The List (All GIA Certified)

1. Art Deco platinum and diamond ring. Purchased for $3,500 but valued for insurance purposes at $6,000 in 2012. Thrown into the Puget Sound in 2012.

It would now be worth $8,100.00. This ring was not donated to charity.

2. Three Topaz and rings. Pink, blue and orange in 24K gold. Mark purchased them from a downtown St. Paul skyway jeweler. They were likely purchased for around $700 in 2012. These were thrown off her mother’s balcony and were presumably found by women she heard possibly talking about them. They’d be worth $951.30 today.

3. One solitaire emerald cut 1/2 tcw. diamond in platinum. It was purchased for $2,500 in 2012. It would be worth at least $3,397 today. It was purchased under value.

This one was also thrown off her mother’s balcony. And was likely found at the same time as the other rings. Mark searched for them and never found them. He’s very good at finding things.

4. One Helzeberg Diamond’s lab created blue sapphire and white sapphire in 24k white gold ring. It was in the same style as Princess Diana’s ring. It was purchased for around $490.00 each in 2011 and 2012 three times. Once it was flushed down the toilet likely in Saint Paul. One of them was possibly flushed down the toilet in Seattle (this one is blurry in her mind) and another one was definitely dropped in London in on a sidewalk. It was likely found. Today they’d be purchase value of $1,997.00. $668 was given to London.

5. Then there was the thrice purchased Helzberg Diamond’s 14k white gold, green amethyst (scissor cut) and diamond rings. Purchased for $450. Each. Between 2011 and 2013. Now of course amounting to $1,834.00 or so total. Unfortunately, none the ones disposed of were likely found. One was flushed down a toilet in Cincinnati? And one was thrown into a ditch near Stillwater, MN.

6. Then there was the smaller natural blue sapphire similar to the one above from Helzberg Diamond’s with side diamonds set in 24k white gold purchase for $600 and valued for insurance purposes at $1,200.00 in 2012. It would bd worth possibly $1,630.00 today. It was thrown at night into a lawn in Red Wing, Minnesota. The lawn was then mowed. It wasn’t found and both Lacey and Mark searched thoroughly. Was it picked up or was it lost in trimmings or was it destroyed?? Lacey hopes it was found.

7. Then there was…a diamond and 24k white gold wedding band purchased for $1,300.00 in Las Vegas at a decent jeweler. It was flushed down a toilet somewhere. It would now be worth $1,766..

8. Then there was the Weir & Sons three diamond in 24k white gold ring purchased for $6500 in 2011. It would now be worth $8,833. Possibly no photos were taken of it. It was flushed down a toilet in Duluth at a bed & breakfast.

9. Then there was the diamond ring purchased from Bentley & Skinner purchased for $11,000.00 in 2012. Which is $14,948.95 today. It was platinum and diamonds. It was flushed down a toilet in Lower Queen Anne, Seattle.

“So there might have been more like 15.” says Lem. “And with inflation we’ll say you’ve donated $6,429 or more.”

“I bet you guys donate regularly?” asks CIA.

“Yes. But it’s meager. We should do better.” says Lacey.

“You tip well. You help homeless people.” says the FBI.

Dmitry laughs like it’s embarrassing to Lacey.

“Why is that embarrassing?” asks Lacey.

“You donate to charity?” he asks.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“He means beyond helping homeless people.” says his wife.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“And beyond tipping well?” asks a perfume hater.

“Yes!” says Mark Schiebel.

“What’s a good tip in America?” asks a perfume hater.

“20%.” says the FBI.

“How much…did your parents donate during your entire childhood?!?” asks Cafe Fleur Belle.

“$150,000?” says Lacey. “Maybe $196,833.11 with inflation.”

“How much has your father alone given away since leaving your mom?” says Cafe Fleur Belle.

“She left him. But…maybe $600,000.00.” says Lacey.

“Counting your inheritance or not?” asks Cafe Fleur Belle.

“Not.” says Lem.

“That’s not that much!” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“Our Craft family has likely donated $1,000,000.00 or more.” say Ron Craft. “$3,000,000.00?”

“$3,000,000.00 from the Nesheims.” says Pat Kaald, Lacey’s second cousin on her mother’s side.

“That’s not that much.” says Cafe Fleur Bon.

“No! That’s worthless shit!” says Mr. Cologne 76. “Excuse Cafe and I. We need to chat.” he says with a laugh.

“Actually…I’m really confused.” says Jana Klein. She looks angry. “How much money do you have in perfume?”

Lem sighs. “80,000.00. Tops.”

“How much was your chandelier?!?” yells Cafe Fleur Bon.

“I had a discount given at the register. It was purchased from H & B Galleries in Minneapolis. I paid $600 for it in 2019. It was priced at $1,200.00. It was really worth a lot more.” says Lacey.

Fuming, “Do you realize you paid more for the Topaz rings you threw over the balcony?!” she says.

“Yes! I’d expect to.” says Lacey.

“Why did your parents live in an apartment?” asks Jana Klein.

“She can’t answer that. That’s extremely painful.” says Lem.

Jana laughs. She shakes her head.

“They’re liars!” shouts Cafe Fleur Bon.

“Why is that funny?” asks Kacey.

“Because she’s-“ starts Jana. “That’s-“. She thinks. “How?!?”

“Sweetie. They were donating 20% gross. Every paycheck.” says Kacey.

“Then why aren’t they millionaires?!?” scoffs Jana.

“They might be. What are you talking about??!” asks Kacey.

“They donated to her rich!” says Jana Klein.

“I highly doubt that!” say Kacey, weirded out.

Jana scoffs. “Oh my god! You can’t tell me they were that-“

“They donated because it was considered appropriate in their church. They never went to a church that preached the prosperity gospel. They went to one that had an element of the prosperity gospel in it. For five years. But it wasn’t a popular topic in the sermons.” says Lem.

