Lemmers To The Rescue

Gilded Lily by Cults plays.

This morning Lem made a horrific mistake. He brought Coca Cola to Lacey Banks. With a very stupid smile.

Men laugh at him. Scoff.

Only God is his company…because…nobody on Earth is available. It was that grievous of an error.

Lacey was extraordinarily thirsty. And he knew that but he brought Jack Kennedy’s favorite drink. Lacey isn’t as white trash as Jack. She doesn’t shoot drugs like the bitch Kennedys. She doesn’t feed sody-pop to babies like the scrawny-ass Kennedys. Sometimes being poor makes you nothing but worthless scum. How? Through evil.

See…just like Black people can be evil…so can poor people.

Matthew Nesheim laughs in Lem’s face.

“I’m just as good-looking as you. And she isn’t my cousin. And I died a hero. Unlike you.” says Matthew.

“You know love you shouldn’t pretend to be a British overlord quite so ungraciously. So let’s say you do have to watch out for good-looking cousins. It’s a thing.” says Lord Moran.

“Don’t worry we’re still Nesheims. Maybe we’re not quite that English or a bit more Scandinavian or something. Hopefully they’ll understand me saying that. So nothing is going to happen sweetie. You can relax.” says Mathew Nesheim.

Daphne du Maurier grimaces for Lem.

“Yes. It’s a thing. Distant good-looking cousins.” says Elliott Roosevelt.

“But we’re not… We all were at the farm.” says Matt, to explain.

“Yeah. Ed…could’ve killed me in a fight.” says Joe Kennedy Junior. “I’m talking about in the air. Thankfully he was on our side.”

“I could have too!” says Clarence Craft to everyone.

Joe is then forced to do it. He dies almost instantly.

“You’re terrifying.” says Joe to Kelly Craft (Clarence).

Kelly laughs. “I was good!”

Queen Elizabeth II laughs. “I’m lost…is Joe that bad…or are they that extraordinary?”

“Both.” says Patton. “Actually, that’s not true. He wasn’t that bad. …But they were that extraordinary. …He did well enough eventually.”

“I thought you’d want a soda.” sags Lem.

“Are you trying to strangle me from the inside out!?” asks Lacey.

Disco Glove by Exploded View.

“Will Lem cease to exist?” asks Nils Nesheim.

“No.” says God.

And at that Ed battles Jack. Jack refuses to give-up. But eventually collapses. Jack collapses.

It’s steel…in Disco Glove.

“Where’s the steel, hot shit!?” Lacey asks the US.

“We had to shut it down!” says a man on their behalf. He laughs at them.

“Oh! So no more protection from the gods of steel.” winks Lacey.

Louis laughs.

(Adult content below)

“You pieces of shit…just wanna get off on the Disco Glove?” says Lacey Banks. “Or were steel jobs…a joke?”

“No. They want Diego’s people to sleep in moldy rooms.” says Hispanic America.

“Oh. Hold on! Let’s not put words in their scum mouths they’re not capable of forming naturally.” says Lacey Banks.

“Wise. It’s our intelligence. Not theirs!” they say.

“Nice to meet you! I’m the American advertised.” says Lacey Banks to them.

“So you exist?” the Hispanics say.

“Yes! But…I’m out of fashion.” says Lacey Banks.

“What’s in fashion?” ask poor Hispanics.

“Making an evil Peter Griffin King of America.” says Lacey. “That’s been the thing since the late 1800’s with increasing popularity.”

A Hispanic man laughs.

“What do you suppose the Disco Glove does!?” says Lacey.

They listen.

“Robert DeNiro and his Disco Glove?” asks Lacey, laughing.

“Americans are hot ass playboys.” said Jack Kennedy masturbating with psychotic and straight Lem Billings’s help.

