Zelda

“We’ve misunderstood love in the United States.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“Lacey would be devastated to lose Lem.” says Sidney. “My father was…dependent on him. Like a patient. And he’s a needy man. My father is a needy man. …He loved Lem. He used Lem. But he wasn’t…at all right.”

Jack Kennedy gets into the front passenger seat of a car. His dead daughter is at the wheel. It’s rainy. It’s California. The front driveway of house next to the ocean. Some posh neighborhood.

“Dad let’s go to the grocery store.” she says.

“Sure!” he says cheerfully.

They’re reasonably close. She’s far closer to Jackie.

“Sometimes I hate my dad. Sometimes he just isn’t trustworthy. But…he’s good company. And I try to tolerate him at times because he’s my dad.” she says.

“Was Lem you father’s everything?” asks William F. Buckley.

“Oh wow! Absolutely not!” she says. …”He’s a jerk. My dad is. …He really sucked Lem dry. He used and abused him, that is. He tortured Lem and like a total idiot Lem thought he loved Jack, my father. But…nah! My dad loved Lem…but he never cared for him. Not like that! That’s…not my father.”

“So your father thought he-So your father was in love with Lem?” asks a liberal journalist.

“My father was a loser!” she laughs. “My father was in love with Lem but didn’t know it, consciously. What kind of lover doesn’t realize that? That’s…ridiculous. But that’s the kind of ignorant slut my father was. Okay? He was a phony…cheap…horny toad. …But he loved my mom. And he loved Lem. And he loved Inga. And maybe he loved a few other people. But he wasn’t faithful! And they all were treated like morons.

He loved Lem. Okay? But it wasn’t a great love. Is that the way to put it? A great love? Lem…wasn’t his lover. I mean you could say they were lovers but…they weren’t. And it wasn’t because nothing sexual happened between them and they were just friends. No!!!! …Jack had a shallow love for Lem. My father’s love was…not deep abiding romantic love. For Lem. …Honestly?!? He felt that for my mom! ….My mom wasn’t his ideal. But he loved her. …But no, he treated Lem like a servant. And I’m sure he could feel proprietary about Lem but that’s sick.

Those two men don’t belong together. They have no right to each other. …Lem doesn’t understand my father really. And Jack, my father…barely knew Lem…beyond studying ways to use him, abuse him, confuse him and to attempt to sexually pervert him. My father wasn’t a trustworthy man.

So…what do you want to read? That they’re magically in love?” She laughs. “They’re so far from being together. They were never really together. That’s wholly and entirely in people’s imaginations.

Actually…it’s sad. They shouldn’t even have been friends. Some of their photos together make me sick! They were-Jack is evil. And Lem is…”. She shakes her head. “Lem was…living a lie.”

“What was the lie?” asks Jen.

“That he had a clue what was going on.” she says.

“So you think Lem was pretending to be gay and didn’t have a clue what was going on?” asks Jen.

“You guys…Lem was gay in your heads. Not in reality possibly at all.” she says.

“But he seems gay!” says a black man.

“This is sick!” says Kim Kardashian.

“You’re sick!!” Sidney yells. “He seemed gay. He acted gay. How are you all too stupid to even vaguely comprehend that concept?! What is wrong with your brains?!”

“Because that’s normal!” says the black man.

“Okay? So what?!” yells Sidney politely.

“So it’s just not normal.” says the black man.

“Yeah. I heard you!” says Sidney. “My dad wasn’t typical. My whole family is unusual. I’m a ghost!!!” She scoffs. “Sometimes weird stuff happens!”

“True!” says Mayor Pete.

“Yeah!! Sometimes weird stuff happens. Okay?! It’s…normal. Try getting a clue. …It’s an honest observation you’re all making. Lem wasn’t your typical person!! …But…that’s just it. He was…not normal. Quit being so middle-class, you lemmings.” she says laughing.

The Illuminati struggles.

“I’m losing my temper. …So! Do I sound like Lacey?!” she asks.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“That’s because they did that to her mind!” she says. “Try getting a clue!” She scoffs. “I’m not Lacey. She was confused too. Just like Lem.”

“So Lacey thinks she’s a different person too?!?” asks a rockstar’s daughter.

“Probably. This isn’t funny guys.” She looks serious. “Lem really was that confused. Poor man. He tried to be gay. …But poor Lacey…she barely knows herself. She knows who she is. But…only the essentials. Like…her character and orientation and parts of her personality.” Sidney looks angry. “Try harder to be funny and you’ll fall off a cliff. There’s nothing backing you up. You didn’t and don’t know her. …Look…she’s…been psychologically contaminated like Lem. Wake up.” She thinks. “And it’s not that her love doesn’t mean anything. It’s that she’s…confused in her own tragic way.”

“Like…she’s confused about her personality?” asks Sarah Jessica Parker.

“YES!!” says Sidney. “At least parts of it. She’s not who you want her to be. Sweetums…it’s scary. ….I’m a ghost!”

“Okay! I like Sidney!” says a Schitts Creek actress.

“If there’s reincarnation did Satan send down Lem’s wife?! Instead of Sidney?” asks Liza.

“Sidney seems happy in Heaven though!” says Lacey.

“Lacey, did you raise her??” asks the Schitts Creek actress.

“If I’m reincarnated, possibly.” says Lacey. “But that’s a dangerous assumption. Be careful. There’s a reason I hesitated to analyze that.”

“Lacey wasn’t loved.” explains Thomas Banks.

“Sidney is different than Lacey.” says Lem.

