Why

Emperor Waltz by Johann Strauss II plays.

“Why did you decide to make Lacey Banks a sacrifice.” says Tom Banks.

“I’m demon possessed, if there’s an Illuminati and my demon told me to. When Diego suggested it. He was really scared.” says Chris Hayes.

“Why was Diego scared?” asks Al Franken.

“Because he felt that Lacey wasn’t loved by God.” says Chris Hayes.

The Monster by Eminem plays.

“Yeah. He told me that too.” says Erin.

“What did he say exactly?” asks the perfume community.

“He said that after reading Lacey extensively…with several Hispanic readers…he knew…God didn’t love her. And it terrified him.” says the FBI.

“He was aware that she can’t ‘break’ because she’s not bourgeois. It’s backwards, according to him. She’s secretly just a genuinely haughty woman.” says Chris. “But I have always struggled to believe that.”

“Why?!?” asks Joan from MSNBC. “My gut sense tells me he’s right.”

“She’s staying alive for her kids.” says a Rockefeller.

“Why did Diego? Because he was horny. And he saw an opportunity to use telepathy to have sex with a woman he found attractive. He used Chris’s online accounts on social media as cover to do it. …She was so convenient with her psychic abilities and sweetness. And she thought she was talking to Chris. Or rather, you potentially, Chris. She wasn’t sure what was going on.

And then Diego freaked out.” says Al Roker.

“Diego didn’t freak out!” says Chris Hayes.

“Yes. I did. You’re not like your persona.” says Diego. “And she was scaring me.”

“She was weird!” says Chris.

“No. She was rude.” says Diego. “Stop speaking to me in Spanish Jess. I don’t want to think about it. I was evil OK? I fell apart. What do you want me to say? They’re rich people.”

“Just because I am married to someone who makes a lot of money doesn’t mean that I’m not still Hispanic.” says Jess.

“Yeah, he’s a white guy isn’t he? And you married him. I didn’t have that kind of luck!” says Diego.

“It wasn’t luck Diego. I went to school and worked really hard for over four years and I wore perfect jewelry, perfect hair, perfect make-up, perfect clothes and I had all the right friends. I said all the right things. I did everything perfectly. And I got his attention, and he was in awe of me and he still is.” says Jess.

“OK fine Jess but you were raised in America and I’ve read your accounts. I’ve read you out of curiosity and I ahh…I don’t know. I guess I’m not neurodivergent enough or something or maybe I’m too neurodivergent. Maybe if I had been raised in the United States in a lower middle class family in the Midwest and I had gone to a nice school where old money people go and I had turned their heads. I too could be living like you and not running around the world, hiding from people who want to kill me.” says Diego.

“What would you have become Diego if you’d gone to UND?” asks Jess.

“Is that the kind of questions that you people ask people?” asks Diego. “Because it’s a great question but I have no idea how to answer that question.”

“Are you hitting on me right now slightly Diego?” asks Jess.

“I mean hell yeah you’re not Lacey Banks, but shit you’re hot and I’m a slut.” says Diego.

“Diego answer my question.” says Jess.

“Well honestly at this point I can’t think. I can’t think that way, but the best thing I can think of is that you know if I had had the foresight at that time that you’re hypothetically creating probably an anthropologist. I really I would’ve loved to have been like an anthropologist.” says Diego.

“Diego I think that you are ghost of a dead, Hispanic man and I think you’re very protective. Except just kidding no I think in honesty that that’s a really hard thing to do but given your level of intelligence you probably could’ve done it…and I’m not gonna grieve that pain for you.” says Jess.

“Hey Jess, I’m in the Illuminati. I fucked Selma Hayek and you’re right I probably could be at-I could’ve been another apologist. No you want to be me. But the truth is you don’t really want to be me. I wish I was you! You have no idea how awful this world is Jess.” says Diego. “But I’ll grieve. I’ll grieve my pain. I’ll grab my pain in Purgatory right cause I’m a ghost and there’s no afterlife. Jesus is just a joke. …Just kidding it’s not a joke. He’s the only reason I could ever exist. I’ve lived through what some people like to call hell.”

Blue Boy by Mac DeMarco plays.