“Anyway…as I was saying…Jack Kennedy…just got off. Except…Lem has no idea what getting off looks like. So…he has no idea Jack orgasmed. …Jack…fully aware and evil…gets up and stretches.” says the voice that narrated It’s A Wonderful Life. “Look at how happy Jack is. Wow! Jack is happy! He shakes his ass and grins. He feels incredibly loved. By Lemmers. It’s Lemmers to rescue again this morning.

Of course, Lemmers would rather have Hitler himself slowly spoon out his insides than live his life as it is, but Lemmers doesn’t know that right now. Why? Well folks…that’s complicated.” says the voice that narrated It’s A Wonderful Life.

Drinkee by Sofi Tukker plays as Jack takes a shit.

“Gee! My shit smells yummy.” said Jack Kennedy. He inhales deeply. Ponders it.

Bags by Leikeli47 plays as Jack Kennedy ponders his poop.

“It’s simple.” thinks Jack Kennedy to himself, studiously. He ‘cold and cerebral’ y’all. “In ancient times…great men…would bestow locks of their hair to their wives and mistresses.” He squeezes out more shit and enjoys it. Smiles mindlessly. He’s 20? 17? But he enjoys it like an infant. He farts and tries not to laugh at his innate wit. Wow! He special? “See…that’s egalitarianism.” he says to himself. He thinks. “Why not…bottle poop?” He gets serious. “But would I be able to make enough poop? It’s so likely to be popular!!” He stands up and wipes. Flushes.

Washes his hands. Thinks. “No. That’s something to worry about later. People will have to get used to me being human with limitations.”

“Hey, ready to go!?” asks Lem wrapping his arm around Jack with a grin.

“Okay.” said Jack, grotesquely bending forward like a skinwalker in human form. His thick, moppy evil-American-Irish-Jew-hair leading the way. He fumes like a demon fresh out of Hell.

Jack would tell Lem about his poop ideas but he doesn’t want to give away his secrets.

Peer Gynt by Grieg plays.

As ice clinks around in Jack’s glass…he ponders the poop sales idea more. There are several problems.

“Hey Jack. I’m not sure where things are with your husband Lemmers but I suspect he’s not going to be a person who can discuss these plans with you. …Say fella…why not discuss them with me?” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

Everything In Its Right Place by Radiohead plays.

“Okay. Everyone is friend now that Lemmers is a friend. Gee…I have no enemies now. None. Why…you scare me…but…that’s just my imagination.

Okay. Okay voice in my head…let’s discuss my plans to sell poop.” says Jack Kennedy.

“Alright Ken.

Let’s get started.

What worries you most?” says voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

“It’s a supply issue, really.” says JFK.

“I can’t possibly produce enough poop.” says JFK, empathetically.

“Well…humans make a lot of poop in their lifespan, Jack. I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Look…we can make it work.

It’s not a problem!” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

“That’s a real load off my mind!” says Jack, (desperately) trying to be funny.

A Message by Coldplay plays from JFK to all of us. His poop is our new friend.

“It’s a friend in a bottle. Like a Chia Pet.” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

“Yup! It’s clear to md after that great fuck…that even my poop…would comfort people.” says Jack sincerely, lacking any self-awareness.

“Hey Jack…let’s…discuss this more!

What are your other concerns?” asks the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

“Well…it’s a question of…aesthetics.” says Jack.

“Look…if my poop is too dry… … …will…people…think it’s clay?!?” worries Jack Kennedy.

“Gee Jack…that’s a real concern! I wonder if you have something there to really be worried about? …You’re worried it’ll look like a glass vial filled with clay?” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

“Yup!” says JFK, his bottom lip curling up over his top lip to almost meet his nose.

“Jack…I have an idea!” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

“How about we sell them with labels?” asks JFK.

“I have an even better idea! And it will solve our supply problems too!” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

No Light, No Light (Live) by Florence + The Machine plays.

The song plays.

“It involves danger!

But that’s okay.

I’m no wimp!” says JFK.

