This is a satire. With the supernatural. Or it’s real. What do you think?
Midnight City by M83 plays.
“So you believe the Greatest Generation was filled with prostitutes?” asks the FBI of Chris Hayes.
“Yeah! Duh!” he says, laughing. “Look! They were forced into it. I’m not saying they had a choice. But…Lacey seems to enjoy it. It’s so evil and gross…and soo soo narcissistic and pathetic.”
“AMEN!!” say all liberal Americans shaking their tits or chests.
“Men in the past sucked shit!” says a liberal white woman.
“Yeah! They all cheated on their wives. And were drunk. And losers. And most of them were secretly gay anyway.” says a Millennial woman who’s on her second long-term boyfriend.
“Did you find love?” asks Lem.
“No! Just bad sex, heartbreak and work. But…I’ll die of loneliness and despair and a heart attack in my 70’s. Childless. With two dead dogs in my backyard. …Or maybe I’ll find love. We’ll see. I’m looking forward to dying. What about you?” she says.
“Did you take the advice you thought I was giving you?” asks Lem.
“Yup!” she says.
“SHIT!!!” yells Lem.
“Hey! It’s cool. …Look…dude…if you were straight…it’s okay.” she says, exhausted. “I’m so over life! So over it. Most men are worthless pieces of useless trash like Jack Kennedy now anyway. I have never had one man be faithful or not be a whiny entitled bitch. And…a few are okay. But most are like boring gay dogs. …But I can’t stand women. So…I’ll just deal. Right? And…with global warming I’d rather have kids in the afterlife anyway. If I can. I’m over it.”
“How much money do you make?” asks MSNBC.
“$300,000.00.” she says.
“What’s your IQ?” asks Chris, with hope.
“140?” she says.
“That’s okay! Cool. Where did you go to school?” asks Chris.
“The University of Minnesota?” she says.
“Huh. Interesting!” says Chris Hayes.
Silence.
“We’re wondering if you were in a sorority?” says Chris.
“Ahh…yeah?” she says.
“Ahh! Okay. Huh. So…you have internalized misogyny?” asks Chris.
“No. Not really.” she says.
“Ah…well…I wonder. Was your body count a bad thing or a good thing?” asks Chris.
“Oh! Oh! I know. A bad thing!” says Diego.
Dance The Night by Dua Lipa plays.
“Ahh. I was thinking the opposite. But like not. So…she’s proud of her count because of the appearance of being accepted by men.” says Chris to Diego.
“Good one! Let’s see what this piece of shit says.” says Diego.
“I didn’t keep track?” she says.
“Ahh…why?!?” asks Chris.
“Toxic.” says Diego.
“Because I didn’t care? It was always stupid.” says the woman. “I was super focused on school.”
“You got good grades?” asks Chris.
“Yeah.” she says.
“How good?” asks Diego.
“A’s, some b’s.” says the woman, uncomfortable. “Go away.”
“You’re a loser.” says Chris.
“Yeah. Loser!” says Diego.
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani plays.
“Women are annoying. But Kate’s okay I guess.” says Chris to Diego, like in the old times.
“So. How does a girl get in your clique?” asks Lem.
“Not through sex. We have to like you.” says Diego.
“What makes you like people?” asks Lem.
“Oh! You don’t know?! Loser! Move on.” says Chris.
“Yeah! Hick! Poor hick!” says Diego.
“Okay. Go away then!” says Lacey.
“Is she trying to get rid of us? How rude. We don’t approve!” says Chris Hayes.
“Do I have to order a hit on you?” asks Lacey.
“Order a hit?” asks Chris.
“Yeah. Like my father…might have to send someone to kill you. To get you to go away. Once and for all.” says Lacey.
Move Ya Body by Nina Sky plays for all gay men who believe Lem was their call to steal women’s souls to seduce men. “Jezebel” loves them. They’d hate women if they thought women weren’t just meaningless flimsy pieces of garbage. They’re not conceited they’re proud, thieving men who enjoy crushing women. Like JP Kennedy if he’d been gay.
“I can handle him.” says Janet.
“Then why did you only get chocolate cake?” asks Lacey.
“That’s all I wanted.” says Janet.
“Yeah right.” says Lacey.
“Fine. But…it was for the best.” says Janet.
“No. It wasn’t.” says Lacey.
“I could have made him leave.” says Janet.
“But you were too nice. Aww!! What a nice prostitute? Or no. I’m sorry. You never got properly paid.” says Lacey. “You’re just a gullible shmuck?”
“A hack!” she says, accusingly.
“Oh! You think I want some. Nah, bitch. He all yours.” says Lacey.
“You’re not black.” says Janet.
“You’re not going to win. Move on or try a different way.” says Lacey.
“So he just loved me more?” asks Janet.
“No shit Sherlock.” says Lacey.
She smiles. “Well. He lies.”
“Yeah. But he did love you.” says Lacey.
Janet thinks. “Do you care at all!?”
“Beyond how it affects you?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah.” says Janet.
