Interview With Lacey Banks

“So you spent the first two months of your life if you’re illegitimate at all on Drew Avenue in Minneapolis, near Lake Calhoun in a house that is currently worth around $1 million.” the woman asks of Lacey.

“Yeah it’s around $1 million probably. I don’t know if it’s a little more than that now or a little less but it’s probably around $1 million and yes from probably sometime in the beginning of September or late September until November 22. I was probably happy as a clam in that house.” says Lacey.

“And your father bought that house outright in 1930 something?” asks the woman.

“Yes he made money from bootlegging and he made money from investing in real estate and owning a hotel and a nightclub or two and yeah, he was a very wealthy man.” says Lacey.

“Oh and your mother was probably a very overwrought overworked, wild stewardess with high cheekbones. Who could’ve probably been a model if she’d been taller or something.” says the woman.

“Yes. Yep and I don’t know if she’s dead or alive.” says Lacey.

“Hey I don’t think your father would’ve named you Lacey but if he did it’s because you were born in 1983 and he’s your father and he understands that you need an age-appropriate name or he likes that name. Was he Irish at all?” she asks.

“I don’t think he was no. And he wasn’t Jewish either seemingly he was seemingly old German, Dutch, possibly French and British.” says Lacey.

“So the Ritter is a German?” asks a man.

“Yes in me it’s German. In Thelma Ritter the movie star who you keeping being obsessed with referring to in your head when you think of me instead of John Ritter, yes it’s Jewish. It was German for John Ritter though as well. Tex Ritter was not a Jew and actually, John Ritter might be a distant cousin of mine. Hi He talks to me sometimes and he’s very protective.” says Lacey.

“They conjure John Ritter, or he appears on his own because he’s worried about you?” asks the man.

“They conjured me because they were worried about her. Some people in this world aren’t assholes.

I’m John Ritter talking to you and no I wasn’t Jewish either even though I got asked that a lot. Thelma Ritter was apparently much more impactful than people realize.” says John Ritter.

“Are you actually related to her grandmother?” asks the man.

“That’s something that God is not allowing me to be clear on at the moment, but it’s possible that I am distantly. Lacey and I have a somewhat similar sense of humor, and it might be genetic.” says John Ritter.

“You know you look a little bit like the father that raised her.” says Sheri Craft.

“Yeah they thought it was very clever that Jim looked so much like Tom when Tom was young. I mean they’re not identical, but they looked enough alike that I think they thought it was a pretty clean false birth, so to speak. If she’s illegitimate, and she might not be right but if she is, they thought they were being very clever, very clever and they were meticulous about it because Tom would’ve wanted his daughter to have a good life.

It’s sad. I mean it’s sad that she would’ve been better off being raised by an old woman who was a whore and slept with Tom for his money at times, even though she was actually also in love with him, because that really was a better home…than a married couple, who went to church every Sunday. If Lacey could’ve had her kids in Heaven I am mad.

Something you might not know is that there could be a heart condition that runs in my family that’s very easy to miss so it’s very possible that if the Illuminati had left her alone, she would’ve died of a heart attack in her 60s or 70s on her own…and they would’ve had nothing to do with it. I mean even if they helped kill me I was already vulnerable so if they just left her alone she probably would’ve died with very gentle demonic coaxing, so to speak. In her 50s? And then her kids would’ve been adults and I don’t know I have a feeling they probably would’ve been fine or she would’ve found a way to bring them to the ‘other side.’ But as I’m telling you this right now they’re trying to suffocate her spiritually.

Now…I have a very good sense of humor. It’s it’s not him something that people recognize anymore though because I’m dead. I’ve been dead now for a while but when I was alive people still knew my sense of humor.

And there’s times I’ve wondered if my television show was a spoof of my cousin through Lacey, Lem Billings because I was pretending to be gay…and yet I don’t think my character was gay. And if that’s the case it’s possible that my family has been very angry at Lem for a while. Funny, they’re not as angry at the Kennedys even though the Kennedys are attacking her right now, they’re angry at that Lem. And they’re right, that’s how we work. Because if she had more peace, love and knowing that you loved her, Lem, I don’t think death would be nearly as scary, and I think that they would probably be able to attack her as well and she would be in a better state of mind.

Why why why did they steal that from you and her and from us, Lem, because it’s old money potentially?

We might have been somewhat old money in my family and you know here’s a crazy idea? What if Tom was a distant cousin of my father’s on Tom’s mother’s side and he helped me get into Hollywood through his connections…and what if he used to watch my show proud of me for doing so well and it it touched me that he cared, considering that we were so distantly related and yet he’d helped me and still genuinely cared? Maybe that’s not true but what if it is true? He had a tender heart but he had a lot of clout in Old Hollywood.