“Does Sidney have an edge?” asks the British.

“Yes! But…you might be on to something.” says Lem.

And the Illuminati that is trying to torture Lacey to death suddenly realizes that they’re getting bored. They don’t want to have to care. But in order to understand her to kill her they have to care deeply. And they’re struggling. It’s getting too complicated.

Dull looks of forlorn sadness and anger fill their faces.

“Why are we doing this?!” asks Kim Kardashian.

“It’s our responsibility as members of the Illuminati!” they collectively decide.

“So you have no love for her at all?” asks a singer.

“England does.” says Mr. Blue. “Putin might.”

“Seriously?!?” asks the singer.

“What?!” asks Padma.

“You’re scaring me.” says the actress. “Don’t cut me off!!”

“Go on!” says a psychic.

“You guys…she’s being passed off by everyone because everyone assumes someone else will care about her a lot. That’s weird!!” says that singer.

(You’re The) Devil in Disguise by Elvis Presley plays.

“She’s not evil in the way you want her to be.” says the singer.

“How is that weird?” asks Mr. Blue.

“Because…people do that. In nursing homes. And orphanages. But you’re reading her thoughts…to a psychotic degree. You’re all obviously obsessed with her. Do you all lack self-awareness to that degree?! How embarrassing!!! …Eww! …Okay. But why?! Why are you all obsessed??! That’s a spiritually significant event. And if you use your thinking caps…maybe you’ll realize that your common, middle class experiences and explanations don’t work to explain her. She’s not the antichrist. She’s not a lesbian. She’s not a pedophile. She’s not a pervert. She’s not a bunny boiler. She’s not a slut. She’s not a liar. She’s not JFK reincarnated.” The singer thinks. “You’re experiencing the same befuddlement most people experience with her…but…you all expect her to be beneath you. And you demand that your silly, weird as hell explanations in her case still work. And they don’t work. They simply don’t apply. But being the lazy, egocentric, corrupt, entitled assholes you all mostly are…you are too weak to handle it. It feels like an assault. You all feel personally assaulted because you don’t know how to psychologically react. Not living in the real world with the rest of us…you don’t have a clue. …See…our lives are like this daily.

You’re all too spoiled to get it.

At the same time…you’re obviously obsessed. So…maybe that’s reason for caution. I mean come on!!! …How many times do you have to be told that by attacking her you started World War III before you get it?” asks the singer. “You guys are bleeding. No!! Hemorrhaging power.”

Mr. Blue dances. Midnight City by M83 plays.

He loves to shake his ass.

It’s hilarious.

It’s embarrassing.

“He goes too far, with it.” explains Prince.

The song ends.

Oh Devil by Electric Guest plays.

“You’re turning yourselves into nothing but schizophrenic voices.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“That’s mean!” says an actress, hurt.

“I’m not trying to destroy you. Unless you deserve it. Do you need to be smashed like an evil cockroach?” Lacey asks.

Stupidly, the actress ignores her. “No! Her theology way off!” she whines ignorantly.

“See. She fell for that! There’s proof we’re superior. She’s just got an attitude problem.” says a psychic.

“Fell for what?!?” asks a car salesman.

“She’s a stupid child! On steroids!” says Al Franken in egotistical defense of his somewhat icky looking wife.

“Oh! Your feelings matter?! What about mine?!” asks a child being held hostage.

“My feelings matter more!!” yells Ché.

“Because Satan loves us.” the Illuminati says dancing.

“What proof do you have of that?!” asks Lacey.

“The code.” says Rick Steves.

“What code?!” asks Lacey.

“How is that different than the Bible?” asks Rick Steves.

“That’s a stupid question.” says Lacey.

“Fine!” he says.

“So is Lacey like a rainforest?” asks an environmentalist.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

Loving You by Cannons plays as adult Illuminati bare legs of all genders and penises fly through the air. It looks gross, laughable and idiotic. What the fuck is that imagery even supposed to mean? Mass extinction of humanity to good music?

“Yeah. Legs and penises are a weird combo.” says a woman.

“But that’s what you combine nowadays.” says Lacey. “And you think that’s a good thing?”

“Huh. Yeah. And if you think about it…maybe me thinking I was gay…was the end of America.” says Lem. “I wasn’t attracted to men.”

“We aren’t dependent on you or Lacey!!” yells Mr. Blue.

“Even if he’s a Mayflower descendant?” asks a Christian southerner.

“Even if her ancestors came over in the 1700’s and fought in the Revolutionary War?!” asks another southerner.

“To me…objectively speaking…you’re all peasants.” says yet another American southerner. “Rich, ignorant as hell…peasants.”

“Yeah! You guys aren’t the real Illuminati. You’re yuppies. Especially you Franni!” says another southerner.

“Yeah, it’s obvious Al Franken was sent to finish off Lacey. But he failed. Or was he? …See…you all confuse me too. Why in the world…does any man think Lacey would kill herself over a telepathic relationship?!” says a southern woman. “Could a child hostage be that hurt? Yes!! But…Lacey wasn’t a hostage in that way. I don’t think you understand how much more elite she is psychologically than most of you.”

“They go too far!” says Casi. “But if they don’t they’ll lose Lem.”

“Did they ever have Lem?” asks a woman from Wisconsin.

“No.” says Casi.

“Why did they sacrifice Michael? He was their last hope.” says Lem.

“Yeah. Jack labeled Lem as Michael. And Lem labeled himself as ‘Mushroom Sauce For Christmas Morning.’” says a gay man. “Or Jack labeled Lem, ‘Michael…but GAYER!’”

