GATX

Angeles by Elliott Smith plays.

“I had real skill!” shouts JFK.

“Oh yeah?!” says the evil They in the Illuminati.

“Uh huh!” says JFK giggling.

“Oh my god! What did you use as birth control? Skittles?” said Jana in an above ground swimming pool in West Bloomington. It was in Allyson’s yard. At night. In 2002.

Allyson giggled.

“Umm. How do you use skittles?” asks JFK curious and excited.

“I’m a genius.” says Jana, sincerely.

Terrified, “How do you use Skittles??” begs JFK, sincerely.

Lacey stands-up and walks out of the pool. Wraps a towel around her waist.

Lacey would love to find out how Jana uses Skittles too. But…JFK would get angry. It’s his question.

JFK stares at Jana under the night sky…grinning. Open-mouthed.

“Eww!” says Jana Klein Cinnamon-Sugar.

“Fuck you!!” yells JFK.

“I’m losing my temper.” says Lacey. She glares at Jana. “How does one use Skittles?!”

JFK laughs. Stands-up. Gets his towel.

They both glare in absolute rage at Jana.

“She’s lying!” says JFK. He can’t stand Lacey but golly…he empathizes with her outrage.

“That’s sad.” says Lacey, sincerely.

“YOU PIG!!” yells JFK at Jana.

They all sit in silence for a moment.

“Well! I’m leaving.” says Lacey.

“You aristocrat!” says JFK. Then he walks through the above ground pool and then pulls it up and throws them out. Then kicks it. It flies across the yard.

The girls with Jana scream and stare at him awkwardly.

“You bitches! If I could get pregnant I’d be furious too. …What makes you think you have a right to mislead women like that? You’re EVIL!” he screams before walking off in a huff.

“It’s a joke about trainer trash.” says Jana.

“Her boobs look like Skittkes?” says Joe Kennedy Jr..

“Yeah! And her family is poor.” says Jana with her broken, creepy voice.

“Allyson looks like a man now. But she didn’t then. Were you two having sex?” asks Joe Jr.. “Is that what you’re hiding?”

“Her family isn’t poor and her tits just are smashed into her swimsuit.” says JFK.

“It’s true. She has unusual boobs.” says Chris Dodds. “I practically slept with her.”

“I went to the University of Minnesota, Duluth.” says Allyson’s mother.

“My cousin worked there.” says Lacey.

“Oh yeah?! As a shit sucker!” yells Allyson’s mother. She’s an elegant but butch looking woman.

“Oh yeah! My house costs $100,000.00 more than Lacey’s.” says Allyson.

“Mine is a lot more than yours!” says Jana. “Not that we care.” she says insinuating old money kickass superiority.

“Allyson Roberts.” says Allyson from college.

“Actually, it might be Alison. Or Allison. …Her father was a lawyer and they had a nice house but he was fired.” says Lacey. “So then they had to move.”

“It was a nice house!” Alison’s brother Mark.

“It was a nice house.” says Lacey, kindly.

“You lived in an apartment!” yells JFK at Lacey.

“Now they’ll be confused.” says Lacey, exasperated.

“You didn’t actually think I was serious about Skittles??!” says Jana.

“It intrigued me.” says Lacey.

“How!? How, you stupid little shit-faced fool??” yells Kathy who grew-up poor like Jill Schiebel on a white trash American farm.

“Well…it reminded me of a diaphragm.” says Lacey.

Kacey Johnson laughs.

Kathy thinks. “Or the sugar killing the sperm?”

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“See! The idea of my joke is that when you’re shit-faced…you can’t use Skittles because you’re too white trash and stupid. You ugly white trash butch bitch!” Kathy yells at Lacey.

“I don’t get that way when I drink.” says Lacey, apologetically. Almost entirely unfazed.

“Yes, you do!” says Kathy. She then lunges at Lacey assuming she’s a lesbian if she’s not white trash.

“No!” says a Craft. “She’s really not queer in any way.”

“Thanks, but she’s gotta be beneath me!” says Kathy who then snorts like a literal drunk pig.

“She’s really not.” says the dead Craft.

“Don’t abuse me!” shouts Pete Buttigieg, having a gay man hissy fit.

“I’m not abusing you!” says Kathy sitting in the above ground pool with him.

They sit and stare at each other.

It was 2000? 2001? In the summer.

“That’s crazy! It couldn’t have been in 2001!” shouts a Gen. Z hater.

West End Blues plays.

“Why not?” asks Lem.

“Because that’s the sort of fictional character shit this bitch concocts.” says a hater.

“Except she graduated in 2002.” says the CIA.

“Okay?!?” says the hater. “That’s just a bunch of numbers?!”

“Yeah! That’s true.” says Chris Hayes. “Don’t worry. We’ll get to the Tory Burch-moment-of-absolute-truth eventually on today’s show.”

“Think about that!” says Kathy. “You thought the pool was trashy.” she says to Lacey.

“I did.” Lacey admits.

“No she didn’t!” yells Nancy.

“Let’s let her show us her shit! It’s just peasant bullcrap. Right?” says Bentley & Skinner.

“That’s right! It is!” shouts Sotheby’s. “We think she’s a piece of shit!” they yell sincerely.

“We agree. Eww!! Eww! Eww!!!” shouts Christie’s.

