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“What did you think was happening when they started talking to you telepathically?” asks a reader.

“It started slowly.” says Lacey. “Batgirl III used the word telepathy. She wrote a Twitter post about telepathy. And they, specifically Mr. Blue, kept asking me, ‘How are we talking?’” says Lacey.

“They kept asking you in ‘Twitter Code’ ‘How are we taking?’” asks a psychologist.

“Yes!! And I’d write blog posts about it. Because they had indicated that they might be reading my blog that was linked to my social media accounts.” says Lacey.

“And yet they kept asking?” asks a psychologist.

“Yes! And then eventually Batgirl III used the word telepathy.” says Lacey. “In ‘Twitter Code.’ And around that time I had started to hear what at first sounded like voices coming from the vent in the apartment above in Seattle in the bathroom. But eventually it sounded like it was coming out out thin air, like a disembodied voice.”

“So…they have disembodied voices like ghosts?” asks the psychologist.

“Ghosts sound different. If there are ghosts. The disembodied voices of the Illuminati sound more like demons. And of course that makes sense given what they’ve been with their Satanism.

Ghosts and demons sound different. Ghosts sound like living people. But they’re cold. And quieter. Like the Earth sounds cold in the winter to me. They sound like that. But even colder. But demons sound…tired. Not like rightfully tired…but sort of…drained and draining. Like you have to empathize with them or they’ll start attacking you. They sound dirty. They sound…vivid…but…strung out.

There’s a definite difference…maybe I’m not doing a good job describing the difference.

Anyway…if the Illuminati exists…their living human voices sound like demons. Well…like a cross between ghosts and humans in some cases. But…haunting and disembodied regardless.” says Lacey. “At first they really sounded like actual humans to me. But…now they sound almost entirely just like demons.”

There, There by Radiohead plays. It plays on Pandora. It plays.

It resounds throughout the world…in a way. It penetrates into other realms. Ghosts hear it too. All music has a certain ability to penetrate like a sword. That’s the spiritual nature of music, possibly.

Egyptians knew that, if it’s true.

King David knew that, if it’s true.

Charismatic Christians know that, if it’s true.

Satan and God know that…if it’s true.

“Ands that’s why I play music.” says Lacey to Al Franken. “It’s just…playing?” She smiles. “Can you feel it?” She smiles. “Does it feel creepy?”

He shrugs.

“Darn. I was trying to sound creepy.” she says.

Dark Red by Steve Lacy plays. On Pandora.

“If Al Franken was a child compared to you with your 1894 father brain…would you have telepathically flashed him your breasts?” asks the ghost of a man who was in his 30’s in the 1960’s.

“You mean…if I knew? Even if he’s decades older than me?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“No! Of course not. But it’s hard to believe that because he’s so old. And it’s still such a stretch in some ways to believe I’m illegitimate. …Not impossible but still unknown.” says Lacey.

“So…why did you think these men started talking to you? Just to flirt?” asks a psychologist.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“But that’s so white trash!” says Mr. Blue. “Men don’t actually just fuck chicks.”

“Wait, what?” asks a reader.

“Like…it’s fun to play with the minds of dumb, self-important bitches like Lacey. Because she was and is unusually beautiful. But…a man would never just contact some woman he’d been talking to telepathically. Or even in his DMs. Men don’t sleep with their fans.” says Mr. Blue sincerely. “Not really.”

“Like they never actually pull them backstage and get a blow-job?” asks Aidan.

“No! Not unless the woman wants

As drugs or something.” says Mr. Blue. “I mean come on! How many stars do you know who actually sleep with their fans?! It’s not really a thing.” He thinks. “That’s just white trash mythology.”

“Yeah you’re wrong. I think you’re just too ugly and nerdy looking to have experienced that as much as lots of celebrities.” says Britney Spears.

“Mmm. No. I make millions of Dollars a year!” says Mr. Blue.

“So! To her that’s not a big deal. Her husband doesn’t make that much but her father has. So has her father-in-law.” says the CIA.