“He’s not a mushroom sauce.” says Rick Steves.

“To be put on mashed potatoes!” says Lem.

“That’s what you all thought you were?” asks the singer.

“Yeah. We’re all thinking that.” says an actor.

“You’re all losing your minds.” says the singer. “Try to empathize with Lem being so lost.”

They mostly can’t.

“They would’ve had some chance to do that. But because I decided that I wanted to be rich and famous I pulled the plug on her existence. I decided to make her a useless nothing. So when someone comes close to empathizing with her or Lem their thoughts implode, and they no longer can function because I don’t want anyone to give a damn about her. Yeah, isn’t that clever?” says Mr. Blue.

“She’s making that up! We’re all angels in disguise, and Satan would protect us anyway, if we decided to make her existence end. He’s go, ‘Yeah, kids let’s rock it Saturday morning but do whatever you want guys!’” says the Illuminati.

I Need A Dollar by Aloe Blacc plays.

“Because they’re basically homeless people with drug addictions with expensive jobs. So as the following song plays maybe if they went around shooting homeless people and children in the head with guns, they be less evil. …If you’re homeless prepare your children. Please prepare them because they’ll come for you tonight. Their evil is meaningless, but they don’t know that…so if you have a gun, go ahead and shoot them if their heads. Go ahead and shoot, but don’t make assumptions. Still if you’re in an alley and they point a gun at your head say, ‘Thanks, see you later!’ or if you’re an alley and you have a gun and they were going to shoot you first…you shoot first!” says a dead M6 agent.

“You’re trying to take away her anger at you because she scares you shitless and you’re afraid you’re going to Hell and that you don’t even have a brain. And that’s all that’s going on this morning.” says a dead Christian. “Sydney is like Lacey but not as much as you want her to be and honestly you guys don’t like who she actually is and that’s sad.”

“OK and Lem was supposed to help us understand her but we’ve made Lem gay or even bisexual or pansexual for certain but in reality he might’ve actually just been straight?” asks the Schitts Creek actress.

“Why is so much dependent in all of your minds on Lem being gay or even bisexual or pansexual? Why do you all need that!?

Because I don’t think most of you- I’ve been reading this blog for a while and honestly it’s fascinating observing the Illuminati- I haven’t yet gained almost any insight into her, because you people don’t even analyze her at all. No, you just attack her. Yeah, that’s all that you pretty much do is just attack her constantly in stupid ways.

And that’s part of how I know she’s not schizophrenic, because none of you have any insight into her. You’re all just sadistically trying to find clever ways to attack her everyday that you didn’t think of before, and then you outsmart yourselves into thinking that it’s different and that it means something…but really you’re all just perverted, probably chemically dependent, uneducated. I mean…even if-I don’t care where you went to school! No! You seem uneducated, and you don’t seem aware of the world around you. You seem like you live in a little bubble created by your egos. And anyway it’s irritating as a reader to read her blog because it isn’t about her at all and never has been and people that think that it is it’s like-OK maybe it was vaguely about her in the past when she used to write about perfume but that’s why people hated it because she was writing about herself and they couldn’t fathom how someone better than them could exist. Because you guys really are that demented and that lacking in understanding of anything other than your little ego.

I am sure my words are gonna sound stupid because that’s what you do when someone intimidates you. You make them sound stupid. It’s so obvious that you make exceptions for certain people like Bill Gates or Vladimir Putin, because their words are rarely ever mumbled or jumbled. And that is obvious proof that you guys exist…and you’re stalking her and clearly we have no privacy in this country at all and haven’t because you can read our thoughts. Like…fuck you for pretending we lost privacy after 9/11!!

We never had it it was always an illusion! If you guys could read our thoughts the only reason why you didn’t before is because you had manners! And now people do it because they’re dimwitted fucking narcissists with nothing better to do?! No, we’re not impressed with you people! Think about that in a real way for a change instead of just trying to back yourselves up into Hell.

See…when you started attacking her seven years ago did you all really alter the universe to do it? Because there is something about doing it the way that you did do it that was so perverse and so wrong that you literally have almost annihilated the Illuminati. You guys are on the brink of extinction because people aren’t taking you seriously anymore and we know all your tricks OK? We’re into the New Age. We’ve figured out how to talk to each other telepathically or we’re trying. And you know we have nothing to do with the Freemasons. No, you guys don’t have secret powers anymore. Or do you?

You’re losing control and it isn’t her fault. It’s your fault, but your inability to see that is why you’re you keep losing more and more control, and then thinking that hurting kids is going to work? Which makes me think that the US started losing control decades ago and it’s terrifying as someone that actually has a mind that still functions…because I know it’s happening in a way that I don’t think most of you do.

I think Lacey has some conception of what I’m talking about but to be honest with you I think she worries about her kids, but I think other than that she’s probably not entirely living in this realm. …You guys…she’s sleeping with ghosts!! …Ahh…that’s not normal. I’m sure there are psychics who have done that but she’s not doing it through the occult and it’s just happening to her. So…that’s not normal OK?! So let’s just let’s just analyze that for a second. Come on! Try! …Remember how before any of you found her when she was in England, a breast was touched by a ghost on her body in a bed at night? And that’s a fact and I am sure that a lot of you’ve tried to make that impossible or discredit her story but you guys: realize how stupid that is! It is so unlikely that someone could make that up the way that it probably-I can see it in my head slightly because I am somewhat psychic.

