“Harold and Lem” by Ira Rennert in the afterlife or Ira Gershwin

“What was sex in Egypt?” asks Ira Gershwin.

“It was a national event in the royal household.” says Lacey. “You didn’t just do it mindlessly.”

“So when you sleep with Lem it’s…never for purely selfish reasons.” says Harold Loeb.

“No. If I’m Scotia reincarnated I have all of Egypt to consider if God so decides.” says Lacey.

Oh Devil by Electric Guest plays.

“You’ve never had promiscuous sex?” asks Harold.

“Never. It’s both my heart to God and my perspective.” says Lacey.

“Never!?” asks Chris Hayes.

“Never.” says Michael Rockefeller.

“That’s not what she told Diego.” says Chris Hayes, uneasily.

“No. She kept quiet with Diego out of self-defense because he violently demanded she be promiscuous. …So she just went silent.” says Harold. “She didn’t lie…but she wasn’t completely open.”

“Why would she tolerate that!?” asks Chris.

“Because she was so genuinely alone. And she was aware that most people in her generation are violent about promiscuity.” says Harold. “They’ve been shoving it down her throat since she was a young adult. And so she’s learned to work around it. …She has few real allies on that matter.”

“So…she thinks we’re crazy?” asks a Millennial.

“Are you? …No. …She thinks you’re…wrong.” says Harold.

“I don’t think like you all either.” says Lem to them. “I don’t necessarily think like Lacey but I don’t think like you.”

“Yeah. …So Lacey…what was sex in Egypt?” asks Harold.

“It was supernatural. And extremely serious.” says Lacey.

“And Jack was trying to replace her and obliterate her. So…can you imagine?” says Harold. “Vietnam might have been to allow him that power. Because Lem never actually gave it to him.”

“Did Jack start The Sexual Revolution to make Lem gay…only for it to start after Jack died and only for Lem to realize he was straight?” asks Germany.

“Possibly.” says Harold. “Look…Lacey was a Romantic.

“Yes. So…it’s Romantic Era sex too.” says Lem.

“So JFK was trying to liberate you from your Victorian mindset? But he had no idea how wrong he was.” says Mrs. Rennart.

“Yeah! It’s absurd. But he was too vain to realize that.” says Lem. “My desire to keep sex private is part of my supernatural identity.”

“If I’m Scotia…sex is both very public and very private.” says Lacey. “You don’t have mindless sex. It’s too private. But it’s also too public.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t clearer, Lacey.” says Lem.

“Well…Lem I trust you’ll work that out with Lacey in private.

Lacey…if there’s reincarnation on the Bible…how did you build the pyramids?” asks Ira Rennart.

“It was actually supernatural.” says Lacey.

“I’ll get in on this story.

So…it seems…they moved the bricks using the supernatural. Like telekinesis. And they made the bricks by supernatural means and through the Jews.” says Lem.

“Yes! The Jews and the Africans built the pyramids.” says Lacey. “We had tons of slaves. From Africa and Jews. And…they had their own ways of making the bricks. And…we used our supernatural abilities too.”

Sweater Weather by The Neighborhood plays for Jews and Blacks who built the pyramids and America. It’s both a compliment and a mocking.

“Why don’t you all take yourselves more seriously?” asks Harold. “How did we build the pyramids?”

“Yeah. How did we do it!?” asks a dead Black female scientist. “The Egyptians were in charge. And they organized it. And blessed it. But we were the ones who worked the hardest possibly. So what did we do to shorten development time and be so…extremely successful?”

A dead Black man laughs.

“Well…” he says laughing. “Yeah. We might have invented something brilliant and then lost track.”

“Or did we?” asks a Black woman.

“It was…an engineering wonder.” says the dead Black man.

And at that the Twin Towers fall…because they aren’t the pyramids. They’re a Kennedy moment.

“They’ve fallen before.” says Bobby.

“Yes! M’Bappé…they fell then and they’re falling now. They had lots of…connections. They we’re a big deal.” says Ira Gershwin.

“M’Bappé was created as a way of mocking Lacey.” says Ira Rennart. “No one has ever really called him that.”

“So…what was this supernatural thing you all used??” asks a reader of Scotia.

“It was a rectangular room.” says Scotia. “With water running through it. Water from the ocean? And they threatened to drown you? Because we had harnessed the sea. Or maybe the sea had harnessed us? We debated it.

