Dear Readers,
I LOVE you all. Hey, crew!
*kisses and big hug*
Look…I know.
The Quality of Mercy by Max Richter plays.
(Adult content below)
I know Lem has sex like…everyday with Lacey Banks and she’s not me. She’s a woman and she’s sexy and all. But…*long starry-eyed pause* Lem…doesn’t like women. *Jack laughs and takes a break to violently masturbate to thoughts of Lem being in love with him*
Lem…wasn’t in my bed. He’s in Lacey’s…but…I know…it’s gonna be okay. She doesn’t have the same delusion I have.
“J. Dude…it’s not real!” says Eminem trying to reason with him.
*Jack cries*
“Yeah. It’s not real.” says Eminem before walking off for his own protection.
*Jack Kennedy cries. Cries.*
“Hey! Why did you think it was going to be okay!?” asks Tsar Putin.
Because of my hair. And my hair is really good and I just thought because I have such good hair that it was like a total impossibility that like if I ever touched somebody that they wouldn’t be in love with me if I was interested. I have a really good hair.
“Then why are you in hell if you’re that stupid?” asks Tsar Putin.
Well…because I keep insisting that it’s true! I am not listening to God. I am not interested in hearing His opinion.
Like…I get that it’s not like an opinion it’s God but that’s that is not what Satan says. Satan tells me, ‘It’s not an opinion!’ and I’m just like, ‘OK well then clearly it’s a fact!’ and then Satan’s like, ‘No you don’t have to listen to God, you can just keep sinning and being evil if you really want to even though you’re dead if there’s free will.’ And I’m just like, ‘OK well at least there’s that!’
So I have chosen willfully to be in Hell and it is Hell and it is awful.
I have been informed by my lawyers that I am a really dumb gay prick and that it’s not likely that I am in the worst part of Hell because I’m too stupid to understand what the Hell even is, apparently potentially. But I’m still in Hell. OK? This is still technically Hell and that irritates me that you don’t believe me because my lawyers have informed me that I am in Hell and I can feel that I am in Hell. I know I’m in Hell! I don’t get it though. I thought we were winning against God!? What the heck!?
“So other than your hair what is it?” asks Lacey.
He sucked my cock!!
“That’s not proof!” says Tsar Putin.
Where are you taking me!?!
Later.
Okay I’m back. I’m in Hell. They do that here. It’s cool. *drinks a can of beer*
Umm…I guess I don’t have a reason. Other than my hair. *he burps*
It’s…just…like…I have…a feeling about it. Okay!? Like…it’s just a gut sense.
“Jack we can’t always trust our gut sense!” says Eminem.
But we have to! I love my gut senses! *he vomits his own evil*
Later.
Lacey is an-
Keen to Cross the Pond 