Arizona Jeans

“Did you wear Arizona clothes from J. C. Penny’s, Erin?” asks Lem Billings. “We’ve been talking about that and the state of Arizona all day and you guys keep panicking.”

“Do you have lots of children being held hostage in Arizona?” asks Lacey.

The Illuminati goes silent.

“Why do you always ruin it for yourselves if there are children in Arizona? It’s so weird. Do your demons betray you?” asks Lacey. “Or are they looking for a way out because the heats getting too hot?” She thinks. “Like…they’re worried that they won’t get through the next few years without Armageddon. They’re regretting encouraging the hostage trade?”

Lights Go Out by Jauz plays as demons may actually worry they’re going too far with God by savagely hurting so many kids and damning so many adults to torment. Possible eternal punishment. They’re worried their lights will go out, possibly. That’s between them and God.

Insane feat. Moon Holiday by Flume plays as people consider…jumping off of high buildings and bridges and cliffs. They’re being tempted. To jump…pray…and end their hellish lives.

A woman in an office in downtown Manhattan looks out her window and dreams of Heaven. It’s a cloudy day. She’s exhausted and fascinated by the beauty.

May God be with those people as they come to terms with reality and sort through it all with the Holy Spirit.

“Why wouldn’t people love Kem?!?” asks Jack Kennedy.

“Ken and Lemmers?” asks a living gay man, as if he has something to say to JFK.

“Yeah?!?” says JFK.

Silence from the Illuminati.

“They’re choosing to be such useless narcissists. They get so hurt when you call them out.” says Scott about the Illuminati.

“I know. God…death looks so good today.” says the woman in Manhattan.

“Let’s explore Arizona Jeans or let’s talk about what will happen if Lacey is suffocated.” says Lem.

The sound of bugs outside hum.

“You’re aroused by that door!” says the Illuminati sincerely to Lacey. A woman suddenly makes sexual advances towards a door.

“No! I’m not.” says Lacey.

They play this mind game with her often.

“Then how are we reading you as aroused??” they ask.

“I have no idea off the top of my head. And since you’re also trying to suffocate me right now I can’t process it.” says Lacey.

“We’ll take your kids away!” screams Diego Blue at Lacey via Chris Hayes, telepathically.

The entire Illuminati and Chris Hayes is fooled.

Diego Blue laughs. He knows he’s being caught.

“How do you channel your spirit through Chris Hayes’s frequency?” asks the CIA.

“I’m a ghost.” he says.

“I’m not falling for that!” says a group of CIA operatives.

“We’ve clocked you as being an illegal immigrant.” says the FBI.

“I’m not illegal!” shouts Diego Blue.

“Yes you are! I’ve got the papers, Diego!” says the CIA.

“From INS?!?” says Diego.

“Yeah! You better believe it, buddy!” says the CIA.

This extremely simple, mind-numbingly dull debate goes on telepathically for an hour. No one concedes anything.

“Let’s get back to my two favorite topics of the day! What will happen if Lacey dies and…Arizona Jeans.” says Lem.

Summer bugs hum.

“I still say Lacey is gay, you’re gay or one of you is a pervert!” shouts Diego.

“The suffocation you’re putting her through is like water torture. It’s gruesome.” says Jesus?

“Then why don’t you just save her??!” shouts Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“I am. You’re trying to molest me.” says Jesus? “And I don’t want you to go to eternal Hell.”

“Umm. That’s not possible.” says a stubborn New Age woman.

“No. It’s not safe to say that.” says Lacey.

“We don’t want to talk about Arizona because it scares us for spiritual reasons.” says the woman.

“Yeah. And Erin Gloria Ryan is embarrassed that she shopped at JC Penny’s as a child? Or she’s embarrassed that she still shops there?” asks Lem.

Silence.

“You still shop there! Frequently!” says Lacey to Erin. She just looked at the clothes at JC Penny’s. “You love that store?”

“She might.” says Lem to Lacey.

“That’s revolting.” says Lacey.

“Let’s talk about Arizona.” says the CIA.

“It’s a very spiritual location!” says Lacey.

“Why?!” asks the New Age woman patronizingly.

“No. We’re not playing games.” says Lem.

“Erin…you’ve outed yourself as a total fraud to Lacey.” says Hilary Clinton.

“The woman you pretend to be wouldn’t be so at ease shopping at JC Penny’s unless she was a possibly horrible person. Their quality is nonexistent and has been for over a decade.” says Lacey.

Anderson Cooper tries not to laugh.

“It’s an ugly store!” says a black woman.

“Yes! A poor person might shop there. Like Sears. …It’s not stupid. …But it’s not a place you go for essentials when you’re well off.” says Lacey. “If you’re poor you’re allowed to. If you’re not…it’s potentially creepy.”

