“Hey, mom…I’m pretty sure F. Scott Fitzgerald’s ghost appeared to me in a dream.” says Lacey in 2014.
“Oh. Okay.” says Becca.
“Isn’t that something?” says Lacey.
Becca ignores her.
“Mom, isn’t that something?” asks Lacey.
Becca ignores her.
“Mom, isn’t that something?” asks Lacey.
“What was that?” asks Becca.
“Isn’t that something?” asks Lacey.
I Feel The Weight by Miike Snow plays.
“Yeah. I guess that would be.” says Becca patronizingly.
“Yeah. It’s odd. But I’m pretty sure it happened.” says Lacey.
Becca ignores her.
Walk On By by Dionne Warwick plays.
Lacey gives-up.
This was their typical conversation…after Lacey was about…15 or so. Becca was impossible to have a deep conversation with about almost anything as an adult. She was often completely disinterested or acted confused and annoyed by Lacey caring about anything and everything beyond a shallow, gross obsession with being mindless and yet extremely holy.
“Becca. What happens after you die?” asks John Seay.
“Hmm. Well…I guess it’s just Heaven. Huh?” asks Becca.
“Straight to Heaven?” asks John.
“Yes! But it’s not a place.” says Dr. Moritz.
“Yup. Sure. I like making friends with rich white people. There’s not a place called Hell.” says the Pope, in a giant oops.
Paint The Town Red by Doja Cat plays.
Lacey snaps in unison.
Ancient Egypt comes out to play.
“When I die I’m going to Heaven. Instantly!” says Becca. “And I’ll feel as perfect on the inside as a pretend to be on the outside. I know I’m a horrible person. But…with Jesus…I can be perfect. Instantly. And you can too!”
“Well…I’m not dying. Not anytime soon.” says Dr. Moritz.
Get Into It (Yah) by Doja Cat plays.
Dr. Moritz walks around at 5 foot 8 inches with shades in a tropical shirt and linen shorts with sandals. He’s chill.
“Life is about…living.” says Dr. Moritz.
“That’s right!!!” yells Joe Biden.
Love Lockdown by Kanye West plays.
And at that Joe is injected with more fillers.
“I had Botox.” says Dr. Moritz.
“Oh yeah? I get that too.” says Joe.
“Aren’t you constantly traveling?” asks Lacey.
“Yeah. So what?” says Dr. Moritz.
“And Joe and Becca have atrial fibrillation?” says Lacey.
“Yeah! I mean…I could die.” says Becca.
“Yeah right! People like us don’t die.” says Joe.
“Nope.” says Lord Snotgrass,
Later.
Fuck Wit Dre Day by Dr. Dre plays.
Dr. Evil, Becca, Joe and Lord Snotgrass saunter on a scorched Hawaiin beach. In slow motion walking towards us. Smoke rises. A burnt tree falls in the background as if on cue.
It’s a reality show.
The music now about big penises fades as the camera focuses on Dr. Moritz. It’s time to interview him.
“So Torsten what brings you to this episode of Keen To Cross The Pondasks Pat Wilson.
“I think I’m on this blog post whatever you wanna call it- Episode? I would say it’s more of a post but an episode? No, given the definition of the word episode this isn’t an episode. This is a post…umm…but if you prefer to use the word episode…I suppose that we can use the word episode…if you can put it into a context that actually is feasible- I mean if you-you should probably if you wanna best communicate to your audience use the word post…when asking me…although on that hermeneutical note, I would suggest that you are being colloquial to myself and that perhaps maybe you’re just being silly, and in which case…umm…I would say what brings me to this episode…is probably the fact that even though I’m in my 60s at this point…I have very little fear of death. I don’t believe that it’s really that big of a deal. I don’t think death is anything to be afraid of. I think it’s probably a bit like sneezing. And I don’t think it’s anything for anyone to worry about. I think we spend far too much time worrying about things like death and Hell and not enough time thinking about bringing the Kingdom of Heaven into the here and now…which is really what the text is asking us to do. That’s what God is asking us to do in the text if you care about the text at all.
I mean…that’s what you really should be focused on instead of thinking about what happens after you die. Okay? No…it’s the here and now that the text is asking us to focus on…so I suppose what brings me to this episode is probably a desire to honor the text.” says Dr. Moritz.
“Yo dog! Yo, what’s up bitch?“ says Dr. Evil (not his real name).
“I take it that you have had great luck with your rapping career in purgatory?” asks the host.
“Ahh yeah my wife actually ended-up finding me really attractive in my music video and I’ve got quite a fan base. It turns out…I am far more fly than I realized while I was alive.” he says. “Lacey has a fat face. She thinks she’s so fucking hot. I hate that bitch.”