And do I seem like a mobsters cousin? No, yeah…he really was a gentleman…and he was raised in wealth, and he resorted to a life of crime because he was like Lacey. He was wild, and he didn’t care what people thought about certain things. He cared more about the bigger picture and possibly wrong versus right and results. So he wasn’t afraid to be a bootlegger because he knew he could make a lot of money doing it and he didn’t care that it wasn’t a note in his social class so to speak to do that. Because bootlegging really was more something that you know a recent immigrant family should’ve been doing like the Italian families already in the mob or umm maybe the Irish families like the Kennedys. It wasn’t something that an old money Dutch or German family was supposed to be doing, but there were no rules about such things, and he just thought, ‘What the heck I’m good at it! I’m not gonna have kids, etc. etc.!’ and see that’s the other thing I died young and it was hard on my kids. His mother died young and it was hard on him and that could be part of the reason he never wanted to have kids and then he died and his daughter if he’s got a daughter and it’s Lacey is not OK. And now the Illuminati is trying to kill her and make her die young and leave her kids behind. It’s a generational curse? And people are sick of it so if she does die, it’s really not likely that her kids will survive because God is tired of it. It’s is sick. You know she can’t on her own withstand all of Hell everyday just because Bobby is pissed off that he was born into an Irish Street trash family.” says John Ritter.

“Wow! You sound like John Ritter!” says the interviewing woman.

“He is John Ritter, possibly, for real.” says an Illuminati woman.

“Was Lacey’s mom trying to become famous?” asks the woman.

“Not necessarily. He paid for her college education. But…I don’t think she was trying to be famous.” says John Ritter.

“Why didn’t they just get married?!” asks the woman.

“They were old fashioned. It was the late 1970’s. …She was very beautiful and he was an old man. I think Tom was worried about ruining her life.” says John Ritter.

“What’s wrong with Lacey’s heart?” asks the woman.

“It’s not something safe to discuss.” says John Ritter.

“So her grandmother is a Ritter?” asks the woman.

“Her grandmother’s maiden last name is Ritter.” says John Ritter.

“Lacey…what’s your favorite color?” asks the woman.

“Aqua.” says Lacey.

“What’s aqua to you?” she asks.

“What’s up with you plated silver?” she asks.

“It’s…pretty. I was taught to appreciate inexpensive, but still beautiful and quality things by the mother who raised me. She had good taste but she…sometimes used cheap stuff. Like…Homer Laughlin. Or…Wedgwood Edme instead of something more expensive. Or cast iron instead of Staub.” says Lacey. “Cast iron is better and cheaper.”

“Where did she shop?” asks the woman.

“Sears, Sears Surplus, JC Penny’s and Christopher Banks.” says Lacey.

“How much did they spend on groceries every week?” she asks.

“$130.00 every week in the 1990’s.” says Lacey.

“That’s like $250 every week?” asks the woman.

“Yes. Sometimes closer to $200 when we bought our vitamins.” says Lacey.

“What vitamins did she buy?” asks the woman.

“I can’t recall all of them but they were from a small co-op type of health food store.” says Lacey.

“So you took expensive vitamins and still got sick regularly for weeks?” she asks.

“Yes! I was barely ever allowed to eat sugar. She believed sugar was what was making me sick.” says Lacey. “And it didn’t help. But…it certainly wasn’t the main cause.”

“What did you eat for breakfast?” she asks.

“Honey Vanilla Häagen-Dazs ice cream, because it was made with honey on a multi-grain Eggo waffle. And orange juice from concentrate. They bought concentrate orange juice to save money.” says Lacey. “And they made a very big deal about buying concentrate orange juice. So I believed we were quite poor.”

“Who made the orange juice?” she asks.

“Minute Maid.” says Lacey.

“What else did they buy to save money?” she asks.

“Frozen berries sometimes. Frozen spinach. Hershey’s chocolate sauce in the can. Off-brand dry cereal. …Plain yogurt instead of individually packaged yogurt sometimes.” says Lacey.

“You were never on Head Start?” she asks.

“No.” says Lacey.

“No governmental programs?” she asks.

“No. Not until the battered women’s shelter made us for six months in my early twenties.” says Lacey.

“Because you weren’t allowed to work?” she says.

“Yes! They were very restrictive.” says Lacey.

“What weren’t you allowed to do due to financial constraints? Other than own a house because your parents choose to tithe 20% from their every gross paycheck?” she asks. “And they spent $1,000 every month on groceries in today’s money. And they refused to accrue debt.”

“I couldn’t go on a class field trip to China. In high school. I didn’t have my own car. And I didn’t spend $2,000 on clothes every fall.” says Lacey. “Or $400 on Clinique makeup.”

“Was $2,000 the average spent on new clothes every fall?” she asks.

“Yes! About.” says Lacey. “Adding on $400 at least for new makeup.”

“So everyone wore Clinique?” she asks.

