The Cordelia McPherson Show

(Adult content below)

And Chris Hayes is Cordelia McPherson. If he had a proper British name that was perhaps a bit on the nose he would be Cordelia McPherson.

It makes sense that the very proper, very appropriate Cordelia would get a bit naughty with Diego Blue on occasion in her basement. Whether that’s good or very bad that a man could be Cordelia McPherson in 2020 is debatable and of course there’s an absolute correct answer, and God knows the answer, even if we don’t quite know. But regardless, it seems like an observational reality to observe that in a sense he has become the Cordelia Macpherson of today.

Is it Macpherson or McPherson I don’t know. If I’m reincarnated, maybe I should know but for some reason, I thought it could be both. Although he seems more like McPhearson than Macpherson. Who is Cordelia? She is a woman of her time. She is a bit like Margaret Thatcher but not quite that solid or well bred. Cordelia has a secret “naughty side” that she is somewhat ashamed of. She struggles almost never. Cordelia is any number of bossy British women from the 1970s. And possibly in a sense she’s Hyacinth Bouquet but she seems more like a character that could be played by. I can’t think of the actresses name just a second.

Penelope Keith. Chris, you seem like the male 2020 version of a Penelope Keith character. Are you still that person maybe not as much but maybe somewhat. And the thing is Cordelia McPherson is not someone to get into an argument with about almost anything. When Chris decided Lacey was evil, there was no going back. Because Cordelia McPherson has not opinions she has “Cordelia’s.” She thinks, incredibly highly of herself to a psychotic, hilarious degree. It’s not grounded in reality and there’s always something a little off about it. But it’s not that she’s absolutely nothing either. She’s not Hyacinth Bouquet. Hyacinth Bouquet is possibly a bit more honorable than Penelope Keith, or her characters rather. Yes, a Hyacinth Bouquet is sad to some degree and desperately trying to make a name for herself.

Lacey is neither of those two women that’s a narcissistic projection by a lot of bitches. One of Lacey’s ex boyfriends thought she was Hyacinth or Penelope. He was probably bisexual. He was short as fuck. His teeth were disgustingly big and really more than anything Lacey would like to kick him in his crotch and smash his chest in and that’s not Penelope that’s not Hyacinth that’s a very angry Scottish aristocrat that had every fucking right to think he was a scum bucket from Hell. It could be a bit of a Jewish conspiracy. It could be a bit of a narcissistic conspiracy that no one‘s ever taken Lacey‘s rage as what it is it’s actual reality it’s not her being delusional she’s really that angry for perfectly legitimate, rational, grounded, saying reasons, and just because she’s so sexy and cute. Does it mean she suddenly becomes Penelope Keith People diminished her anger because it scared them by making her Penelope Keith and it was sick and perverse and embarrassing to them.

“ that’s my entire family we’ve based our entire name on believing that Lacey is like those women partially because we wanted to think lamb was like those women but a man and obsessed with us so if you could imagine it’s like if hyacinth was a man and obsessed and so when he becomes serious and sad, we just assumed that hyacinth was getting her come up. It’s not that he was actually sad and angry for some reason that we couldn’t figure out. Or that we just didn’t like because it said something bad about us and we’re narcissists.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“ park Tilly park at poor Cordelia. I am not in good humor and it’s real and trying to take me down a peg was an incredibly stupid thing to do. That’s why we’ve had a pandemic. It’s why we’ve had the beginning of World War III. It’s why we’re struggling at this point as a World because I’m not Cordelia McPherson I’m not Penelope Keith and I was incredibly angry and I still up for very real reasons. I’m not that shallow. I’m sorry if that’s offensive to peoples egos I’m actually correct almost every fucking time!” yells Lacey Banks.

“Oh yeah you think you’re correct fine I’ll talk to you like the scum bucket lower class, Italian, Sicilian man that I am.” says Chris Dodds.

Later.

“Alright I’m sorry that took forever let’s talk!” says Lacey Banks.