“What if you’re trying to loose weight?” asks a white woman.

“And you need new clothes?” asks Lacey.

“If you’re actually trying to loose weight. Yes.” says Lacey. “It’s societally allowed.”

“Or if you’re black and well off?” asks the black woman.

“Yes! That’s perfectly normal and proper too.” says Lacey.

“Why are black girls who go to Notre Dame and write for Jezebel allowed to shop properly at JC Penny’s?” asks another black woman.

“Because they’re not as vile.” says Lacey. “And JC Penny’s has classic clothes. And they most likely fit black women better, just looking at the clothes quickly. …They might not look as shoddy on a black woman. Sort of like H&M tends to fit a very specific type of white, young female body type. It’s just done. It’s acceptable. In my opinion… But for a girl like Erin it seems…like she’s either struggling or lying or something suspicious.” says Lacey.

“What about an Italian woman?” asks Sookie.

“Maybe. It depends.” says Lacey.

More later.

“I shop proudly at JC Penny’s.” says Erin.

“But you pretend to be Holly Golightly.” says Lacey. “She’d never shop there. Or would she?” Lacey asks Truman Capote.

He thinks. “She might?” he says squeamishly. He thinks. “She’s a hick. So maybe. White hicks would possibly shop there even as remarkable as she was.”

Bobby Kennedy Jr. attacks Lacey.

“I think she would have cheated and bought shoes there.” says Truman Capote.

“Who would have noticed?” asks Lacey.

“You’re not there. And the people who are…don’t see it. Or do they?” he asks.

“We don’t.” admits Joan Walsh.

“Why not?” asks Paris Hilton, sincerely.

“It’s…done really well.” says Joan Walsh.

“How?” asks Queen Elizabeth II.

“I agree.” says Lacey. “I don’t get it.”

Joan thinks. “Could either of you two wear anything from there without it looking absurd?”

“No.” says Lacey.

“Why?” asks Joan.

“It looks bizarre.” says Lacey.

“It doesn’t on us!” says Joan.

“You must have something different.” says Lacey.

“It looks ladylike on us, right?” asks a block woman.

“Yes! Maybe not…perfect…but…still appropriate.” says Lacey.

“Well…I can cheat with the shoes.” says Erin.

“I could cheat with Sears cardigans.” says Lacey. “But…I’m not Holly Golightly.”

“Are you sure you can relate to Holly Golightly that much, Erin?” says the CIA.

“You liked Sears?” asks Truman Capote.

“Yes. They’re clothes were dull.” says Lacey. “I like dull, elegant clothes. And they didn’t need to be top of the line because I’m not a big deal in that way.”

“They were also cheap!” says the CIA.

“Yes.” says Lacey, apprehensively.

“You could have afforded something better!” says Loro Piana.

“No! I refuse to do that.” says Lacey. “I’ll patronize select groups. But my time isn’t worth their shit.”

“What about the GAP?” asks Chris Hayes.

“I have to dress.” says Lacey.

Criminals cheer Lacey on all over the world.

“Awww! You’re so stylish…Anne-of-Green-Gables-Nancy-Drew-Tiffany-Drew-Penelope.” says Lacey to Erin Gloria Ryan. “Is Gloria for glorious or “Morning Glory?”

Crickets chirp.

Lacey claps her hands. “You win!!!” she says to Erin mockingly.

“You’re hopeless!” says a CIA man to Lacey thinking he’s going to really get at her.

“I genuinely have no idea what you’re talking about.” says Lacey, sincerely.

“I don’t either.” says Queen Elizabeth II.

Lacey and Queen Elizabeth II search their minds trying to piece together what they’re talking about. Or they should be able to but the Illuminati has ruined that.

“JC Penny’s is trashy?” asks Erin.

“I’m not dignifying that.” says Lacey.

“What if I shop there?” asks a woman from Wisconsin.

“That’s fine.” says Lacey.

“Lacey…Sears seemed honest to you?” asks Kate Middleton.

“I knew intuitively that there were lots of decent people who worked there.” says Lacey. “Even if the top level management was faulty.”

“Would you have been tempted to shop at Sears?” asks a dead man of Queen Elizabeth II.

She smiles. “They had a great appliance section.”

“Yes! I LOVED it!” shouts the man who used to own Lacey’s house.

“It was lovely!” says Lacey. “Did the quality ever drop off or not?”

He thinks. “Yes. But…for decades it was sturdy.” he says.

“Sears used to build houses.” says Ed Nesheim.

“The Sears Lifetime Guarantee!” says Lacey.

“The Sears Tower!” says the man who used to live in Lacey’s house.

“They also sold Land’s End.” says Melania Trump.