You guys you don’t understand what happened! That’s not normal!! Wake-up! Because that’s not normal. …I think Mr. Blue started talking to her because of her interest in F. Scott Fitzgerald! I think it made him jealous because he could tell that somehow she actually was connected to him in a way that he wanted to be. I bet you anything he wants to be F. Scott Fitzgerald himself and he can’t figure out how to be.

…The thing is though that’s not her fault. Because she didn’t make the class system. She didn’t invent it and if she did, that’s the conversation you should be having with her instead of accusing her of being a peasant all the time. No…you have everything backwards, and it’s like you guys probably have real feelings that you’re not coping with in productive ways because your narcissism is a harm to both you and other people. It’s so dysfunctional it’s sickening!

Actually though the thing with Lem is romantic and beautiful and sad and I think you need to think about that question. Like…why do people need him to be gay or bisexual or pansexual? I can answer it for you if you’d like me to, and I will because I don’t think any of you will. I have waited for months for you to answer the question.

I’ll tell you why.

It’s because Lacey’s emerald is real and it’s natural and it’s probably worth $7000 and in an Art Deco setting and I bet she bought it for a fraction of that and there are some of you who could do that but not all of you. Actually maybe not even most of you and yet as long as you have in your heads that Lem is gay and in love with Jack and subservient to him like a woman you feel safe. It feels like your mommy and daddy have oil wells too and that if you really tried and thought about it with your super power brains that you could go buy an emerald or ruby yourselves and make a ring worth $7000 from scratch that you too could find a reputable jeweler, get a good emerald, put it in there and then be set. And yet few of you would have the first thought to do something like that. Not without being prodded to. And second of all, could you even figure out how to do that properly to make it look appealing? No, not easily and you’ll lie about that. She has no idea how unusual she is in that way where she can just pick things out of the blue, put them together and it looks amazing. That’s not normal, but she can do that and then if Lem wasn’t gay, what does that mean? It means that they’re different than you and Scott Fitzgerald saw that…but you’re not even him. You’re not even F. Scott Fitzgerald. You’re just peasants with millions, billions of dollars and no sense.

And if some of you have a conscience you think, ‘My word, what am I doing to my country?!’ Good question, very good question. I have a sense Vladimir Putin actually could destroy the entire United States and he’s patronizing us out of guilt and pity not fear for us. I bet we are so fucking close to being annihilated that it’s a joke to the rest of the world to see. That’s why if Lem was straight it was a tragedy for the entire United States that he thought otherwise. It was a tragedy that Jack, you know, wrote on that lie and based his life on it, and then maybe was eventually even shot for that reason. Its a tragedy that the whole Kennedy family was destroyed based on Lem’s misunderstanding. Because that’s how I see it. If Lem was straight his molestation was the destruction of that entire fucking family to this very day. Maeve drowned because Lem was molested! …And then Lacey is his soulmate…and she’s never been loved and she’s in an oil rich family?! Just even saying that makes me paranoid! It terrifies me!

Do you have any idea of the spiritual implications of that?!

And then you took that tiny little thread that we were hanging by in her mind somehow and just ripped it?! Because you thought you knew what you were doing Mr. Blue and the Bat Crew?! You had no idea what you were doing! You have no fucking clue what you were doing ripping her out of silence and then placing her on this like noisy alter? You had no idea what you were doing. And you guys still don’t have a clue, but I feel like maybe this is a helpful conversation…but you still don’t get it.

She is the third rail! She’s sleeping with ghosts guys! Ghosts! Not aliens, most likely, although that’s scary too or demons. No, most likely ghosts, which means that Episcopalians and the Catholics maybe knew something when they thought there was Purgatory. I grew up Baptist and it’s creepy to me because it just theologically makes no sense…but if there is some sort of Purgatory that…that…that is a different realm and we don’t really know. I mean your spirit guides you don’t think they’re lying to you, you’re trusting the Devil? You guys come on! I mean I don’t trust Bill Gates but I have a feeling he’s less confused than some of you. So just try to slow down a little bit at the very least…because I really genuinely think by making her seem like shit you basically drove down the price of the country itself. Oil is up, gold is up, silver is up but this country looks like a worthless piece of shit right now. And if it’s not! So why do you keep telling the world that it is? Do you do you want the whole country to cease to exist? Are you all just fake humans? Do you hate the United States?! Do we need to we need to just start walking around fighting celebrities and start shooting you?! I mean what the fuck?! Like…are you aliens? Like…why don’t you care that you’re destroying this country, by telling everyone that one of our oldest genetic strains, our oldest genetic like premise for existence is just worthless shit?! Because that’s what she is. That’s what her kids are and that’s what her family is on the Seay side and that’s probably what she is regardless of whether or not she’s Tom’s daughter. So was Lem.

But the Kennedys are not that OK?! They they didn’t start the country!!! Lem’s family did! And you guys didn’t start the country! No, her family did! Her family and Lem’s families have been dealing with Native Americans from the start. Their families know the natives you guys don’t! Let that sink it.” says a reader.

“I think we’ve had an epiphany potentially, and we need to be careful not to let go of it. This country, the United States of America, isn’t based on social class, even if that’s impossible for an organized country. I mean it is she knows it’s impossible. We struggle with that concept because it’s in our in our minds and hearts that the US is not based on hierarchies that just automatically exist. And the problem is it doesn’t functionally work, but the Founding Fathers didn’t maybe realize that. So to them I guess it was possible to base a country on personality. I think in the United States your personality is what matters. So like are you likable or not? Are you popular? What’s your personality? …But of course it doesn’t work if you’re someone like Lacey or Lem. OF COURSE they both are good, sensitive, loving, caring, kind people who are incredibly likable to the British. Russia loves them. Basically the rest of the world loves them. They also lack popularity in Israel, which is very heartbreaking to Lacey and maybe to Lem too.