“You don’t know fucking shit!” says Chris Dodds to Lacey Banks.

“I doubt that but let’s hear your stupid analysis!” says Lacey Banks.

Chris cries, “You think I’m stupid?!?”

“Yeah, you look pretty fucking stupid to me. I’m sorry.” says Lacey Banks.

“I’m actually a genius and you just didn’t know that!” says Chris Dodds, in a victorious manner.

“Actually I could see you being one by a very thin margin.” says Lacey Banks. “I bet you probably knocked it out of the parks when it came to math, but you’re potentially actually sort of stupid when it comes to literature and art, and anything of any sort of aesthetic or emotional value. So according to our current IQ tests, which are suspect, you are a genius but in reality you could actually be sort of retarded.”

“Am I a Cordelia McPherson as well?” asks Chris Dodds.

“You already have a suspicion! Why the fuck are you making me answer that for you? I would normally answer it but I don’t trust you anymore.” says Lacey Banks.

“Shit no I’m CordeliaMcPherson you’re right.” says Chris Dodds.

“What the fuck makes you think you’re me!?” asks Lacey Banks.

“ I don’t think I’m here. I think I got insulted by you and I was trying to prove you wrong and serve date you I think I was trying to use my dick to validate my ego. I thought this woman doesn’t think highly enough of me it’s really threatening because I I think our teacher wanted to screw you and I think that pissed me off because he was married and I didn’t wanna live in the reality of that so I sort of infantilized you and decided that you were the ignorant one not me and if I just slept with you and then dumped you you got it in some magical dumb ass nonsensical totally unsophisticated how I Met. Your mother is my Bible dumb ass way I was embarrassingly stupid.” says Chris Dodds.

“ do you know the singers and that could very well be true what scares me is that you, according to our current IQ tests are considered highly intelligent, but you make horrific mistakes like that, so the US expected you to be loved Billings, or some other man who’s probably a mechanic who is probably an Italian mechanic and it’s just so so screwed up because it’s not that you’re stupid necessarily if you’re capable of understanding what you just said, and actually saying in a real way no I don’t think you’re stupid but I think that it’s sick because if you feel some sort of honor or responsibility from your family and you’re trying to be a good person, there was no way for you to do that because how the heck were you supposed to be someone else, and you can probably do your job but maybe not as well as you’re supposed to be able to add there’s probably other jobs you’d rather do that you’re not trained for or that you would have even thought of that could actually be more lucrative or or something.” says Lacey Banks.

“ what do you think he should’ve done?” asks his wife.

“ you know I think he should’ve realize that he was just trying to hurt me because he was offended by some slightly esoteric libertarian argument that I got into with him I mean I think he took the libertarian cause extraordinarily seriously and I don’t think he realized that he could be wrong, or that if he was offended that it wasn’t time to start shooting people. I I mean it was about libertarianism you know not like umm…a here now physical real world fight.

I think his lack of understanding that that that’s how politics works and that people don’t take it seriously but they do at the same time indicates to me that he’s intelligent, but that he probably should’ve stayed out of politics. He probably should have her done something wrong with the business. I think he would’ve been a really good stockbroker or finance bro probably somewhere in New York City.” says Lacey.

“ why!?” asks Chris Dodds.

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“ because Q are really good at estimating things and you would’ve seen the potential of things that maybe most people are too scared to see the potential of so you would’ve analyzed stocks with the same Koldus, and yet quickness that you analyzed people and politics and sex to some degree but stockbrokers don’t actually need to be intelligent necessarily in that way I mean you were terrible in bed. You were a joke in bed sexual relations I had with you where it was like having a cold, wet giant fish to make love to you it was disgustingly stupid you have a nut. You have a very large penis, but you never used it in a way that was remotely arousing to me, why me when I first saw it it was arousing but then you never did anything with it not really I mean I think we did some stuff but it was more of an experiment and it wasn’t really actually that arousing and then the rest of what you did was just stupid as fuck you have no fucking clue what you’re doing with my body. It was completely repulsively stupid you’re a mildly OK kisser objectively speaking you might be better with your wife and that’s great but for me it was bad it was just bad but you you wouldn’t need to be you wouldn’t need to be that great in that way to be a really good stockbroker because what you could analyze was cut a more shallow but it’s stuff that’s hard to analyze and you’re not necessarily stupid overall so no, it’s like you could’ve done you probably could be very wealthy and frankly, probably a heck of a lot more humble.” says Lacey.

