“There Is No God” by the Evil Illuminati

You Right by Doja Cat & The Weekend plays as the losers in the Evil Illuminati shake their asses. They’re forced to do so everyday to make “sex magic.” It’s not real sex. It’s just ritualistic ass shaking. Sometimes they listen to “sexy music” to make it easier.

Dance The Night by Dua Lipa plays as Chris Hayes and Bobby shake their asses for the prescribed hour. They refuse to be embarrassed…or they’re cognitively incapable of it.

(Somehow spacing is off on the big now. It’s obnoxious. And Lacey suspects bullies did it somehow, possibly through her technical unawareness.)

“If you losers go too far…you’re going to cause another ‘accident.’” warns Bill Gates.

(Adult content below)

“Whatever! A pandemic? World War III? Train derailments? Weird celebrity deaths? Earthquakes? All common. We ain’t going to assume! We badasses!” say the pathetic losers.

“I’ll torment your souls for eternity.” says Lacey. “If there’s no God and Lem is lying…as you insist…I’ll make you all wish you’d never been born. I’ll ruin all of your existences.”

“Yeah right!” says a dude in the Illuminati.

“No. I will. I’ll torture you.” says Lacey.

“Ivanna did fall down the stairs and die.” says Donald Trump.

“Yes! Exactly. …I’ll have you all begging for mercy and then I won’t quit. For a thousand years.” says Lacey Banks. “I’ll ignore your pleas for for mercy. And make you all pray for mercy for no reason. You’ll worship me…and then I’ll make you beg to cease to exist. You’ll curse your births. You’ll never go insane but I’ll make you want to rip out your own entails out of violent hated for yourselves.”

“So…that’s if there’s no God.” says Jonah Wiley.

“Yeah. Dumbass.” says Lacey.

“Nah. We’ll win.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“No. I’ll make you want to shit in your nose. And vomit.” says Lacey Banks. “You smarmy leprechaun.” She thinks. “You know you do look like a leprechaun. And evil one. With skittles shooting out of his ugly ass.”

“I do not.” says Bobby.

“Yes. You do. You’re a short bitchy leprechaun.” says Lacey. “I’ll get you Monsanto! With my skittles!”

Bobby Kennedy Junior shoots Skittles out of his asshole like bullets as he twirls in the air.

“What the fuck did you really accomplish?” asks Lacey. “Did you actually help anyone or make any actual difference?”

“Probably not that much.” says Monsanto.

“Maybe a marginal difference. Worthless life.” says Lacey. “Other than for your kids you’d be better off dead. If Lem is lying you two could hook up, like leprechauns. You could shoot Skittles out of your mouth when you cum.”

All Alone by Gorillaz plays as Bobby smiles, giddy. He’s overwhelmed in ecstatic joy about his dick. He’s a slow man from his famous criminal family. He’s a worm.

“You really are that objectively gross. She’s not in love with you.” says his uncle Joe Junior.

“Ethel is so damn ugly. Why did you make kids with her?” asks Lacey of Bobby. “Were you too short and stupid to get anyone else?”

“Slightly.” says Bobby.

“I’m sorry you didn’t drown at 23. You stupid fuck.” says Lacey.

“Okay?” says Bobby.

“Yeah. You’re so worthless you should have died. Making us see the ugly as sin children you created with Ethel was cruel. Your kids are all losers.” says Lacey. “Why didn’t you just shoot yourself you criminal crap.”

Lem laughs.

“Chris. Nobody watches your show. You’re a loser too. People shit in the bathroom to your voice in the living-room everyday. That’s the amount of respect you have. You’re just background noise. You too Rachel Maddow. Dr. Spock with an ugly vagina and a fat Miss Piggy wife.” says Lacey. “She’s an artist? Yeah right. She’s a vagina. And you’re a pretentious moron who gets off through its vagina.”

Lem smiles.

“MSNBC is a stupid-as-fuck con job. America is in decay. And most people are too dumb too see it.” says Lacey.