Why we don’t like them? I don’t know, but we just don’t we just vehemently do not like Lacey and Lem. We don’t like them as an entity. If they are one it’s a strong pass for the United States, which is weird because they are probably related to our Founding Fathers or at its their their ancestry somehow. I mean…so it’s kind of weird that like George Washington’s descendants with the last name Washington say they’re not ugly, poor, gay or stupid or evil. We don’t like the people that started our country, we don’t like their kids we don’t like them and if you’re one of those people I can see why she wanted to run away to England since she was 12. Lem is dead, and I guess she married someone who was sort of a Jew, which is kind of funny to some Jews. But I mean that’s where we are, we’re not huge fans…and maybe there are people in Minnesota or maybe Louis himself disagrees. I don’t know. But it’s a little concerning to me, but basically I think we want Lem to be gay or bisexual or pansexual because it makes him more likable to us. See…if he’s gay, he is a total idiot and he maybe had moments of genius but really he was just a total fucking idiot who was basically a hot bimbo and he just sucked Jack’s cock and was hot and was totally subservient to him, and then maybe he had moments of sheer genius but those were probably exceptions and most the time he was just a bumbling fucking idiot, who was pathetic and clingy and needy and desperate, but really genuinely in love Jack. But his main redeeming quality was that his family was old money and they apparently lost it but they were still old money and then the rest of him is just pure sex and occasionally maybe he had some moment of intelligence. Like he smiled at Jack’s wedding, because he was a total fucking idiot who thought that somehow the whole thing was going to work out in his favor. So essentially, we have him at the level of of umm…not like a retarded person, but like dumber than that, but like with with moments of genius and to us, that’s a lovable person. An actually really genuinely cool person who we would love to emulate because we empathize because it’s like, ‘I can be stupid too! But then I also have moments of brilliance…and if I could just be hot like long once in a while, then maybe a Jack will notice me and I can carry my Birkin!’ and and the truth is if that’s not who Lem is then we use what he isn’t-actually what he is in another way for us to feel good about ourselves. We all would like to secretly be James Bond! We’d all like to secretly be that guy. But if Lem wasn’t gay then who the hell is this man?! Who the fuck is he?” says a gay actor.

More later.

“I am Lem Billings you are talking to Lem Billings. I don’t care who, or what anyone else says other than God and Lacey. I am Lem Billings. I am a man. The Kennedys will not destroy my entity. They have been trying to, since Jack met me or possibly even before. Michael Rockefeller may have occasionally found men arousing but he seemingly preferred sex with women. Jack seemingly found men arousing as well, and preferred them to women in most circumstances. You do not have a secret joke in the Kennedy family. The joke is on all of you for thinking you’re as competent and intelligent of a person as Lacey Banks. Who is Lacey Banks? Good question, ask her father. Now for the punchline, I’m not taking your advice on what my orientation was and is. I don’t need Caroline or Jack Junior or anyone advising me on what I want to fuck! That’s gross! You’re perverted freaks from fucking Hell!

Quit cutting off my spirit, Caroline! I am trying to tell you things that you probably know are true and you don’t wanna hear. I’m not in love with you. I’m not in love with anyone in your family. I never was. Your mother had the same delusion that you do. And now Bobby’s kids have the same delusion that their mother had. You are very special, unique people historically speaking, but you used me to become that. And if any of you lay another hand on one of my children for a second, you’re gonna wish you’d never been born, unless of Christ himself stands between you and me when you’re dead. And that goes for Lacey and that goes for everyone connected her.

I am totally willing to blame your family for everything that’s wrong with the entire world right now. I can’t stand you people.“

“How is this making you feel Lacey?” asks Taylor Swift.

“I was straight!” says Lem.

Lacey laughs. “Out of respect for you, I’ll let Lem’s answer go for now. It works in a way.” She thinks. “Or does it? I’m extremely confused to the point of laughter.”

More later.

Lacey started talking to men and women in the Illuminati about what looks sexy on a man. It was an accidental conversation but anyway the point is she started going on and on and on but not meaninglessly so…and she ended up talking about Joe Kennedy Junior‘s torso. Yes, that’s right Joe Kennedy Junior’s naked waist, which you’d think would be an incredibly pleasant topic. If you look at his body, he’s tall he’s handsome, he’s thin and so you would think that the torso would be a delight to discuss. But the truth is Joe’s torso is not his strongest feature. His chest in general is not his strongest feature.

“I had an amazing body.” says Lem.

“Well, I thought Joe would have one too.” says Lacey kindly.

“It looks like he would. I don’t look like Lem at least I didn’t but I looked good shirtless too, so does Louis so does Harold Loeb.” says Michael Rockefeller,

“I know he’s tall and with his clothes on it’s it looks like underneath it would just be wondrous.” says Lacey.

Harold Loeb laughs.

“I will never forget the day or the moment when I looked at you shirtless for the first time and I was shocked. It was a low moment in my life. It’s just-it really genuinely shocked me.“ says Lacey.

“That’s so mean!” says Nancy.

“Honestly, this conversation is starting to piss me off. Why can’t I be honest? Why can’t you see it from my perspective at all?” says Lacey.

“You thought he’d look like me.” says Lem.

