A bisexual woman walks onto the set of Cheers.
“You’re all nuts.” she says with a smile.
“How are we nuts?” asks Norm.
The bisexual woman starts laughing. “Look. It’s simple. Lem was just heterosexual. Lacey’s straight and she’s just a woman.” she starts.
And at that Diane Chambers starts crying.
“What’s wrong, Diane?” asks Fraiser.
But Diane can’t speak.
“Well! I’m fully prepared to accept the reality that Lacey Billings is a woman. And always was one. And that Lem was a heterosexual man.” says Fraiser. “I, for one, am genuinely confused as to why everyone seems so upset by it all.”
“Fraiser they can’t handle that you’re straight either.” says Lilith, smirking.
“Yeah. You know…I’ve wondered now for months…if my character was supposed to be a warning.” says Fraiser.
“It was Fraiser. It obviously was.” says Lilith, sadly.
“But you’re named Lilith.” says Fraiser.
“Yes! But…does that automatically mean I’m the wife of Satan? Not necessarily.” says Lilith. “I’m your wife.”
“Who am I then?” asks Fraiser.
“Well…we’re in Boston. Boston.” says Lilith. “And…I’m dumb. I’m very shrill…but…I sort of exist…and…my name seems to actually point more towards you being evil than me.”
The bisexual laughs and nods. She claps her hands to cheer them on more. “You’re doing well. Keep going.”
“I’m…dark.” says Lilith.
“Do I seem…lordly? But where does my money come from? Counseling people? And I live in Seattle…eventually. …But I seem so lordly. Am I a Nesheim…but I’m British?” asks Fraiser. “I’m an English aristocrat. Aren’t I? …Which clearly either means that Lem was somehow reminiscent of an English aristocrat to the point of being triggering…or…he was one.”
“Yes! Exactly!” says Lilith.
“Thanks Gideon.” says Fraiser. “It is a riddle. Isn’t it?”
A tween male laughs and nods. “They’re finally getting it!” he says to someone.
“I bet Christmas at Great Grandma’s is nice?” asks Lilith.
But Gideon has left the conversation. He’s playing a board game with lots of adults and kids.
And sadly just at that moment someone attacks Gideon. Very cruelly. Thankfully he’s dead and misses the insult that because he’s dead becomes almost pointless…to him.
“You insult Lacey the same way.” says Katie. “But she’s not dead enough for it not to be dangerous.”
“I love when you insult her!” says Jack Kennedy.
“Yeah, but Jack if I was fully dead it wouldn’t matter the way it does now.” says Lacey.
Fraiser starts laughing.
“Why is that funny?” asks Lem.
“Because he’s insane. Not us.” says Fraiser.
“Can you really speak on behalf of everyone?” asks Lacey.
Katie shakes her head no.
“It’s great that we’re so chill and educated and aware…but we really aren’t…everyone Fraiser.” says Lilith.
“Oops.” says Skull and Bones.
“So we killed JFK?” asks George Bush.
“Duh. Yeah.” says an Irish woman from Boston.
“What? Why is everyone staring at me?” asks JFK.
“Jack, they weren’t staring at you.” say Rip Horton and Chris Dodds both, at once.
“Jack…why didn’t it work out with Jackie?” asks Chris Dodds’s wife.
“Lem. He broke us up.” says JFK. “That’s my current theory.”
“Yup. He’s crazy.” says Katie. She takes a drink of her beer.
“I’m Lem.” says JFK.
“Like you are Lem or you’re one with him?” asks Carla.
“I am Lem! Duh!” says JFK, like it should be obvious.
“Did you have bipolar disorder?” asks Fraiser.
“Yup!” says JFK. “Bingo!”
“What did you do when you were manic?” asks Fraiser.
“I ate drugs. I mean…I devoured them.” says JFK. “And I had lots of sex. And I spent a lot of money. And I hurt people. And I almost started the end of the world on more than one occasion.”
“Yeah. That’s so obvious.” says Chris Dodds.
“It’s weird that we don’t notice that.” says Katie.
“Yeah. That actually really bothers the American people.” says a Rockefeller. “You care in a very personal way about the leadership of the country.”
“Yes! It isn’t just the Kennedys. But they count too.” says Katie.
“Why is Gideon being made fun of?” asks Carla.
“Because he’s offensive like Lacey is offensive.” says an angel.
“We were occasionally offensive.” says Joe Kennedy Junior. “But…you didn’t realize that until you met Lacey.”
“So we were murdering Gideon. More than Maeve.” says a black Minnesotan.
“Yes!!” yells Louis Hill Junior.
“On behalf of who?” asks Casi in a panic.
“White supremacists in Utah.” says Louis, laughing. “Literally. Lots of anti-American cults in America.”
“So he was the leadership in his generation?” asks Joe Kennedy Junior.
Louis Hill Junior nods sadly. “He had your name. And when ‘we’ started attacking Lacey she was your ‘twin flame.’ They’re attacking Lacey and Gideon because you’re the dead rightful leader of the Kennedys. And they all secretly know that.”
Later.
“Diego made me do it!” screams Chris Hayes.
Dr. Moritz laughs. Starts waving his hands. He’s done.
“Fine! The Catholic Church was protecting the masses from the evil Illuminati. And so was the old European aristocracy.” says Dr. Moritz. “But why did they fail us?”
