“I wasn’t trying to just sleep with Lacey. She was extremely hot.” says Alex.
“Okay. So it’s really that brutal?” asks Casi.
“What the fuck?!” says Dr. Moritz.
“Yes.” says Harold Loeb, confused.
“Lacey is Brett Ashley’s nun twin sister.” says Hemingway, half seriously and half sarcastically.
“What the hell are you attached to?“ the Illuminati asks Lacey, sincerely.
“Great Britain and God…and I’d love to be attached to a man. My kids are attached to me permanently and I will never sever that bond. I will always protect it in Christ…but I can’t seem to figure out how to to do it with a man. Lem claims to be my twin flame. Michael is married to me. Louis keeps showing-up and now here’s Harold, showing up again as well. Joe says that it’s just him and that I’m being evil and denying him and a tramp by sleeping with Lem. Although I don’t think he even knows that it’s Lem. I think he thinks I’m sleeping with I don’t know…the Jolly Green Giant.” says Lacey.
“I am baffled as to how the people don’t understand what torture that is for her. She’s a very securely attached person because of her father; they’re inseparable, and so based on her two months of parenting, she is capable of being a good mother, and finding a father for her kids, who is at least suitable, and arguably, is probably a somewhat supportive friend, which is incredibly functional considering everything that she’s been through and it isn’t just her intelligence. …It’s also the fact that somehow her father held her and that got into her head and affected the way she sees the world…and you know if she’s not, if she’s not biologically illegitimate, then maybe it was God…but I have a very strong suspicion that she actually was physically held by Tom in his living room, and that she understood what non-sexual parental love was supposed to feel like based on him, which is why she’s not more screwed-up. I have a feeling he was a very loving, very determined and good father and what makes me angry is that people would assume he’s very evil. I don’t think he probably was.” says a female psychologist reading this blog.
“It’s Hell watching her go through this, absolute torture!” says Michael. “Because I could’ve been alive and there’s no way for me to explain that to her in a way that’s genuinely convincing to her or anyone else, but I think she’s open to the idea in a way that is rare and beautiful and extremely intelligent. But yes, if she’s illegitimate, she was held by her father, and honestly a lot of animosity she has towards her family comes from feeling like she was stolen from him.”
“So if you are illegitimate for real, and I’m sure the mafia and maybe the Illuminati but OK, maybe not Illuminati, but the mafia probably knows, and your first formative memories or probably the only ones that matter to you psychologically were formed in that lovely house your father owned outright from the very beginning that’s today worth around $1 million and were spent in that living room, smelling smoke and probably hearing old music and probably sleeping in a crib in a study or a library or something. I have a feeling that your father had a temper, but that he calmed down really quickly when he was holding you or to help you or something so by the time you were two or three months old, you were well aware of who you were because you probably have a bizarrely higher level of intelligence that’s almost impossible to test accurately and what scares me is that you can’t figure me out…because I assumed that you’d be able to. I am going to have to ask you to stop pretending to be a Nesheim or a Seay for those people I mean like if we’re wrong, or if the Illuminati knows that you’re not or whatever then OK but if you are capable of being yourself, try to analyze me from that perspective.” says Casi.
“And to be honest with you Casi I don’t know if it’s quite that simple. You as an archetype are not in my head. I can’t I even try to locate you to make some reference in my mind and I can’t figure you out.
I can figure Lem out and I’m quite sure that he’s attracted to me and I think he probably was straight and that’s not baffling to me. But I can’t figure you out because it’s just-I try to analyze you and I get stuck. It’s it’s just like I am not allowed to analyze you somehow and it’s not it’s not like I would be attracted to you sweetie if that’s what you’re thinking it’s more that you just baffle me. I was always baffled by it and amused and and when I said it was funny that you thought that post was about you, I meant it literally. I thought it was very very funny because it wasn’t about you at all. I meant it in a way but in a way that everything is sort of woven together in our experiences. …I I I I really can’t figure you out. It’s possible that I would’ve never been exposed to people like you, or you just wouldn’t have existed.” says Lacey.
“So you really have no idea how to reference her in your head?” asks Alex.
“I have no idea how to reference you. Or what you are doing right now because it feels like psychically you’re attacking me. What do you mean? Or am I sensing something else?” says Lacey to Alex.
“I’m a jerk.” says Alex.
“How?” asks Lacey.
“I just wanted sex.” says Alex.
“That’s not a thing.” says Lacey. “Not really.”
“Okay. Then what was I doing?” asks Alex.
“You were a beggar.” says Lacey. “Of sorts.”
Love Again by Dua Lipa plays.
“Do you think I was lying?” asks Alex.
“I think you were desperate.” says Lacey.
“How desperate?” he asks.