“We’re just getting started. Excuse us!” says Lem.

A snake looks at Lacey and smiles. Not Satan. A huge snake.

“If Lem is lying and there’s no God most people should have killed themselves after meeting me.” says Lacey. “They’ll never be my equal. And if that’s bothering them that much they should have just killed themselves.”

“Yup!” says Lem cheerfully.

“What if there’s no God and Lem isn’t lying?” asks a gay man.

“Then apparently most gay men should also just go kill themselves. Quickly.” says Lacey. “Not to fuck Lem but to stop feeling so desperate and profoundly depressed.”

“Yeah. You’re meaningless. You don’t exist. You aren’t gay. You’re nothing.” says Lem.

“Bobby you should just shoot all of the gay men in your audience and then shoot yourself.” says Margaret Thatcher. “If there’s no God and Lem isn’t gay then Lacey is right. They can’t exist. They’re dependent losers. Like gross parasites.”

“You’re butt ugly.” says Lacey to Charles Gross. “And you sound either like you’re mocking yourself accidentally or intentionally.” She thinks. “Like when you talk. It sounds so stupid.”

They all think.

“You look and sound retarded.” Lacey says to Don Jr..

They all think.

“Ivanka looks like human celery.” says Lacey.

They all think.

“Erin Gloria Ryan looks like she has had her face kicked in since childhood. And did someone shave off part of her head? It’s like Peter Lorre with a wig trying his damndest to look pretty.” says Lacey. “You’re another smarmy pile of shit to look at.”

Lem bobs his head.

“Chris. What happened to your chin. Did you forget it when you were born? You do seem socially awkward. And conceited.” says Lacey.

I Appear Missing by Queens Of Stoneage plays.

“Kate. You’re not a woman. In how you look. And you’re a hyper, sniveling, kiss-ass in how you act. Your only beauty is in your side-boobs. And your thin frame. Otherwise you’re kind of purely an ugly sack of shit to look at.” says Lacey.

The song plays.

“Louis was a fool to marry Elsie. But hopefully she wasn’t worthless enough to molest his kids.” says Lacey. “If she was he should have his head cut off with a dull knife before he’s allowed to see her again.”

The song plays.

“Jack was a mistake. He should have never been born. Unless there isn’t reincarnation. Then maybe he was just a piece of crap breeder.” says Lacey.

The song plays.

“I’m not Jack. Thankfully. I’d rather be dead than be him reincarnated. If I was him I’d shoot myself as a toddler. I can’t stand him.” says Lacey Banks. “It’s not personal…if there is no God. He’s just subhuman poop.”

“Hey are you guys sure you want to hear more of this?

If she is illegitimate her generation were the Nazis and I don’t think most of you a little fucking idiotic whippersnappers understand that. When she6saying these things that are probably some of the most vile things you’ve ever heard about yourself that are true…it’s coming out of the same place that the Nazis came out of.

She’s not a Nazi. She’s not that evil. But I wouldn’t be surprised if they were a lot scarier than most of you weak pansies can even comprehend at this point.

So whoever decided to antagonize her this morning, you went too far. You went way too far. And I think she’s just having fun with you but if if you had a brain you’d probably realize that that this was a dumb idea.

So as a German, whose parents fought in World War II, could someone please stop the situation? This isn’t funny! You’re not funny. You’re all losers. And frankly, I wonder if some of you should just commit suicide if you’re that evil.” says Dr. Moritz.

“I’ll do my best!” says a high, pedophilic dumbass.

“To kill yourself today or to shit in your own face some more?” asks Lacey Banks.

“I’m not gonna kill myself.” says Bobby .

“You don’t know. You’re you’re too stupid!” says Lacey Banks.

“He is not too stupid!” says Cheryl holding pom poms.

