“Oil Doesn’t Matter” by the DNC

E-Pro by Beck plays.

Nikki Haley is Indian. Why not American? Because that’s not how it works. When you have dark skin you’re not American. Shh…it’s a secret.

“You’re a Colony in a Nation.” says the DNC.

“Why is she attacking me!?” asks Chris Loffredo Shaw-Hayes.

“Because you seem…like me.” says Michael Rockefeller.

“Come on! There is no Illuminati. If there was I’m sure I’d know about it.” says Chris Loffredo Shaw-Hayes.

Awkward pause.

“Why doesn’t oil matter anymore?” asks Nils Nesheim of the Illuminati.

“Because the name Meshbesher means more today than the name Banks.” says the American Illuminati.

“Okay. Have fun with that bullshit.” says Lacey Banks.

Randolph Murdaugh laughs. So does Iran.

“Umm…why does the name Meshbesher mean something?“ asks Randolph Murdaugh.

“Because I defended-I defended Thomas Banks, her father. And a lot of other people who are famous criminals. And so people know the name. Far more than Banks. They know Meshbesher, but they don’t know the name Tom Banks, because even though he was famous, and some people know who he is, who are really into history-local history but most people have no idea who he even is…even who live in the area. I mean local people would know who he is.

But MSNBC had no idea who Tom Banks was. And a lot of people don’t know who he is. But people could find me online. Easily.

In about 50 years people will probably have no idea who I am either though. …And actually I’m starting to get pissed-off because she’s right. You people have no respect for what came before you.” says Ron Meshbesher to the evil American Illuminati.

“But I don’t understand it. I like picking at Lacey’s soul like a scab that won’t heal. And I think I have a fucking right to. Because I am a famous person on television and Diego is dead.” says Chris Hayes.

“Are you the same Chris Hayes as Chris Hayes Shaw or Shaw-Hayes or Loffredo Shaw Hayes.” says Lem.

“Ahh yes, but also not I am. See…that’s a brilliant question. Lem…yes I am but I’m not at the same time.” says Chris.

“Do explain to us how that works!” says Lem.

Zebra by Beach House plays.

“At home when I’m fucking my wife, I am Chris Shaw-Hayes of the Shaw-Hayes clan. When I’m on the road cheating on my wife and she doesn’t give a damn or I force her to not give a damn or both I’m just Chris Hayes. And when I am at work, I am Chris Shaw Hayes but not of the Shaw-Hayes clan. I when I am with my friends I’m just Chris.” says Chris Shaw Hayes, Chris, Chris Hayes, and Chris Hayes-Shaw, and C.

“Who are C. and Chris Hayes-Shaw?” asks Lem.

“C. is what I am when I’m busy and Chris Shaw-Hayes is who I am when I am in a bad mood.” says Chris Shaw Hayes, Chris, Chris Hayes, and Chris Hayes-Shaw, and C.

“Look, I would like to know if you believe you are a God? Chris, do you believe you’re God?” asks Lem.

“Yes?” says Chris Shaw Hayes, Chris, Chris Hayes, and Chris Hayes-Shaw, and C.

“OK so the theology of the Illuminati who are not actual Satanists or Christians or Muslims or Buddhists or Hindus, Jainists- Basically, if you don’t have an alternate faith system that really genuinely matters to you, you tend to be New Age. And if you’re not New Age with a good heart towards Christ you tend to believe that you are God. Not even a god but God?” says Lem.

“Oh yeah, you do tend to it you start thinking that you’re God. And there are many times where I have obviously and still do tend to think that I am the great I am. Which people actually have a lot of respect for in the Illuminati…because in their sadness I think they love me. And they’re Satanic.” says Chris Shaw Hayes, Chris, Chris Hayes, and Chris Hayes-Shaw, and C.

“So then are you Satan or are you God??” asks Lem.

“I tend to prefer to call myself- Well-well that’s hard to discuss. Because I have a lot of names that people like to call me. They call me different things based on my mood…and the situation.” says Chris Shaw Hayes, Chris, Chris Hayes, and Chris Hayes-Shaw, and C.

“What if we wanna call you Zeus? Are you offended by that?” says Lem.

“No, that’s not my name. I find that incredibly morally offensive, jackass.” says Chris Shaw Hayes, Chris, Chris Hayes, and Chris Hayes-Shaw, and C.

“So…what if we call you the wrong name?” asks Lacey Banks.

“That’s a headache. I’m damn busy.” says Chris. “And the rest of the mes agree.” says Chris Shaw Hayes, Chris, Chris Hayes, and Chris Hayes-Shaw, and C.

“Do you have multiple personality disorder? Are you a god who reincarnated. Are a God who’s also the Antichrist?” asks Lem.

“No. I’m not the best. Or no. I’m not that gay. Mmm. No. It’s not like that?” says Chris Shaw Hayes, Chris, Chris Hayes, and Chris Hayes-Shaw, and C.

“That gay?” asks Anderson Cooper. “I’m not the Antichrist.”

“No. You and I are both bisexual. I’m mostly queer. And you’re almost entirely gay.” says Chris Shaw Hayes, Chris, Chris Hayes, and Chris Hayes-Shaw, and C.

“Then why did you bring up gays?” asks the GOP.

“Because I’m thinking like a Republican.” he says sincerely.

“But you’re God. So why do you need to think like us or you’re not a loving God?” asks the GOP.

“I see where this is going and I dare you to be able to just let me go. Just let me go. Just let me go. Just…let me be. Let the terrible waves of evil overcome me in your imagination if that’s what you think has to happen.” says Lacey Banks.

“What the fuck is wrong with us?! She’s right. We’re dumb as fuck!” says the GOP.

“Umm…not all of us. Some people understand witchcraft better than the American Illuminati does.” says Great Britain.