“FUN!” shouts Lem.

“Okay. I’ll patronize you.” says Allyson.

“You cannot be serious?!” says Jana Cinnamon.

“I’m being honest! I could totally be a trillionaire too. My family has a lot of rice…from…Trader Joe’s…in their basement. And we have glasses in boxes from the 1970’s there too.” says Alyson Roberts, sincerely.

“Yeah! With Lacey huge gaping differences don’t matter. Right Jack?” says Nancy to JFK, sincerely.

“That’s the Illuminati spiritual rule I created.” he says. “Possibly with witches.”

“To destroy Lem’s soulmate?” asks Shana Klein.

“Shana was too rich to be friends with Lacey. I checked her out and she’s exactly as Lacey described.” says Al Franken.

“Then why would you think she’s lying?” asks Shana.

“Because it’s too much of a gaping difference.” he says.

“Yeah! I tell people her faux flaws. Obsessively.” says JFK. “I ruined her life as best I could. Pure…hatred.”

“Okay. So…Skittles was a joke.” says Jana sincerely thinking Lacey is an idiot.

“Oh I see! So you went to school in high school in 2001?! And so this could theoretically have happened in the summer of 2001. You’re fine.” says the Gen. Z hater patronizingly. She laughs. “It was just my confusion.” she says like a battered, but stoic aristocrat.

“So then this probably almost literally happened.” says Michael Moore. “In 2001.”

“NO!” the Gen. Z female hater shouts like an embarrassed and embattled Christian conservative. “I’m hanging on to that one. Sorry!”

“Why?” asks Bill Gates.

She shrugs, defiantly.

Chris Hayes laughs. “Yeah. I understand.” he says sincerely.

Terrified, “She was there. In that pool. In 2001.”

“Show me proof! Show me proof, my man!” says the Gen. Z hater imitating a downtrodden Hippie fighting the draft.

“Why do you need proof?” asks a woman in the CIA.

“Because!” she says. She flinches uncontrollably. Then she controls herself.

“Because why?” asks the CIA.

“I’m not answering that!” the Gen. Z hater says staring down at her phone.

“Okay! Let’s move on!” says Chris Hayes.

“No. Let’s not.” says the FBI after the CIA gets scared and too narcissistically insulted to do their job.

“Want me to fuck you?” says the Gen. Z hater like she’s suddenly in a pornographic film. She stupidly whispers something sexual that’s supposed to be super arousing.

“No. How do you reconcile those alternate universes in your head?” asks the FBI too scared and privilege-ashamed to defend the US Constitution.

“She’s an ugly bitch!” says the Gen. Z hater sincerely, like a mean girl.

“What does that have to do with time and space?” asks the FBI.

“She’s just copying me!” shouts Jhumpi Lahiri.

“Who?” asks the CIA.

“Lacey!” she shouts.

“She’s just copying me too!” shouts Town & Country.

“Haha! This is hilarious!” scoffs George Clooney. “Finally! The truth comes out! It’s Town and Country that will save us! God bless them!” he says sincerely, lacking self-awareness.

“I’m not copying you.” says Lacey.

“OH MY GOD!! No! Don’t say that. That’s cruel. That will ruin my life!!” shouts Town & Country.

“No! She’s just not.” says Lem.

“Let’s be nice! As the REAL American old money a aristocracy we should be kind.” says Erin Gloria Ryan sincerely.

They’re excited Lacey is being strangled by demons almost entirely as she writes this.

“WOW! You care about us?!” asks Sotheby’s, Christie’s, Aerin and Town & Country. They crawl like desperate peasants to Erin Gloria Ryan.

She kicks them all in the face. Jumps on their skulls.

“Okay. So! She was there in 2001! Fine. I’m just baffled how this woman has any glory at all. I feel betrayed.” says all of Gen. Z.

“We rescued you!” says Christina Applegate.

“From realizing she was alive in 2001?” scoffs the Gen. Z woman.

“So what? What you don’t know-We’re gods. Or no. Umm…you should be proud. …We care?” says Christina.

“That’s weird.” says Gen. Z.

“Look! I had to stuff the details to win an argument with her. And so far I’m just confused.” says Chris Hayes. He shrugs.

“We had a rock bank for girls. Second Skins.” says Jana.

“Yeah! We rocked!” shouts Kiira Gustafson who likely invented imaginary aristocratic ancestry. She HATED Lacey. Dated Treb Allen, the first guy Lacey was ever in love with. Not that it was mutual at all, necessarily. And she ran for student body president. “My uncle is the the US ambassador to Nicaragua she told everyone in Art in 1998.

“I LOVED torturing Lacey. Some of my best memories from high school was being Hell for her.” says Thomas Jefferson Senior High School from 1999 to 2002.

“Wow! Lem! And you stayed an extra year to suck Jack’s cock and pose for phony gay pictures you did for convoluted reasons.” says Lem’s father. “YOU WERE NEVER LONELY!”

“She wanted to kill herself in high school.“ says dead Chaote.

“Stop trying to suffocate her right now because you’re narcissistically insulted because it’s affecting her nervous system and honestly if she dies it probably will be the end of the world and some of you may actually end up in terrible torture when you’re dead. Satan really isn’t your best friend, and some of you probably should just have died when you were children.” says the the CIA to many living evil adults.