“Like how I was molested?” asks Lem.
“Yes!” says Dr. Moritz.
Hollaback by Gwen Stefani plays.
“Hold on! You flirted for real with Jackie.” says JFK in a daze to Lem. This is literally the first time in history he’s realized that. He’s appalled.
“Yeah. We missed that? Why!?!” asks Chris Dodds.
“Because…he’s gay!” says JFK. “He after my hoe!” says JFK seriously. He’s…appalled.
“Jack…I highly doubt they slept together.” says Chris Dodds.
“Don’t matter! He’s a player!” says JFK, appalled. “Damn him! Bitch. …He not my bitch. Nigger!”
And at that Pat Wilson is interrogated by dead M6. There’s a possibility she was working to bring the US back into the Britain. Long-term.
“She won Monopoly. And Joe Junior is genuinely a bit scared.” explains Carolyn.
Katie nods in agreement. She saw that.
Later.
“We would have fought America instead of killing the Jews. But we secretly started the US.” says Herr Hitler. “Michael is Lacey’s soulmate. And Lem is her ‘twin flame.’”
“What the hell?” asks Rita Pearlman.
“I thought you were Italian.” says Lacey to Carla.
“Huh. So…makes sense to you…to kill?” asks Ken Schiebel of Lacey.
“The American Irish.” says Lacey, laughing. But she’s dead serious.
“We managed to explain to you that it wasn’t us.” says Ken Schiebel to Lacey (Ritter) Banks.
“Yes! I married Mark.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. He’s…normal. From your German perspective?” asks Ken.
“Yes!! He’s checks out as normal.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. That was always our theory about ourselves.” says Ken.
“It’s holding water.” says Lacey. “And I’m suspicious and so is Nazi Germany that I want to exterminate the American Irish.” says Lacey.
“What does that feel like?” asks Ken Schiebel.
“War.” says Lacey, sincerely.
“Honestly…I don’t like them either.” says Ken Schiebel.
“Why…am I here?” asks Lacey.
“I LOVED being superior.” says JP Kennedy. “We were all obsessed with Great Britain to try to become superior. But we secretly hated the English.”
Later.
“So why do you want to have an Irish Holocaust?” JP Kennedy asks Lacey.
“Because you’re OBNOXIOUS!” says Lacey.
“Lacey…I hated the English too. But I knew it was…slightly…insane. Just slightly. Jack barely understands that. But it’s his father’s fault.” says Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy. “Joe was insane.”
“Wow! Pat. Damn.” says Lacey.
“It’s far easier than you think when you put your mind to it.” says Pat Wilson. “Some are like Matthew Perry or Scott Fitzgerald…or even Louis…and others are these people.”
“Hint: these people.” Herr Hitler.
“What is their thing?” asks Lacey.
“It’s fascinating.” says Herr Hitler. “We’re figuring it out.”
“It’s like they lie. But better than is humanly possible.” says Lacey. “They use the Holy Spirit in exceedingly perverted and dangerous ways.”
“Is that why you’re talking to us?” asks Herr Hitler of Lacey.
Lacey stands up on the counter of the bar. At first she dances. It’s frighteningly sexy. And then she kills everyone. With a Tommy-gun. Very elegantly.
Fergalicious by Fergie plays.
“Nah. You’re all alive.” says Eric Harris.
“It’s too damn complicated.” says Lacey.
Pat Wilson laughs.
“Pat why?” asks Lacey. “They’re like dogs after a while. At best.”
“I love them.” says Pat.
“But they’re fucking useless.” says Lacey.
“Did you cut Tom Banks? In the 1920’s?” Elliott Roosevelt asks JP Kennedy.
“Yes. Of course I did. He was a dumb schmuck.” says JP.
“The Irish south eyes Lacey.” says an Irish man in the south.
“He didn’t understand your greatness?” asks Elliott Roosevelt.
“Damn right!” says JP Kennedy. He’s being serious.
“Joe…how were you actually superior to my friend Tom? Tom is Lacey’s father. Joe…TOM IS LACEY’S FATHER.” yells Louis slowly.
David Schiebel tells Lacey to let it go.
“I actually do love them.” says Pat. “I promise I’m not trapped!”
“What do you love about them?” asks Lacey.
“Their sexuality.” says Pat.
Lacey stares.
“No. Really! I feel incredibly free with them.” says Pat.
“We certainly did not have that experience.” says Lem.
“It’s scary. You think you’re free. But in reality they’re trying to suck your soul. And destroy you for eternity.” says Lacey.
“Pat. That’s genuinely what happened.” says Lem, solemnly. “Look…it seems weird that my father was taken advantage of by them. As a bootlegger. But…at the same time…it makes sense. We really had a Hellish experience.”
“So first they stole from Lacey’s father. And then they stole you. And then they destroyed Lacey? But Lacey can’t place why. And that’s…terrifying.” says Satan. “Yeah. We went too far. We really did. It’s…too far. It’s genuinely spiritually unsustainable.”
“Nah. The show is just getting started. Relax!” says Chris’s Hayes. “I’m Irish!”
“Go big green!” cheers Erin Ryan.
“Yup. I see where you’re going with that.” says Herr Hitler to Lacey.
“Why…are we the Jews?” asks Bobby Kennedy Junior of Herr Hitler.
“Joe. We need to talk.” says Kanye W
