Heart To Heart

“Lacey do you understand why we care if you’re Jack reincarnated?” asks Illuminati.

“No!” says Lacey. “Not really.”

“Oh okay. So…we care about Jack.” says the Illuminati.

“He’s probably in Hell.” says Lacey. “He’s not me.”

“Umm…so he’s in Hell because he caused the earthquakes and was torturing you too much.” says Japan.

“Yeah. Probably.” says Lacey.

“We just…liked Jack.” say gay men. “And Lem.”

“Go fuck yourselves then?” says Lacey Banks, lovingly.

“No. We really liked that.” say gay men.

“Why the hell do we have to care?” asks Lem, himself.

“You’re way off base trying to boss Lem around.” says Lacey. “Who the hell do you all think you are?”

“Cut the crap. This is ruining gay rights worldwide.” says a woman.

“Yup!” says Lacey Banks. “Not this conversation necessarily. But their attitudes.”

“Please be Jack reincarnated!!” they beg.

“Go to Hell if you have to!” says Lem to them.

“Why do we constantly have to protect gay men?” asks a female Hollywood star.

“You owe us!!” scream gay men.

“No we don’t.” says the actress.

“Yes! You still do!” they say.

“If we can’t use Satan to make her Jack…then…we’re toast!” say the gays.

“Why?” asks a gay man in China who amazingly doesn’t know about Jack Kennedy.

“Who the hell are you!?” ask the gay men.

“I’m gay?” he says, confused.

“Yeah right!” say the gay men.

He laughs. “No. I am.”

“Not allowed!” say the gay men.

“Why!?” he asks.

“Because you seem gay like Jack.” say the gay men. “Not Lem.”

“Who!?” he asks.

“Jack Kennedy!” say the gay men.

He shrugs. Smiles.

“Jack Kennedy!” they say.

He shakes his head in confusion. Looks annoyed. Laughs.

“John F. Kennedy. He was a US President.” say the gay men.

“Yeah! Right! John Kennedy of Massachusetts.” he says.

“You’ve never heard of him?” ask the gay men.

“No. He was President!” he says.

“Yeah! Duh! Loser! …He was also loved. Lem Billings loved the shit out of him!” say gay men.

“I’m not a loser. Sorry.

You have me confused with someone else.

I’m not a loser.

…You seem gay!

I’m not sure why you’re talking to me. It’s weird. It’s like you’re in my head.

So what if Jack was gay? No! You seem gay!” he says.

Romulus by Sufjan Stevens plays.

The Asian walks off in a huff. Rightfully.

“Dammit.” say the gay men.

“He was a fake!” says a Millennial gay, desperately.

“He has no idea what you’re talking about.” says the IRS.

“Noo!” they whine, like absolute weirdos.

“Did fake straight men in the US do this to us?” ask gay men.

“Whether it’s allowed in Heaven or not, he seemed far more mature and sane than almost any of you ever do.” says Lacey.

“No I think it was fake straight men who are actually bisexual who called themselves metrosexual. I’m not even sure that’s a thing. I think they were just bisexual. Who did he remind you of? Jack or Michael? Who more though? Michael or Jack?” they ask.

“To be honest Michael, but he seemed very Asian and that’s obviously not Michael.” says Lacey.

“Is it psychotic that we don’t like you?” they ask Lacey.

“If it’s allowed in Heaven, yes. If it’s not allowed in Heaven possibly still yes.” says Lacey.

“Did you just want to be me and be straight?” asks Matthew Nesheim.

Long silence.