“Yes! I bought a navy blue raincoat there.” says Lacey.

“That shirt was likely from Sears. It wasn’t that much worse than Brook’s Brothers is today.” says Lacey.

“That cardigan was from Sears. It reminded slightly of Chanel. Not entirely. The “jade beaded” necklace was cheap too. The one I wanted from Bentley & Skinner cost $5,000.00 and my father didn’t die of Covid.” says Lacey. “I couldn’t spend $5,000 on a rarely worn necklace.”

“Do you know if that’s real jade or not?” asks Truman Capote.

“No. I can’t recall. It was from China. It arrived during the beginning of the pandemic.” says Lacey laughing.

“That shirt is from St. Paul Macy’s before it closed.” says Lacey.

“That shirt is from Target. The jeans are cutoffs.” says Lacey.

“I bought this dress from Target and the bag is vintage. Because they looked rich.” says Lacey. “That was in college.”

“That’s my Facebook photo after my father (who raised me) gave us $25,000 to buy a Corolla.” says Lacey. “Notice my gorgeous, near perfect teeth? My old money parents bought them for me, you-fools.”

“And that’s my in-law’s current main house.” says Lacey. “In actual reality.”

“Casi is on the right overly admiring herself. Poor thing. I’m on the left wearing a cardigan from Sears. Polyester. But it looked like 100% cotton. It kept it’s shape. I loved it.” says Lacey.

“That’s the Land’s End raincoat from Sears. A vintage bracelet. And my Louis Vuitton Noé I bought for $800 from the Real Real. It only cost $700 to restore it at Louis Vuitton. They’re great!” says Lacey. “Maybe it was $600 or maybe it was $800. I don’t care.”

“How much was that jacket?” asks a white woman from the Illuminati.

“Only $50.00?” says Lacey. “Maybe $54.00?”

“What if it was $70.00?” asks Donald Trump.

“If it was worth it, I’d have bought it.” says Lacey.

“Lacey. Didn’t they boycott Sears in the 1990’s?” asks Casi.

“That does ring a bell.” says Lacey. “But you know…I bet some people held on to their jobs by the skin of their teeth till the end anyway.”

“Fossil watch. $150.00. I think. New. Victoria’s Secret shorts. And my shirt from Macy’s.” says Lacey.

“I bought that wool J. Crew sweater in college on eBay. The jeans are a size 2 Express.” says Lacey.

“Our outlet in the bathroom near the sink needs to be fixed. I’m amazing looking. My hair is unwashed, unkempt and yet…it looks good. …You’re not happy. Why?” says Lacey.

“Lavender from my cousin’s estate on Vashon Island.” says Lacey. “She dated the Carlyle for over 20 years.”

“I bought this three times. As a treat.” says Lacey. “It cost…$220.00?”

“Was it a waste of money?” asks Queen Elizabeth II.

“Yes! Beyond the first bottle.” says Lacey. “Most bullshit from the con artists of today is.”

“Can we just not care about her oil? I mean she has mineral rights basically but the fact we have to care about mineral rights to trillions of dollars worth of oil?” ask a HUGE portion of billionaire assholes in the Illuminati. “Why care? It’s just bullshit.”

“Yeah.” says Lacey. “Go ahead. If you want.”

“Alright! Then I will!” he says farting through his mouth.

“You should wear your hot fucking shoes from JC Penny’s and shake your ass in his face to his dick hard, you jack-ass-bitch.” says Lacey mockingly to Erin.

“We can’t take her mineral rights.” says the U.S. Government.

“No. They can’t.” says Vladimir Putin.

“Then why do we have to care?!” pleads the hot-shot billionaire crew.

“I already said you didn’t have to.” says Lacey.

“What happens in reality if we don’t?” asks Christina Applegate.

“You’re experiencing it right now. Remember when she said all that weird stuff the spring about the oil? Yeah…how are the markets doing right now in the world?” asks Lem.

“Did you pull strings for her did Louis or did she actually do something spiritually that we don’t understand?” asks Tom Brokaw.

“Don’t ask that! Please! Please! Don’t ask that! I don’t think we should ask that!” asks Erin Gloria Ryan.

“The answer is yes.” says Lem.

“There is a country club that I used to attend.” says Lacey’s father.

“And there’s my first cousin’s unfinished estate. I’m sure you’ve never seen that photo before?” says Lacey.

“It’s not that Tata Harper doesn’t work. I just don’t see the point.” says Lacey. “No one alive gives a shit about me anyway other than to hate me. Why spend $660.00 on that?!”

“I might have noticed!” says Queen Elizabeth II.

“Yes but…it doesn’t matter to you anyway.” says Lacey.

Queen Elizabeth II smiles. “Lem would notice too!”