“So…hold on! The British have her on the ‘sexual bandwidth’ of the Greatest Generation now?! Like…if that’s a thing?” asks a psychic reader.

“Yes!” says Lem. “Somewhat…”

“That’s genius!” says the reader. He smiles in awe at God.

“God has saved her through Jesus.” says Lem.

“Umm…rockstars fuck groupies all…the…time.” says Meatloaf. “I’m not saying it’s good but it’s fairly common.”

“Her father made a million one year in oil. Her father-in-law made $700,000.00 last year?! That’s not millions.” says Mr. Blue.

“And why do you think your fans don’t want to fuck you?” asks the CIA.

“Like it’s common. My friends who are stars or were stars on SNL and The Office aren’t getting laid either. Rockstars get laid because they play music. And music is sexual.” says Mr. Blue.

“Umm…you don’t understand social class.” says Casi.

“I still can’t believe that’s true. I went to an Ivy League school!” says Mr. Blue.

Casi laughs. “But your mother wasn’t a Nesheim.”

“Nesheim isn’t Loeb. But it’s still serviceable.” says Harold Loeb.

“So there was no Kennedy Class Revolution that stuck because Lem might have been heterosexual?!?” asks a dead hired hand. “Yeah! That makes sense.” He worked on the Nesheim farm and then bought a house on Summit Avenue after making lots of money in real estate.

“No!! That can’t be!” says a bisexual dead man. He was counting on Kirk Lemoyne Kennedy being a thing in Heaven.

“Why did you think Lem was gay?” asks a billionaire.

“Because!! It was obvious!” he says.

“How was it obvious?!” asks Lem.

Later.

Turns out Jack thought Lem was gay. And that when Lacey acts too humble that she’s then lowly in reality and not just being humble. He’s that dumb.

And he enjoys lying to people.

“I can’t control him.” says Lem. “And God doesn’t want to send him to eternal Hell.”

“So…we’ve made Jack a literal poltergeist?!” asks a wizard.

“I’m not that much of a poltergeist!” says JFK in a creepy way.

“Yeah. So you’ve terrorized Lacey her whole life because she’s too humble? To the point of insanity?” asks the wizard.

“I don’t have to be accountable for that! Lem was gay not me!!!” yells JFK.

“Are you sure about that??” asks the wizard.

“No!” laughs JFK. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?!?” he yells.

More later.

“Maybe I thought it was in my best interest not to!” says Red Fay.

“You bitch!!!” yells JFK at Red Fay.

More later.

“No Jack! Lacey is better looking than you. But…that’s not why Lem loves her!” yells the Illuminati at JFK.

“That’s a lie!” says JFK.

“No. It is. To me you’re sexual shit compared to Lacey and that’s a compliment.” says Lem. “And in that way it’s a lie to say you’re unloved by me for purely physical reasons. But it goes beyond that. …You’re just that totally worthless to me at this point. I wouldn’t care if I never saw you again for the rest of eternity. It’s my preference. But I’m not God.” says Lem Billings to JFK.

More later.

“What would you do if you were JFK in your last life and then you died and found out that you were fooled your entire adult life into thinking that Lem in love with you?” asks the Illuminati of Lacey.

“I wouldn’t care.” says Lacey.

“Really? Why not?” asks Lem.

“Because it was all nonsense.” says Lacey.

“So you’d just get over me?” says Lem.

“If I was Jack, I’d have to wonder why you let me live.” says Lacey. “I’m not a man. Period.”

“So if you were Jack he was actually a trans, straight woman?” asks Caitlin Jenner.

“100%!” says Lacey. “Or I’d rather not have lived that life at all. No, I mean I am I’m glad you know my kids exist, but do they have to exist as themselves? See that’s the problem with you people you don’t know when to stop. If I actually had-I’m not Jack, okay. But if I’m humoring you…and if I actually was reincarnated the Kennedys in that family don’t exist. No, they’re not real. They’re other people all of them.” says Lacey.