Jana laughs. “Why?!?”

“Because that’s how they interpreted scripture.” says Kacey. “You wanna know the truth? I think you’re just a jealous, catty bitch.”

“That’s mean!” says Jana.

“You make me angry.” says Kacey to Jana.

“Yeah. Okay.” says Jana.

“How do you not understand? We were born into wealth. My brother is just evil.” says Ron Craft, Lacey’s uncle.

“And Lacey’s not?” scoffs Jana.

“No! She’s not!” yells Kacey, slightly fuming.

“She’s my daughter!” yells Thomas Banks.

“Why do I hate this woman?” asks Jana.

“Well. Let’s be honest. They’d be wealthy. Possibly very wealthy. And…that’s not what you thought. Maybe…you just hate being that wrong.” says Jana’s husband, sweetly. He stares at her lovingly. Longingly.

“We’re working so hard. Very hard. For decades to have what we have. And she’s throwing away tens of thousands of jewels in the ocean?!?” yells Jana.

“Why did you let that happen to you?” asks Rod Sterling.

“I’m a dog! I look like a dog!” says Jana.

“Well…how is that her fault?” asks Rod Sterling.

Jana fumes. “It is. Isn’t it?!? Somehow?”

“How?” asks Joe Biden.

“It’s just a gut sense.” says Jana.

“But how is that logical?” asks the CIA.

“Hey! If ghosts are real…who knows!” says Jana.

“That’s dumb!” shouts Kacey.

“I didn’t steal anyone’s beauty.” says Lacey. “And no one gave it to me.”

Crickets chirp.

“Why did you throw the rings down the toilet?!” scoffs a hater.

“She was drunk?” asks another hater.

“She was in a fight with her ex-husband.” says Lem. “Rarely was she intoxicated at all.”

A woman laughs. “So it’s that she was trying to make a point?”

“Yes!” says Lem.

“What was her point?” the woman asks.

Lem angrily rolls his eyes. “She was trying to express profound and sincere rage.”

“Is it real?” the woman says.

“What?” asks Lem.

“We’re subtextually having sex!” she says chewing gum loudly.

“How?!?” asks Lem, terrified.

“It’s hidden in our words?” she says.

“Oh they do that! But that’s not what I was just doing.” says Lem. “You read too much into what I was just saying.”

“Lacey never does that and neither do you?” asks Casi.

“No. Never. It annoys us.” says Lem.

“It’s just shorthand!” says the woman.

“No! It’s obnoxious.” says Lem. “It’s…impossible to read if you’re genuine old money.”

“Because you’re crowd is subtle but not like that?” asks Frannie Franken.

“We don’t cheat words that way. It’s…trashy and annoying to us.” says Michael Rockefeller. “When other people do it though it’s not.”

“You thought I was insulting your family’s $150,000.00 donation? Where did it go?!” asks Cafe Fleur Bon.

“Wait! So she fought with her husband for good reasons and then threw the rings into various places to cheat the evil-matrix and express herself to her ex-husband?” asks a hater.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“The Christian Blind Mission, CBN, their churches, several international missionary families they were friends with, On Eagles Wings, Billy Graham, some charities that helped in Africa (I’m not sure which), possibly Creflo Dollar and Joyce Myers…and that’s all I recall.” says Lacey.

“CBN? And Focus on Family?” asks the CIA.

“Most likely.” says Lacey.

“Did you mother ever donate to Joyce Myers to get money in return?” asks the CIA.

“Maybe once or twice. Literally. And she was possibly-She was weird about it.” says Lacey.

“What about the Republican Party?” asks Jana.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Shit!” says Cafe Fleur Bon.

“I want an itemized list of every perfume bottle she has!” says Cafe Fleur Bon.

“She’s made them.” says Lem.

“She didn’t think almost anyone was reading her blog. It really was just an intellectual curiosity to her.” says Cafe Fleur Bon.

“Correct.” says Lem.

“Where do they go to church?” asks Cafe Fleur Bon.

“It varies.” says his sister.

“Show me the houses she could have grown-up in.” says Jana.

“What does Thomas Banks look like?” asks Cafe Fleur Bon.

“Is Margy dead?” asks a woman.

“Possibly.” says Lacey.

“Of what?!?” yells the psychic.

“Covid?” wonders the CIA.

“Why?!” asks the FBI.

“A combination of factors?” says the CIA.

“Covid has been rough on you?” Cafe Fleur Bon asks Lacey.

“I think she died of drugs accidentally in the 1980’s if she’s my mom. But yes.” says Lacey.

“And the parents who raised you are in their 70’s and are fine?” asks Dmitry.

“Yes! Totally unscathed.” says Lacey.

Someone in the perfume community laughs at Lacey. “You’re a joke! And a liar!”

“How?” asks Lacey.

Then they read her response.

“Your parents are fine?!” they say.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“That’s weird.” they say awkwardly.

Lacey looks confused.

“I mean you’re saying Covid is okay? Right?” they ask.

“That’s so arrogant and illiterate I can barely stand it. I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

“Are they really that much better off?” asks Dmitry.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“How much better off?” asks the hater.

“It was like a rough cold for them. And now they’re totally fine.” says Lacey.

“And you’re not?” asks the hater.

“No! I still cough.” says Lacey.

“Huh. Did anyone in your family get that sick?” asks Dmitry.

“No! No one genetically related.” says Lacey.

“But other people did?” asks Dmitry.

“One woman was hospitalized.” says Lacey.

“How badly did your husband get it?” asks Dmitry.

“Nothing. Almost nothing.” says Lacey.

“So…good night!” yells Lem. “Time for us to go to bed.”