Obsessed

So apparently the Kennedys are obsessed with Lem being gay. And it’s extremely unlikely he was gay.

Why?

Wobbly dances as Golden by Cannons plays.

Jack Kennedy walks out of nowhere and stares at Wobbly in his spirit. He has a black eye. With open mouth…poor JFK cries.

“That’s probably Lem!! Not my uncle!” says Smobbly grinning confidently.

It’s JFK.

The Illuminati is in rebellion against Lacey Banks running the world. To a point. It may be…that…her whole life…they’ve been in rebellion against her?

Over by Electric Guest plays.

“I didn’t love you!” says Brian Duffield to Lacey.

“Wow! Why do I care?” asks Lacey.

“Because you’re supposed to care!” condescendingly says his college friend Matt.

And at that Mr. Blue tries to get Lacey to choke on her tea. It doesn’t work, literally thank God.

Chris Hayes and Kate turn into a football player and his cheerleader girlfriend. She kicks her leg up on his shoulder so we stare at her underwear. This move is supposed to be scandalous and arousing.

“I didn’t love you!” yells Brian Duffield at Lacey.

“But I did!” says Joe Kennedy Jr.. “She’s not my mother. She’s my age. And she’s extremely beautiful!”

Breathe by Télépopmusik plays.

The Founding Fathers come out on stage wearing noting but glitter and body paint. They are commanded to dance on cue.

“Listen to the beat and shake your ass!” says Lacey.

The Founding Fathers begin to cry. One of them loudly.

The song plays. “Just believe. Just breathe!”

“We’re not all gay. And this is very uncomfortable!” says Ben Franklin.

They glare at Lacey.

They turn on Lacey. Dressed in body paint and glitter. On a wooden stage from the 1930’s.

She wonders. Can she destroy them?

Suddenly they’re all in nooses.

Wobbly farts out of his butthole.

A little boy psychic gets waterboarded because he’s causing death. He’s Wobbly’s pet. And now Wobbly has turned on him.

“I’m hot, I’m sexy…and you need to RECOGNIZE.” says Wobbly sincerely.

The little boy psychic is loved. Unconditionally. And that makes Wobbly jealous.

These people are depraved.

The Founding Fathers sit criss cross applesauce in nooses. This could take a while. They are served apple juice and graham crackers. Given color crayons and coloring books.

“Who are you going use to protect you?” asks George Washington, in defiance. He’s a smart guy!

“Egypt.” says Lacey.

Time Traveller by M. I. A. plays.

“Vroom vroom!” says Lacey.

“Fine! It works.” says Madison.

They stare at her in confusion over coloring books and juice.

“This is actually quite fun!” says Jefferson.

“Is Lem Thomas Jefferson?!?” asks a psychic.

“Do you know?” asks Egypt.

“No!” says Lem. “I’m not Thomas Jefferson.”

Egypt laughs.

“I hated everything you’re doing as a child.” says Lacey.

They start crying again.

“What?! We liked it a minute ago!” says Jefferson.

“Mommy!” yells Madison.

“These aren’t the actual Founding Fathers?!” says Brian Duffield in confusion.

“No. They really are.” says Chris Dodds.

“Where are they? She’s insane. Right?!” asks Casi, hopefully.

“What do mean? They’re dead.” explains Doja.

“Yeah. But not like…really. The subset is angled!” Casi says.

“What subset?” asks Bill Gates.

“The left circumflex.” says Casi.

“Right quantum?” asks Chris Hayes, thoughtfully.

Drive by Warpaint plays.

“I kind of care about Lacey’s soul!” says Thomas Jefferson cheerfully.

“We don’t! We choose not to!” says George Washington.

“You all truly don’t give two shits about Lacey as a type of a person or as an individual?” asks Louis Hill Jr..

“An individual.” says Thomas Jefferson.

“Why?!?” asks Vladimir Putin.

“She’s too pretty. And too mean.” says John Adams.

“She’s not mean!” says Queen Elizabeth II.

“Okay, Regina George!” says John Adams.

