Golden Light by STRFKR plays.
“What do you think Lacey loves?” asks Lem.
“Make a list, Casi and Chris.” says the CIA.
1. Boxers.
2. Milk chocolate.
3. Toothpaste.
4. Louis Vuitton, handbags monogram.
5. Going out and eating at expensive pretentious restaurants.
6. Purified water.
7. Gap jeans.
8. Loro Piana.
9. French toast.
10. Chanel ballet flats.
Love & Hate by Michael Kiwanuka plays.
“Louis Vuitton monogram handbags are the only one you got correct.” says Lacey.
“Not even Chanel ballet flats?” says Casi.
“No!!” says Lacey.
“Oh!” says a perfume hater. “Let me make a list.”
1. Yogurt.
2. Bananas.
3. The outdoors.
4. Hiking.
5. SpaghettiOs.
6. Sprite.
7. Watermelon.
8. Fried chicken.
9. Macaroni and cheese?!
10. Tomato soup.
“You did a lot better this time!” says Lem. “You’re from Alabama?”
“Yes, sir!” she says laughing.
“Bananas, yogurt and sprite are the only things I don’t love on that list.” says Lacey.
“Let me try again!!” says the Alabama perfume hater.
1. Cajun.
2. Gravy!
3. Potatoes.
4. Lemonade.
5. Cherry lemonade.
6. Expensive gin.
7. Fried green tomatoes.
8. Okra.
9. Pecan pie.
10. Pistachio ice cream.
“Wow!! You’re genuinely good at this.” says Lem’s dad.
“The only thing I don’t love is pecan pie.” says Lacey.
The perfume hater in Alabama looks nonplussed. She cocks one eyebrow in despair.
“Make another list!” says Lem.
1. Peach ice cream.
2. Lilacs.
3. Alligator accessories.
4. Old film stars who are male.
5. Chanel tweed.
6. Vogue magazine.
7. Laura Ashley. The fabric not just the clothes.
8. Looking fine.
9.
“Are you running out of ideas.” says Lacey.
“Yes!” says Lem to most of the list.
“Okay! Let me try again!” says Casi.
1. Tata Harper.
2. People magazine.
3. Tatler.
4. Silk scarves.
5. Washington D. C.
6. Fruit pies.
7. Water boarding people.
8. Jesus.
9. History.
10. La Perla.
“Jesus isn’t a thing, He’s God. Tata Harper somewhat… History always. Fruit pies.” says Lem.
“You just copied me. You don’t actually know me or how to be me.” says Lacey. “And if you did you’d have come close to murdering me by now.”
“People used to locks kids in basements. You strike me as those people under the wrong influence. I hope I’m wrong.” says a dead victim.
“Maybe Lacey locks kids in basements?!?” says an angry pleb, with hope.
“No. She’s not like that.” says Louis.
“Right on, brother!!” yells Mr. Blue to the violently angry pleb.
“But they just said that she’s not like that!” says the pleb.
“She’s not. But…I love your rage. It’s so correct. And…hey…I bet she does!” he says.
“No. She doesn’t.” says Lem.
“You’re evil!” says Mr. Blue.
“No. I think you are.” says Lem.
Let’s make another list.
“1. Philadelphia.
2. Rivers.
3. Pic nics.
4. Your own ass!
5. Fishing.
6. Guns.
7. Swords.
8. Down comforters.
9. Monet.
10. Coty Muguet
“Sort of. Not quite.” says Lem.
“So she doesn’t know what she likes?!” asks a man.
“Noo! That list is too complicated to answer quickly.” says Lem.
“Let me try!” says a black female perfume hater. “1. Fur coats
2. Victory curls
3. Demons
4. Sweet green salads
5. Oprah’s magazine
6. Janette Oke novels
7. My new Mercedes
8. Audi
8. Rolls Royce
9. Monet?
10. Oranges?”
“Wow, you’re a conceited, hateful bitch!” says Lem.
“Fur coats, victory curls, Rolls Royce, oranges, Audi, Monet, salads…and that’s it.” says Lacey.
“That’s so predictable.” says Lem. “Casi. Or no, Nancy try to do better.”
“1. Blue topaz
2. Emeralds
3. Lemon curd
4. Strawberry…stuff…like at Wimbledon
5. Tennis
6. Scully & Scully
7. My life
8. Air purifiers
9. Tweed in general
10. Guerlain
“Not 7.. I don’t really know you. Otherwise yes.” says Lem.
“Don’t you have like thousands of dollars with of scarves?” asks a perfume hater.
“Yes. But no, I don’t like them all that much.” says Lacey.
“And you’re not reptilian or pedophilic?” says a peasant hater in despair.
“No, I’m not reptilian or pedophilic.” says Lacey.
“Let me try!” says Lacey’s first cousin.
