My Obsession

Who Told You This Room Exists by Belong plays.

“I empathize with Chris. It’s true.

To me…Lacey and Michael don’t seem real.

I mean…I guess they could be. But I don’t understand them.

If they love each other that much…or did…how does that love just stop? Or what’s the point? I don’t get it.” says JFK. “How do you feel that way and then it just ends? And that’s why I can’t get over Lem. I can’t believe it wasn’t real. Because then he was just a friend. And that’s all. If that’s even what it was.

He didn’t really love me. He just wanted to be nice. He just wanted to be loving. And…none of it was…anything I like. I hate people feeling sorry for me. And that’s all it was! …He just feel sorry for me.

He gave me oral sex. And sure…I made him. But…I had no idea…I could be hurt that way. I’m still not over it.

How dare he!? How dare he just feel sorry for me!?” says JFK. “He was so damn nice. People shouldn’t be that nice if they don’t love you. Right? Because then how are you supposed to know when someone loves you?”

“That’s deep.” says Chris Hayes. He rolls his eyes in boredom.

JFK glares at him.

Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey plays.

“What!?” says Diego. “You can cry later. We have questions to answer.”

“He’s right. We do want to know what happened.” says the woman in the CIA.

“Yeah. See. You make Netflix about you. You made everything all about you.” says Diego to JFK’s ghost.

Jack Kennedy laughs.

“Okay. You are hot. Kinda. But…it’s our turn.” says Diego.

“You’re charismatic.” says JFK to Diego.

Diego shrugs.

“Okay. So! Diego…let’s begin.” says the woman in the CIA.

“Let’s go! I’m ready!” says Diego. “I love this topic.”

“No. You don’t. It’s your bookish side.” says Chris. “Diego loves to read.”

“I was so excited by the book about him.” says Diego.

“When did you read it?” asks the woman in the CIA.

“When it first came out!” says Diego.

Chris shifts uncomfortably. Smiles.

“When did you and Chris discuss the book?” asks the CIA.

“Ahh…2014? Or no. 2015?” says Diego.

“So! You two are fans?” asks the CIA.

Moments later.

“We have a right to lawyers. Right?” asks Chris.

“I mean…no. It’s the Illuminati.” says the CIA.

“We bought the book to read together.” says Chris Hayes.

“Huh. Why?” asks the CIA.

“Why?” asks Diego.

“Because why?” asks the CIA.

“Fin! Intel? Okay. Because he’s HAWT!” says Diego.

“He’s hot!” says Diego. “See…he’s dorky. And sweet. And sensitive. But…as a dead Rockefeller it’s safe to crush on him. He’s not going to be able to hurt you. And you look cool. Intellectual.

Chris and I…were so into him.” says Diego.

“Yeah. And it’s like a super safe crush too because he’s dead.” says Chris. “And I was under the impression they couldn’t get sexual. I thought that was just like…specific demons.” says Chris Hayes.

“The guys…my dudes…my main dudes…had a thing for a dead Rockefeller. And I thought…” starts Kate.

There’s an interruption.

“Okay! I thought, ‘Aww! How cute!’” says Kate. “Because…I knew it wouldn’t ever have happened. Or happen? Like…I just knew it’d be this like one-sided thing on their part. Right? And…it was cute.”

“They were fangirls.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior, suggestively.

“Yeah! But…I just intuitively knew…it would be one-sided.” says Kate.

“Why?” asks Bobby.

“Why? Because I just knew?” says Kate.

“Oh my gosh! Kate! No. He’d totally have gone for me!” says Chris.

“We had long discussions about it.” says Diego.

“How long were these discussions?” asks Larry David.

My Tears Are Becoming A Sea by M83 plays.

“We drove together to see his house. To try to read his energy. And on the way back we fought over who he would like most.” admits Diego.

Chris begins to cry.

“Chris…you both were super into him for a while.” says Kate. “Admit it.”

Chris laughs. “Kate! No. We talked about this.”

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck in Iran!” yells Diego telepathically. “I’m not going to shut-up that easily! You lie!!”

Chris fumes.

“You LIE!” says Diego. “You…made me think I was nothing.”

“I don’t think you have a clue…how hurt I was!” says Chris.

“You were hurt? You were the one who forced me into a polyamorous relationship. Man! You lie. …But okay. Let’s be honest then. I’m hotter than you.” says Diego.

Into The Black by Chromatics plays.

Chris goes quiet.

“I made you look good. For years!” says Diego. “Better than ever! Better than you could look!”

Chris remains quiet.

“Let’s ask him! Shall we?!? Let’s be men.” says Diego.

“I don’t want to.” says Chris, after feeling sleepy. He’s under a spell now that works like truth serum.