“Exactly it’s almost as if he stuffed his bra and you know there’s nothing like evil necessarily about stuffing your bra or even having breast implants but if you’re a man who really loves natural large breasts, you just love them, can you imagine finding out that the woman you’re with possibly for eternity is stuffing her bra?” asks Lacey.

“Yeah I can imagine that he didn’t look like Michael either or Harold. No, you’re right there’s something mean and selfish and cruel about lying to you that way your entire life.” says Louis.

“Yes, there is something so mysterious about it in a way because it’s like why would you do that as a man?” asks Lacey.

“I know I hear you because as a man he’d be far better off not caring in a real way. My pet opinion is that Jack doesn’t realize how hot Lem was and you do and Joe does but Jack doesn’t.” says Louis.

“Hey, you don’t Jonah if you’re reading this blog it’s very possible that the only spirit that works with Lacey without trying to kill her is the spirit of lust.” says a demon.

“Why doesn’t the spirit of lust want to kill her?” asks the Illuminati.

“Oh, well, there are several reasons first is that she’s extremely beautiful and the spirit of lust has been able to use her her entire life to trip people up and she’s so effective that her death would be a huge loss. The second reason is that she’s so good and moral that she doesn’t realize she’s causing people to lust and she doesn’t know that they’re lusting after her or at least she didn’t used to know and maybe she doesn’t now either and so the spirit of rejection and loneliness and other spirits of that nature are able to tag team with the spirit of lust and also be incredibly effective in hurting people by using her. Because what she was made for is a man from the 1940s or 30s or 50s who actually knows what she wants sexually and understands how to get what he wants. Whereas men today are clueless and that’s fine except it doesn’t work because then they end up feeling hurt or sort of like there’s something wrong with her. Men today we’re expecting Lacey to wear skin tight clothes, have long hair and wear lots of make-up. And she didn’t do that.

Ironically, if she were to put on high heels and dress that way they would be creeped out by her because she really does look like Marilyn Monroe and that’s not normal…and honestly she’d be arousing and then they’d start to think: is this even arousing? And and some men would say yes and then some men would probably feel like she was too feminine and ladylike and it would never be maternal because she’s not maternal, but they would decide she’s too ladylike which is not something she would’ve anticipated. She wouldn’t have thought that there would be a limit. Once she wore high heels in a shoe store and her husband was gobsmacked and I don’t want to be more graphic and so no there are some men like her ex-husband who would’ve been stunned, and then there are some men who would have found it alluring, and then realized that it just was not quite their cup of tea but because she rarely ever experimented with high heels or tight skirts, or anything of that nature, she never found out the reaction that she’d get because she never ever wore anything like that publicly ever and I mean ever.

Now men of the past didn’t need that much help and it was because they slept with people that look like her left and right. No, they just didn’t need that much help women were more modest and so they were better at guessing what was underneath a woman’s clothing and women were shaped a little differently. So if she had been born into a different generation, physically in a complete sentence we’ll say, I don’t think the spirit of lust would be as friendly.

Where is today its she’s very usable to hurt people and so she gets used but it’s not intentional on her part of the spirit of lust is sadly in some cases, other than ghosts and God, the only entity that tends to really care about her emotions at all it’s possible is the spirit of lust. It has a times tried to rouse up dead humans to talk to her Just to keep her from dying.” says Louis.

“So does she struggle with the demon of lust or does the demon of lust just see her as like an awesome bludgeoning device?” asks a living man.

“It sees her as a bludgeoning device. But the irony, though is that because of her fervency, and how much she loves Christ and her intense desire to worship God, and be pure it has managed to use that as a way to keep her silenced and lonely, not to the point of death, but to the point of isolation and hatred from people, discrimination everywhere, incredible hate, and discrimination. A lot of inappropriate behavior from men that she doesn’t even understand because she’s so innocent and not in a stupid way which is something else that the demon of lust loves to do to her is make her look stupid so men lust after her but then they think she’s dumb when really she’s just very pure hearted and so no it’s it. It isn’t her friend, it’s a demon but he doesn’t want her to die because she’s very useful and God doesn’t want her to die either so I’m sure that’s very confusing to people at times but it’s a complicated situation for each and every human who’s alive in a fallen world.” says Jane Birkin.

“So she doesn’t actually lust after people, but it still bothers her and it isn’t a familial spirit?!?” asks a Charismatic.

“Yes, she does not lust after people. That is not her problem!” yells Billy Graham.

“OK but then it’s like she acts sexy!” says Jonah.

“Because that’s how she is. I’ve talked to her on the phone for hours and believe me that’s just who she is if she didn’t act like that, it would be hiding who she is. Sweetie, some women really are-that’s just who they are. It’s like Lem. He was big and buff. That’s just who they are.” says Lord Thirsten Snotgrass.

“So she’s totally impervious to demons of lust and then men be lusting after her and so they think she’s a lesbian?” asks a Millennial.

“That’s very close to exactly what happens. I somewhat have an issue with lust, but not like some men. Joe has horrendous issues with lust potentially or he did. Lem surrounded himself with men who had that problem in that family, but he isn’t quite like Joe, he doesn’t cheat. He just struggles with it with Lacey.” says Louis.

“The thing is, it’s not that you’re not supposed to have sex in Heaven. It’s not even that God isn’t allowing those two to be together. It’s more the heart behind what you’re doing. Do you want to truly be with someone or do you not have enough concern for them and God in that moment?” explains Jane Birkin.

“So does Jack, did Jack realize but Lem actually looks like or not?” asks Red Fay.