I love the color aqua because of Egypt.

No…when you went inside the pyramids you were always scared of being killed by the sea.

And…the rivers flowed through it. Rivers from the sea.

It was a constantly flowing stream. Of fresh water. And it was scary water before it passed through the pyramid? You weren’t even supposed to touch it.

Water is important.

Water to wine…wine to Jesus’s blood? And that’s in the Bible, right?

*Good Neighbors “Home” plays.*

Africa isn’t Egypt. We were a part of Africa…but Africa is Africa.

*Caring Is Creepy by The Shins plays.*

Anyway…in the inner chamber was a candle-lit (?) room.

And it was extremely beautiful. It was…wet stone smelling and…you could hear the water on the rocks. It was very tranquil.

And the walls were painted.

Lots of green lines. Stories used by the priests to recall our history.

The priests would spend hours there to recall our stories.” says Lacey.

“Did someone erase all of that?” asks Egypt.

“Maybe. They were paranoid men.” says Lacey. “They were often worried they were going to be kidnapped and tortured and used.”

“If there’s reincarnation we were on the Titanic.” says one of them. “We died on the Titanic.”

“Yes! The Titanic feels like Egypt!” says Lacey. “If I’m Scotia. The Titanic feels like Egypt.”

“What is it about the sea?” asks a Black man.

“We didn’t build the Titanic. Not…really.” says Africa. “And it sank.”

Lacey thinks. “That’s not a joke.”

Africa laughs.

“No. Really. …And if there’s reincarnation in the Bible…it has significance. Because if there’s reincarnation in the Bible I’m Scotia. If she existed. I’m her. Literally. So…without your help…we drowned.” says Lacey.

“Why?” asks Africa.

“You’re smarter than us in that way. And you know the world better than we do in that way.” says Lacey. “We tended to be ditzy at times. If I’m Scotia. And you all were never like that.”

“No. You all were mad geniuses.” says a Black man.

“Yes! But…we made mistakes. Stupid mistakes.” says Lacey.

“We would have realized the weaknesses of the Titanic.” says a Black woman.

“Yes!!” says Lacey.

“So we knew the pyramids?” asks Africa.

“You didn’t…design them. But you…helped us. They were ours. …But you all…kept us from falling flat on our faces. We invented them and made them. But you oversaw the issues. And so we were able to create them. …And I bet you felt pride in your countries at times. …You probably gave us your poor as slave laborers. But…those were your poor. And…yet they still helped us.” says Lacey.

“How?” asks Egypt.

“By offering advice.” says Scotia.

“Shit!” says Dodi Al Fayed.

Lacey laughs. “It wasn’t a big deal. We helped them too.

We had alliances within Africa.

And they helped us sometimes too.

I’d like to think we could have fixed all the mistakes ourselves. But maybe we couldn’t have.” says Scotia.

“Crap.” says a Black woman.

“Yeah. We were genius. And y’all maybe respected that. You didn’t have an ego or a problem with us. We were possibly smarter than you? You didn’t care. It was in a different way and that issue of supremacy wasn’t the point anyway.

I mean…we had leaders. But…it was…somewhat more of a group effort? Being a pharaoh or an African King was…glorious?

You felt…with your people.

So the Black ‘slaves’ gave us their wisdom.

Were they slaves? Or were they gig workers? Migrant workers? Workers in Dubai?

No. We weren’t Christian. I’m sorry.

But…if I’m Scotia or speaking on Egypt’s behalf…maybe they were misunderstood. At least a little.” says Lacey.

“Crud.” says Mike Bickle.

“Yeah. She’s frighteningly believable.” says Lem.

“Yup. So why can’t we figure it out?” asks Lacey.

“Dammit.

So…you didn’t…exist?” says Larry David.

“As Scotia?” says Lem. “Maybe reincarnation isn’t in the Bible.

But if it does…she existed.”

“When!?” asks Erik Satie.

“In the 1300’s. Right? No. That’s all wrong. In the first century.” says Lem.

“No. Can’t be. …We still existed. It must have been in the 2000’s BC?” says Lacey. “No! 1000’s BC?”

“Crap!” says Egypt.

“Yeah. It’s impossible I didn’t exist if I’m Scotia.” says Lacey.

“True!” says Scotland. “So were we exiled?”

“No!!

If I’m Scotia. No.