Lacey sighs, getting bored.
“1. Hotdish
2. Skin care
3. Dickens
4. Art
5. Men
6. Fine China
7. Victory curls
8. Lemongrass
9. Sterling silver
10. Detoxing
“That’s all correct!” says Lem.
“What’s your favorite car?” asks the black woman.
“I don’t have one.” says Lacey.
“Let me try!!” says Lord Snotgrass. “1. Coffee
2. Liquor
3. Sex
4. Lemon water
5. Seafood
6. Spinach
7. Kale
8. Perfume
9. Water
10. Toast!
“All correct.” says Lem.
“Let’s try again.” says Casi. “1. England!
2. St. Paul
3. New York City?
4. Fruit popsicles
5. Mercedes
6. Chanel
7. Victory curls
8. Water
9. Wood paneling
10. Brushstrokes.”
“Wood paneling is complicated. So are Mercedes. Brushstrokes irritate her. …Otherwise yes.” says Lem.
“Let me try!!” says Al Franken. “1. Fruit popsicles
2. Art History
3. SNL
4. The New York Times
5. Creamsicles
6. Days of Our Lives
7. Gold
8. Rolex
9. Varnished wood
10. Rosewood.”
“Varnished wood, The New York Times, Creamsicles, and art history.” says Lem.
“You don’t like rosewood?!” asks Al Franken.
“No!” says Lacey, pleasantly.
“Let me try!” says Mr. Blue. “1. Brooks Brothers
2. Grape gum
3. Purses
4. Pearls
5. Fancy stuff
6. Lemons
7. Lemon trees
8. Fruit trees
9. Apple trees
10. Grape vines?”
“Fruit trees!! Yes!!” says Lem excitedly.
“Grape vines? No. Yes to Brooks Brothers.” says Lacey.
“What does he mean by fancy things?!?” asks Zelda.
“Let me!!!
1. Pit stains
2. Ketchup
3. Toothbrushes
4. Snowboarding
5. Snowshoeing
6. Cross country skiing
7. Water sports
8. Iced tea
9. Iced drinks
10. Curtains!” he says.
“Great! In some way…yes to all except snowboarding.” says Lem.
The man laughs.
“I snowboard but not much.” says Lem.
“Alright.
1. Jews
2. German cars
3. Lemon
4. Coach
5. Louboutin lipstick
6. Expensive glasses
7. Ray Ban
8. Pellegrino
9. Sterling silver
10. Hiking.” he says.
“That’s an obnoxiously insulting list. …Pellegrino, sterling silver, hiking, lemon, and if you mean expensive glassware then yes.” says Lacey.
“Why don’t you love Coach?!” asks Jan.
“Why the Hell do you want me to love Coach you pretend-rich prick?!” says Lacey.
“You don’t love Coach!” he says.
“No. I don’t!” says Lacey. “Why do you want me to love Coach?”
He thinks.
“You really hate Coach or what?!” asks Mr. Blue.
“Yes and no?” asks Lacey.
“You just really like Louis Vuitton!” says another German.
“I do!!” says Lacey.
“What about Hermes?” asks Nancy.
“Somewhat. It’s…annoying. But…still somewhat yes.” says Lacey.
“Could you buy a brand new Hermès Birkin right now?” asks an actress.
Lacey thinks. “Yes, I could.” says Lacey.
“I could have when you met me too.” says Lem to Mr. Blue. “You’ve stolen millions of dollars from her Mr. Blue! You’re a nothing but a thief. YOU have done nothing for her other than destroy her life, torture her sadistically, try to kill her and her family, destroy the world and possibly send people to Hell.” says Lem.
“Well, I’m sorry, Lem.” says Mrs. Blue.
“You don’t mean that!” yells Casi.
“What?!” asks Lem.
“Karrie…a Birkin costs $20,000.00.” says Lacey condescendingly.
“Yeah she could afford that Casi, she could she could afford that. She could she could she could afford it. Do you want to know if she’d have all the money right away or if she’d have to sell something or wait? No she doesn’t have $20,000 right off the top but within six months I should be able to just pay for the entire thing without charging any of it. She chooses not to buy stuff like that.” says Lem.
“I don’t understand. I mean my neighbors are probably spending over $100,000 on their house doing stuff to their house. I’ve spent like upwards of $50,000 on mine. Sorry? And yet we haven’t really done as much as I had hoped because the Illuminati stole about $40,000 of that from me to just shit their pants and feel superior.” says Lacey.
“How do they do it? Is that when you’re asking her?” says Lem.
“You like Coach that’s like vintage pure leather, no markings on it. Everything else is just shitty wasn’t it?” says Franni Franken.
“Yes!! No, I actually have an old Coach bag from the 60s that’s like that. I don’t really like anything else. It’s just no-it’s just weird. I don’t like how it looks. I know it was very popular for a while when I was in high school but no I don’t think I’ve liked contemporary Coach almost at all since I was in high school.“ says Lacey.