“Do you think she’s mean?!?” asks Lady Diana Spencer, aghast.

“We’re dead!” says Athalia Ponsell to Lacey’s readers like it’s a privileged club of cool kids.

“Yes.” says Thomas Jefferson about Queen Elizabeth II on behalf of The Founding Fathers.

John Adams cries.

Egypt dances before God.

Black Car by Beach House plays and Lacey joins them in their war. Their war for Christ. They need sharper swords. Lacey’s song comes through. And if Scotia lived and is in Heaven through Christ she rides victorious. She slices off all of the Founding Father’s heads. If necessary.

“I’m sorry!” says Queen Elizabeth II to Scotia to apologize.

Scotia seems unbothered. She smiles.

And yet…it’s not over.

In a dungeon in Scotland Lacey’s surrogate family locks the Founding Fathers in a cell. They’re properly dressed. There are beds. Food. Air. But there’s no escape.

“Why didn’t they care?” asks Ken Burns.

National Lampoon’s American Kennedys plays in a movie theater in Heaven. It’s a box office hit.

“Sounds like good fun.” says Jan Hertel.

“I know.” says Lacey.

“Will they be playing it in 30 years?!” he wonders, sadly.

“No. But you can see it on your own!” says Lem.

“I just want to see it!” says Jan.

Road To Chicago by Thomas Newman plays.

“I was never in love with you!!” Brian Duffield says to Lacey with fervency.

“See…now you’re confusing her slightly. But only slightly. Are you saying you were in love?! You’ve clarified yourself several times.” says Lem.

“No! She doesn’t understand.” says Brian Duffield.

“That’s what we think!!” says John Adams in his cell.

“Oh! You think she doesn’t understand what he’s saying?” asks Queen Elizabeth II.

“Yes!! She’s not understanding.” says George Washington.

“Try again, Brian!” says Madison.

Brian laughs. “I never thought you were worth a damn as a human almost at all. You would have been my fuck toy. Your humanity was only mine to shit on in my estimation. I had no love for you at all other than as a human…somewhat.” he says to Lacey.

“Yeah. I know.” says Lacey. She smiles inside.

He looks worried. “But…that sounds so awful.”

Lacey is confused. “Yes! I would have thought you cared about me more as a human. But otherwise…that’s the impression I’ve been under for…over fifteen years.” says Lacey.

Brian looks uncomfortable.

“So you thought he had some vague agape love for you?!” asks Chris Hayes.

“Yes!!” says Lacey. “He seemed more mentally healthy and Christian to me than this.”

“Yeah! But…I never loved you!!” says Brian.

“Okay. What are you looking for?” asks Lem of Brian.

“I was…thinking you’d…really care.” says Brian Duffield.

We Move Lightly by Dustin Ohalloran plays.

“Why?!” asks Lem.

“Because I’m a big deal now.” says Brian Duffield.

“We don’t care, Brian.” says a Belter of North Dakota.

“That’s not fair!” yells George Washington.

“No. It sounds like you had fun!” says Dennis of the Nesheims to Brian.

“Fun?!” spits Brian.

“Yeah! Isn’t that what you call it nowadays?” asks Noel of the Nesheims.

“They never even kissed!” says Brian’s significant other.

The Nesheims look skeptical.

“No!! We really never kissed.” says Brian.

“Did you hold hands?!” asks Nils.

“No.” says Brian.

The Nesheims laugh.

“I told her the same thing. In 2008. And it hurt her…but…she’s glad I ended things now. It was for the best.” says Chris Dodds, trying not to laugh.

“So you called it fun. And you hurt her?” asks Noel.

“Yes.” says Chris Dodds.

“But she’s glad you ended things?” asks Nils.

“She can’t stand me now. But I’m sure she’s hoping my family and I don’t go to Hell.” says Chris Dodds. “Or should I say, ‘Me and my family?’?”

“She dated you??!” asks Brian Duffield’s significant other.

“Yes!” says Chris Dodds, confused.

