“Santa Claus” by Honey Fitz

Lacey told all the kids at school that there was no Santa Claus. And it was purely because she worried about their eternal souls. She was eight.

Earlier today I thought maybe she was bullying them. But turns out she really did basically raise herself. And she was bullied by them too. So if she did tell them for any cruel reason it was two-fold. And what I just said was wrong. Partially wrong.

She was…

Antonin Dvorák’s Slavonic Dances For Orchestra plays.

She was…oh dear. I can barely handle this. Oh dear.

*he has to sit down*

See…Lacey was raised by missionaries. And she was taught the importance of preaching God’s word. So…she decided to um…

“She was being violent.” says a dead Scottish woman.

“Yes. I was.” says Lacey. “But I didn’t know it. I was only eight.”

“Were you bullying them.” says a black man.

“I don’t know. I hope not.” says Lacey.

“I get it.” says a rapper.

“Yeah. It’s not far removed from that.” says Lacey.

“From rap culture.” says Lem.

“But she’s so ladylike.” says a classmate.

“Yes!” says a rapper. “She’s…not a rapper.“

“But their zeitgeist is similar.” says Lacey.

“We don’t like that word.” says a white man.

“Alright. How about…their spiritual formation as an entity in a particular psychological capacity and context is similar.” says Lacey.

“We don’t like capacity.” says Dr. Miller.

“Alright. How about: The spiritual formation of rappers is similar as entities to Lacey Banks’s spiritual formation as an entity in a particular psychological regard in a similar context.” says Lacey.

“How about you slow down and say it perfectly!??” yells Honey Fitz at Lacey Banks.

“Because you’re dogs and monkeys, not men and you’ll rape me.” says Lacey.

“We would never do that!” say most living adult men.

“No! They’d never do that!” says gross, egotistical, worthless women. “They wanna rape all of us. Equally. Being more intelligent or attractive doesn’t make them get turned on and rape you. Ugly women get raped too.”

“That’s true that ugly women get raped too.” says Lacey.

“But you’re wrong about the rest of it.” says Lem.

“Want to learn more about Russians? We gave great art. You’ll love being Russian.” says a Russian perfume collector.

“Actually…you do.” says Lacey. “Don’t be crass.”

“I agree.” says Tsar Putin.

The Russian perfume collector sits down. Sulks.

“Don’t worry. Tsar Putin won’t let Americans ruin Russian culture.” says Lacey.

“So Lem isn’t attracted to men?” asks gay men.

“No.” says Lacey. “He might not have been.”

“Is that funny to you?” asks a gay man smiling.

Deck The Halls by London Symphony Orchestra plays.

“Yes.” says Lacey. “To be honest.”

“Who are you in The Shining?” asks a gay man of Lacey.

“I don’t say, ‘Great party, isn’t it?’ I say, ‘Bloody grand party…isn’t it?’” says Lacey. “I guess I wasn’t in the film.”

“I would have said, ‘Like the party?’ from behind her.” says Tom Banks. “I sold illegal alcohol.”

“Dammit. You’re not Jack…and Lem really might have been straight.” says a living gay man to Lacey.

“So the Romanovs used Lacey.” says a lesbian, in The Shining…as she collapses in shock.

“Yeah.” says a dead Romanov, smiling.

“Because Lem is straight! And they knew?!” asks a living actress.

“Yup.” says the ghost in The Shining.

“So they used Jack and his family and all gay men?” says a living feminist.

“Yes.” says Lady Sackville-West.

“So Lacey is Jack reincarnated!??” asks the living feminist, excitedly.

“No.” says Vita, laughing at her out of love.

“So Lacey is Jack reincarnated!?!?” says the lesbians with excitement.

The Russian perfume collector laughs, but then feels sorry for them. Looks serious.

“Let’s not be mean, Lacey.” says a dead Romanov to Lacey Banks.

“Is it mean?” says Lacey, tenderly.

“No!” says Victoria.

Lacey stares at her.

A dead Romanov laughs. “Oh well…maybe. A little.” she says to Lacey.

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“Because! Just because!” says Kick’s mother-in-law, rolling her eyes. “I agree, Lacey. Why!??”

“Because you’re smarter than them.” says Queen Mary to Lacey.

“You don’t really think that. Stop mocking my misery.” says Lacey, bitterly.

Queen Mary cries. Walks off.

“I’m a bitch.” says Vita. “Lacey…you can’t tell the other kids that.”

“Why!?” asks Lacey.

“Because it makes them feel sad!” says Vita.

“Sad? Why!?” says Lacey.

“Because…you’re ruining their fun on Christmas Day.” says Vita.

“Yes. But that’s better than ruining their eternity. That was my thought.” says Lacey.

A dead Romanov laughs.

“Mm.” says Vita.

“Lacey…what does Santa Claus have to do with Christmas?” asks Victoria.

“Right. So I was taught that he ruined Christmas for Jesus.” says Lacey. She thinks. “Remember. I was eight.”