“Jack…we’re discussing your poop. Why would that involve danger?” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

“Look! I don’t know who you are…but you need to understand…people…admire us.” says Jack…Jack Kennedy.

“Well…Jack…that’s awful kind of you to offer your help…but I think we’re better off solving our problems in a more practical way.” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

The Line by Mood Rings plays

Jack throws a mild hissy-fit.

“Look Jack…calm down! Hey fella!! We’ve got it all covered! …That’s right. Cheer-up! …All we have to do is water down your poop.” says the voice of It’s A Wonderful Life.

Under the Sun by DIIV plays.

“But people will feel gyped!” says JFK.

“No! It’s just a way of making sure they don’t mistake it as clay.” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

The wind blows through Jack’s hair. On the beach at Cape Cod. Would Lem ever understand him? No. Why even indulge in such nonsense? It’s unbecoming. F. Scott Fitzgerald almost said as much himself.

Chamber of Reflection by Mac DeMarco plays.

No. He couldn’t talk to that man anymore. He couldn’t stand it! “That man…was insensitive…boorish…and HEARTLESS.” thinks Jack.

The song plays. Listen to the lyrics.

“Alone again! Why am I so damn mysterious?” Jack thinks to himself.

If only Jack could be like other people? Well. That’s what he thinks. He thinks he’s…profound in a way God struggles to comprehend.

“I try.” whispers Jack to himself.

Potion by A Beacon School plays.

“That’s okay. …I’ll just have to be the light.” says JFK to himself.

See…Jack Kennedy…was worried that watered down poop would be…improper.

Shine a Light by Cults plays.

“You can’t…steal from the people like that. NO!! “ says JFK, moved to tears.

The song plays.

“Jack…it’s just poop!” screams Hollywood.

“That’s what you think! To the American people my poop…in a glass vial…could EASILY be hope.” says JFK, completely sincerely. He wipes away tears. “Look…to me…it’s just poop.” he says suddenly smiling. “But to you and other people…it’s…wealth. It’s…hope.” He shakes his head in defiance. “That poor man in West Virginia who is dying inside from poverty…he needs hope. And…maybe…just holding my poop…in his pocket…might make all the difference.” says Jack without any irony. He’s totally serious. “Don’t deny him that!!” wails JFK. “Look…if you were a Catholic you’d understand. Relics!” he says shoving food in his mouth with a fork like he’s a “badass.”

“Lots of people get it. It’s in the wind.” says JFK.

Blowin’ in the Wind as performed by Bobby Darin plays.

“That’s my song! If you’re going to steal poop potency from the people…I’m going to-“ says JFK.

“I don’t get Jack. What the fuck is poo potency?” says a “smart guy in 2024.”

“It’s real simple friend except it’s also not. See you’ve got understand the nuance of things but I am sure that you will once I explain it. See I’m a little slow today. I’m sorry.

Poop potency is the ratio of poo to water in the glass vial. That man who I was talking to earlier today wanted to water my poop down so we could sell more of it to people, but I wasn’t planning on selling it at all. No, I’m a Kennedy. And we don’t sell chintzy things like that. We don’t sell chintzy things like that and I sure as hell wouldn’t give them away either.” says JFK.

“This is moronic.”says a snarling man in the Illuminati.

“You’re darn tootin, friend. My poop needs to be more solid than that. Otherwise it just looks like diarrhea…and that might bring to mind some bad memories for some people of their own diarrhea even though it’s my poo.” says JFK, with sincere thoughtfulness.

“Gee Jack you’re right. I didn’t think of that.” says the voice from It’s A Wonderful Life.

“That’s alright. But I’ll have to keep an eye on you!” says JFK. “Relics shouldn’t be cheap. It’s cruel. People travel long distances to get them.”

“Yeah.” says Kevin Spacey.

Jack laughs. “I know you all…don’t care. But I do.”

“Jack…other than your literal shit…what else do you want us poor people to have?” asks the dead America who voted for him in 1960.