“Honestly, you guys are so determined to make her Jack it’s weird. …But…umm…she would have a right to say that. So no she’s right…none of them are Kennedys if she’s JFK reincarnated. I don’t know who they are but they’re not her kids and no they don’t exist as themselves because she cares about them so much and she’s so disgusted by him.” says Caitlin Jenner.

“So then who would his kids be?” asks a trans woman.

“I have no idea. I mean, I don’t know. They’re probably not my kids. I really don’t think I’m Jack. I can’t say with 100% certainty that I’m not Jack in a scientific way but I almost can that and I really would like to be able to, but I don’t think that’s reasonable…and if I were to go on faith, I would say no I’m not Jack. No, I’m not Jack.” says Lacey.

“Then we really don’t know who you are, and it scares the hell out of us.” says the Illuminati.

“Umm…why is that so scary? I don’t get it. Umm…why would you know who I am?” asks Lacey.

“Because we know everyone. We like to think we know everyone.” says Mr. Blue.

“How could you possibly know everyone?! That’s insane!” says Lacey.

“Because we’re all one and therefore we know you.” says Mr. Blue.

“First of all that’s your spirituality and it’s bullshit. I’m allowed to say that you don’t have to agree with me but it is. It’s absolute complete bullshit. It’s stupid, it’s impossible. It’s worth shit. Second of all you’re trying to wholly sadistically control me and there’s nothing positive about that, that’s pure evil. Third of all, we’re not even talking about it in this intuitive, nebulous, complex way. There’s no way for you to humanly know everyone in this detailed sort of complex way.” says Lacey.

“But that’s just details.” says Mr. Blue.

“OK but details comprise the whole, so the details sometimes really do matter depending on how they interact to make the whole. So no I mean I don’t believe that we’re one in that way, but you don’t even know who I am in the way that you pretend to…which does actually matter. I think you don’t understand your own spirituality and I think you’re very ignorant. No, I think you’re a phony, self-congratulatory fool.” says Lacey.

“Okay you got a wealthy, upper class woman from old money, American aristocracy who is exceptionally beautiful and intelligent and kind to notice you and you’re obviously white trash.” says a perfume hater to Mr. Blue. “And I think you would feel like that’s a victory for you and your friends who are like you in some way but the problem is it’s really not a victory because she didn’t know who you were. She literally thought you were Michael Rockefeller almost positive you’ve channeled Michael Rockefeller, and if that’s actually who she probably was really having sex with telepathically. I doubt you really even interacted with her at all.”

“OK so that’s what it was to you? Umm…because there are people in this world right now who genuinely think that she was supposed to be murdered and that it didn’t work.” says a Tik Tok star. “They think that you knew how awfully lonely she actually was after like stalking her and her family because of the oil and how insecure it’s made you people feel and you felt like if you sacrificed someone in her family that it would somehow appease your demon entities. It’s interesting you have killed three people in her family, possibly before their time. Mark, Ron, and her cousin who shot himself. But…there’s also a little girl who died in a tragic accident, a woman who died of breast cancer, and a man who had a brain aneurysm.”

“OK but then how do you explain all of our initial like interactions on Twitter, when I was essentially a psychically communicating with her to groom her to have telepathic sex?” asks Mr. Blue.

Later.

“We in the Illuminati today, believe that you are new money because your money barely comes from the Trillions of Dollars worth of oil, and it did not happen before that. So cracked? CRACKED!” yells a new money mid attractive, Arab, SHORT, ARROGANT prick. He thinks. “OK fine I am going to agree that I’m only slightly old money. I am the Kennedys. If they were an authentic thing as represented I am slightly I am slightly old money, but I mostly new money but people are very scared of me.”

“Thank you for conceding that hopefully that’s authentic because that’s possibly just actual reality.” says Lacey.

Silence except for the sound of a jet.