“Hey! It’s okay! It’s okay!” says a female Italian psychic in New Jersey.

Ashton Kutcher cups his hands over his mouth.

“No!!” says Brian’s significant other.

“Wait. What?” asks Casi.

Show Me What I’m Looking For by Carolina Liar plays.

“No!” says Mr. Blue.

Benjamin Franklin looks shocked. Wide-eyed he sits in his cell in awe.

“You never saw Brian’s dick!” says Brian Duffield’s significant other.

Howlin’ For You by The Black Keys plays.

Did a dead, sexually experienced Hollywood starlet suggest subconsciously that Lacey should date Chris Dodds? Possibly.

Lacey is…bored.

“This conversation is getting perversely stupid.” says Lacey, dozing off from boredom.

“Men’s penis size based on ethnicity is thrilling!” says Hollywood.

“No. It’s…so boring.” says Lacey, fighting to stay awake.

“I’m straight too. And I agree, actually.” says Queen Elizabeth II.

My Tears Are Becoming A Sea by M83 plays.

Elizabeth and Lacey wake up to the music.

“I think she was attracted to that part of my body. Meaning my genitals and probably my eyes and my mind…but I am short…and honestly I bet Philip was probably very well hung. I don’t think these women are fascinated by something that to them they figured out expertly in their teens or 20s.” says Chris Dodds. “It’s sort weird. Why are you all fascinated by that? Here let me explain: Bigger is better to a point. But your moves matter too.”

“I wasn’t ever in love with you!” Brian Duffield yells at Lacey.

“She understands!” says Lem.

“What is your problem?!” the Belters of North Dakota ask Brian Duffield.

“Are you okay?” asks Lacey, sincerely.

“Yeah?” says Brian.

“Don’t ruin yourself!” says Lacey sincerely to Brian.

“I won’t.” he says in a weird way.

“Great. I hope you mean that. Peace be with you!” says Lacey, exhausted.

Colorblind by Counting Crows plays.

“You guys I had a guy in love with me for a while and his whole world centered around me. I was his absolute everything and then he moved on. Because I kept being cold to him and sort of putting him off and stringing him along and he just got sick of it…and eventually he just got over me…and now he is madly in love with his wife, or he was for a while. I mean…he moved on. And I’m sure that it hurt him. I’m sure I hurt him. But I think…like…people move on and in all honesty, the love that some people the people who can actually move on have for their next spouse or partner is probably just as much, if not superior to what they felt for you. Although not always…I kind of doubt that they still actually give a shit in the way that they did. They’re not your parents.” says Katie J. of the Nesheims.li

“No, Lem loves me unconditionally…like a parent but he’s also in love with me. Oprah agrees, and that’s the only kind of love that we want. We want the love of a father or a mother who are secretly in love with us, but not in a pedophilic way but in a super special way like the coolest toy you’ve ever found at McDonald’s only better and then you think to yourself, ‘Wow! Gee…they’ll never ever leave me or fall out of love with me no matter what I do to them! I could kill them 1 billion times and hate them and never ever really love them other than sort of…and that would be enough. Because you kind of have to sort of love him a little…otherwise it doesn’t work…but it’s like I didn’t really give a fuck about Lem at all but he still loves you. I mean that’s the ideal. That’s what everyone’s looking for. That’s…what I want! That’s what I want for the kids. That’s what I want for everyone!’

I want someone who is obsessed with them…and you can just treat them like shit! You can for eternity! And then…they don’t even care…and you know…in all honesty…I don’t think Lacey should ever ever have that. No. Not Lem. No.

No.

…

See…because in my special world…she’s never happy.

Vote for me!” says Wobbly, seriously.

Bring It On was Brian’s girlfriend’s favorite film.

Erik Satie plays. Gnossienne For Piano No. 4.

“I was never in love with you.” says Brian Duffield to Lacey.

“Why do you think I don’t understand that?!” asks Lacey pleading for him to explain.

“Because the angle slopes.” says Casi.

“What does that mean?” asks Lacey.

Hollywood giggles.