“Why not?” scoffs Diego from Iran.

“Because you are better looking.” says Chris.

Diego cries. “You can’t be with me…if he loves me. I let go! I will DISOWN YOU!” screams Diego.

“In Heaven?” says Chris.

“Yes! In Heaven.” says Diego.

“He won’t have you. You’re a peasant from Mexico.” says Chris, smugly.

“But I am beautiful!” says Diego.

“So are lots of people!” says Chris.

“So are lots of people!” says Diego mockingly.

“Chris…let’s go on.” says Kate.

“No. I want to hear how he’s going to woe him.” says Chris. “He never told me.”

“He will take one look…into my eyes…and be…overwhelmed.” says Diego.

“Why?” scoffs Chris.

“Because…I am…” Diego starts.

“Yeah. When you can explain why you’re special come back.” says Chris.

“Yeah. Okay. The CIA knows.” says Diego.

“They do not!!” screams Chris in a panic.

Rumour Has It by Adele plays.

“We hated Lacey.” says Diego. “Because we knew.”

“Diego why are you saying that?” asks Chris.

“Because…they already know. And I’m in Iran.” says Diego. “I made a deal. Months ago.”

“You had that conversation with me on the way home.” says Chris.

“Yeah.” says Diego. “You regret it?”

“So you two read Lacey and started hating her because you psychically sensed she was Michael’s soulmate!” says Joe Biden. “Wow!”

“And most of the American Illuminati got behind them.” says Russia.

“Yeah. It’s been weird. The whole time.” says Bill Gates.

“Where did you two drive to?” asks the CIA.

“Marble House?” says Chris.

“No. Chepstow!” says Diego.

“KYKUIT!” says Chris.

“Yeah. Okay. That’s the one. Sorry. I couldn’t remember.” says Diego.

“Michael might not have lived there.” says Lacey.

“No! Not true.” says Diego.

“We have-We thought he had lived there.” says Chris.

“Okay. Maybe not. But maybe he visited. And we thought that was his house.” says Diego.

“We have no intention of making you two go through the entire tour. But…did you interact with any ghosts?” asks the CIA.

“Man! Those are good memories!” says Chris to Diego. “You were so damn funny.” He laughs. “Umm…ghosts.”

“I talked to a man.” says Diego.

“Huh. Any idea who?” asks a witch in the Illuminati.

“A man.” says Diego.

“Old?” asks the witch.

“Yeah? Maybe.” says Diego.

“Why? Why did you hate Lacey?” asks Miró.

“Because…we have…no…way to become her.” says Diego.

“Oh! So that’s why! That’s why you thought Lem made sense at first!” says Miró. “Because it took her away from Michael!”

“I don’t understand why you don’t let her be with Lem.” says Michael.

“We don’t care!” says Diego. “It makes me sad. I love her and Lem. It’s gorgeous!”

“I’m pretty sure it’s Bobby who has the problem.” says Chris.

“Then why did you ruin it with me?” asks Harold.

“Because you’re Jewish!” says a Jewish woman in the Illuminati. “It’s not for that dog!”

“And what was wrong with me?” asks Louis.

“You’re too real. You’re in Minnesota. And so is she. And it felt too real. …And my wife read your biography and felt bad for your second wife.” says Chris. “Everyone said how much you loved your wife! How dare she!”

“Yeah. That ugly, manipulative, bitch!” says an actress, in the Illuminati.

“Huh. And what was wrong with me?” asks Elliott.

“Ahh…I just didn’t like you. I’m the one who kept sending the women to seduce you all.” says Joe Kennedy Junior.

“Yeah. I felt she was smug.” says a gay Muslim man. “So I broke up Joe.”

“So…you ruined all her LITERAL soulmates!?? BEFORE she died?!? While she was living in Hell!?” asks Jonah Wiley.

“They did!” says Jay-Z.

Crazy In Love by Beyoncé plays.

Jonah cringes. “Oh my GOD!!! May He show you mercy! WOW!!”

“Why is that so bad?” asks Diego, sincerely.

“Because those are her actual soulmates.” says Jonah.

“So?!?” says Chris, finally.

“Do you think that’s safe?!” asks George Bush.

“No.” says Diego. “But she’s rich.”

“Not that rich.” says Chris.

“Yeah. Like prostitute rich. Married white whore rich.” says Diego.

“So…for her…it’s not like…God cares as much.” says Chris. “Right?”

“Because the rich have trouble going to Heaven. So we just have to accept it.” says Diego.

“So she’s a prostitute because she’s not working outside the home?” asks the CIA.

“That whole generation was filled with prostitution!” says a left-wing Boomer activist.

“Yeah! Amen!” says Chris Hayes with enormous enthusiasm and joy.