“ no he does. He has a really big penis!” says his wife, happily.

“ he does he does know he’s very gifted that way so to speak as a person but that’s where I’m sorry your husband is not all that bright and I hope he’s improved his intelligence with you.” says Lacey.

Chris Dodds’s wife laughs.

“ I mean I like to think that I like I like to think that that I’ve done pretty pretty well no I like to think that that I’ve done pretty well.” says Chris Dodds.

“ well, she seems remotely happy so that’s good.” says Lacey.

“ I’m sorry we screwed you over as Christians but then that’s where I start to get angry again.” says Chris Dodds.

“ what is it that we’re arguing about are we arguing about Italian politics?” asks Lacey.

“ in what century?!” asks Chris Dodds.

“ yeah, I kind of wonder if we’re actually arguing about Mussolini.” says Lacey.

“ I wouldn’t be surprised. What is the argument?” asks Chris.

“ You seem to like my Cellini you are joining up you are passionate and I am extraordinarily reticent and that makes you pissed off because you think why are you doing this to us? And it’s not us like we’re a couple it’s us like we’re a nation and you’re angry at me that I don’t get it.” says Lacey.

“ I think that’s the combination of his parents in his head getting very intelligently confused.” says his wife.

“ yeah I I I just I can’t I can’t how about this I can’t see why you’re so sold on him and it seems like he’s your part of the cause of speak but no I don’t get it. I don’t get his loyalty to Mussolini. I just don’t get it.“ says Lacey.

“ I think we’re Mussolini fans.” says his wife.

“ I didn’t have good parents either entirely, and instead of handling it like you I became very insecure. And I handled it in a way where if someone else was like me I just stab them in the back like you.” says Chris Dodds.

“ oh yeah, I know and I knew that about you subconsciously, but I could quite put it together in my head. And I actually think it’s unrelated though I don’t think we were drawn to each other. I think it’s more just coincidence. It actually pisses me off because it makes me think that someone was trying to set us both up to get really embarrassed by each other.” says Lacey.

“ how did you guys embarrass each other?” asks Chris’s wife.

“ it’s hard for me to even know how to put it into words for myself, but basically his relationship this is where it may be God use it for the good informed me that I should’ve really just been an art history major, and that I needed to just give up and be a housewife because it’s just wasn’t working to do anything else and that’s a harsh truth but it was it was very informative to me potentially in a very harsh, productive way, and I don’t know which side of the family that was, but that that was genuinely helpful I suspect.

But then I, I think I was probably more fortunate than him and someways and I don’t like necessarily to harp on that kind of stuff, and I was a little embarrassing somehow to have to to sort of defend myself and my honor and my family in my status that I was gone if I got stuff I can’t think that is quite like that, but it is it became an issue because he never seem to quite understand who I was so socioeconomically.

He embarrassed himself by not knowing that maybe him, and by making all these suggestions to me about lotions that smell like chocolate they’re cheap and taking me to his house that was actually somewhat poor and breaking about it like it wasn’t. I never buying me anything even just some sort of token of something no I don’t know if it’s that he couldn’t afford it and he lied about it, but he was absolute crap financially as far as I could tell, but he like to pretend otherwise and that’s very embarrassing for an Italian American. That’s extraordinarily embarrassing.

Him, and if he has a more honorable intelligence, if he’s not quite that petty, I think that was mean to him I think that was mean mean I mean, I think that was a mean thing for him to have to live through because I don’t think he deserved to have to ask to explain to me that he was humble Even in this post Mortem I don’t know that he deserve to have to do that.” says Lacey.