A Disaster

Summer Smoke by Cemeteries plays.

It’s a disaster.

“If I had my way you’d be dead by now.” says to Lacey after they make love. “But our kids need you. If our roles were reversed, I’d do the same thing. Forget everything else you’ve heard about me. That’s the truth.”

“Am I Jack reincarnated?” asks Lacey, even though she highly doubts it.

“No.” he says. “You’re definitely not.”

The song plays.

It’s a disaster.

God possibly had Lem and Lacey in mind for each other from the second he knew of them. And Lacey is wild…and so is Lem.

It’s 1936 and Lem and Lacey meet and within a day make love.

“I got you pregnant. I just know it!” says Lem.

“We’re going to have to get married.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. So what? You’re the only one who understands me anyway.” says Lem to Lacey.

“I want more than that. I want love.” says Lacey.

“I am in love. So are you. And we’re getting married.” says Lem, in a huff. “No matter what.”

“Fine. But I’m going to make your life a nightmare if you don’t love me.” says Lacey.

“Why?” asks Lem, laughing.

“Because…I love you. I don’t want you ruining your life.” says Lacey.

“You couldn’t.” says Lem.

“Then neither of us better die.” says Lacey.

“I’m sure if one of us does…we’ll still be together somehow. Someday.” says Lem.

“Don’t tease me!” yells Lacey.

“You’re afraid I’ll die first.” says Lem, calmly.

“You could manage without me. I’m terrified to live without you.” says Lacey.

“You’d manage.” says Lem. “Some wealthy young man would come along and love you.”

“But he isn’t you.” says Lacey. “You can’t replace people, Lem.”

“I am unique.” says Lem.

“Don’t remind me.” says Lacey, crying.

“Don’t worry…if I die first I’ll-“ says Lem before going silent.

“Kill me.” says Lacey.

“Would you kill me?” asks Lem.

“Only if God thought I should.” says Lacey.

“Then you would.” says Lem. “But you’re going to have children. And one of us needs to be alive for them.”

“Love is dangerous this side of Heaven.” says Lacey.

“We’ll be fine.” says Lem. “I’ll make it fine.”

“Do you think God would let you?” asks Lacey.

“Yes. He’s loving.” says Lem.

“You’re so…hopeful.” says Lacey.

“I’m hopeful enough for both of us. You go ahead and doubt…but do it the way you do.” says Lem.

“How do I do it?” asks Lacey.

“You ask millions of questions and search endlessly and seek truth without restraint…outside of human decency and the bounds of morality. You’re…impossible. I’ve never met someone more impossible than you. And yet…you love me. I know you do.” says Lem.

“I don’t mean to be impossible.” says Lacey.

“It’s alright. I’ll posses you.” says Lem.

“As my husband.” says Lacey.

“Of course.” says Lem. “It just sounds scary when you describe it.”

“I don’t mean to be impossible.” says Lacey.

“God made you a woman…and I love you. You satisfy me. Like nothing else and no one else. I die…inside…without meaning. And you remind me why I care.” says Lem. “About anything and everything…almost at all.”

“You couldn’t replace me?” asks Lacey.

“I’d be a failure at being myself. I’d be a failure at…existing.” says Lem.

“Gosh. We’re incredibly fortunate to have found each other.” says Lacey.

“I don’t worship you. I’m not…evil. I just…love your…perspective. I…feel blind otherwise.” says Lem.

“But you and Jack are such good friends.” says Lacey.

“I’m not homosexual.” says Lem. “I’m sure of it since we made love. My mother was right. I’m confused. …I got confused. …And I can’t imagine how tangled my brain would be if you weren’t here to help me.” says Lem.

“You do seem possessive.” says Lacey.

“But you love it.” says Lem.

“Gosh…I must bore you.” says Lacey.

“No. Never.” says Lacey.

“You’ll have to spend the rest of our lives convincing me of that. I’m sorry…if it’s true.” says Lacey.

“I’d expect that with you. So I anticipated that. Don’t worry. I don’t mind.” says Lem.

“But I would. You poor thing!” says Lacey.

“Someday you’ll feel safer. And I’ll feel like I accomplished something amazing. And yet I’ll feel like it was as easy as breathing.” says Lem.

