The Real June Cleaver Of 1922

Escapade by Janet Jackson plays.

Harold Loeb sees Brett Ashley. She has curves like a racing yacht? I guess.

“She looks like a snail.” says Lem.

“Nah. That crazy bitch is on an escapade.” says Lacey.

Brett Ashley shakes her skinny ass. And Elsie flashes her yellow rose vagina at us again. It’s so very awkward.

But…as hideous as they actually are…it’s almost as if no one is willing to notice.

“Hey! Cool kids of 1922…your wives are butt ugly.” says Lacey.

“But they have pretty boobs.” says a drunk.

“Oh because they’re small.” says Lacey.

“Yes! And shapely.” says the drunk.

“So they ignore their obvious flaws?” asks Lacey.

“Yeah. It’s a guy thing. A straight guy thing.” says the drunk. “Some women have great asses or tits and because those are such sexual parts of the woman’s body they focus on them.”

“That’s intriguing.” says Lacey.

“Lacey has great tits. And a perfect ass.” says the drunk.

“So I’ve been told.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. But they don’t give two shits about you because you’re not a petty person.” says the drunk.

“Yes!! Exactly…which is why Jack was so gross. He’s…vile. …I can’t stand them. They’re obnoxious.” says Lacey.

“I am Elsie Hill.

I was the secretary…and I look like a fucking piece of shit…but I have tiny tits and I wear makeup and pushy bourgeois bitch clothes…and I spread my legs for Louis…when he was suicidal…and so now I’m married to him forever.” says Elsie Hill.

“Yup. And he put out until you died. And sent you yellow roses.” says Lacey.

The song ends.

Whatta Man by Salt-N-Peppa plays.

“What did you like about Brett Ashley?” Matthew Nesheim asks Harold.

“I liked her boobs. …Lem likes them as much.” says Elliott about Lacey.

“Harold.” says Zelda. “Finally be honest.”

Harold looks nervous.

“She gives good head.” says Harold about Brett Ashley.

“Lacey tries to. But she’s too pretty.” says Lem. “And…no. It’s kinda…gross.”

When I Think Of You by Janet Jackson plays.

“I find it difficult to resist.” says Harold Loeb.

“Why!?” asks Lem, amused.

“It’s messy?” asks Harold.

“Like life is messy.” says Lacey.

Harold thinks. Blinks. “Dammit.”

Shoop by Salt-N-Peppa plays.

“Harold you don’t like men. Do you?” asks Lem.

“No.” says Harold.

“Then why?!?” asks Lem.

Harold looks embarrassed. He thinks and then laughs.

“Fine. Is it that weird?” he asks.

Lem laughs. “So you liked oral sex on an artistic level?”

“Yeah.” says Harold, laughing at himself.

“Why did you assume nobody else could of given you good head?” asks Lacey.

“Because…I thought we had something special.” says Harold.

“And she was a rare woman who knew that skill.” says Lacey.

No More Parties In The Attic by Exploded View plays.

“Sorry I swore at you.” Lacey says to France.

“Yes.” says Harold, crying.

“That makes sense.” says Lacey. “But you could have taught your wife.”

“Yeah. Not really.” says Harold.

“I get it. She was unique.” says Lacey.

Harold cries and nods.

“That’s sad.” says Lacey.

And at that Harold Loeb faints.

“Let him sleep.” says Lacey.

“We did have fun.” says Brett Ashley.

“Yeah. So are you two together?” asks Vincent Kartheiser.

“Yeah.” says Harold, revived.

“Huh. Are you supposed to be?” asks Vincent Kartheiser.

“No.” says Harold.

“She’s with Lem. But…he’s struggling to be with anyone but me.” says Brett Ashley.

“So…there’s another woman?” asks Vincent Kartheiser.

“Yes!!” screams Israel.

“What did we do to you Harold? I’m sorry.” says Vincent Kartheiser.

“You castrated me. I’m fine. …Brett Ashley…isn’t my soulmate. But…God is trying to straighten it out.” says Harold.

“So it’s Swedenborgian?” asks Lacey.

“Not quite. But I hear you.” says Harold.