“No, not really.” says Elliott.

“Go on Elliott, that’s fascinating.” says Jane.

“Jack was very overconfident about everything. A lot of the Kennedy men are like that and they tend to have an overconfidence some call it arrogance and conceit but it’s really that they’re overconfident.

And by the way there, there isn’t a picture of Lem that Lacey cannot sense his heterosexuality in. There isn’t one single picture that she’s ever seen and she’s looked at a lot of them where he doesn’t look straight to her. I just wanted to say that because I think some people think if they can just find the right picture of him, or if they can just change the argument, that somehow Lem will suddenly become gay. If he was straight he was straight and that’s just reality so get used to it.

No, Jack would look at Lem’s’s naked body-If you ever saw him. Jack didn’t actually see Lem naked as often as you might think. Ahh…and he would admire it and think that it was hot and buff and cool looking. But that was as far as it could go for him for the most part because he couldn’t imagine it being meaningful because that’s not what he looks like that’s not what any of his brothers looked like that’s not what his father looked like. You know if you have evidence to suggest otherwise fine, but that’s where it’s kind of funny, and it looks like Jack was straight when maybe he really wasn’t. Because he didn’t notice that it meant something in a sexual way. If he had I think he would’ve been far more worried by it because it’s an unusual thing to have a 6 foot four body. to be the strongest man on crew…umm that’s not normal.

And you know it’s possible in a way that he saw the sexuality of it and he liked it and it might’ve aroused him, he might’ve bragged about it and thought he was hot shit to have you know a 6 foot four jock following him around, but that’s absurd. Because if he really thought about it, he would’ve realized ‘Gee…this man is unusually sexually arousing. He’s tall, he’s got a good looking face. He has piercing blue eyes, curly sandy hair and he’s buff as they come. He dresses well, he’s hot.’ And if he had fully recognized that he would’ve realized that you don’t take someone like that for granted. A lot of men and women both could be aroused by Lem and the more important he became he should’ve been paranoid by that fact. Forget, giving him a room in the White House. He should have been paranoid,buying Lem lavish gifts, not just giving him jobs, but taking his respect for him up a notch, and being incredibly careful to dot all of his i’s and cross all of his t’a out of fear that someone would come along and see the weakness in his life. That he wasn’t married to Lem, that Lem was dating other men that his wife drew a lot of attention, that she could’ve easily been making Lem devastated and jealous. And it looks weird.

But when Jack saw Lem’s’s body, it made him nervous first that he was not straight. But then you know he kind of got over that and what he would fixate on instead of admiring the view was his failings. He was shorter than him. He had a scrawny body, and that was what he focused on. Jack compared himself to him.” says Elliott.

“Okay fine! It’s weird that Lem wasn’t more hurt at the wedding.” says a gay.

“We don’t think about that because Jack didn’t even notice.” says Elliott.

“So to the Kennedys it made sense?” asks Jane.

“They thought it was not only sensible but they also demanded it.” says Elliott. “If Lem was queer he should have fallen apart at the wedding. Gone off the deep end.” He thinks. “But because the Kennedys demanded he not care…they didn’t notice that it was weird that he didn’t care.”

“Yeah. That’s true. Why didn’t they think it was weird?” asks a liberal.

“Because they have a tendency to never look a gift horse in the mouth to a fault.” says Elliott. “They don’t like to question things.”

“So they assume the best at all times if things are pleasing to them?” asks Jane.

“Yes!! They’re all like that to some extent.” says Elliott.

“Why?!” asks an Irishman.

“Because they came from poverty.” says Elliott. “Poor people can be naive too. Just like rich people. It’s just a bit different.”

“How would it have looked if they’d truly been old money?” asks the Irishman.

“He would’ve never even laid eyes on Lem for more than a few minutes. He would’ve instinctively known that a man who seems straight, but who’s acting gay is never a safe prospect.” says Elliott.

“So he felt safe, but why?” asks the Irishman.

“Because Lem seemed upper class and confusing to begin with. His mannerisms, his smell, his clothes, his face, his accent, everything seemed foreign to Jack to some extent. And so he just translated in his head to make sense of it as best as he could and no alarm bells went off no red flags he just greenlighted him because he couldn’t see the danger. He couldn’t see it. You know Lem had a wonderful personality, he was a good man and so he missed everything that should’ve warned him. And also Lem was poor because of the Great Depression and father’s death so a lot of the red flags were masked. He thought that he was after his money and that wasn’t true. He thought that he was gay because of how he acted even though he had some doubts and that’s where Lem’s upper class background was ignored. It was sublimated, because Jack just took Lem’s word for it.

You know Lem was an expert on drapes, upholstery‘s and 1700s furniture so it’s like well…he says he’s he says he’s gay he’s an expert in the whole story I guess…so we’ll just let it go. Even though Jack felt uneasy, even though it seemed weird to him he just let it go because ‘that’s what they say.’ ‘That’s what the experts tell me’. Lem like an expert, he’s from old money. And back then old money was more powerful so Lem was more powerful in Jack’s subconscious. ‘Lem says he’s gay and that feels weird to me but I’m just gonna go with it!’.” says Elliott.

“Why didn’t someone warn him?” asks the Irishman. “I mean I can tell you one guess it’s because they hated him, and they secretly enjoyed him making a fool of himself.”

“Yes, except some people really did care about him and I’m pretty sure that Judith Exner tried to warn Jack once, if not on multiple occasions, and he just couldn’t comprehend what she was saying.” says Elliott.