“Possibly not at all anymore…beyond how it affects people.” says Lacey.
“Did he destroy American sex?” asks Janet.
“With his kids?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah!” says Janet.
“Possibly! Have fun!” says Lacey.
“Oh. We will! Really.” says Janet. “God isn’t stupid.”
“Yeah. Isn’t it funny? I just don’t give a damn.” says Lacey. She almost cries.
Janet opens her mouth and nods.
“It’s odd.” says Janet.
“It’s creepy.” says Lacey. “But I find it funny.”
“Why?” asks Janet.
“Because it’s just all so fucking hilarious.” says Lacey, in an manner like a lofty, blythe but sad Betty Davis.
Janet laughs. “It’s not for us.” she says seriously.
“No. And why did you ever reject Christ? It’s horrific.” says Lacey.
“Yes. But…what did we do to you?” asks Janet.
“Why don’t I care?” asks Lacey.
“What does it feel like?” asks Janet.
“Like I’ve lost. And there’s no hope. But…I get to watch. And…as part of watching…I’m fortunate enough to be able examine why I lost. And as far as I can see…you make no sense. And…I’m just stuck with Michael Rockefeller…the British people…and Lem…and my Reta and Tom possibly. Possibly Humphrey Bogart and Lauren. Maybe even Scott and Zelda. Which is lovely! …And my kids. But…then…this is all just stupid.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. Okay.” says Janet. “You can’t figure out how to get us help.”
“Well…Lem and I are…in love! And Michael is a dear. But…we can sort it out over tea. Wherever Christ puts us. In His mercy. But…then when do we become poor?” asks Lacey. “Like really poor? Not just pretend poor.”
“To make it fair?” asks Janet.
“Yes!” says Lacey.
“Dear…if there’s reincarnation in the Bible I don’t think you can do that bit again.” says Janet.
“Then…what am I doing?” asks Lacey. “If there’s reincarnation in the Bible.”
“We might have messed that up.” says Janet. “By insisting Lem loves Jack. Or even did.”
“Oh. So…you ruined my sole reason for living before I was born?” asks Lacey.
“Dammit. If there’s reincarnation in the Bible maybe.” says Janet. “Maybe there was some small chance. And it was ruined.”
“Huh. Yeah. Evil exists. Hell exists, Janet.” says Lacey.
Janet cries.
“Well…oh well?” says Lacey. “I’m doing my best to make light of a very silly situation.”
“Ahh. I had no idea any of this was going on.” says Chris Hayes.
“Yeah! I hear ya!” says another Millennial cool-guy.
“Wait! Who’s my real baby-daddy?” asks a woman who has been into the occult and who has children who look like her dead boyfriend who she’s never had kids with.
Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey plays.
“We don’t know.” says Bill Gates. “It’s just…incredibly complicated. Stay calm.”
“I know. It’s my dead boyfriend.” says the woman. “We were in love.”
“Okay. Maybe? Be careful with that!” says Bill Gates.
“Why don’t we kill her?” says Diego sincerely.
“We can’t?” says Chris Hayes.
“Why?” asks Diego. “It will appease Mollock!”
“What about Christ?” asks a Jew.
“I am hurt by Christ tonight!” says Diego seriously.
“Why?!?” asks Katie Couric, exasperated.
“Because…he’s mean. He’s a mean man!” says Diego.
“Why?” asks Chris. “Why my love?”
“Because…Michael is so HAWT. And…he’s…cold to me.” says Diego.
“You came on to him?” asks Kate, smiling.
“Yes! And he said, ‘You are vile to me. Go away.’” says Diego.
“Wow! And what did God say?” asks a Native American woman.
Quiet Crowd by Patrick Watson plays in Kykuit.
“He said, ‘Young man! My family isn’t here for your antics!’” says Diego.
“Huh. Was he an old man?” asks Chris.
“Yeah. Mean!” says Diego.
Satan sings the song to Lacey as JD Rockefeller examines Lacey. It was he Diego spoke to.
“Why are you here?” asks JD Rockefeller.
“I guess I can’t be poor easily.” says Lacey.
He sits down next to her. “Yup. So what are you going to do?”
“Die?” says Lacey. “I’m getting too old and tired.”
He smiles. “You can’t die yet.”
“Yes! But it feels like I’m…on a bus…and we’re headed there. And it’s too late. There’s no getting off the bus.” says Lacey.
A ghost panics in Lacey’s room and stands up and races off.
“She’ll fight till the bitter end!!” yells Matt Perry. “Don’t worry. But…yeah. It’s getting bad. Life is starting to really suck shit.”
“Yeah. He’s right. It’s bad.” says a man.
“Dude! Did you volunteer to die?” asks Larry David of Matt.
“Maybe. So what!? …Look…lots of people hear her in the Illuminati. And she’s not wrong. Unfortunately for Diego. Lisa died…and I looked into Lem…and I related to him. And I did. I loved the idea of death. …It’s sad. But I couldn’t fix you all.”
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