Lacey thinks. “Does he really though?”

She thinks. “Yes!” she says.

“Really?!” Lacey asks.

“Yes.” she says.

“Would Philip have noticed on your skin?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” she says.

“And he’s have appreciated that?” asks Lacey.

“Good question. …Yes.” she says.

“Why wouldn’t they appreciated that?” asks Tata Harper.

“Because it might seem…vain. And…fussy. And…cheap.” says Lacey. “If you can spend less and look good that’s one thing but spending more and getting better results is potentially arbitrary or dangerous because you look fine without it.”

“So it seems…excessive?” asks Tata Harper.

“It seems vain.” says Elizabeth II.

Lacey nods in agreement.

“And that’s repulsive to them?” asks Rose Fitzgerald.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“So Lacey’s repulsive to them?!” says JFK, cheering up.

“No! Vanity is repulsive.” says Lem.

“We use Elizabeth Arden 8 Hour moisturizer. We’re not vain, Jack.” explains Queen Elizabeth II.

“That’s not cheap!” yells Erin Ryan.

“No. It’s extremely effective.” says Lacey. “It works!” She thinks. “It’s not cheap. But it’s not that much. Considering how useful and effective it is it’s a great value.”

“It’s petroleum.” says Tata Harper.

“True. …I’m lost on this particular product though.” says Lacey.

“Because it’s petroleum?” asks Tata Harper.

“Yes and no.” says Lacey.

And at that the they try to kill her with her plastic straw.

“So you don’t hate JC Penny’s. You just hate her?” asks Joan Walsh.

Lacey thinks. “That’s not quite it.”

“You’re jealous because of Diego?” asks Joan Walsh.

“Yeah! Sure!” says Lem sarcastically. “That’s gotta be it! I wasn’t heterosexual either!” says Lem sarcastically, mocking her evil.

“No!” says Lacey. “I find you obnoxious too. You’ve just never gone out of your way to be violent towards me over an extended or meaningful period of time.”

“That can’t be entirely true. Right?” asks Anderson Cooper.

“Mm…no. I feel really uneasy with that…question. Sort of like…you’re deaf.” says Lacey.

“Like you’re screaming in a dream?” asks the CIA.

“Yes! Great analogy.” says Lacey.

“Umm…so…Erin just hates Lacey randomly?” asks Casi.

“It’s deep.” says Erin sincerely.

Casi laughs. “Oh wow. What’s it about?”

“Stuff.” says Erin.

“Like what?!” asks Casi’s brother.

“Like…I’m…a singer and songwriter.” says Erin.

“What?!?” says Casi’s brother, baffled.

“I sing the blues.” says Erin.

Crickets chirp.

“Old river run!” she starts singing in a deep voice. “I hear the running river! Oh run! Run! Run! Run…you’re so much fun…oh…river of water…when you run. …Upstream. …Downstream! All that…flowing? Gets the water flowing. It’s…hot outside. All the fish are dying!” sings Erin. “RIVER!!!” she screams. “RIVER!!” she screams. “WATER!!” she screams. She breathes. “That’s it.”

Silence.

“I’m sorry. It’s easy to shop at.” says Erin.

“JC Penny’s?” says Lacey.

“Yeah! Where would you go if you worked in New York City?” asks Erin.

“Erin how did you get into Notre Dame?” asks Lem.

“I worked really hard.” says Erin.

“And you slept around?” asks Babe Paley.

“I’d shop at…-I’d shop in Paris.” says Lacey. “At vintage thrift stores in Paris.”

“And you’d wear the same repetitive clothes?” asks Ireland.

“Yes.” says Lacey. “While I built up my wardrobe.”

“Why?” asks Chris Hayes, appalled.

“Just because that’s what I’d like to wear.” says Lacey.

“The plane ticket? $500. The clothes $1,000.” says a man in Belgium.

“Why not?” says Lacey.

“And let’s say I have a net worth of $500,000.00. Then what?” asks Erin.

“I’m exhausted by that question. What are you asking?” asks Lacey.

“Where is this going?” asks Lem.

“I own a mansion.” says Erin.

“Why do I care?” asks Lacey.

“Because I’m me.” says Erin.

“What does that have to do with this?” asks Lem.

“I’m impressed with myself.” says Erin.

“I’m not sure why I’m supposed to care.” says Lacey.

“Could you impress yourself?” asks Diego of Lacey.

“No!” says Lacey.

“You’re automatically unimpressed with yourself? Makes sense!” says a dumb bitch.

“I’m not a vain idiot.” says Lacey

“Who are you conquering in your dreamsHER! YOU ARE SO OBVIOUSLY THE PROBLEM! YOU ARE SO OBVIOUSLY OBSESSED!” yells Prince Philip.