“No he’s too stupid. Bobby how would you even kill yourself? You’re too wimpy to hang yourself, you’re too wimpy to shoot yourself, you’re too wimpy to jump off a cliff and you’re too scared to overdose. How would you kill yourself, you loser?” says Lacey Banks. “No I think you’re scared of the other side probably because there actually is a God. But actually I think you really are scared of the other side. So why don’t you just put yourself out of your misery and just kill yourself today? Bobby…there are lots of ways you could do it! I know why you don’t do it. It’s because you’re too much of a chicken. You’re really just a chicken aren’t you? Bobby…you’re just a cowardly piece of shit?”

“Maybe.” says Bobby.

“What are you gonna do when you die? Just hate yourself for eternity? Gee you never thought of that did you?“ says Lacey. “I’m not your uncle. I’m not your father. But you bother me. Lots of people bother me. Oh what are you gonna do. You’re just gonna hang out hating yourself? Because I guarantee you if there’s a God you’re extraordinarily likely to hate yourself.”

“More than you know!!” says Bob Saget.

“What if there is no God like I really hope?” says an evil Boomer.

“Then I’ll be ripping his head off and making him hate himself because no one else seems to have enough cognitive awareness to be able to think to do such a thing. I’ll just turn into God myself. Why not if there’s no God? I’ll just be the biggest God to ever exist. I’ll figure it out and I’ll make you all suffer.” says Lacey Banks.

“We have like three!?” says a Boomer.

“Oh my God you have three God that are a big deal!? Wow I’ll smite them all and then destroy you by smashing in your skull.” says Lacey mocking her.

“Wow I don’t think you guys got it.

There will literally be no way to stop Lacey if there’s no God and there’s an afterlife. I have a feeling will have to be terrified of her for the rest of eternity. I think almost everyone to ever exist will probably regret the last 40 years more than anything that they’ve ever seen or experienced possibly ever. I have a feeling her rage is so profound that I will regret not saying this in a more thoughtful way.” says a New Age woman, sincerely.

“OK so we’ve made her that angry?” asks Jack’s residual energy, cheerily.

“Yeah, I’m going to blow up and destroy almost the entire world. When I die I’m going to find ways to channel asteroids to destroy all of humanity. If there’s an afterlife human beings are toast if I can manage it. We’re the scum of the Earth and you’re a prime example of why we’re nothing more than bad bacteria.” says Lacey to JFK. “My kids are lovable. But you’re not. And I can redeem them. Because they’re worth it. You’re not. Your very existence is one of the worst tragedies of all time. I’ll turn you into a fart. Which is all you really ever were or are.”

Caroline cries in the afterlife.

“Cry! No one can hear you, you little worthless piece of shit!” says JD Rockefeller kicking in her childlike head. “I love you, but I’m doing this to you because your father is a piece of shit and you’re his daughter. I’m going to kick in your skull until you bleed to death and then I’m going to let you go through a concentration camp where no one will love you…and then I’m going to sacrifice you to Satan 40 billion times if I have to until your tongue comes out of your head and you pray to Christ that you had never been born.”

“Anyway!” says a dumbass in Republican jeans.

“Oh my God, do you poop in your pants? It looks like it. Are those are your poopy pants?” asks Lacey Banks.

“Actually…if Caroline Kennedy really is that evil and she caused earthquakes in Japan by insisting that her father was a good man and that Lacey is her father reincarnated…I would love to see JD Rockefeller kick in her skull, send her to a concentration camp and sacrifice her to Satan until she finally gives into Christ. To be honest, regardless, she deserves worse than that. She really does. She’s an ugly shrewish bitch and that’s putting it totally objectively.” says a Catholic in Tennessee.

“Wow that look is ugly and dumb as fuck!” says Lacey.

“It is!” says Sean Connery.

“Eww!!” says Lacey.

“What’s so ugly about it?” asks Lem.

“Those are diapers? And baby shoes? With his father’s shirt and jacket? And then that hat? Is he a witch?” asks Lacey. “But that’s not how they think they look. They think they cute.”

“Hey what if Lacey is Scotia and her father was an Egyptian king and she’s really that pissed off and we’re really going to regret this that much? Just a crazy idea.” says Garth Brooks.