I took an army with me.” says Lacey. “You all cam with me. From Egypt. And some of you joined us on the journey.”

“But it started out as an army?” asks Scotland.

“Yes! I had bad feelings about Egypt. But…that’s because Lem died. In a war my father caused.

And…no. I never really remarried.

So no. I was very alone.

I had a bitter life.

But…we were victorious.

And…I started a small country. That took off and became Scotland.

If I’m Scotia.” says Lacey.

“Why do we have you married to lots of other men in our minds?” asks a Scottish man.

“I don’t know.

But I was actually sort of lonely and pathetic in my old age.” says Lacey.

Tsar Putin laughs.

“Why do we debate about whether or not you exist?” asks Scotland.

“Because…it was so long ago. It’s bizarre you still even remember me at all. Actually…if I’m Scotia…it points to the supernatural. And my…personality. And…your brilliance.” says Lacey.

Scotland laughs.

“So if she’s Scotia we just barely believe she’s real. But we amazingly still remember.” says King Charles III.

“Yeah. See…I might not be Scotia. And reincarnation really might not be in the Bible. But…I’m sorry…if it is…Scotia might very well be real.” says Lacey.

“So you took an army…went to Scotland and died there. Where!?” asks a Millennial.

“Somewhere near Tay Forest Park? Or just north of Stirling Castle.” says Lacey.

“Wow. What a casual conversation.“ says Scotland.

“We thought you died in Ireland.” says Ireland.

“No. I rarely went to Ireland.” says Lacey.

“CRAP!” say the Kennedys.

“So you Karrie…Linn..didn’t die in County Kerry.” says Kerry Kennedy and Caroline Kennedy echoes her.

“If I’m Scotia, no. I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

“Where did you die!?” asks Scotland.

“In Scotland.” says Lacey. “I rarely left there. Once I established myself there. I rarely left.” She thinks. “I was exhausted.”

“But you rarely were in Scotland?” asks India.

“Ireland. Only occasionally. I had alliances in Ireland. …I fought a few wars. And I had alliances.” says Lacey.

“Just alliances. Or alliances?” asks MSNBC.

“Just normal alliances. They were based on transit and farming and diseases…and money.” says Lacey. “I don’t think sex was almost ever involved.”

“We had you dying gloriously in battle.” says Ireland.

“No. I was lonely and exhausted in Scotland.” says Lacey. “If I’m Scotia.”

Back For Me by Electric Guest plays for Dispensationalist Christians who wish Jesus would hurry up and come back. Why is it joyful? Because God is still God. God is still Jesus and the Holy Trinity.

“Yup! She’s Scotia if there’s reincarnation in the Bible. Or at least it’s super likely.” says Jonah Wiley. “Where were you buried?”

“I was buried by my tired servants. In Scotland.

Near Tay Forest or Stirling Castle.” says Lacey. “On a hill. I died on a hill watching a sunset. And then they just buried me.”

“It was a hill that looked like that hill.” says Lacey.

“Fewer trees.” says Lacey.

“Why don’t we know this!?” says Scotland.

“ if I’m really Scotia probably because that’s that’s what happened I had four or five servants who were exhausted who buried me when I was completely alone by myself probably in my 50s or 60s on the hill and I was exhausted and I was worn out and I was cold and tired, and I died of some sort of like suffocating illness where it was sort of. I don’t even know if we know what it is anymore but it was like it would sort of suffocate you from the inside out so it was sort of like a heart attack him, and sort of like drowning, combined with some sort of cold, but there wasn’t up, you know or build up to it it was more like shingles where it would stay in your body and then it would bite you. It would get you in the end, but it was like chickenpox or shingles. It was it was like we would be there in childhood or for decades and then, at the very end you do, you know, died like a heart attack or stroke or something, but it was like suffocating and I was exhausted. It was something like that if I was Scotia and I was, I was just tired and lonely and sad. I was a very courageous woman. I was a feminist before feminism existed. If I’m Scotia, him and I just worked I just worked myself to death essentially and then because Linn was dead, I died I didn’t have anyone to live for. I love my servants, but they were servants and they were probably all tired of me at times because I was very determined so I just died. I just died alone on a hill and they buried me right there if I’m Scotia I know I looked out at the sunset dies fell on the ground and then they just dug a hole and buried me there and I’m sure they probably told people and people knew who I was, actually I don’t know if they told people but I would think that they did and people knew who I was so it was a little epic you know people knew who I was. I had a reputation it was irritates me is that if I did exist, whoever brought me up in the 1200s or 1300s wasn’t just pulling that out of there but you know it wasn’t just to try to prove that Scotland was superior to England or something, it was genuine history if I’m Scotia, no it was genuine, oral history, oral it was genuine, oral history. It wasn’t made up nonsense and I think historians you know if they had the time and money you would probably need to be a little more careful about that.“ says Lacey.