“I don’t think she gets it.” says Brian.

“No. She doesn’t.” says Casi.

“I mean you.” says Brian.

“No. You mean her.” says Casi.

“No. You mean her.” says Brian.

“No. I mean you.” says Casi.

Hollywood is enthralled.

“No. I mean…me.” says Casi.

“No. You mean her.” says Brian.

“No. You mean her.” says Casi.

“No. I mean you.” says Brian.

“I mean you.” says Casi.

“You mean me.” says Brian.

“Yes!! I mean you.” says Casi.

“You mean me?!?” asks Brian.

“I guess so?!?” says Casi.

“I mean me!!!” yells Brian.

“You mean…you?” asks Casi.

“You’re meaning me.” says Brian.

“I mean you!!!” yells Casi.

“Fuck you!!” yells Brian at Casi.

“No!! You fucking bastard! Fuck you! FUCK YOU!!” yells Casi.

“You’re hurting me!” yells Brian.

“No!!! You’re hurting me!” yells Casi.

“I’m in love with you.” says Brian to Casi.

“Okay. I’m not sure if I’m ready for this.” says Casi.

“Then let’s get married.” says Brian.

“Go away.” says Casi.

“No.” says Brian.

“Why?” asks Casi.

“Because Lacey is rich.” says Brian.

“Good reason. Except she’s not.” says Casi.

“Are you my dream girl?” asks Brian.

“Maybe.” says Casi.

“Great. Suit up! Let’s get married. I’ll make you my Princess! We’ll show the whole damn world what two peasants can do in America.” says Brian.

“Okay. Great!” says Casi, ‘bored.‘

“Aww!! My favorite love story! Just like me and Lem!” says JFK, seriously.

“Yeah! Me and Lem too!” says Kick, seriously.

“Me and Lem too!” says Bobby.

“But…we can’t all marry Lem.” explains Rose.

“Gee. Why not, mother?” asks Kick.

“Because there’s only one of him.” says Rose.

“No. He’s got four of him somewhere.” says Kick sincerely.

“He does?” asks Rose.

“Yes!!” says JFK.

“Oh wow!” says Rose, sincerely.

“Yeah!! He’s unlimited.” says Ted.

“I get the original!” says JFK.

“There are a billion originals and they all belong to me!” says Bobby.

“No!! They don’t. They have perkexes.” says Bobby Sr..

“DuPont?” asks Kick.

“No!! Doobgok.” says Bobby.

“Doobgok?” asks Kick, lovingly. “It’s DuPont.”

“No no no!! Bumblebor. …Hyenas. Eiderum.” says Bobby with suspicion.

“My goodness!” says Joe Jr.. “Maybe Lem isn’t attracted to any of us. Maybe he’s just a brother-in-Christ.

“Brother-in-Christ?!” asks Jonah Wiley. “Eww!”

“Yeah? Dostitch!?!??” asks Bobby.

“Huh?” asks Jonah.

“DOSTITCH!!!” yells Bobby.

“What did I do?” asks Jonah.

“DOSTITCH!!!” yells Bobby.

Jonah ignores him.

“DOSTITCH!!!!” yells Bobby.

Jonah looks miffed. “I’m getting a headache!”

“Why can’t I stop talking like a toddler?!” begs Bobby in the afterlife if he’s tormented children through molestation. He bangs on his car seat.

“DOSTITCH!!!!” he screams to his aunt Kathleen.

She peacefully ignores him.

“DOSTITCH!!!” yells Bobby.

More later.

Lacey feels physically fairly awful today.

And the Illuminati doesn’t understand.

“Lem is our main problem that you can’t believe that I slept with someone else purely because I was hurt by you?” asks Lacey.

“You knew I was straight, you didn’t love me and you had some other awful reason.” he says.

“Does that mean that you are going to cheat on me now or not?” asks Lacey.

Silence.

“How can you be so confident that it wasn’t purely because I was hurt by you already?!” asks Lacey. “I warned you not to try me. I really did.”

“Yes, you did over a year ago.” says Lem.