“How did the Illuminati steal your money? I don’t believe it but I’ll try to listen and pretend like I give a fuck.” says Casi.
“If I tell you, it’s gonna make you feel insecure, so prepare yourself to feel like shit.” says Lacey.
“Mr. Blue found a real aristocrat. He likes to pretend to be one, but he’s not one at all. He’s a new money, somewhat rich celebrity, and from that place, he decided to berate and attempt to destroy Lacey by systematically, insisting that he was her ultimate superior, and still probably will insist that. And it’s incredibly perverse for everyone alive, given who he is in the Illuminati. And that doesn’t mean that he’s a powerful, but we can’t get rid of him very easily.” says George Soros.
“Basically, that’s what she said Casi. They somehow seemingly led us to believe that using Citristrip would be safe knowing that on wood in her house it wasn’t.
Her wood trim dates back to 1914. And it hasn’t been refinished since the house was built, but hadn’t been rather. So the chemical properties and that wood itself, it’s old hardwood combined with the low circulation of the air because this was in January and the temperature of the house because this was in January and the temperature outside because this was in January…created a living situation that was totally untenable. She literally couldn’t be there without getting sick for about six months. So for six months they literally were out of town spending about $30,000 on traveling and then they took a trip to Canada that they had planned to take. And then combined with refinishing all of the wood, trim in the kitchen adjoining and adjoining rooms up to the stairs. All she has left now is enough to put on a new countertops and that’s it.” says Lem.
“There was no one they could stay with at all?!” says Casi, aghast.
“No, no her father-in-law has a lake house but you can’t ask him for favors or he chews you out. He’s a very wealthy man, but he’s never had a lot of sympathy for his son. He doesn’t like to have to admit that he’s wrong, and that his son might know more than him and Mark can’t be beholden to him in anyway or he’ll bully him. …He’s kind enough. He sees them a few times every year when he comes to visit them. He’s never once asked them to visit him because his wife was an absolute bitch from the trailer trash farm of the century. I can’t stand that whore! She hates Lacey for being more beautiful than her and better bred and more intelligent.
The other option was to ask Lacey’s father for help but Lacey’s legal husband did not want to do that. They also could’ve asked Lacey’s mother for help but again her legal husband did not want to do that. Truth is they’ve helped a lot and Mark doesn’t want to be beholden to them anymore either.
there’s I mean she could contact cousins, but there’s kind of an unspoken code and her family that you’re not supposed to ever ask for help unless if it’s extraordinarily serious.” says Lem.
“So she spent they spent $30,000 over six months traveling in the United States and Canada?!?” asks Suzanne.
“Yes, do you want to ask for details?” says Lem.
“OK I’m confused because to me that just seems like trailer trash…but then beyond that why don’t they just like sell the mineral rights or why can’t they just like buy their own oil refinery if it’s really trillions of dollars. I don’t get it?” says Suzanne.
“We don’t wanna be bothered! We have lives! And some of us have very important jobs. One of my cousins is working on pharmaceutical research at the University of Washington that is saving millions of peoples lives. And improving their lives. Lacey‘s son uses a medication for seizures that saves his life…that she literally helped create. …So…that’s what we ‘do for a living’ you dumb bitch! …So we don’t have fucking time to do our own fucking oil drilling. We hire some people to do it for us and we make a couple million every year and that’s good enough for us. They want to oil and we get a little extra change. No skin off our back. Do you get it?” says Mark Nesheim. “I’m sorry I just swore, but it really gets on my nerves that people are so presumptuous.”
“Aren’t you beholden then to the oil companies or not?” asks a reader.
“Well yes, yes in a sense but it doesn’t really interfere with anything that we do. None of us are in public office. If we were, that would be troubling, but none of us have a publicly elected position. The Electoral College vote works in such a way that there are many people with that sort of a background, and no, we would always vote what was most appropriate.” says Mark Nesheim.
“OK so basically buying an oil refinery and then doing it yourself it’s just stupid because it’s just kind of a do it yourself type thing and for you guys that’s just not worth it. It’s like your worth $6 billion now theoretically and you could be worth $6 trillion but like why bother because to you, the extra money isn’t even worth the time?” asks a reader.
“Yes, it’s not worth the time running an oil company is extraordinarily difficult and no frankly for us it’s a convenience fee and they know that…and it pisses them off…but hopefully they decide not to be stupid about it.” says Mark Nesheim.
“OK I’m sorry I understand how intelligent she actually is. She understands the price of that oil in a way that is probably very complex economically but it’s all her oil. It’s all your family’s oil because it’s on your land so you own trillions of dollars worth of oil that’s in the ground being drilled right now and the oil companies are actually your tenants and you could kick them off your property whenever you want. Is that correct?” asks Suzanne.
