“Kem” by the gay Illuminati

“I demand to be left out of this.” says Anderson Cooper, wisely.

Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet plays.

“Why?” asks a group of 40 gay men of Lem. “We’re like…experts on you, if that’s even possible.”

“Based on mostly fabricated evidence.” says Gloria Swanson. “And the evidence you do have is tawdry bullshit you pulled out of your ass in wet dream.”

“So he was gay?!” ask 3 million panting, emotionally desperate, lonely gay men.

“No. …He was one of us!” says Gloria Swanson mockingly. “I’m just telling you what you want to hear.” She rolls her eyes. “Honestly…he was probably…gay?” She laughs. “Do you want to hear the truth or evil?”

They look disturbed.

“Choose truth!” says Max.

“We don’t all want to.” they say.

“Then for the those who like truth: No. And for those who love lies: Yeah! Sure! He was gay!” says Gloria Swanson.

“So he was gay?” they all ask, acting confused.

“No. That’s not what I said.” says Gloria Swanson. “Lem was straight.” she whispers.

They look confused and then flustered.

Then 80% of them start wailing. They cognitively cannot handle hearing that Lem was actually heterosexual. They feel like they’re going literally insane.

“How do you handle it?” asks Ireland of Anderson Cooper.

“It’s simple.” says Mr. Cooper. “It’s just…one man. And there’s not much evidence at all to suggest he was gay. And…it’s…sad. …Do I seem gay?”

Ireland is shocked. “So it’s all that he was bisexual or straight?” asks Ireland.

“Yup.” says Anderson Cooper. “He seems straight to me.”

“Why?” asks Ireland, suspecting foul play.

“No! You answer my question.” says Anderson Cooper.

“You seem…heterosexual.” says Ireland. “Dammit!”

“He’s always seemed bisexual or gay to me. Maybe pansexual?” says Lacey. “I recall hearing women swoon over him and feeling it was…gross. Thinking of him as bisexual I can allow myself to see why he’s considered attractive by women. But…he doesn’t seem…straight to me in this fallen world.” says Lacey defiantly of evil. “I should say possibly bisexual.”

“Possibly bisexual.” says Ireland.

“Yes. It’s unclear.” says Lacey.

“That’s so accurate it’s boring.” says Ireland.

“What do you want? Evil?” asks Lacey.

“Oh goody goody!” says Ireland and the gay men from before.

“How do you all figure I’m sleeping with Lacey if I’m still gay and it’s not evil insanity?” asks Lem.

“We have a bobble.” they all say sincerely.

“A bobble?!” asks Lem.

“You want one too!” they say giggling, creepily.

“What’s a bobble?” asks Lem, horrified.

“You’re a boy!” they say.

“No. I’m dead. And I’m actually…18.” says Lem. “And Lacey is 20. Right now.”

They go into shock.

“What’s a bobble?” asks Lem.

“Mc Griddlecock.” they say smugly. “We know you’re lying.”

“Then how am I Lem and making love to her?” asks Lem.

“Mmm… Walter Baggins is my favorite Beatle.” they say sincerely.

“Who is Walter Baggins?” asks Gloria Swanson.

“Dean Cupworth.” they say as if it’s a real explanation.

“Dean Cupworth.” says Gloria Swanson.

They laugh as if it’s a shared joke.

“What’s so funny?” asks Gloria Swanson.

“Lem was gay. We can see him.” they say.

“Oh! Describe him!” says Gloria Swanson.

“He’s handsome. Six feet. Medium brown to lighter brown hair. Glasses. …He looks…like Harold Loeb. But he’s Lem.” they say.

“Is his name Max?” asks Gloria.

“Yes!” they say.

“Max?!?” yells Gloria.

“No. He’s Lem. But we call him Max.” they say.

“Are you sure his names not Max?” asks Jenna Fischer.

“He says he’s had heroin, he’s had sex with Lacey…and…he looks like Lem.” they say.

“Is that Lem or Harold Loeb or Louis?” asks Gloria Swanson. “Or does he mean heroin metaphorically?”

They look worried.

“Okay. Lacey knew Anderson Cooper was…not…straight or something like that?” they say.

“Yes!” says Gloria.

“What the heck?!” they say.

“She’s gifted.” says Gloria.

“How does she know?!” they ask.

“She just does.” says Gloria.

“So she doesn’t go by mannerisms or stereotypes or…people’s perceptions.” say all gay men.

“She isn’t your average person.” says Gloria.

“So…Lem was probably straight.” say a significant number of them. “That’s actually disturbing.”

“So…Lacey’s parents made $90,000.00 a year and donated $15,000.00. Did they pay the pastor’s salary?” asks Wanda.

“Yes!” says the CIA.

“And Jim is rich today?” asks Wanda.

“Pretty much.” says the CIA.

“That’s sad. And I bet Lacey is being cheated out of it by his second wife? So she’s inherited what she will from him?” asks Wanda.

“We’ll see.” says the CIA. “The Illuminati faked a proposal and rigged it up so she’d lose her literal inheritance on that side. Just out of spite and the peasant class of the majority of the current Illuminati.”

“Does she care that much?” asks Wanda.

Bobby suddenly tries to psychically sexually attack Lacey.

“No. Not beyond honor and safety.” says the CIA.

“I’m fucking the CIA!” Bobby Kennedy Jr. announces.

“How?!” asks the CIA.

“I wrote CIA on a piece of paper and then used Illuminati witches…to astral project myself spiritually onto the paper to fuck the concept.” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Who’s Max?!?” the gay men ask.

“Did it work?” asks the CIA.

“No? Yes?” says Bobby Kennedy Jr..

“Apparently I dated him?” says Lacey to the gay men.

“I worry Max is really just Harold Loeb.” says Jan Hertel.

“No. It’s not that clear.” says a Rothschild.

“You’d have to search through lots of yearbooks for decades to find him if he exists.” says Lacey. “Meticulously.”

“He looks like me?” asks Al Franken.

“Yes. But so do a lot of other Jewish men in the same way.” says Lacey.

“I may have just been a rich brat from the Twin Cities.” says Max.

“Where did you go to school?” asks Lem.

“Carlton.” says Max.

“What did you major in?” asks Al Capone.

“Physics.” says Max. “I’m probably brilliant.”

“Why drugs?!?” asks Al Franken.

“Because I was a rich, spoiled brat.” says Max.

“And so what?” asks Al Franken.

“I was dead.” says Max.

“When?” asks Al Franken.

“Now!!” yells Max.

“Don’t mock me!” yells Al Franken.

“Huh.” says Max.

“You’re a Jew.” says Al.

“Shows what you know.” says Max.

“I’m funny.” says Al Franken.

“Hi.” says Max.

“Hi?” says Al.

“So now what?” says Max. He laughs.

“I don’t speak your language of humor.” says Al Franken.

“You speak French?” asks Max.

“What?!?” asks Al.

“Yup. Gotta go. You’re too smart for me.” says Max. “Shows me. Try to have fun with a real certified smart person and come to find out he’s just too smart.”

“I’ll banter with you!” says Lem.

“Nah. You’re already-“ says Max. “It’s disrespectful. Be careful. She’s devastated. I can tell.”

“How bad is it?” asks Lem.

“On a scale of 1 to 10?!?” asks Max.

“Yeah.” says Lem.

“Oh about an 8.” says Max.

“When do I lose her?” asks Lem.

“That’s entirely up to you.” says Max.

“Then I don’t.” says Lem.

“Yeah.” says Max. “Then go into her kind, loving mind with her love for you and your help.”

More tomorrow.