“OK so first of all the Crafts had oil money back in 1973, which is almost 50 years now. And that’s just the oil. My grandfather born in 1913. He made maybe $50-$100,000 off of it in 1973. But before that he was making money from his land, and he was probably a millionaire at the time when he retired in 1985 or 1986. …Now…his family was upper middle class you could probably say. His uncle was knighted by the King of Norway in 1954. His uncle wrote most of his novels in the early 1900’s around the time that my grandfather was born. His older brother inherited the farm that he grew up on that his family owned and then he purchased his own farm in the 1940’s. He didn’t grow-up poor but they were farmers and they were very humble and back in Norway they may have been middle-class. He went to trade school instead of going to college because to them college was somehow not appropriate, which actually somewhat baffles me but it just somehow wasn’t appropriate even though they weren’t poor so he went to trade school. He was actually incredibly intelligent, but he went to trade school, he was a mechanic, and somehow he became a foreman of a shipyard in San Francisco and then did that at the beginning of World War II before moving back to North Dakota and buying a bunch of land. And that’s when he bought the farm, was at the beginning of World War II and no the person who had all the land had died. And the wife was looking to sell. His sister was very active in local politics. I don’t entirely understand them because they really were not poor. That’s just the case. It says that his uncle was poor on Wikipedia but I’m not convinced they were quite as poor as some people are coming to America. I mean he wrote novels and was the co-editor-in-chief of a widely circulated newspaper in the 20th century, early 20th century. And that was his uncle so he didn’t go to college but his uncle was knighted by the king of Norway for his brilliance and linguistic expertise. In a sense. He may have made a few errors here and there, but in his novels, but I mean come on he was writing his own novels. He didn’t have a ghostwriter, he was a novelist. And this is at a time would be a novel is still meant some thing he published his novels before F. Scott Fitzgerald published his, and honestly his writing is excellent. Which is probably why the King of Norway knighted him for being a novelist and writing novels. So that man who was notable, and obviously in the upper class was my grandfather‘s, uncle, maternal uncle, and his father was not a wealthy man, but he was upper middle class, and very stable and probably middle-class back in Norway in the 1800s and on his side of the family. And now they’re mostly all multi-millionaires. Ray sent all of his kids to college to universities, paid for the degrees and now his granddaughter owns of $6 million estate.

His wife, my grandmother, was extraordinarily beautiful, but they were more poor. They actually were poor. Maybe not by some people standards, I mean they owned their own farm, but they were terrible with money, and I think her father might have been alcoholic. But then she married my grandfather, and they lived in San Francisco and she learned how to drive in San Francisco in the 1940’s and obviously she finished high school and then all of her siblings did too I think. Some of them might’ve even gone to college but she didn’t, but she became a housewife, and my grandfather retired a millionaire in 1985 or 86.

It’s not like stellar old money, but I would argue because of the knighted author, and the fact that my grandfather was so stable and retired a millionaire I feel like they kind of became somewhat old money not like pure old money, but I’ve always felt that there was a hint of old money at the very least, authentic old money.

And obviously that was before the oil-he he may have made a couple hundred thousand off of the oil at the time in 1973, but that was over 50 years ago at this point. It was exactly 50 years ago. Would he have been a millionaire without the oil in 1973?? Yes he would’ve been. He may have greatly appreciate it that oil but he would’ve been a millionaire or at least very close to it I mean yeah if he would’ve been a millionaire yeah and we’re talking about a millionaire in the 1980s so if he was worth $1.2 million in 1986 today he would be worth $2.17 million. The people in our family’s net worth and ranges from $15 million at the top to 0% for children, I guess you could say.

The other side of the family because there are two sides is far more easily old money. I mean they were silversmiths in Norway. They were professors in the 1940s in Norway that were well respected and then they became millionaires in the 1950s through investing and were at least upper middle class in the 1930’s or 40s, I mean it’s-the poorest they ever really were was probably middle-class when they first came over to United States and they didn’t have a lot that they brought with them but that’s really the poorest they ever were was probably just middle class to upper middle class. The socio-economically poorest anyone ever was was the son of a math tutor in Norway in 1800’s. And the Seay’s on that side I mean that’s potentially literal like British aristocracy in the 1200’s and then they lost their money in the American Civil War and now they have it again so don’t go there. That family ranges from zero to maybe $50,000,000 net worth.