“Don’t ever let me wander off.” says Lacey.

“Wander off?” asks Lem.

“Yes. I feel like I have tendency to get disoriented.” says Lacey.

“You have an excepted sense of direction.” says Lem.

“Yes! But I get confused. In my own way.” says Lacey.

“I’ll keep track of you. Don’t worry.” says Lem.

“I’ll try to keep track of you too.” says Lacey. “But you might have to find me first.”

100% Sustainable by M. I. A. plays.

Except it’s 2023 and Lacey is alive and Lem is dead. It’s a fallen world. I’m sorry…but there is evil in the world.

And what about it? What about Lacey and Lem? Well…it’s a mess.

Kids With Guns by Gorillaz plays.

And so Lacey feels like a loser. Why? Because she’s sexy…and Lem loves her.

“More than I loved anyone. I was straight. But I couldn’t have loved anyone as much as her.” says Lem. “Does that bother you?”

“I think they hate it.” says Lacey.

“But Lem, Jack loved you so much!” says a gay man sarcastically.

“Yeah. Even if I was bisexual…or pansexual…you’d have a good argument. Indeed.” says Lem.

“Do people care how much they’re loved? Other than me?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!!” says Kevin Spacey. “They do!! …And Lacey…I’d like to take this moment to point out that…you read me as gay…with a question mark attached…first. And then you were told repeatedly to believe I was heterosexual.”

Awoo by Sofi Tukker plays.

“Yeah. It’s unclear who you’re attracted to beyond men. You might be nuts. But I like you as a person.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. I know. …I might be evil. But I get you. More than most people do.” says Kevin Spacey.

“I think it’s your intelligence.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. And things make me sad about life too.” says Kevin Spacey.

“We aren’t jaded. We’re…aware of Hell.” says Lacey.

“Yes! True!” says Kevin Spacey.

“I hope neither of us are there for eternity.” says Lacey.

“You really think you can be that evil?” asks Kevin Spacey.

“Not necessarily. But evil is evil. And God is that perfect.” says Lacey.

“I have to think He’s merciful. A little on occasion.” says Kevin Spacey.

“I want to believe that. But my life…has almost never spoken to that. I’ve earned every second of happiness I’ve ever had with gritted teeth and blood.” says Lacey. “To me life is pure worthless misery outside of what rare human love I’ve experienced.”

“Even perfume.” says Kevin Spacey.

“I’d destroy all perfume in a second to send us to God.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Me too. …No. I actually agree with you.” says Kevin Spacey. “All art. Life isn’t that great. For lots of us. …But I still think God is merciful.”

“You’re merciful.” says Lem to Lacey. “Are you better than God?”

“Fair enough.” says Lacey to Lem.

“No. I think He’s a fair judge…or He doesn’t exist at all.” says Kevin Spacey.

“You should repent.” Lacey says to Kevin. “To Jesus.”

And then to give him space she ends the conversation.

“I think you were just a friend to her. Whether you’re honest or not. Thank you.” says Lem.

Then he ends the conversation too.

The disaster is that millions of people love “Jack and Lem.” And Lacey doesn’t actually relish or enjoy obliterating that myth. She likes understanding and sharing truth…but she hates being the one to destroy people’s fairytales.

“But you told everyone that there was no Santa.” says John Krasinsky.

“Yes. But that was to be…Godly. I was told Santa was a lie. And somewhat evil. My mother didn’t like him. So…I trusted her…and felt the need to share what I had learned.” says Lacey.

Later.

I Bet On Losing Dogs by Mitski plays.

“This is a song about Lacey…to Lacey. She bets on herself. Somewhat ironically.” says Lem. “But not entirely.”

“She’s her own daughter?” asks Kevin Spacey.

“Yes.” says Tom Banks. “She’s mostly…become her own mother. And father. And it’s Hellish to watch. Even if I’m not in Hell.”

“I’ll watch her die.” says Lem. “She just doesn’t know it yet.”

“I helped ruin her life.” says Joe Kennedy Junior.

“We gave her false hope. She’d be dead by now if not for us.” says Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

“No! You didn’t! Life is wonderful!” says Dr. Moritz. “God is good! The Kingdom of God is now!”