“You know I’m making a total ass of myself. I sound like a hateful, dumb Irishman.

“I know because I’m not talking straight to an Irishman. I’m talking to a dead Irishman in a pub who’s being conjured by Mr. Blue and he’s mistranslating almost everything that that man is trying to say.” says Elliott.

“And they’re psychotically fixated on hating Lacey and there’s nothing clever about it. It’s actually entirely demonic, and they have no idea how powerless they are because of what they do when they worship Satan.” says the Irishman.

“At any rate, no Jack did not know that Lem was hot. He knew he was sort of hot, but not really. He saw it as more of a competition and less of a reason to want to sleep with Lem.” says Elliott.

“So that’s why they made fun of his height so much if they did?” asks an actress.

“Among other things yes. I just think it’s important to note that they really didn’t understand that when something is too simple and it shouldn’t be that there’s probably a catch. That is a tenancy of people who are poor and recent immigrants to the US and they still had that tendency. They still don’t understand that that they were being taken advantage of in a way, not by Lem but by themselves essentially.” says Elliott.

“Except things do get simpler the wealthier you get?” asks Nancy.

“Not necessarily some things can be, but gold-diggers are really not your only concern once you reach a certain level of power and wealth. There are a great many other things to consider and that is not something that JP Kennedy analyzed ever particularly well.” says Elliott.

More later.

“So I am intrigued, because I am possibly a casting agent and you do potentially identify all male sexual orientations almost spot on.” says a woman to Lacey. “What is it that you notice about men who are not straight? What is it? What is that certain quality?”

“Well they are either demon possessed, and it’s a demon of homosexuality that I am sensing. They’re insane and I’m picking up on that possibly coupled with the demonic entity of homosexuality. Or I described it as a certain roundness, but that just goes over like a ton of bricks. I don’t know how else to describe it easily. I have to think about it for a few minutes.” says Lacey. “I think roundness is an appropriate word because I’m a straight female, and a phallic symbol is like a sword it’s not round, it’s sort of the opposite. But queer men have a certain quality to them that is, it’s phallic. It’s masculine, but it’s not him intended for female consumption for lack of a better word way to describe it. It’s like there’s a certain-it’s not flaccid-it’s it’s not a sexual-it’s just-it’s not neutral. It’s not like they’re sexually neutral, they’re more soft you know they’re round and and I’m not trying to describe it in a way that is obtuse. Actually I’m trying to be very exact and maybe I’m being so exact that it’s beginning to sound creepy because how could a person’s soul be soft and round? It almost seems like you have some sort of internal part of you that is like a penis, but that it’s internalized and when you’re gay, it reads as totally disinterested and almost nonexistent round.” says Lacey.

“Do you think if you were a man that you’d see it the same way?“ asks the gay man.

“To to be honest that was a really interesting thought experiment I just did. And…it’s not there. It’s not there at all. It’s not there at all. It’s not there. All I can sense is, ‘This is a man who might find me attractive!’ I don’t sense any sort of roundness. I don’t sense anything.” says Lacey.

“But even if that’s true, I wonder if it’s that way for just you or or all women?” asks a clothing expert.

“No! I still get a ‘gut sense’ about people. But the roundness might’ve been just my perspective.” says Lacey.

“That was insightful then.” he says.

“Thank you for suggesting that.” says Lacey.

More later.

“You’re not being loved by your ghosts!” says Al Franken to Lacey.

“No I think I might have been, but then you guys screwed it all up and confused me over the last three years.” says Lacey.

“Who loved you?” asks an Irishman.

Lacey thinks.

A dark, suffocating, silencing force of hatred surrounds her.

Lacey twists a hole in the fabric violently.

It splits in half.

Jack is almost thrown into eternal Hell. He went too far in letting Lacey cut the fabric. A man was supposed to love her and do that.

“I can’t stand how smart she is!!! I’ve never been that smart! She used the music to cut the fabric in her head and she’s not even dead!!” in protest, yells Jack.

“Yeah, do you care that she’s not gonna know that she’s loved now is easily or not?” asks Joe Kennedy Jr..

“No?? Not…really?” he says, confused.

“You only care about yourself?” asks Franni.

“Who the fuck are you?!” asks JFK hatefully.

“My wife!” yells Al Franken.

“Oh yeah?! …Who are you?” asks JFK.

“I was a U.S. Senator from Minnesota.” says Al Franken.

“Oh! Minnesota. Why are you here?” asks JFK.

“So you only care about your own feelings in regard to Lacey?” asks Al Franken.

“Yeah. I don’t even know her and Lem anymore.” says JFK.

“So…Lem was straight!” says the father from Schitts Creek.

“He was. Lacey fucked him. Or she got fucked by him. Depends on how you choose to look at it. …Say, I’m awfully busy.” says JFK.

“While I’ve got you here: Why did you hate Queen Elizabeth II?” asks the father from Schitts Creek.

“SHE WAS A BITCH!!” seethes JFK.

“That doesn’t sound like the Queen we knew!” says the actor.

“Well good for you!! I felt she was…”. He cuts himself off. “I’m dead! And if I wasn’t missing my grandkids and kids…I wish-I’d wish I was dead. I don’t like your world. Sorry!” says JFK.

“Goodbye!” says the mother from Schitts Creek to JFK.

Moments later.

And at that Lem punches a hole in the wall out of sexual frustration. He was looking at the world from her perspective and lost it.

More later.

Colorblind by Counting Crows plays.

“I’ve almost killed you twice. Just to be with you.” says Lem.

“I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

More tomorrow.