What was what was then what was the net worth then without the oil on both sides? Without the oil maternal side that raised me would be worth maybe 0 to $6 million in varying net worths.

Paternal side that raise me would be worth maybe a 0 to $7 or $8 million in varying net worths.

And that’s without the oil but if you want to be more honest, you should really just include the oil because that was one of their investments. Very intentionally.

Now, that was very silly of me, and there could be some men who are laughing, rightfully because I haven’t realized until just this moment that I’m not including the oil that we have in the ground. I’m just including the money that we’ve made, and saved and invested off of the oil up until this point. And I suppose the land itself should be included as well.

No, my family is not like that that’s just me and if I’m not one of them, I find myself funny. Some men may find that part of me endearing and it’s why the name Lacey suits me because I can be a little silly at times even if I’m actually a genius.

And they’re all old money to varying degrees. The Nesheims, the Crafts and the Estvolds are old money at this point. They’re certainly generational wealth, I mean that’s just a fact. But I would say they also qualify as old money like I said they’re not the Rockefellers, but they are old-they are old money to some degree and they’re definitely generational wealth.

With the oil if we keep it in the ground and we own the ground, we can leverage it because the oil itself if we’re still using oil is worth trillions at this point. Trillions of Dollars. If we were to sell the land or sell the mineral rights in the next five years we would probably make between a rough estimate $50-$500,000,000.00. As a group of roughly three families. And that’s just if we sold the mineral rights and the land.” says Lacey.

“Is there anyone in either family, any family that’s like poor?” asks the Arab new money titan or son of a titan.

“No, not really. The poorest person is my soon to be step-mother-in-law.” says Lacey.

“And everyone else goes to Harvard or Yale or Princeton or Johns Hopkins or NYU or they go to a nice state school or university and then become a doctor and travel the world and have a puppy and a mansion and their 30s?” says Nancy.

“Yep, that’s them to a T. Everyone literally. Or close to it. I think the weirdest anyone’s ever gone is becoming a sci-fi author and having a wife who is a professor at a for profit university in their 30’s.” says Lacey. “Or having like 10 children, a stay at home wife, and living in an apartment and being a pastor. That last person worries me, but they’re very into their Christianity and their wife just keeps getting pregnant and that’s their choice. They grew-up in some prestige and some wealth. Their grandfather was a dentist who owned his own business, but they have chosen to be a pastor and have a lot of kids.

And then I may have a cousin who was trying to be free and they never got married even though men fell madly in love with her and she traveled to Argentina to be a dancer…and then she wanted to own her dance studio and then she did fundraising for charities for a while and now I have no idea what she’s doing. She could be a millionaire or she could be on food stamps, and the family could be hiding it. I literally have no idea. I doubt she’s on food stamps because I don’t think her family would let her be on food stamps, but then again they might if they thought it was somehow purifying for her in some moral Christian way. I have no idea. Other than that pretty much everyone is probably well-off. Stable to well-off to outright wealthy.” says Lacey.

“How dare you say my daughter could be on food stamps!” says Lacey’s aunt.

“She would only be on food stamps if you let her be.” says Lacey.

“There is no way in the world that that’s possible, she’s a genius.” says Lacey’s aunt.

“Your daughter actually went to Argentina to study dance?!?” asks a perfume hater.

“Well that was part of what she was doing there. I mean she was growing and developing as a person but…she’s a really good dancer.” says Lacey’s aunt.

“Not like exotic dancer like…just…dancing?” asks Al Franken, smarmy and condescending.

“I’m not even going to respond to that.” says Lacey’s aunt, profoundly repulsed and in shock. For real.

“What kind of dancing does your daughter do then?!” asks Krystal who belly dances extremely well. She’s a Nesheim. She’s brilliant. And not a prostitute. She’s…brilliant.