“This is the Kingdom of God?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!!” says Dr. Moritz. “It’s…God’s will that Earth should be redeemed.”

“Then I should kill you. And most living humans.” says Eric Harris to Dr. Moritz.

“I agree!” says Woody Allen.

“I do believe in God! God is good. But…you’re far too idealistic or evil.” says Lacey to Dr. Moritz.

“Look…how did you give her false hope?” asks Woody Allen of Eunice Kennedy Shriver.

“We let her believe America was…awe-inspiring.” says Eunice.

“What would she have thought otherwise?” asks Jimmy Stewart.

“That…the world was rotten. Aside from Africa, Minnesota, France, and Great Britain. We used the ocean to seduce her.” says Eunice. “And my oldest brother pretended to be Elliott Roosevelt.”

“But God created Earth.” says Jonah Wiley.

“True.” says Lacey.

“Lacey loves the ocean?” asks Woody Allen. “Lots of people do.”

“Yes! And I’m one of them.” says Lacey.

“So you used your oceanfront property…to confuse her.” says a reader.

“Yes! She made it…different in her head.” says Eunice.

“Where? Where did she make Cape Cod?” asks an Englishwoman.

“The Pacific Northwest and Maine. And Northern Minnesota.” says Elliott Roosevelt.

“Easy mistake to make.” says a Lem-Is-Gay fan.

“She’s not Jack.” says Elliott.

“Well aren’t you difficult!” says the Lem-Is-Gay fan.

“No. She’s not.” says Elliott.

Hidden In The Sand by Tally Hall plays as a very dark requiem.

“This song is all about Jack Kennedy’s love for Lem!!” says a Lem-Is-Gay fan.

“Gee! Yeah!” says another Lem-Is-Gay fan.

“Or Lem’s love for Jack!” says yet another Lem-Is-Gay fan, brightly.

And if there’s reincarnation in the Bible now is when Lacey is hit by a bus? Or a truck? In London…after Lem’s death. Because she isn’t Jack. Lacey and Jack are two different people. They’re not at all the same people.

“We knew that!!” yell many Lem-Is-Gay fans when they die. “We didn’t take that seriously!”

“I’m in Hell because you tempted me.” says Jack Kennedy to his living fans. “I’m struggling to get out.”

“This song has an aesthetic like How I Met Your Mother.” says Bob Saget. “Jack regressed.” The song starts over. “I was evil. You knew that Lacey. …Why did you loathe How I Met Your Mother?”

“You seemed nuts. …Because it was so shallow.” says Lacey.

“He was queer.” says Bob Saget.

“I wanted to kill that character.” says Lacey.

“He’s a hateful prick.” says Bob Saget. “Who’s queer.”

“Did the writers even know that?” asks Lacey.

“Yes and no.” says Bob Saget

“That’s so naive.” says Lacey.

“Yes. It is.” says Bob Saget.

“Did you know that?” asks Lacey.

“Yes. Maybe. I had a dark view of reality.” says Bob Saget.

“The marriage is so fake. Everyone is so fake.” says Lacey.

“They are. But why did you hate that show?” asks Bob Saget.

“Because I was dating a super optimistic, short twat of a man who loved that show.” says Lacey.

“Ahh yes. The partner who has disgusting taste problem.” says Bob Saget.

“Yes. Exactly. …But I don’t want to be that hateful.” says Lacey.

“He cheated on you with a fairly unattractive woman and then married her.” says Bob Saget.

“I didn’t want to think that badly of him.” says Lacey.

“What if you had?” asks Bob Saget.

Keep Still by Belong plays.

“I’d have changed my major to Art History.” says Lacey. “That semester. Or I’d have given-up on being happy.” She thinks. “Or I’d have…prayed to die. Secretly. In the recesses of my mind.”

“Why?” asks Bob Saget, terrified.

“I…think all the dots would have connected. And I’d have seen the end. And I would have decided to give-up unless God said otherwise.” says Lacey.

“Because he was so conceited. And yet everyone thought he was a genius.” says Bob Saget.

“Yes. And if people were that off…having kids was dangerous.” says Lacey.

“Off in their…science?” asks Bob Saget.