“Yes! Or Estée Lauder or Lancôme.” says Lacey. “And one girl had Louis Vuitton backpack. It was so chic! …But that was not that unusual.”

“And what did you wear?” she asks.

“Jansport. Or…something decent and cheap.” says Lacey.

“What else?” she asks.

“Nine West. GAP. TJ Maxx. JC Penny’s. The Limited and Limited Too. Target. Sears. Sears Surplus. Montgomery Wards. That’s mostly it.” says Lacey. “Sometimes Nordstrom Rack. Sometimes John Belter’s daughter’s hand-me-down clothes.”

“Did you parents make a big deal about the hand-me-down clothes from Rachel Belter?” she asks.

“Yes!! Very much so!” says Lacey. “Actually though one of my favorite outfits was a tweed skirt and wool turtleneck from Laura Ashley. With chunky brown shoes and brown stockings. It was a very 1930’s look. And I had a bob. It was lovely! That was in high school. …But I didn’t shop there otherwise.”

“What was the silhouette?” she asks.

“Where did you buy the shoes?” she asks.

“It was Enzo Angiolini. In Southdale. And back then it was nice.” says Lacey.

“How much did you pay for them?” she asks.

“Maybe $100?” suggests Lacey. “Maybe $125.00?”

“How much were you spending on clothes?” she asks.

“I don’t know.” says Lacey.

“Was there any store you weren’t allowed to go into?” she’s asks.

“No. Not at all.” says Lacey. “We might not have bought anything, but it wasn’t forbidden.”

“Your Great Aunt Kathy worked for Neiman Marcus in Minnesota?” she asks.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Where?” she asks.

“In downtown Minneapolis!” says Lacey.

“What did she do there?” she asks.

“She had owned two dress shops in North Dakota. And so she used that experience to work as a very valued buyer for Neiman Marcus. She was well known in the fashion world in Minnesota.” says Lacey.

“What does a buyer do?” she asks.

“From what I understand and understood…she visited retailers…possibly sometimes even in Europe…to peruse the latest trends and available merchandise…for Neiman Marcus.” says Lacey.

“What was her last name?” she asks.

“Nesheim. She was married to Bennett.” says Lacey.

“What was their political affiliation?” she asks.

“Old school Republican.” says Lacey.

“And you and Kathy got along. But she didn’t like the mother who raised you?” she asks.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Was she musical?” she asks.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“What perfumes did you wear again growing-up?” she asks.

“Gloria Vanderbilt V, the original Tiffany & Co., Elizabeth Arden Splendor, and Guerlain Shalimar to name a few.” says Lacey. “And GAP Dream.”

“That’s weird.” she says.

Lacey waits.

“You’re weird.” she says.

Lacey waits.

“I’m weird too, but not as weird as you.” she says.

Lacey waits.

“You were so sophisticated.” she says.

“Yes! I was sophisticated. So what?” asks Lacey.

“What cheap perfume did you wear?” she asks.

Lacey thinks. “Cover Girl Navy, Vanilla Fields, Malibu Musk, and Sarah Michaels.”

“Sarah Michaels?” she asks.

“Yes! I can still smell it! Rose and raspberry were my favorites.” says Lacey.

“No Victoria’s Secret?” she asks.

“Or Body Shop or Bath & Body Works?” asks Lacey. “Yes? But not really. …Raspberry Sarah Micheals is what I loved.”

“Apricot and raspberry.” she says.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“And peach? And orange?” she asks.

“And lemon, and apple. Pineapple. Strawberry. Grapefruit.” says Lacey.

“Why don’t you live in New York City?” she asks.

Lacey thinks. “It would kill me?”

“From what?” she asks.

“Something mysterious?” says Lacey

“Where?” she asks.

“Probably alone. In my apartment. At night?” says Lacey.

“Why?” she asks.

“Because I’d be dumb and betray myself and my family. And ruin everything. And hate myself?” says Lacey.

“Would drugs be involved?” she asks.

“Hopefully not. But I feel like I’d slide into a powerless hellish place.” says Lacey.

“I don’t think that’s you.” she says.

“It feels exactly like me though. It feels like me.” says Lacey.

“Why not go to Papua New Guinea?” she asks.

“I feel like I’d hate it there. It’s violent? And…hot? And I’d get sick?” says Lacey.

“And these things are just coming to you when you analyze going to these places and being there? This is just what it feels like would happen to you?” she asks.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Wow! …So it’s not the money?” she asks.

“I’d never want to raise kids in New York City.” says Lacey.

“So you truly thought Chris Hayes was Michael Rockefeller?” she asks.

“Yes!” says Michael. “Essentially.”

“What was I supposed to do?” asks Chris.

“Let her think it was ‘Twitter Code’ until you saw her in person and she felt safe. …Write her. Get to know her. Slowly end things or fall in love.”