“You always worried me, Hal.” says Lacey.

He fumes off.

Turns out by caring about him…Lacey reattached his penis.

She did the same thing for Lem.

“I never had my penis cut off.” says Elliott.

“I did.” says Joe. “Lots of American men have their dicks cut off.”

“Thanks for the back massage dear.” says Elsie.

“Why are you giving her a back rub?” asks Flint, Michigan.

Smoke & Mirrors by RJD2 plays.

“When I was molested as a teenager I essentially had my dick cut off at least almost cut off…and then Jack Kennedy just pulled on my half severed dick and tortured me…and I died of a heart attack in my 60s. That part of my life was absolute Hell but it’s nothing compared to the Hell Lacey’s living through or has lived through.” says Lem Billings.

Lacey as played by Kristin Scott Thomas finds Lem in WWI with his penis almost severed off. She reattaches it skillfully. He miraculously doesn’t die.

After staying up with him all night she’s exhausted… She walks out and sees the early morning light. It’s dim. She falls to the ground and looks around. Smells the air. Takes a deep breath. Lays back against the hard, cold cement…and stares up into the sky. Closes her eyes. Then she laughs.

A Beautiful Mine by RJD2 plays.

“My word, they went straight for the cock!” she says to herself, laughing. She sighs.

“That’s common in the US.” says Scott Fitzgerald. “I had to reattach mine…often.”

“Zelda. Did you help or not?” asks Lacey.

Zelda runs off.

“This song starts off well. But ends in Purgatory.” says Lacey. “Rough place Purgatory.”

Lem walks out with his dick attached. “I have a correction. You all took turns cutting off my dick. DAILY!!” he screams.

“Let’s just kill them all.” says Lacey, losing patience. “And becoming far too scared by evil.”

“More than you’re scared by Hell?” asks Satan.

“Yes. No. Possibly!” says Lacey.

She races off and orders for them all to be imprisoned.

Once they’re cleared out she sits and closes her eyes.

“Darling. Where are all of the Americans?” asks Lem.

“In the dungeon.” says Lacey. “They’re fine.”

“Let’s serve dinner.” says Lem.

“I wish we could.” says Lacey. “But it’s not Heaven.”

“I was about to kill them all.” says Lem.

“Well…you still can.” says Lacey.

“I might not now. There’s no way out. But it’s getting late. …Perhaps they should sleep.” says Lem.

“They will. In varying degrees of comfort.” says Lacey.

“We are the Mayflower Crowd.” says Lem.

“Oh. And I’m Dutch. And a Viking.” says Lacey.

“Vikings.” says Lem.

“Yes. We came her and left.” says Lacey.

Lem laughs. “And then you came back.”

“Once you were here.” says Lacey.

“I’m sorry.” says Lem. “I thought it was better.”

“It’s a beautiful country. But…you know…those Native Americans had it figured out.” says Lacey. “There’s something bloody here.”

“Huh. So they did there best.” says Lem.

“I think God saw them. …And I have to wonder if they sometimes did. What do you think?” asks Lacey.

“God knows. But yes, odd occasions.” says Lem.

“We’re so stupid. We don’t even bother with their language.” says Lacey.

“Would you?” asks Lem.

“Yes. Let them. It’s better than this. Isn’t it? Or did something actually matter?” asks Lacey.

Iran thinks.

“I see your point.” says Iran to Lacey.

“It’s an exhausting equation.” says Lacey to Iran.

Iran laughs. “Lem will be fine!”

“And you should worship Christ.” says Lem to Iran.

“Golly. Good talking with you.” says Lacey to Iran.

“We can’t worship Christ in good conscience in all cases.” says Iran.

“Yes. I know. And I was counting on you to recall that. But I had to say it.” says Lacey.

“Lem said it.” says Iran.

“And I’m glad I did!” says Lem.

“You’re just worried.” says Iran.

“Yes. Maybe we both are.” says Lacey.

“Well…one of us has to be right and one of us has to be wrong.” says Iran.

“Yes! Let’s hope they understand that!” says Lacey.

Iran weeps and nods.