“Very.” says Lacey.
“So it’s not a compliment? Or it is?” asks Alex.
“No. It’s not. Coming from you. Your sex is worthless. Unless otherwise stated clearly and almost legally. But…that being said…I suspect you had fairly decent tastes.” says Lacey. “So I guess I’m sold at a nice restaurant if it’s food to you. So it’s a compliment to me very vaguely.”
“Eww!” he says with enormous self-perceived authority.
“I don’t know what that means.” says Lacey.
“I mean you’re eww!” he says.
“How?” asks Lacey.
“Because! You’re hot!” he says.
“You didn’t like my boobs?” asks Lacey. “There are no other flaws. Literally.” She thinks. “And that flaw is debatable.”
“Yeah!” he says, like she’s pure evil.
“Yeah what?” asks Lacey.
“I actually liked them.” he says.
“Okay. Then what’s your point?” asks Lacey.
“I’m trying to reject you.” he says.
“Why is that so difficult?” asks Lacey.
Crazy In Love by Beyoncé plays.
He laughs. “I’m not sure. It’s just not pleasant.”
“Should I help you?” asks Lacey.
He thinks about it. Dances in place.
“Yeah.” he says.
“I’m too tall.” says Lacey.
“For me.” he says.
“Yes!” says Lacey.
“Yeah…but I feel weirdly beholden to you.” he says.
“You shouldn’t have slept with me.” says Lacey.
“NO!” he says.
“No regrets?” says Lacey.
“Yeah.” he confesses.
“That’s nonsense.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. You’re right.” he says. “But you’re hurt.”
“Yeah. But oh well.” says Lacey. “That’s my life.”
Stronger by Kanye West plays.
“Why are you hurt?” he asks.
“Because it’s sex.” says Lacey.
Later.
Stronger by Kanye West plays.
“You’re not going to ever see me again.” he says.
“That’s not true unless you go to Hell.” says Lacey.
“Is there Hell?” he asks, sincerely.
“Yes.” says Lacey. “I think.”
“You know…I’m confusing.” he says.
“Yeah. I wish we’d never met.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. Would we be friends?” he asks.
“You hate me.” says Lacey.
“You had solid conspiracy theories.” he says. “About the media being filled with subliminal messages.”
“Yeah. You’re gullible.” says Lacey. “It scares me.”
“How?” he asks.
“You trust people too much. But I’m not sure you have a choice.” says Lacey.
He laughs. “It’s not a choice.”
“You’re a good leader in sports I bet. But…we’re not a good match romantically. We seem more like a comedy routine.” says Lacey.
“Then why do you keep channeling me?” he asks.
“Because I lost my virginity to you.” says Lacey.
“Yeah.” he says.
“You suggested that you were doing that to add to your…resume?” says Lacey.
He cries.
“Yeah. Well. Do you still brag about it?” says Lacey.
He thinks. “Yeah.” he says.
“Then I’m unlikely to stop channeling you.” says Lacey.
“What did you get out of that?” he asks.
“Being able to laugh at you.” says Lacey, lovingly if possible.
“That’s not funny.” he says.
“No. But you’re stuck being you.” says Lacey. She laughs.
He thinks. “I like being me.”
“I liked you too until you were mean.” says Lacey.
He laughs. “And tried to sleep with you.”
“You did.” says Lacey. “Eww indeed. But you know, you are kind of attractive. It’s not that.”
“You’re a bitch!” he says, trying to walk off. He suddenly finds her attractive.
“My goodness!” says Lacey. “Why aren’t you married?!”
He looks sad.
“Why?” asks Lacey.
He cries.
“It’s not that easy.” he says. He lays down on the sofa by her in his mind.
“True.” says Lacey.
Rules by Doja Cat plays.
“So what will you do if you don’t find someone?” asks Lacey.
He sits up. Stares at her.
“No. Really? Are you a secret nun too?” asks Lacey.
He thinks. “I’m not that old.”
“You’re a man. True.” says Lacey.
“I’m sorry.” he says.
“You know…you acted on some instinct though. And that’s more healthy than most men today.” says Lacey.
He laughs. “You really think men today are that contrived?”
“Yes. I think people have become very fake in the last 10 years especially.” says Lacey.
“Why!?” he asks.
“They have something to hide?” says Lacey.
“They probably do.” he says.
“Yeah. Too bad we’re all suffering.” says Lacey. “So damn much.”
Milkshake (Radio Mix) by Kelis plays.
“What did you want from sex that night?” asks Alex.
“That day.” says Lacey.
He stares at her.
“You don’t remember?” asks Lacey.
He thinks.
Telephone by Lady Gaga plays.