“Yes. But it’s not science. …It’s an overconfidence in…the 20th Century.” says Lacey.

“It wasn’t a terrible century.” says Bob Saget.

“No. True. But it was…deceptively optimistic.” says Lacey.

“It was a shit century for lovers.” says Bob Saget. “Seriously. Romance died in the 20th Century. We slowly killed it.”

“Yes!! The Great Gatsby.” says Lacey.

“Yes! Honestly…I’m sorry. But God…has to redeem it. And it’ll be a miracle. In many cases.” says Bob Saget.

“Yeah. She just wanted a simple love story. No big deal!” says Joe Kennedy Junior about Lacey. “Lem would that have bored you?”

“Yeah. Would it?” asks Elliott.

“No! And nothing with Lacey is boring.” says Lem.

Later.

“Don’t worry. The character of Skippy was Jewish.

He is a lot like Lem and Lacey…but he was a Jew…and if it doesn’t work out with Lem there’s still me…and Louis and Michael and she has been in love with all of us and probably still is to some degree. Michael and her love each other very deeply and she adores his family. She really does. And it isn’t because they’re the Rockefellers it’s just who they are. She likes them as people.

Louis and her are inseparable in a way…and I know that she wants him there when she dies because I think even if Lem’s there, Louis being there will somehow be like hearing the actual voice of God…as it actually is.

And I am a safe haven for her. I relate to the song I Bet On Losing Dogs myself. I could easily have sang that song about myself while I was alive.” says Harold Loeb.

Wait by M83 plays. M83? Michael. 1983.

And at that Jonah cries.

“So…she’s doomed. Because even Dr. Moritz is all wrong for her. She’s too old…in a very real way…in her soul.” says Jonah.

“Maybe.” says Kevin Spacey. “Some people are really suffering, Jonah.” He thinks. “It’s real.

“But then we fight!” says Jonah.

“Until you die. Yes. …But I died? And…maybe there’s no going back? I don’t know.” says Lacey.

“She isn’t dead. According to the 20th Century. But…humans exist outside of the 20th Century.” says Bob Saget. “What if…she’s alive…mostly?”

“What happened?!?” asks Jonah.

“Her brain…experienced too much pain…and…a part of her died from it…it was too severe. And too ongoing. It’s not uncommon. Just…most people don’t…realize it…until they’re completely dead.” says Bob Saget.

“I died at 13. A little.” says Lem. “I wanted to commit suicide after Jack died because…I couldn’t believe my life made sense anymore. He was my sole occupation. Sadly.” He thinks. “I wasn’t…actually in love. I’m sorry if that’s difficult to understand.”

“But the point I was trying to make…is that…Lem loves her. And if he’s Lem…and God is allowing us to talk to her…it’s not that God doesn’t care. God cares regardless…but He would be trying to reach out by letting us interact with her if we are. …I’m sorry if we’re upsetting you with this Lem business. But it doesn’t mean you have to stop being honest about your orientation. No! That’s a perverse interpretation or a vile misunderstanding. …She’s not at all in favor of lying. And Lem isn’t lying. …Look…to my generation it’s not shocking. We expected shocking things. Complicated men who weren’t insane but terrified us with their mistakes and wowed us with their romantic nature.” says Harold. “EM Forster wrote about Lem. He died of a heart attack. And he barely made love to Lacey. …Their romance is tragic. He’s dead. It barely happens in the fallen world. But…it does happen.

Lacey lost a ring. It fell behind a desk. In her room. And it was lost for weeks. But then Lem suggested to her to check in her jewelry cleaning solution. Over and over. And somehow it was there.

Curtains move. Radiators make noises at odd times…like right after she sees ghosts. We exist. The real question is: what are we?

Lacey is more than ready to let us go…if her prayers weren’t answered in a way she can understand. She understands the fact of the vile nature of life in a fallen world for some very unfortunate people. But…if she’s understanding correctly from God…I’m Harold Loeb. Thee Harold Loeb. Robert Cohn from The Sun Also Rises.

And…someday…if you read this blog…you won’t be lost when you die and meet us. If you want to. Tell me your thoughts if you can be kind. How well did we do at making ourselves heard?” asks Harold