“She does this thing called popping.” says Lacey’s aunt.

“Not like drug use like like dancing like popping and then she obviously knows some Argentinian dances as well I take it?” asks Wobbly.

“Yes, no she’s a very good dancer but like actual dancing is an art, not just purely for sexual purposes for money.” says Lacey’s aunt.

“Oh and so then Lacey wasn’t even allowed to do ballet because it was too sexual but there’s a belly dancer and a popper in the family who are celebrated for it? And there were beauty queens and homecoming queens and models who were celebrated for it, but she wasn’t even allowed to be a little ballet dancer because her mother thought it was too sexual and when she spread her legs to be comfortable on a hot day, the Nesheim’s thought that she was a freak until she pointed out that she was only four and that she had no idea what she was doing because she had the intelligence and common sense to be able to make that argument in her innocence and fear as a four year old.” says Humphrey Bogart.

“Why did her mother act so paranoid?” asks a perfume hater:

“That’s a very good question to be honest. Keep that in mind when you’re talking to Lacey. There’s a little ballerina in her who was told that ballet was far too risky and risqué for a child.” says Lem’s mom.

“Did her mother tell her that make-up was evil as well?” asks Caroline Calloway in her spirit?

“Somewhat. She definitely wasn’t allowed to use it until she was in high school or college and her mother did that begrudgingly. Her mother was very repressive, extremely repressive. Some parents though some parents won’t let their kids wear blue jeans and Lacey was allowed to wear blue jeans.“ says Michael.

“But at the same time they cultivated liberalism in her?!” asks a professor.

“Yes they did because they were actually liars. They weren’t raised that way themselves at all and they weren’t really actually that conservative. None of their siblings were that conservative it was just them for the most part and no she was raised to be a liberal minded thinker in a way, but also with a fear of being inappropriate at all times through just speaking, or breathing, or walking in a possibly lurid way.” says Lem.

More later.

“What did you think of Minnesota where you were in Minnesota?” asks Lacey.

“I think your family is far more elite. Who are these Norwegians that ski?” asks James Cameron.

“They are my family. Legally, at least.” says Lacey.

“Why were you in love with Brian Duffield?” asks James Cameron.

“Umm…see you have a lot of money but my family has more money in oil then you have in your entire net worth and there is also human rights so if you and all the other bitches and hoes that want to come to America in the 1800s to shoot me in the head with a toothpick laced with acid want to keep coming to Minnesota to threaten me be careful…because I’m not actually scared of you almost at all. I’m scared of what I’m gonna do to you if you kill me when I’m dead and I’m scared of the pain that my kids are gonna have to go through. I don’t wanna see them cry and I don’t want to have to throw you down the stairs and watch your neck break as a poltergeist. And I mean that.” says Lacey Banks.

Silence.

“I am pretty sure that growing up in Ontario, you’ve been to the North Shore before. I have a feeling that you liked were you were and that it reminded you of home slightly…and that you actually were partially wondering if you could live there…and that’s not a stupid question. Ontario’s a beautiful area and it’s not that different than where you were in Minnesota. …I actually prefer where you were in Minnesota personally, but that’s sort of a matter of taste.” says Lacey.

Silence.

“Well I don’t know if he was interested in that or not but now I’m interested in it so I want to talk about it. Was I in love with Brian Duffield? Well, obviously we went to college together and he had a girlfriend at the time Sinead, from Ireland. I

had a crush on him, and I think he found me a attractive, and may have even wanted to sleep with me, but I don’t think I held a candle in his head to his beloved Sinead. And she was his true love, but it wasn’t-it wasn’t an unhealthy or an inappropriate amount of love. If I’m able to talk to ghosts, Lem’s’s love for me, isn’t all that different. Louis’s love for his wife wasn’t all that different. Harold’s love for Brett Ashley wasn’t all that different. I don’t think that men today realize how normal being in love to that degree really is.

