“I should be the one writing this. But I was too chicken.” says Joe Kennedy Junior. “Look…the Kennedy aesthetic is bullshit. …We are the Kennedys. But…we’re not…as cool and heterosexual as Jack made us seem. …My nephew used his commercial from 1960? Fine. But that commercial was based on a phony ideal image Jack and my family created. That’s Jack’s public persona. That’s Eunice’s public persona. …That’s not who we really were or are.
That commercial alone…if Lem was Lacey and I did the same thing to her that Jack did to Lem…would have completely ended our marriage. Which is further proof Lem was straight. Because it didn’t bother him at all. He was completely on board.
…It makes Jack seem so fucking heterosexual.”
“Why does Bobby keep pushing Lacey’s daughter? He’s bullying her! Like he’s another kid her age. And she’s a huge threat to him somehow.” says the Illuminati.
“Their birthdays are very close.” says Ethel in the afterlife. “And he’s impressed by her.”
“So she’s his rival!?” asks the Illuminati,
“She’s FIVE!” says the Illuminati.
“Yeah. But he’s…not in control completely. He’s too into the demonic. And New Age. So…on a gut level he feels like she’s a threat…and he’s incredibly upset. That’s not sane…and it’s extremely disturbing…because she’s just a sweet little girl…but he recognizes her in his spirit like a first cousin his age. And she’s…already winning. Somehow the adults like her more. …And she’s cooler than him.
It’s extremely disturbing. But…but…this is why it’s so dysfunctional that we talked to her to begin with.” says the CIA.
“Why is trying to knock her down?” asks Margaret Thatcher.
“She’s a natural born leader. …In the same way he is. And it’s insanity producing for him because he’s so immature and narcissistic.” says the CIA.
“You’re insane!” says Dr. Moritz to Bobby. “If I read this blog…keep in mind…I’m German.”
“Yah! Nazis!” says Jan Hertel. “Actual Nazis!”
“No. We don’t need to go there. …But…I almost think Lacey should just go live in Canada or Great Britain. You people are…absurd.” says Dr. Moritz.
“She’s your daughter!” shouts Bobby Kennedy Junior at Tsar Putin.
“No. She’s mine!” says Tucker Carlson.
“No. She’s mine.” says Mark Schiebel.
“She’s not my daughter.” says Bobby Kennedy Senior.
“Why not?” asks Satan.
“I’m not a loser!” says Bobby Kennedy Senior.
“I’m starting to think that when it comes to daughters, Lacey’s daughter is sort of popular, but there are lots of men who would love to have her as their daughter. Does that make you jealous Bobby? Is that part of it?” asks the CIA.
“Yeah! I’m sucky shit compared to her. She’s so cool. …And it’s not pretentious. She’s actually cool. …I’m a prissy bitch loser compared to her.” says Bobby.
“Prissy like Lem?” asks the CIA.
“No! Prissy like…a nerdy- Like my dad.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.
Joe Kennedy Junior rolls his eyes and rubs his head. “Yeah. She could have been my daughter. She used to look enough like me- Okay. This is personal. …Bobby…you’re competing with an older cousin who’s five…when you’re elderly. But she’s better than you, in your subconscious. Because that’s how our family was arranged. I was the boss.”
Let Me Blow Your Mind by Shawn Lee’s Ping Pong Orchestra plays.
“But…you’re also mad about Lem. It’s very upsetting.” says Dr. Billings.
And at that Lacey’s son pulls a ponytail holder out of his sister’s hair. “That looks weird!” he says.
She screams. “NO! You’re not allowed to do that.” she says.
He instantly regrets it.
“Dammit. I made an alliance with her brother.” says Bobby. “Someone had her bullied on my behalf.”
“You’ll regret it. He’s Tom’s grandson. You’re getting played. Long-term.” says Great Grandpa Kennedy.
“Bobby. Are you embarrassed by this!!?” asks the CIA.
He thinks. “No. I’m not.” he says.
“Yes. You are.” says the CIA.
“Yeah. Okay. It’s humiliating.” says Bobby.
“Why!? She’s 6! Or 12 or something. …Why!? …You can’t reason through that!?” asks Dr. Moritz.
“I’m starting to get involved. She’s either my dead wife reincarnated…or we all feel keen on the matter of her. Because she looks so much like us…and…she’s a dear child. And Lacey and my daughter were good friends.” says Bertie.
“They look startlingly alike.” says Bertie.
“Lacey when did you lose your children? If you’re reincarnated?” asks Helena Bonham Carter.
“The 1890’s at the latest.” says Lacey.
“Bobby. Be careful. …I’m dead serious.” says Bertie.
Joe Kennedy Junior cries.
“We’re as confused as you are.” Earl Spencer says to Lacey.
“Maybe they just look alike.” says Lacey Banks.
“We’ll know more someday!” says a Spencer to Lacey.
“I have to try to believe that nowadays. …It’s alarming. Thank you.” says Lacey.
“Bobby. The Queen Mother…is just cooler. Like…those sort of people are just cooler. Everyone loved the Queen Mother. She’s just…cool. Get over it!” says a black woman in the Illuminati to Bobby, to explain.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
You must be logged in to post a comment.