“Oh you’re going to regret it either way, even if I’m not Scotia reincarnated. You’re all going to regret it or I highly doubt that there’s any reality at all.” says Lem.

“I’m hurt by what you’ve said.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Oh cause were righteously angry, but not in the right way according to Jonah Wiley.” says Lem.

“I would call him out on so many more of his posts for being so much of a false light in his teachings but he’s too narcissistic to handle it.” says Lacey. “He’s not always in Christ. He’s…evil at times. But…he seems incapable of handling criticism.”

“Why does he keep popping up on her Instagram? She’s not following him!?” asks a British woman.

“Probably because he’s stalking her because he’s a narcissist?” says an actress. “See…he had a crush on her. And then he was too narcissistic to handle it. And now he’s just stalking her.”

“Bobby, I’m worried that my daughter is suffering far more than I’m worried about your stupid-as-fuck shallow feelings! Bobby…you’ve had people catering to you your entire life. I was one of them at times. People who have tried to reach out to you and help you. You don’t deserve any more pity or empathy or sympathy. I hope you don’t go to Hell. Do you think you can handle that or are you too stupid and brain dead to even understand the concept?” asks Lem Billings.

“ I don’t think I get the concept anymore. Sorry.” says Bobby sincerely.

“Bobby, you sound mentally retarded why?“ asks Jennifer Aniston.

“I don’t understand!” says Bobby Slowly.

“Bobby are you doing this intentionally or is this really how dumb your brain actually is?” asks a liberal in the Illuminati.

“Huh?!?” says Bobby.

“Bobby have the demons eaten away at your IQ, sincerely?” asks a living Rockefeller.

“Huh?” asks Bobby.

They all pause in concern.

“Ahhh….” says Bobby.

They all continue to pause in concern.

“But you all know that there is no God and that Lem was gay, right!? Right!?” says Lacey, mockingly.

Adele laughs.

“What if Lem really wasn’t gay?

I don’t think-I don’t actually think I know.

I wonder if he was straight…and he really just mimicked gay people to be honest? I don’t think you guys know how to read people’s energy the way Lacey does. And I have a very strong suspicion that there is a God. I don’t understand but I don’t think it’s likely that there isn’t one at all. I am sorry, but I don’t think we are all gods. I think we’re just humans…and it’s weird how attached some people are those delusions but that’s just-that’s just a little bit of common sense.” says an English rockstar.

Queen Elizabeth II yawns and nods.

“So if there is a God and Lem was straight then Lacey you’re not just gonna go around ripping people’s heads off and JD Rockefeller isn’t going to kick in Caroline Kennedy’s skull in the after life?” asks a reader.

“I think it’s very unlikely that there isn’t a God. Because even if people weren’t as angry as she is on a grand level-

I have a feeling, Lacey is angry at like millions of people because Chris decided to talk to her like she was Elsie.

Umm…and we’ve all insisted that Lem was gay and that she’s Jack incarnated if he wasn’t. Which is absolutely disgusting.

But if you guys hadn’t made such errors. Well…other than torturing-torturing children and not fixing in a Global Warming. Umm…and letting the US rot.

Yeah…that’s a lot of shit.

I kind of think maybe she wouldn’t be as angry.

But…I think even on like a smaller scale there are some people who would like to rip individual people’s heads off and I doubt we see this in action because I highly doubt there’s not a God. I have a feeling it’s far more likely that there’s a just God and that His way of dealing with retribution and revenge is probably vastly superior to anything Jana Wiley or anyone else can come up with. Honestly, I wouldn’t be so sure that Lacey is safe though just because she doesn’t want to attack Jonah because she’s worried that he’ll stalk her and start trying to sue her or something. No, it doesn’t mean that she’s actually legally vulnerable at all. And also, I’m not sure that he’d have enough money to be able to do that anyway or get a case.