“Why don’t I just kidnap her children and murder them or like torture them?! Ahh…that’ll work? Or no? I mean…it’s hardcore. And…we’re just gonna go over the jugular!” says Wobbly’s son.
“I’ll take Matisse in very small doses from now on. It actually is rather abrasive. So good enough.” says Lacey.
“If someone wants to protest oil usage rip Matisse apart or smash them in. Burn them. Throw tomato soup at it? I don’t give a fuck.” says Henri Matisse.
“See that’s why I love Matisse!” says Wobbly.
“Yes!” says Mark Nesheim to Suzanne.
“So they’re insane.” says Suzanne.
“No, you’re not really thinking that thought because we both love being evil.” says Wobbly.
“Why do you guys want her kids to be tortured and molested? Why is that exciting for you Wobbly and your kids?” asks a Vanderbilt.
“Do you know I just think they’re pieces of shit and I just think anybody who would start the trouble she started just you know it’s like I don’t-I just think that’s the right thing to do you know because there’s kids getting tortured and I don’t wanna hear this bullshit that they’re her kids even if they are for eternity because right now they’re not even if they are and I would like to see her kids get you know molested and tortured and killed because they’re Lem’s.
I am in love with Lem and therefore I get to torture anyone who he loves because really it’s psychotic psychosis if he loves someone else. No…that’s insane if they’re not me or my kids so if it’s not me or my kids, then they should go to Hell literally. I don’t care if it’s God himself because really I mean he should love me more than anything at all. I mean I don’t even care if he’s not attracted to me, I can make him.
I have a dream…and I’m the hottest man ever to live and sell him.
Then we should kidnap his kids and torture them to make him love me. Yeah…actually that’s not right I know he loves me which is why we should torture his kids…because that’s what I say and I’m not an evil stepfather like in Cinderella or a story from some German novel. I am more like a princess from heaven and I’m just doing my biddings.” says Wobbly.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” asks a reader of Wobbly.
“I’m not rich anymore.” says Wobbly.
“Umm…do the kidnappings have anything to do with Saoirse?” asks Maeve.
“Yeahbecause if Lacey understood what Saoirse went through almost being kidnapped, she would never think that it was us that made her wanna kill herself. We had nothing to do with it. It was really all just stuff that she lived through. They had nothing to do with us like being kidnapped was on them. So I want Lacey’s kids to actually be kidnapped, almost strangled to death, and then see if they can grow-up after dying, and want it and want to live.” says Wobbly.
“So you could argue that Lacey was kidnapped in a way. I mean she wasn’t, but if she’s illegitimate and her father arranged it, I doubt that he knew who her parents really were so in a sense Lacey was kidnapped. Her whole life has been that and that’s insane. Saoirse wasn’t actually kidnapped you’re advocating for her children to actually be kidnapped. Do you understand the difference or no?” asks Suzanne.
“No.” says Wobbly.
“Huh?!” says Suzanne.
“I mean Saoirse’s life ended when she was almost kidnapped.” says Wobbly. “She might as well have been kidnapped.”
“And molested and killed?” asks Jacob Wetterling.
Wobbly shrugs.
“I had a life.” says Jacob.
“But you’d have killed yourself!” says Ethel.
“No!! I wanted to live!!” says Jacob.
“You’re not Jacob.” says Ethel.
“Yes! I am.” he says, sighing.
“Lacey molested Saoirse!” says Ethel.
“No! She didn’t!” says Saoirse.
“No. I didn’t.” says Lacey. “I never did anything sexual to her. She may have been forced to try to sexually attack me with her uncle.” says Lacey.
“You heard her?!?” asks Suzanne.
“I might have. A woman seemingly pretending to be his daughter pretended to be having sex with him to terrify and harass me. I worry it was her.” says Lacey.
A man laughs. He looks horrified. Then he laughs again.
“Wobbly…did you molest someone?” asks a Bush.
“You can ask if he molested me.” says Maeve.
“Did he?” asks Lacey.
“He was beyond the line of inappropriate…but not overtly so.” she says. “I wouldn’t call him a child molester but he’s weird.”
Silence.
“So who did Lacey hear?!?” asks Suzanne.
“My wife.” says Wobbly crying.
“Pretending to be your daughter?!?” asks a Bush.
“Yes!” says a psychic.
“That’s awful!” says Suzanne.
“Yeah. The idea was to torture me into insanity or suicide.” says Lacey.
“They get an ego trip.” she says.
“So basically, you guys are just like the retards of the world right now.” a Russian says to the U.S. aside from their own innocent victims.
“Were you trying to get at Lacey or me or who?” asks Lem.
“You.” someone says.
Later.
Keen to Cross the Pond 