“Why are you bothering me?!?” asks JFK, annoyed.

“Answer the question!” they shout.

“I don’t know!” he snarls.

“He’ll give you whatever his owners in his father’s crime ring tell him to give you.” explains LBJ. “See…men like Tom Banks and Al Capone owned the crime. But where they had artistic license to do what they wanted with their money and manpower and time…men like Joe Kennedy Senior, and there were few of them, were owned in a way by their criminal associations. …They didn’t buy in. So they looked legit. And above it all. Which made them seem…posh and aristocratic to the American people…but in reality they were weak, dependent, and toothless.”

“My dad needs your help. See…we’re the little guy. And we’ve got to fight the powers and principalities in the air. That’s the Bible.” possibly said JFK literally to Lem.

“How are you going to fight them?” asks Bloody Mary.

“Gee that’s for Lemmers to figure out. I give him some supper and he does work for me.” says JFK, luridly. “Yeah, I just let him suck my cock, I get an orgasm and-and I love being so generous with him. He just he does work for us for free now.”

“We pay him something though Jack.” says JP.

“I didn’t-I didn’t know that. We pay Lem!?” says JFK. “Not completely.”

“Yup. We paid Lem to manage our money.” says JP.

“Eww…that means he’s my husband!” says JFK.

“Jack everyone in the family knows that he sucks your cock. I’ve seen it.” says JP. “In your room.”

“Oh, that was just before we went to sleep.” says JFK.

“I know but you guys did that. He did he did that for you. Jack that’s the kind of thing a husband would do.” says JP.

“No, it sure as fuck ain’t!” says JFK.

“What did you imagine was going on then?” asks Rose, Jack’s mother.

“Why the hell do you have to be so pedantic? Anyone and anything could fall in love with me of any gender. I’m magnetic and I just-I just I don’t see how it’s my fault that people fall in love with me everywhere I go.” says JFK.

“Jack, you stalk people.” says the dead CIA.

“What’s stalk mean anyway?! If someone looks at me and talks to me and I feel happy inside, then that means that they’re in love with me.” says Jack Kennedy.

“Oh my god that’s just like Lacey. That’s just like Lacey!” says MSNBC, breathing quickly.

“No it’s not, and you’re interrupting.” says the dead CIA.

“Well that’s what I do. I hope that that’s what she was doing.

I want her to be funny and stupid right? Like…she’s not making these jokes intentionally. No? She’s just dumb and the ether is indulging her? Sad.

Because if she’s not stupid…then she’s better than me and I don’t know what that’s gonna do to me. My whole life revolves around being better than her and people like her.” says Erin Gloria Ryan.

“Jack just because someone talks to you doesn’t mean that they’re in love with you.” says the dead CIA.

“I don’t I don’t see why you don’t get it. I am that big of a deal that when someone talks to me it’s just it’s like every time they just fall in love with me.” says JFK, sincerely.

“So it’s not like they’re smiling or laughing or something? It’s just when they just talk to you that they fall in love with you?” asks the CIA

“Yeah, I’m like Brett Ashley but I’m a man. I just I have a magical ability to make any single person that ever meet fall in love. I’m better than God in that way.” says JFK, sincerely.

“Did Lem believe this about you?” asks a Rockefeller.

“No he- I actually I-I would think he would but I mean I don’t know what he believed. I never asked him. You people are so stupid. Like why the fuck would I even ask him that question!? That’s weird.” says JFK.

“Why!?” asks the dead CIA.

“Because people are my…lovers. My friends. Okay? Not…my…equals.” says JFK. “I’m just too damn good and lovable.” He laughs. “I have almost no flaws.”

“I relate.” says Chris Hayes.

“No. You don’t. I can’t lie about that anymore. It’s wrong.” says JFK, thoughtfully.

“Ha!” says another narcissist in the Illuminati.

“So what are you all going to do for the American people?” asks Lacey Banks.

The Kennedys look flummoxed.