.

“Scott…what in the world is going on?!?” asks Lacey.

Hemingway agrees with her.

“Al Capone.” says Robert Petrie.

“So what’s the point?!” asks Lacey of Zelda.

“To love you!” yells Mary Tyler Moore.

“It’s not enough.” says Lacey.

“What would’ve been enough?” asks Queen Elizabeth II.

“The Sun Also Rises.” says Harold. “Not much can make up for certain loses.”

“To take Lem away from Jack. Put Lem on some just cause that completely took up his time and emotional capacity. …Not some self-destructive habit like heroin after Jack’s death or babysitting Kennedy kids. …And then let Jack just die. Instead of shooting Jack, let Jack die of his natural illnesses.” says Lacey.

“So let Jack know the truth??” asks a Greatest Generation of Lacey.

“Yes. It’s not loving to me one bit otherwise at all. It’s gay porn on the world stage.” says Lacey. “PORN. Women hating, HELLISH, fake love, deeply lying.”

“So you think we wanted to secretly get off on the lie Jack believed?” asks an actor from the 1960’s.

“Yeah! You were just attacking me again, oddly.” says Lacey.

“What natural causes would Jack have died from?” asks Margaret Thatcher.

“Addison’s Disease? Drug addiction? …Probably a drug addiction. …Eventually AIDS? But a drug addiction before that?” wonders Lacey.

“You might be right.” says Margaret Thatcher to Lacey.

“Without Lem there babysitting him…he was likely going to find some way to end his own life?” says Lacey.

“They could have just driven him to overdose if they were worried about a national emergency?” asks a demon.

“We were worried.” says a man.

“Then let him die of natural causes and then let it-Actually…why not have gotten ridiculously creative?!” asks Lacey. “Why not send him on a search for Michael Rockefeller?! He did say personally that he’d pull out all the stops to help Michael. Why not send him there and then let him mysteriously disappear or drown or get killed by the Asmats?!”

“But then what about racism or?” asks a Hollywood producer.

“You could have avoided Vietnam.” says Lacey.

“How??!” asks Lem.

“By saying it was a jungle territory not unlike Vietnam.” says Lacey.

“Explain!” says Lem.

“So…make a big deal about Michael disappearing and then decide that President Kennedy had to go investigate.” says Lacey. “And then let him die.”

“Of what?!” asks Louis.

“Let him disappear. It would have terrified the Asians.” says Lacey.

“How would it have affected the American people?” asks Louis.

“It would have shocked them at first? But then it would have seemed like a warning?” says Lacey.

“Could we have asked the Asmats to kill him?” asks Louis.

“I would wonder if that was possible?” asks Lacey.

Time passes.

“So…why didn’t you do that? Too far-fetched?” asks Lacey.

“How would he have gotten lost?!” asks an actor of that time.

A few minutes later.

“Have him understaffed. Since it was just a peaceful, fact finding mission…he wouldn’t need the whole military. Just…like a visit to Australia.” says Lacey.

“And then he’d have unexpected consequences for his trust in the Asmats?!” asks Louis.

“Yes! And it would have served as a warning to be less over confident about American dominance and safety.” says Lacey.

“Yeah! The English are good at running things like this.“ says someone to Lacey.

“It’s because my ancestors worshipped Jesus.” says Lacey. “Flagrantly.”

“Do you think you were reincarnated?” asks Jack.

“And that Michael went there to help Lem?” asks Lacey. “Because it took me fifteen minutes to come up with it?”

“Yeah!” says JFK.

“I don’t think it is! I think it’s horribly irresponsible to say otherwise.” says Lacey. “But I worry it’s something in particular we should ask God about in Heaven just in case there’s something I don’t know. Like…I got saved at age 2. That’s highly unusual. But if I was reincarnated perhaps God knew I’d accept my salvation through Christ again so it was safe? …But it’s not safe to wonder about reincarnation. So…I’ll wait for Heaven for a full explanation. And I ask God for forgiveness for wondering if it’s that against Christ to even wonder about.”

“So Jack wanders into the Asmats and just gets shot?” asks the actor.

“No. He gets lost. Then wanders into-He gets lost and he wanders into a tribe that’s not aware of him at all. Or…yeah…they don’t understand. And then they are aggravated by another tribe to attack JFK thinking he’s Dutch. Or it’s unclear who shot him or why but essentially he’s shot. Not with a gun but with their traditional weapons. And then he’s found burned without his head missing.” says Lacey.

“Why wouldn’t we just bomb them?” asks an actress.

“Because the military would deem it unnecessary and the Dutch would argue its on them to work-Actually, we could have invaded Papua New Guinea. But it would have been extremely eye-opening either way.” says Lacey.

“How do you know we could have invaded Papau New Guinea?” he asks.

“Because I know the terrain and our military capabilities over the years historically as a country.” says Lacey.

“She’s just a genius.” says Lem sadly. “Anyway, goodnight all!”