“Oh shit! That’s right. You were eight.” says Vita.

“You just made asses of yourselves. Congratulations.” says Queen Elizabeth’s grandmother to Vita and her mother. “You’re talking down to her. Why? …And she was only eight.”

Womanizer by Britney Spears plays on behalf of Tom Banks. Lacey’s father.

“Oh a song sung by some dumb, vain bitch about my daddy.” says Lacey.

“Tom actually loves Lacey? As a father!?!” asks Bobby Kennedy Junior, baffled and floundering like a fish out of water. “Why!? That’s not cool! What!? HOW!?”

“He’s just my daddy.” says Lacey. “He takes naps. And feeds me bottles.”

“Okay. Let’s be nice.” says Tsar Putin.

“They make it so easy!!” says Tolstoy.

“But that’s the only love she’s ever been shown that was sincere…her whole life.” says an actress.

“My son was a bit of a womanizer when he first met Lacey too…but now he’s faithful and they’re extremely close. …But I highly doubt that her daughter, my granddaughter, would probably see her father Mark as a womanizer in that capacity.” says Ken Schiebel.

“What is a womanizer?! I have been called a womanizer and yet I don’t think Lacey sees me as a womanizer.” says Tsar Putin.

“I might like Britney. But…she’s a vain bitch in this song.” says Lacey.

Womanizer by Britney Spears plays.

“Why?” asks Bobby.

“Because. She’s so so conceited.” says Lacey. “She imagines she’d automatically win against everyone else he’s sleeping with!? WHY!? Who the fuck is she to him!? His twin flame!? …Or what!? A perfect woman? It’s…sick.”

“So to Lacey, this woman is your father’s stalker?” asks a woman.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

The song plays.

“Well…maybe not stalker. But…she’s gross.” says Lacey. “She’s eww.”

“It’s this part that irritates you: “Maybe if we both lived in a different world, yeah
(Womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, womanizer)
It would be all good and maybe I could be your girl
But I can’t, ’cause we don’t, you!” says Justin Timberlake.

“Yes!!” says Lacey. “GROSS.”

“So Lem was obviously straight.” says Asia.

“Possible. Yes.” says Tsar Putin.

“So what if I was in love with your father and you just thought that I was crazy…but actually I’m just like in love with him…and I’m trying to sort of tell myself that I could work out to be with to him…and also just like because I’m in love with him?” says Britney Spears.

“But why are you assuming that he gives a shit?” asks Lacey.

“Because we’re sleeping together.” says Britney.

“Yeah, and you’re also yelling at him like you’re some self righteous Puritan with a pitchfork that he’s a womanizer, so why do you think he cares?“ says Lacey.

“No, she’s right it doesn’t make any sense because it’s like I’m having this heart-to-heart with him that I’m superior and I’m gonna kick his ass and yet I’m just like, ‘Well but maybe like I don’t know what I’m talking about…and I’m just a death sentence yet like we’re meant to be together and we’re soulmates?’ So…fuck you’re right. I do sound like a conceited bitch, because why would I think that unless if I would just blow everyone else out of the water? I don’t even know those woman! I know that they exist, but I don’t even know who half of them are.” she says.

“Right and if you are his soulmate, then you have to ask yourself sweetie, ‘What is it that I have with him that’s so valuable?’ And if it’s that valuable then why are you being an asshole to him considering that he’s an alcoholic with psychological problems?” says Lacey. “I mean it’s like you want him…but you don’t want him…and yet you do!?! You’d win but you don’t know that you’d win…but you know that you would! …I mean you don’t make any sense on a certain level…and it makes me wonder if you’re just pure evil or like insane.” says Lacey.

“Yeah, I have a feeling her father sweeties…was actually an incredibly intelligent, psychologically complex person…who we don’t really understand in American culture and I would be cautious…except I think this is an interesting conversation because I don’t think Americans really do understand men like her father, even though we’ve had them in our country probably since the beginning. I don’t think that we actually understand those men most at all.” says Thomas Jefferson. “In America.”