But no, he was madly in love with her, and she was very likely cheating on him almost the entire time. She will get pregnant mysteriously, and then he’d forgive her because she had some crazy story that he believed. Or she’d worry she was pregnant and then probably claim that she’d been date rapped even if she really hadn’t been.

And I was there. He confided in me once, he pulled me aside and said that he needed to talk to someone and I was the only person he could trust or something like that. And honestly, I resented it deeply. I wanted to be there for him because it you know what I wanted to be there for him. I want to be able to be loving to him as a person, but it was very difficult to listen to him because I felt a lot of pain being in that position.

I mean here’s this guy who’s at least some proximity of what I was looking for, not my soulmate, but some proximity and he has this girlfriend who’s cheating with him or cheating on him potentially and is scaring him and hurting him and he’s putting himself through torment being excruciatingly faithful to her, being her biggest fan, loving her passionately from across the ocean. And the way he did talk about her was like she was Zelda Fitzgerald, but like 10 times better.

And she was held up as this goddess figure, and everyone’s mind. And when you’re excruciatingly lonely, hearing someone who’s mildly attractive, who you kind of have a crush on go on and on about some sort of gorgeous love for someone is not pleasant necessarily…unless if you have the sense that it’s mutual at the very least, and appropriate somehow. Because I was starving to death, potentially literally, for love.

But I tried to be supportive. I don’t think he would’ve guessed that I had a crush on him at all and then she came to America and he took her shopping…and right before that I confided in him, or I confessed and confided that I had a crush on him, and then he decided that he had to tell his girlfriend…and then she was devastated and truthfully, I don’t think I told him that thinking that we would necessarily date. I think I thought somehow it was helpful and it might have been. I think it might’ve given him a boost of confidence which may have actually been all that I was really trying to do was just let him know that he was good looking.

I I have a sense that it got blown out of proportion, and then I wasn’t really madly in love with them, but that that’s what they thought that I was madly in love. I think he thought that possibly and she did too but really, I think it was more esoteric than that and obviously misguided, because even if it was helpful I was made a total fool of. I mean they really thought I was an idiot I think for a while. He even criticized my writing…I of course was telling him off in the email, but anyway, I was right because in the email I had warned him that his girlfriend was not necessarily in a healthy relationship with him. But it just it was very hurtful and irritating because I think I thought that I would tell him oh, I have a crush on you and he would say something like ‘I have a crush on you too but I’m more in love with my girlfriend.’ or ‘I have a crush on you, but I don’t think I should break up with her.’ or ‘I have a crush on you, but it’s really not at all meaningful to me.’ But for some reason at that age being as idealistic and naïve as I was, and trusting, I thought that somehow, it was better to tell him than just keep it to myself, which is definitely not something that I would think anymore but at the time somehow I thought that was the right thing to do. So I you know I told him and he decided that I was just awful. He’s like ‘I’m going to have to tell her but she’s going to be devastated and I am flattered but you know I am basically ready to send you to prison so get away for me.’ And then they had to give me the wounded silent treatment while she was there.

And apparently they had these discussions of should he date me and then he told me that he’s basically like, ‘Can you believe she’s wondering that about us?!’ Like…I am a terrible person for making her have to think through all that and no…turns out she was cheating on him, potentially the entire time. And I suspect I was one of the only people potentially who really told him that he was in an in an unhealthy relationship and then I got blasted for it and then years later he invited me to come visit him in California. He pleaded with me to come visit him…and I don’t know if that was a hook-up situation…like where I was supposed to be hooking-up with him or what he was thinking.

I think I was falling for him, but he’s not Lem. Oh, and you know, Evelyn had been somehow in a relationship with Jack, and been bisexual or straight, even pansexual, and if I had known him in college, and I thought he was in a non-healthy relationship, and I told him that he blasted me for it and criticize my writing, and then years later, asked me to come hook up with him I would’ve flown out there in a heartbeat. I probably would say the same thing for Louis and Harold and Michael possibly even Elliott but it’s just it was too disrespectful. Because there was something about those men where it’s like they could make a mistake like that and if it was Lem it would be forgivable and it’s not just sex appeal because Joe could’ve made that same mistake and it’s it would be over with him as well. No…but there’s something about men like Joe or Brian Duffield where it’s like when they tell you that you’re a piece of shit at just the wrong moment at least with me it’s over.