(Adult content below)
“We had sex in my bedroom. In Minnesota. I’m Minneapolis. And I are afterwards. And it was day.” he says. “What do you see?!?”
“Yeah. I can go back.” says Lacey.
“What do I smell like?!” he asks in shock.
She smells him. “Yeah. I thought you were a larger man. You are handsome!” says Lacey. “That day was awful!”
“Oh my god!” he says. “Why?”
“What was that movie you had us watching?” asks Lacey.
He laughs.
“Superbad.” he says.
“Yeah. Why?” asks Lacey.
“Because you were about to lose your virginity.” says Alex.
“Did you have no respect for me at all?” asks Lacey.
He cries.
“It’s a bad movie.” he says.
“Were you consciously trying to insult me or not?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah.” he says.
And at that Lacey takes a knife and stabs him in the gut and then in the face. And then spits on him and lights him on fire.
“Go meet Jesus, you wannabe worm.” says Lacey. “He has drapery to fuck with your hard cock.”
He reanimates. She puts a noose around his neck.
Beautiful by Snopp Dogg as mannish women dance mindlessly. And Casi bounces her tits up and down like sacks of flours.
“Don’t bother me.” Lacey says to Alex.
“But I have to keep talking to you.” says Alex.
“Yes.” says Lacey.
“Okay.” he says.
“Why were you OBSESSED with humiliating me?” asks Lacey.
“Because you seemed rich.” he says.
“Oh! And pure?” asks Lacey.
“Yes.” he says. “You intimidated me.”
“Yeah. Except you asked me out.” says Lacey.
I Got 5 On It by Luniz plays.
“I was in love with you.” he says with the noose around his neck. Sitting on his sofa in Minneapolis in the afterlife. No Lacey would never stab him unless he tried to literally stab her first.
“When?” asks Lacey.
“The beginning.” he says.
“Then maybe I shouldn’t have stabbed you. But since you’re not dead yet we’re fine. I’ll research it.” says Lacey.
“Cool.” he says. He removes the noose.
“I’m sorry you fell in love with me.” says Lacey.
“It shouldn’t be a problem. Someday.” says Alex.
“Yeah.” says Lacey.
“What should I have done? If I was in love?” he asks.
“Not take me to a cartoon. Not be so…crass. Maybe we could have made dinner? Or talked a lit more.” says Lacey.
“What did I do wrong? List:
1. No cartoons
2. No truly cheesy movies
3. Dinner not drinks
4. We should have kept in touch.” he says.
“Yes!” says Lacey. “We should have stayed friends on Facebook. I felt I needed to unfriend you.”
“You wrote me.” he says.
“Yes. Before the Illuminati came for blood.” says Lacey.
Five Variants of ‘Dives and Lazarus’ by Vaughn Williams plays.
“Yeah. Do you think they’re real?” he asks.
“Good question! Maybe.” says Lacey.
“But it’s really creepy.” he says.
“Yeah. But that’s life. For me.” says Lacey.
Strangers by Kenya Grace.
“So you’ve never had like a normal happy experience ever in life other than stuff that’s related to being old money?” asks Alex.
“No everything that I’ve ever experienced that’s at all happy in any real way is unfortunately 100% related to either me loving my kids or being old money. There’s literally nothing else, everything everything literally. Umm…I maybe could probably try to think of something, but umm…I don’t think it exists because that’s really the only thing I’ve ever experienced of any value honestly. Although I’m not ungrateful for it it’s beautiful it’s not that it’s not valuable it’s just it’s not the, you know, meaning of life. No, it’s some it’s something to aspire to. It’s not the purpose of existence.” says Lacey.
“Joe, you told everyone in America that it was the purpose of existence about 100 years ago and people believed you, which is sad.” says Dr. Butkiss.
“There was nothing about what we did? Like anything that was all that valuable to you at all at all?” asks Alex.
“No not at all. I would love to be your friend in Heaven but I wish I’d never met you except for the fact that if this is real, you seem slightly concerned about my humanity, which is nice if you’re sincere but it’s entirely related to being old money. We would never be having this conversation if I wasn’t old money. No there’s nothing, there’s nothing about that night that I would ever wanna relive or really even think about for more than a few minutes for the purposes of somehow trying process through it. There’s nothing that I would want to experience again for any sort of pleasurable value. I’m sorry.” says Lacey.
“I just wanna say I read her blog and I feel really special right now Alex because I know that if you met me you’d think I was like really great and you’d fall in love with me and I would really like the sex that we had and I’m just really proud of myself for being better than Lacey.” say 10 living women reading Lacey’s blog.
“Lacey would I actually find those women attractive or do you not know?” asks Alex.
“You know you might and you might not. I really don’t know. I’d be careful because I would be surprised if you were a good match for any of them but it’s possible that you might be.” says Lacey.