No, he’s kind of a narcissistic prick and it’s getting annoying how short he is because what is it with short men attacking Lacey in weird ways and getting pissed off for seemingly unknowable reasons? No, there’s a lot of them at this point.” asks the CIA.

“Yeah. Chris Dodds, Bobby, Dr. Moritz, Jonah? And I feel like Chris Hayes looks like he’d be short.” says Tsar Putin. He laughs. “Chris stole my height.”

“ to everyone should just relax there is a God and I honestly think that you guys got way off more than you realize not talking about Elsie yesterday and I’m gonna have to be praying for Lacey because there really is a God and I’m actually was straight and it’s very hard for her spirit to hear that appropriately. She’s asked God sincerely many times what’s going on lots of desperate exasperated questions and it’s just getting irritating because the people who don’t understand that a man could mimic homosexuality really are literally almost the same people who believed that my company was profitable and and there’s a reason Lacey is so angry today she’s worried about her kids. She’s worried about their minds. She’s worried about the future, she’s absolutely terrified and she knows that’s not the way things should be right now they slept together last night Lacey and them slept together. They do every night they had sex as much as she can be ditzy when if the illuminati is real and there’s a lot of evidence I suggest that there is an illuminati, when do you guys ever deal with that part of reality he clearly was either bisexual or straight or his orientation is completely changed, so which is it did his orientation change? She’s not Jack reincarnated, but even if she is she still is a woman right now the only people who insist otherwise, or people who are jealous of her she’s never genuinely thought she was a man in her entire life. I think her strength sometimes scares her because most women are too petty and weak stereo typically to be as brave as she is but just because most women come across like Jonah Wiley‘s poop, does it mean that women really are that we can worthless I know I’m not talking about her being a damsel in distress and needing a man I’m talking about women being genuinely worthless thoughts have no fucking clue what’s going on I don’t think that’s actually all that feminine I think that’s a cheap shit way to perceive women and make them more fuckable if they’re narcissistic and have a nice ass it’s like oh this woman is ugly as a piece of shit on the inside but she has a nice she’s nice we know physical attributes on the outside, so I’ll just lie to myself, and pretend like her being a moronic, buffoon, is somehow, lovable because she’s a woman and that’s been going on for a while. I don’t know that it was as popular as it became in the 20th century that I know it really did it took off in the 50s I can’t stand certain people look if Luis’s wife really was kind of a dumb bitch. I can’t stand her if she’s not then I can’t stand the people that have made her out to be that way but that’s a different topic, the point is, we’re in control I guess huh? It seems like Lacey’s in control any people can’t fathom that Bobby Lacey really genuinely wishes you were dead and loved us to and part of it is out of concern for you and part of it is because you are that and that you’re that angry to them not a very deep level of I wouldn’t keep asking them to be gay and love you at all and I wouldn’t keep insisting that Lacey doesn’t love you in a way that you might be in capable of loving, almost anyone I would start worrying about the fact that you’re so screwed up and I would start repenting because you will die someday and the part of them that does care about you is real and it’s it’s not sexual Bobby or romantic at all from either one of them. I don’t care what Bill Bradley and Bob hope told you they don’t know.

In the meantime, we’re going to use either have to have a purge or rapture or pandemic, or a lot of natural disasters, because God needs to be respected, and if Satan doesn’t understand that it might be the end of the world.” says Ken Lay.

“ I think you were trying to have us pick between his orientation changing him being bisexual or pansexual and him being straight. I choose strict because I don’t think it’s possible that nothing sexual happened between him and Jack and I don’t think it’s likely that it would make sense for him to be so happy at their wedding him if he wasn’t straight, I don’t think Lacey’s Jack reincarnated I think if there’s reincarnation, she’s a very angry Scottish woman who has a sense of humor about herself.” says Sam Smith.

More later.

“Why was I crying in the afterlife?” asks Caroline.

“Apologize” by OneRepublic plays.

“Because you’ve ruined a lot.” says Maeve. “And you will regret it.”

More later.