“I’m Confused” by Lacey Banks

What was the point of talking to me?

“Diego just wanted to fuck you.” says Chris Hayes.

Like have a short-term fling?

“Yeah.” says Chris Hayes.

Then why don’t go away?

“Because Diego wasn’t narcissistically satisfied.” says Chris Hayes.

And I suppose you believe I’m too lowly to be able to defend myself?

“That’s the idea my clique in the American Illuminati has had for eight years.” says Chris Shaw-Hayes.

So being from New Amsterdam old money and all that and being a Nesheim isn’t enough?

“No. We have no respect for social order.” says Chris Shaw-Hayes on behalf of the evil American Illuminati.

(Adult content below)

So you don’t care about hospitals or schools or fashion or art or anything?

“No. We don’t. We’re in the Illuminati.” says Chris Shaw-Hayes.

Kick In The Door by The Notorious B. I. G. plays.

Oh Boy by Cam’ron plays.

“DAMN!” says Lacey Banks. “You…A REALLY BIG DEAL, BOY!”

Chris Shaw-Hayes looks at her confused.

“What, nigga?” says Lacey. “So y’all should just go fuck the mud because that’s really hot isn’t it? SHIT!”

“Why do I want to go fuck mud now?“ says the entire evil Illuminati.

“I think it’s pretty much because you’re just a really big deal and you guys run the world and stuff.” says Lacey Banks.

“Huh. Okay.” says Chris Shaw-Hayes.

“Go do it, Nate-Dawg!” says Lacey.

“Okay!” says the evil American Illuminati.

And at that ancient Scotland has the evil American Illuminati making love to literal mud. They don’t notice the difference between that and the kids they molest or the adults they fuck either. JUMPIN by Pitbull & Lil Jon plays and they won’t stop with this obsession until they repent or die. They’re literally going to start being good to kids…because they’re going to become sexually obsessed with putting their genitalia in mud. And all will be good. JUMPIN plays because gay men made it weird.

“How did we make it weird?” asks a gay man.

“You made men be ladies to try to get off.” says Lacey Banks. “Lem took that to heart too. And yet if you talk to you about you all lie and get weird and shifty.”

“We aren’t fucking women.” says a gay man.

“No. You aren’t. So why did you pretend that?” asks Lacey.

“To cover for what we’re actually doing.” he says.

“Yeah. So…why do you still do that?” asks Lacey. “It’s…concerning.”

“We hate women and are narcissistic so we imitate them to compete with them over bisexual men. And…we still feel shame. And…we forgot and are bourgeois.” says a gay man.

“Yeah. But it’s weird.” says Lacey. “About the last one.”

“Probably because of the first two.” he says.

“To some degree.” says Lacey.

“So…I wasn’t bisexual or gay or pansexual.” says Lem. “I just thought I was gay.”

“So you don’t hate women?” asks the gay man.

“No! Not at all.” says Lem.

“Do you feel shame?” asks a gay man.

“No! Not at all. I never did!” says Lem. “I just thought I was gay.”

“So you impersonated us? And you thought you were like a woman?” asks a gay man. “But you weren’t embarrassed. So…you got into decorating and all that as a straight man.”

“Yes.” says Lem. “Gay men really are different.”

A gay man laughs.

“I’m sorry! Lem, we don’t mean to be mean.” says another gay man.

“I was pretty good at decorating.” says Lem.

“Okay. But like…really?!?” asks a gay man.

Lem thinks. “Not like Lacey. But…I was better than the Kennedys were. So they were impressed. …I was an old money dude with good, well-bred taste who was really trying…so they were impressed.”

“Yeah. But…did it look good? Or was it just…accurate?” asks Casi.

“It was accurate.” says Lem.