“No her father had an attachment disorder, probably caused by childhood trauma from his mother dying when he was 12. Right? And…and he probably had some conception of women needing to be as perfect as he wanted them to be. Okay? And it’s possible that her mother actually met the criteria but then wasn’t faithful to him and ran off essentially and I don’t think it has anything to do with his age. I think her mother might have been very difficult and aware of her beauty and just thought she didn’t need to settle…so even though Margy was in a somewhat committed relationship with Tom…it probably wasn’t a fully committed relationship because she was a stewardess. And he was OK with that because he thought that was fair. …I mean he was living with his long-term mistress…and that’s where I think he probably had his heart broken…because he had to realize that umm…he really wasn’t you know superman when it came to love. And he actually was probably just very unlucky. I have a feeling she’s a lot like Lacey or Lacey is a lot like her father and umm…and he’s probably a bit more bumbling than Lacey is. Believe it or not. And if he held her…no…I have a feeling he was devastated when they gave her up, but he probably didn’t cry, and just kept it to himself. And that’s the part of him that was dysfunctional…in a way. …And that’s where Lacey’s angry as a daughter who needs a mom because it’s like, ‘Why can’t women ever figure out how to love my father!?’ And to some degree love her. And in a sense why can’t anyone figure out how to love either of them?! …Because it’s like, ‘Why is it so complicated for you?! You buffoons! No…everyone’s complicated…you WORTHLESS PIECES OF SHIT…and we have all of you figured out….we could run the whole world. We have. Actually. …So you fucking figure it out! YOU’RE TURN! …Why can’t you just fucking figure us out and love us?! Huh!?’ And…and no they’re not in love. …They’re just a father and daughter and sometimes a father and daughter can be a lot alike. Right? You all are intelligent enough to know that? I hope.

So grow-up! You intoxicated dumbasses randomly found Lacey Banks. You dumbasses. …So…for future reference: this is why when someone like her tells you, ‘I’m from an oil rich family. We have knighted authors in our family!’ as the spiritual experts you think you are…you should realize that that’s probably coming from a sincere hearted person who honoring full disclosure. I don’t think you know what you’re talking about with lots of stuff though. So…” says a female journalist for The Economist. She shrugs.

“So she’s in love with Chris right? Even though Diego was shot?” asks Bobby.

“No Bobby, she’s not in love with Diego or Chris. That was her thinking that they were Michael Rockefeller, who you’re not threatened by right?” says JD Rockefeller.

“I am sure there are a lot of living witches who would date Tom, but it would be a little weird. And I think most of them know that it isn’t weird like they’re weird necessarily. No. No, it’s more just that it would be strange. It just would be weird! Right? And it’s complicated.

But to be honest Thelma knew that and so did Reta and so did Coco Chanel who might actually have had a relationship with him very briefly. I think the person who’s devastated Lacey the most though is Margy. If Lacey’s illegitimate, Margy is devastating to her most and I understand that…believe it or not.” says Coco Chanel. She laughs. “It’s like The Crusades!”

Vita laughs.

“What did Santa Claus to do Jesus?” asks Victoria of Lacey.

“He stole Christmas to secularize it for the humanists.” says Lacey.

“Oh. I see.” says a witch.

“Yes. So. We have to out him as an imposter.” says Lacey.

“To save Christmas, Lacey?” asks an actor.

“To save everything.” says Lacey.

“Did it work?” asks a man.

“I don’t know. I worry I just hurt people with it.” says Lacey, softly.

“What did Santa do!?” asks Vita.

“He wrapped a rope around Jesus’s neck…and then drug him in the manger…with a horse and buggy…until Jesus died. Except he couldn’t die. Because He’s Jesus. So…Santa just….drowned Him in frustration.” says Lacey.

“Wow! Santa is a psychopath.” says Wisconsin.

“That was my sincere impression of him when I was a kid.” says Lacey.

“No. You’re making this up as an adult!!” says Bobby with Wisconsin.

“Except no. That’s not quite right. Bobby this is fact.” says Vita Sackville-West.

“I don’t care.” says Bobby.

“You don’t care?” asks Queen Victoria.

“I don’t care! Yeah! I don’t care!” says Bobby, in a huff.

“Oh. Like you…have no emotion?” says Lacey.

“Oh! You think you’re smart!? Huh!? Yeah…okay. I’d fuck your worthless ass…but I don’t care about your sad childhood you dumb bitch. See! I just aroused you. Loser.” says Bobby.

Later.

“Oh I’m sorry. You’re serious. No I’m not aroused. You’re not really that attractive, Bobby. You’ve been going around making an ass of yourself your whole life.” says Lacey. “It’s a shame no one ever told you. You’re not very bright sometimes. And you’re short.”

“I’m my father’s son.” he says.

“Yah!!” says Lacey, smiling.

Later.

“People find me attractive, Lacey!” says Bobby.

“But you’re so short.” says Lacey.

“They don’t care.” says Bobby.

“That’s hard to believe.” says Lacey.

“Oh. So you’re always stunned when people find other people attractive?” says Cheryl Hines to Lacey.

“Yes!” says Lacey. She worries. “But I’ve gotten used to it.”

“Are humans ugly?” asks Cheryl.

“A lot of them.” says Lacey.

Amanda Bynes laughs.

“Yeah. See. It’s just true.” says Lacey. “Most people are highly overrated.”

“I actually agree.” says Biggie.

“Look…there are attractive people…but…most people aren’t that attractive.” says Lacey.

“So you understand human sexuality. To some degree. But…you find us picky, pedantic and evil. And are amazed when we recognize beauty in another person?” asks Asia.

“Yes!!!” says Lacey. “EXACTLY.”

Pavane by Gabriel Fauré as performed by the Chœur de l’Orchestre de Paris plays.