“Weren’t you a Bible professor at Messiah College, and a missionary for a while before that?” asks Dr. Long.
“Yeah, you know. So that no shit.” says Dr. Evil.
“Are you being facetious right now or are you in rebellion against God because you’re mad that there’s purgatory?” asks Dr. Al Long.
“Yeah, I am somewhat in rebellion against God. I don’t like her. Why would why the hell was she in my class?“ says Dr. Evil.
Hold Ya Head by The Notorious B. I. G.
“I don’t think we’re going to get much theological commentary from Dr. Evil at this point.” says the host.
“I am not dead.
I mean…I may have died.
Was it-Do you know if I had a heart attack?
You know it’s possible. It’s possible that I’m not in my 60s anymore and this is some sort of dream within death that made me think I was alive for a moment…but I don’t think I’m really dead. I think I’m just…I think this is kind of like umm…a weird experience…and I am dead but I am not dead. No, because I don’t think that if I was dead that I would be so unaware of the fact that I am dead. I think I’m probably still alive somewhere and this is just a very silly blog post.” says Moritz.
“That’s what I think too. I don’t think we’re dead either. I don’t think we’re dead either. I think that-that when I too had a heart attack and started seeing my first wife everywhere that it was just sort of- I’m sorry I can’t do this. I know I’m dead.” says Joe Biden. He walks off.
And at that Whatever You Like by T. I. plays as a cover performed by Dr. Evil. He’s on a beach on stage. With a crowd. At heart he was always just a performing artist. And teaching was his only way to get a captive audience. Ou non?
The cover plays.
“That’s disgusting.” says Lacey. “Eww.”
Party Up by DMX plays as Dr. Evil (not his real name) raps another cover.
“Let’s talk about bringing the Kingdom of God to Earth.” says Dr. Moritz over the noise
“You know there are more people who are dead than who are alive, so why are we focused on the people who are alive when there are more people who are dead?” asks Saint Peter.
“I’m not worried. I know God is taking care of them. …I’m just saying…we need to bring change.” says Dr. Moritz.
“What would you like to change?” asks Saint Peter.
“A lot!” says Moritz.
“Like what?” asks Saint Peter.
“Well poverty. I would get rid of poverty.” says Dr. Moritz.
“Just financial poverty, or all sorts of poverty?” asks Saint Peter.
“I was primarily focused on financial poverty.” says Moritz.
“So you’re not worried about child molestation or global warming. You’re more focused on poverty?” says Saint Peter.
“I think poverty is the most pressing issue of our time. I think all other issues are not as relevant as the issue of poverty.” says Moritz.
“And you think that in the weird dream that you’re having that you were anticipating you will shortly be coming out of…that it’s still helpful to bring poverty to an end to bring Heaven to Earth?” asks Saint Peter.
“Yes. I think if we could bring poverty to an end that the world would be a far more godly place.” says Dr. Moritz.
Kick in the Door by The Notorious B. I. G. plays.
“Hi Becca. I’m F. Scott Fitzgerald.” says Scott to Becca when she dies.
And you’d assume that she’d instantly know that she died.
The song plays.
The song plays.
“I was evil. But not like some people.” says Biggie. “And maybe I repented before I died. I had heard the gospel.”
So Becca. Does she know? Or does she start making excuses? Like she did while she was alive. But it’s different.
It’s like walking versus driving at 120 miles per an hour? There’s lots of thrills. But you can slide into Hell. Or giant red snakes. Who eat you. In a second. ? That’s the impression I get. But I don’t know.
So…when Becca lies…it’s not like when she was alive. But if she does die in any sort of rebellion again Christ…does she get potentially stuck that way for a few centuries? Or what?
“Hi Becca. I’m F. Scott Fitzgerald.” says Scott Fitzgerald.
Does it go like this:
“Oh. Hi. I’m Becca!” she says smiling.
“Yeah. Do you know who I am?” asks Scott, in grave concern.
“Ahh…you’re an author.” says Becca.
“Yeah. Say…you’re dead!” says Scott.
“Yeah. Huh. Wow!” says Becca.
“Do you hear God’s voice?” asks Scott.
“Yeah! I do! Oh wow.” says Becca in awe.
She wanders off into cloud of light. Talks to God. Decides to have lunch. With Lois.
It’s like being alive. She arranges to have lunch with her mom. She watches television. Feels young. Looks young. Everything is cool.
But…a hundred years later…it’s Hell. Because nothing happens. Nothing changes. And Becca refuses to let God come near her. She bites His arm when he tries to correct her.
The song plays.
“I’m not God. But neither are you.” says Michael Rockefeller. “Where are we? Wake-up? Really?”
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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