“So why do you keep doing it? You’re possibly destroying everything!” warns Lacey.

He cries. Looks at her.

She laughs.

“Why in the world are you crying? What in the world would you possibly be crying over?” asks Lacey.

“I am crying over the fact that you slept with other people, that’s sad to me Lacey.” he says laughing.

“Yeah, I suppose that’s true. But what if I did it purely because I was hurt? How many times do I have to explain that to you? It’s a very simple concept.” says Lacey.

“But why would you do that?!” he says. He cries.

She laughs. He looks confused. She looks empathetic and then laughs.

“What do you mean?!” she asks.

“You care?” he asks laughing.

“About what?” she asks.

He rests his forehead on the palm of his hand. “Yeah. Maybe I’m still hurt.”

“But what if I did it purely to escape you?” asks Lacey.

He looks intrigued.

“Escape me?” he asks.

“Yes. Because you loved Jack. Lem…I truly think it’s that simple. And you ignoring that just distances me more. Do you want to send me to Hell? Is that it?” asks Lacey.

“So you need me to clearly state what happened?” he asks.

“Are you trying to send me to Hell?” she asks politely.

“No.” he says.

“Okay.” she says smiling.

“They set you up.” says Lem. “But it didn’t work.”

“Why are you hurt?” asks Lacey. “It was only meaningful if I’m not with you.”

“No. In this case. I see your concern.” says Lem.

“So it was truly just me…unless you’re with the other supposed men?” says Lem.

“Yes! As much as is possible. But maybe that’s not possible.” says Lacey.

“So…you thought it was time for a switch since I’d switched.” says Lem.

“Yes! Possibly yes.” says Lacey.

“I just can’t believe that! Possibly.” says Lem.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because you’re too beautiful!” yells Lem.

“Hmm. Well…I suspect you’re wrong.” says Lacey. “About my feelings.”

Knives Out by Radiohead plays.

“So how was I?” asks Lem crying.

Lacey laughs.

Lacey laughs.

“Is that a compliment or an insult?” asks Lem.

Lacey laughs.

“It was hellish.” says Lacey.

“You got hurt?” asks Lem.

“I fell in love. It was hellish. I really fell in love.” says Lacey. “But it wasn’t you. Even though I’d love to make it you.”

“They’re not me.” says Lem.

“Why did you do that to me?!” asks Lacey.

“You felt rejected.” says Lem.

“I think so?” says Lacey.

“Do you still feel rejected?” asks Lem.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“I’m not rejecting you.” says Lem.

“Are you sure?” asks Lacey.

“YES!!!” says Lem.

“You promise?” asks Lacey.

And at that Jack Schlossberg gets out of his car and races off. He’ll be a NYC Jew for now. Thanks.

“Yes! I promise.” says Lem.

And at that Biggie targets a few…targets.

“Well!” says Lacey.

Biggie is doing his thing.

“Who did you fall in love with?” asks Biggie.

“Michael, Louis, Harold and Elliott again a bit. Mostly just Michael and Louis. And Harold. Maybe Joe.” says Lacey.

Later.

“You’re not black.” Biggie says to Mr. Blue.

More later.

“Let’s talk in a moment.” says Lem.

Later.

“You should move your bed. I don’t like where it is right now.” says Lem.

“Because that’s where Elliott told me to put it?” asks Lacey.

“Yes, yes that’s what I mean. I’m incredibly mad at you. You slept with Louis and Harold and Michael and Elliott and Joe and Joe I think you almost fell in love with Louis’s brother even and yet you’re just totally flabbergasted and I get the concept that you really genuinely didn’t realize that I was in love with you, actually I don’t think you understand at all what it means for someone to be in love with you and that might be my fault so don’t move your bed.

I’m going to sound really stupid right now but that’s because if I were to talk to you the way that I need to it would kill you. The Illuminati has it set up right now such that I’m not able to talk to you almost at all as myself, it’s very hard to explain but essentially they’re living in a delusional bubble themselves that isn’t real.”

More later.