And I worry what he wrote about because I know he wrote about that girlfriend. I know writing about her is part of what made him so famous. And umm…I I worry that I’m in in the play or book. Whatever it is, that he wrote, I worry that he added me into it and turned me into some sort of stupid evil bitch or some shrewish ugly cow or some conniving monstrous catastrophe, some despicable piece of shit. Or some genuinely conceited, silly little twat who chews her fingernails and gets high on glue for no good reason…or some dumb thing like that. I think he thought it was far too kind to include me in any sort of story if I’m not included because best case scenario, I’m not in the book at all or play or whatever it is.

And if I am in there, no I would be shocked if he really had any respect for my soul at all. And that should be devastating to him, that should be a mark of shame and embarrassment.

Because you know, I think I thought I was special I think I thought that somehow I was genuinely garnering his affection and that he thought I was pretty and that maybe the crush was mutual and I think I thought that maybe if I told him that I thought found him attractive that he’d finally confess his feelings to me or that it would just be like I don’t know that it would somehow clear the air or something. I didn’t think that he would have such a horrible reaction to it because it was it was it was like I had just done some terrible deed.

Hey, I don’t think he thought I was necessarily coming onto him but no, but I think they both thought I was just madly in love with him maybe that I was coming onto him, but mostly that I was just this terrible person. And it’s it just floored me because I really did not at all expect it. No it was actually quite traumatic because it was like why is telling you this such a big deal?

I mean the thing is if he’d had a crush on me I might’ve actually tried to talk him out of being with me. I don’t know that I necessarily thought that we were going to end up together, but I think I thought that we might and I think I thought I was somehow doing him a favor because he was more interested in me than I wasn’t him but no, I mean I don’t even know what he was feeling, and it just makes me angry because it was I don’t feel like it was fair.

But you know a lot of men have been like that to me in my life and the really hilarious thing to me is that if I’m able at this point to be in a romantic relationship with Elliot and Lem I realize what other shit dating Brian Duffield really would’ve been essentially. You know, unless if you’ve been mouthy in love with me and really made it amazing it would’ve been absolute crap comparatively speaking.

And I try not to be angry at god cause I don’t blame God, but it’s hard to know how to make sense of it in my head because the men of that generation specifically Lem, and to some degree Michael, who is obviously Silent Generation but still, and Harold I mean, I find them infinitely more attractive and it’s not as if-there is no contest hands-down. Men of today are pieces of crumbs falling on the floor from a cookie compared to you know an actual man. I mean it’s it it’s not even worth talking about it’s too depressing practically and yet I am stuck at 40 and I have kids that I need to be alive for and the Illuminati is trying to kill me and I just think, ‘What the hell is going on?!’ Because I essentially had no chance of being happy the minute I was born. It was a pretty much done deal because everyone was dead for the most part. I mean or they were going to be dead in a very short time. I mean, I essentially was doomed to a life of torture and misery. The minute I was born. I didn’t even have a curse on me I don’t think. It’s just how awful my life is…but aside from my children I really do need to stay alive for them and you know I don’t know for a fact there’s an afterlife and that’s awfully miserable because that really is my only chance of ever being remotely happy other than for my kids.

And I think there are people who are this doomed, yeah, there are, but they’re usually not potentially being targeted by the Illuminati to the point where they wonder if they’ve lost their mind as they’re being potentially suffocated to death spiritually fighting for their kid’s lives. I mean it’s a psychotic, psychotic experience even though it’s real. It’s just bizarre absolutely bizarre. Because I’m not really well-suited in temperament to be playing this role so to speak it’s disconcerting.”

Later.

“Good night.” says Lem.