Teen Spirit

Lacey used Teen Spirit deodorant as an adolescent. She still remembers the smell.

“Teen Spirit” by Nirvana plays.

“I’ve literally almost made myself cease to exist by ruining her life. But I was having too much fun doing it to notice. Last night God had to separate us. I was damaging Lacey. But I’m a breeze today. I’m clinging to existence. …But…I just hated Lacey over Lem. There’s lots of other people to love more. I’m just offended that the first person I fell for wasn’t my twin flame. And I hold her more responsible than any being to exist.” says JFK.

“Jack that’s dumb.” says a Millennial Kurt Cobain fan.

“That music video feels like a scathing personal attack that fails entirely.” says Lacey to Kurt Cobain.

“What actually happened?” asks Kurt Cobain.

“Actual death.” says Lacey.

He thinks.

“There’s no party scene.” says Lacey. “And where am I? You have a vague shot of my body occasionally and Lem’s head sort of once. But…otherwise it’s totally obtuse. No offense. Great music though!” says Lacey.

“You hated school meetings like that.” says Kurt Cobain. “Because you felt it was repulsive.”

“Yes! It was just…homicidal.” says Lacey.

“Those cheerleaders felt sexually violent towards you?” he asks.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“I think they knew that.” he says.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because we were naturally really beautiful.” says one of his fans at her school.

“You were sexually mysterious to them?” wonders another one of his fans.

“Eww!” says Lacey.

“I might not be straight but I mostly agree.” says the female of his. I played the cello, smoked pot and wore his tee-shirts.

“Anyway…I’m repulsed.” says Lacey.

“I’m not totally repulsed…but…they’re too aggressive.” says the female student who wore his shirts.

“How much are you worth?” asks Erin of his fan.

“Possibly $15 million in bitcoin in California.” she says. “I was gorgeous too.”

“You probably still are.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Somewhat.” she says.

“Anyway…ewww.” says Lacey. “Ugh. It’s like a vagina fest. It’s so gross.”

“They’re cheering us on!” says a bunch of basketball players to Lacey.

“Why do we have to watch?” asks Lacey.

They all pause and think. “Because we do this.” says one of the cheerleaders.

“Well. Damn the US to Hell or extinction if necessary then.” says Lacey.

“It’s not that offensive!” says Meredith Aby.

“It is to me! Why the hell do I want their vaginas shoved in my face under force?” asks Lacey. “You people are such stupid peasants!” She thinks. “It’s sexual violation promoting rape that was not only sanctioned but forced down our throats by the school. You used children’s sexuality to get power.” She thinks. “When did cheerleaders in the US become that or were they always that?”

Meredith Aby laughs. “It made me feel uncomfortable because I’m not straight and I worried I was attracted to them.”

“That was my fear too in a different sense. But I’m heterosexual.” says Lacey.

“So you genuinely felt sexually assaulted by the cheerleaders?” asks Meredith Aby.

“Yes!” says Lacey. “We all were!”

Meredith Aby laughs.

“I didn’t want to be raped by them. I was terrified I was going to go to Hell inside and become someone else. It was…absolute psychological torture. And I lost respect for them as humans in the process.” says Lacey. “I’m really not like you you homophobic piece of shit!” she yells at Meredith Aby.

Meredith Aby looks worried.

“I’m sorry for calling you a piece of shit.” says Lacey.

“Why are you afraid to dress in a skin tight, short skirted outfit?!” asks Meredith Aby.

“Because I don’t want to show my sexuality to everyone. That’s weird!” says Lacey. “I’m not a prostitute.”

“But you wear short skirts?” says Meredith Aby, baffled.

“That’s hardly the same thing.” says Lacey.

“But it has to be!” says JFK through Meredith Aby.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because then I’m wrong.” says JFK. “I figure you’d be gay like Lem and use drugs.”

“No! That’s repulsive!” says Lacey.

“But he was gay!” shouts JFK.

“I’m not. At all!” says Lacey.

“Then how was he gay?!” asks JFK in a panic.

Meredith Aby laughs. “Umm…what part of Lacey seems homosexual to you?” she asks Jack, with her teacher voice.

“Her-Umm. I don’t know. It’s like…her…thingy.” says JFK.

“Thingy?” asks Meredith Aby.

“Yeah. What is that?” asks JFK.

“Her essence?!?” asks Meredith Aby.

“Yeah. Why don’t we have an essence?!” asks JFK.

“I have one!” shouts Meredith Aby.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m not homosexual!” says JFK. “Or I wasn’t.”

“Jack…does anyone other than Lem or Lacey seem homosexual to you?” asks Meredith Aby.

“No!” says JFK honestly, because he’s dead.

“That’s sick, Jack.” says Meredith Aby.

Jack laughs. But then he looks confused.

“Jack! We’re not necessarily straight.” says Meredith Aby.

“Whatever! I’m not going to fall for it!” says JFK.

“Fall for what?!” asks Janet Pladson.

“The lies!” says JFK.

“That Lacey is straight.” says Janet Pladson.

“No! That’s just a joke. I mean the lies they tell us.” says JFK.

“The lies they tell us?!” asks Meredith Aby.

“Yes! You’ve been lied to too.” says JFK exasperated.

“About what?” asks Meredith Aby.

“We’re not homosexuals. Lacey and Lem ARE!” yells JFK. “I’ve caught them!”

“How?!” asks a lacrosse player of JFK.

“Don’t be so sure!” says JFK like an authority figure on all matters of sex.

The lacrosse team laughs. But controls themselves.

“Jack you have lots of interesting theories, I bet.” says Meredith Aby.

“Jack, what did they do?” asks Treb Allen.