“I should’ve just kept you there that day. I should’ve just kept you there.” says Alex.
“Well you werehaving a dinner party was I appropriately dressed enough I can’t even recall?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah, I mean you looked sort of nerdy but you were extraordinarily beautiful and very well groomed…and there were girls there that I was hoping to hook-up with and there were guys there who probably would’ve wanted to hook up with you. My roommates were really awkward around you.” says Alex.
“What did you guys eat?” asks Lacey.
“It was good. It was a good dinner. Is that why you’re angry?” asks Alex.
“Yes, I felt snubbed. It seemed like you had no idea the level of appreciation I would have for good food. I mean you made that salmon and that was excellent. I was very impressed, sincerely.“ says Lacey.
“I had nothing to do with that salmon, that was one of my roommates, but no, the food was really good that night. What would you have done? It would’ve been awkward. I would’ve been hitting on other people.” he says.
“Would you have warned me?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah, I might’ve said, ‘We’re not a couple and there’s people here that I’d like to be able to talk to you if it’s not too awkward do you feel comfortable just making your way around the room or would you like me to introduce you as my friend or someone that I just hooked up with?’” he asks.
“I specifically said that I didn’t want what we were doing to turn into hooking-up. I literally used those words, so no I would not have appreciated you introducing me as a person you had just hooked-up with. Was I appropriately dressed?” asks Lacey.
“Yes, you were appropriately dressed. Would you have just made your way around the room?” he asks, flustered.
“You know I’m just mad you had a dinner party that day. You clearly weren’t interested in me as much as you seem to think you were. I don’t know, I can’t figure you out. You’re a mystery. But I’m angry you had a dinner party in Minneapolis the day you took my virginity. I’ve always wanted to go to a real dinner party as an adult. I am brilliant at dinner parties! I am a genius cook, but I don’t know how to make small talk with bitches and bastards in hoes.” says Lacey.
“I mean, obviously was totally unrelated to you, but I get your point it was weird timing.” says Alex.
“Yes, it could’ve been you know some sort of coincidence…but it was extraordinarily painful and that sounds so silly but it’s not, believe it or not, it’s very deep and extremely painful to me to this day.“ says Lacey.
“I could tell you appreciated that salmon, I don’t think he ever really did.” says the guy who made it.
“I knew you thought that. You were all embarrassed by him that night. I couldn’t quite understand that, the dynamics of all of you. But it was very awkward but that was amazing salmon.” says Lacey.
“I cooked like that a lot.” he says.
“That’s exhausting. I mean not really exhausting, but it’s sort of exhausting.” says Lacey.
Brandenburg Concerto No. 3 In G Major by Johann Sebastian Bach.
“I liked you. I like you more now. You would’ve been good for him. I don’t think he would’ve been good for you but I think you would’ve been good for him. But you would probably be good for anybody so that isn’t really saying anything. What did you like about that salmon?“ he asks.
“It was moist and flavorful, but still perfectly intact, and it had this delightful sort of crispiness in the skin but it wasn’t overly crispy. It was just the absolute perfect consistency all the way through. It was light and flavorful and incredibly satisfying. It didn’t weigh you down and it didn’t make you feel like you’re eating too much. But it was also very satisfying. It was it was amazing. It was very good.” says Lacey.
“Do you know Lem wasn’t a good cook. He appreciated good food but he wasn’t a good cook and I just have to point that out that Lacey is an excellent cook. Lem was not a good cook he he really wasn’t what they make him out to be. Lacey is what they pretend he was.” says a historian in the Illuminati.
Gila by Beach House plays as a table supernaturally falls to the floor on Israel.
“I slept with another woman that night.” says Alex. “In the same bed.” says Alex.
“Were you trying to be as hurtful as you could muster?” asks Randolph Murdaugh.
“No. We just hooked-up.” says Alex
“Was she ugly or a ditz?” asks Lacey.
“How do you know that?” he asks.
“I saw your photos on Facebook.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. She’s ugly and bitchy. But we had great sex.” says Alex.
“Yeah right!” says Lem. “You had better than shit sex.”
“It was bad?” asks Alex.
“Yeah. It was.” says Lem. “I just showed Lacey and she’s thinks it’s boring.”
“It’s vile. That being said…it looks like you had a very different experience with it. It looks…very intimate and tender.” says Lacey. “You two were in love.”
“She was my girlfriend.” he says.
“No she wasn’t.” says Lacey.
“I don’t think we should have had sex.” says Alex.
“No. It’s one huge regret. But…you concern me. I’ll pray for you.” says Lacey.
Blue Boy by Mac DeMarco plays.
Keen to Cross the Pond 