“They had sex.” says JFK.

“Who?!” asks Daniel Bronson.

“Lacey and Lem!” says JFK with suspicion.

“Huh. That’s weird if they’re gay.” says a cheerleader sincerely.

“No!! It’s not!” says JFK.

“But Jack that’s a vagina and penis.” says Treb Allen slowly.

“Yeah!” says JFK in exaltation of his self-perceived genius breakthrough.

“How is that not heterosexual sex?” asks Treb Allen slowly.

“Because it’s…not valid!” shouts JFK.

“Why isn’t it valid?!” asks Meredith Aby in fear.

Jack smiles. Laughs. “Because! They’re not really heterosexual!”

“Mmm…I’m not so sure about that.” says Daniel Bronson. “Jack…did they look to be enjoying themselves? When they were having intercourse with each other?”

“Of course they did!” says JFK. “That’s what’s so evil about it.”

“Huh. So…you think we should do what? Force them both into sex slavery with the same gender?” asks Daniel Bronson.

“Well yeah! Or torture them to death slowly?” says JFK.

“How are their genitals not valid?” asks Daniel Bronson of JFK.

“Because I say so?” says JFK. “I’m J. F. K.” he says asserting his position.

“How does that allow you that sexual authority?” asks Daniel Bronson.

And at that JFK fades away to almost nothing.

“Jack…I don’t think you really know what you’re talking about.” says Daniel Bronson to JFK.

“Okay!” shouts JFK at Daniel. “But what is that?! Like…that’s not heterosexual sex!”

“Jack prepare yourself.” says Daniel Bronson. “I worry that that’s actual heterosexual sex.”

JFK looks repulsed. “Eww!!”

“What’s so weird about it?” asks Daniel Bronson.

“They’re so…gross!” says JFK.

“The whole penis in the vagina thing?” asks the Kurt Cobain fan.

“Yeah whatever. That’s just the facts of life. I get it. I do that too. But…it’s weird to be so…gross about it. Like…just get it over with. That’s not honest!” says JFK.

“Umm…why?!” asks Palm Beach.

“Because it’s not homosexual in an honest way.” says JFK, explaining.

“Why doesn’t God explain this to you?!” scoffs Palm Beach as insult to Lacey.

“Because we should?” asks Krigler.

“Why should we have to?!” says Palm Beach.

“Jack! You were gay!!” yells Daniel Bronson at JFK. “Only God knows what’s best for you now. But you were gay!”

Is Jack still in denial about that? It looks like it to Lacey, whether that’s accurate for him today or not. And it’s terrifying.

“You’re implying DANIEL that they AREN’T homosexual?!” asks JFK.

“Yes, Jack.” says Daniel patiently.

“Eww!!!” says JFK. “Ewww!” He stands-up marches off and Bobby Kennedy Jr. tries to convince Lacey she’s a man.

“We have no soul gender!” shouts Meredith Aby at Lacey. “YOU’RE A MAN IF YOU THREATEN MY PERCEPTION OF REALITY!”

“No. I’ve never been a man. I’m not a man. And I’m straight. Like actually straight.” says Lacey.

“But then I’m really not sure how to feel better than you anymore.” says Meredith Aby. “And that’s essential.”

“I’m wealthier than you. And I grew-up in West Bloomington. I’m also handsome now.” says Daniel to Meredith Aby. “Bet you didn’t see that coming.”

“That’s not true!” says Treb Allen. “Is it?!”

“It might be.” says Thomas Jefferson.

Insane in the Brain by Cypress Hill plays.

Treb dances with his Hispanic, Hemingway-fan-girl, big boobed, very bourgeois wife. They dance on tables wearing American Apparel. Worry they’ll get hurt. …They…are huge posers.

Hype Me Up by Wiz Khalifa plays.

“Damn. You sell kids?” asks a Satanist in the Illuminati of Treb Allen.

“No!” he says.

“Then why you suggesting otherwise?” asks the Satanist in the Illuminati.

“We’re cool?” says Treb.

“That’s what your elders are doing now, dawg.” says the Satanist in the Illuminati to Treb.

“I like Hemingway. Not them.” says Lacey.

“I OWN Hemingway with my degree from Williams College, Treb’s ass, my ministry in the minority community as a Chicano QUEEN and my tits.” says Treb’s wife.

“No. No. No. And…I doubt it.” says Lacey to Treb’s wife.

“I don’t like your breasts as far as breasts go.” says Ernest Hemingway to Treb’s wife.

“We’re not like the Lost Generation are we?” asks Treb’s wife.

“No! Don’t. Your generation is sort of like the Lost Generation. But…you’re definitely not us. You’re very different people.” says Ernest Hemingway.

“So then Lacey’s better than them?!?” scoffs Chris Hayes, in shock.

“Her father possibly inspired The Great Gatsby!” says Lem.

“Some people sadly…are superior. It’s just reality. And it’s extremely complicated. Let’s be adults.” says the Kurt Cobain fan who got rich on Bitcoin.

“You played the cello?” asks Nancy.

“What did you play?” she asks Nancy.

Tech bros roll their eyes.

“Nothing.” says Nancy.

“I played second violin?” says a Native American woman.

“Figures!” says Kurt Cobain with disdain.

“Is that a bad section?!” asks the Native American woman, confused.

“Did you play in it?” asks Scott.

She refuses to answer. “I thought it was a trick question.” says the Native American woman.

“It was.” says Nils Nesheim.

“So…that’s one of the many ways you outed yourself as a liar. God knows either way.” says Saint Mary.

“I was determined to use her to prove myself innocent!” says Chris Hayes.

More.