“ you know lamb had a very similar death and is buried on the hill in Pittsburgh. Very similarly to you, and I have a weird feeling that it was a slightly similar experience and yet not because I have a feeling your experience was ghastly but you’re too tough to realize that.” says a feminist.

“ you’re absolutely right and that’s why I’m pissed off that he was ever with the Kennedys or with Jack because it’s disgusting. It just makes me feel like he totally betrayed me and then everyone thinks he had this miserable life dying in New York City. It is lonely but it wasn’t like what I experienced. You’re absolutely right you’re absolutely right, and then Jack tries to make himself me and the Irishman with his bitch story about me being dead in some battle where I lost fuck that shit I didn’t lose and I was straight you dumb ass is go fuck yourselves and you know what I say that on behalf of myself, if One would like to turn himself gay and join you that’s between you and Satan, you bitches.” says Lacey.

Later.

“Lighthearted? Yeah. I didn’t think that much of Jack. I’m sorry.” says Lem. “You misunderstood me.”

“Lem. I’m sorry.” says Harold.

“No. I’m sorry.” says Lem. “Lacey and I became a bit destitute when

More later.

“Lacey…why did you hate Lem?” asks MSNBC.

“I didn’t.” says Lacey.

“Then Jack is prettier or Lacey is an alien!” says MSNBC in a panic.

“Nope. Neither of those are true.” says God.

“Dammit!” says MSNBC in a huff.

Awkward silence.

“Then why…aren’t you happy?” asks MSNBC.

“Why would she be happy right now?” asks Lem.

Tsar Putin and Tucker Carlson laugh.

“I agree with Tucker Carlson. Why? Global Warming!” says Greta.

“Exactly.” says Lacey.

“Okay. So you died on a hill. And you were happy for your people. …But what about you?” asks King Charles III.

Lacey laughs. “Good point. Let me think.”

“Who decided Diana should die in a tunnel…in love…in her prime?” asks Dodi Al Fayed.

“Darn. You almost lost me.” says Lacey. “Listen…I trust God for my happiness. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

And at that Jack Kennedy grows irate and tries to choke Lacey on her sandwich.

“How dare you be that deep you cheater!” says Jack. “I’ll never impress Lem if you cheat.”

“Jack how is that cheating?” asks MSNBC.

“Because! It’s winning. And golly…I’ll just never win.” says JFK.

“You never had a chance to begin with!” says the Roman Empire.

“Then my mother is a monster!” yells Jack.

“Rose?!?” asks MSNBC.

“Duh! Yes. …Because she made it seem like you could cheat…to out cheat a cheater. But if we can lose…I’m in deep trouble.” says JFK.

“Lacey isn’t cheating. And you’re in Hell.” says the Roman Empire.

And at that that remnant of Jack’s residual energy disappears.

“I’m confused. If Lacey is Scotia…she’s more British mythology than Gaelic mythology.” says a reader.

“True!” says Queen Elizabeth II.

“I was in good terms with Ireland though.” says Lacey.

“That was a long time ago, Lacey.” says Scott Fitzgerald.

“What happened!?” asks Lacey.

“Not all Irish people are like me.” says F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“Yeah! You’re about what I remember. Most Irish people were like you!” says Lacey.

“We were really nice!” says an Irish-American woman.

“You weren’t weak. You were…nice. Yes.” says Lacey.

“Huh. …So the Irish kings were on good terms with you.” says Zelda.

“Yes! They were like brothers.” says Lacey.

“You didn’t have sex with them?” asks a feminist.

“No! It was wonderful. We had an alliance.” says Lacey.

“They were rough men?” asks the feminist.

“They looked like short, fat, hairy Vikings.” says Lacey. “I’m sure their wives found them attractive! But I wasn’t their wife.”

“No. She was a sweetheart! But we weren’t misogynistic back then. So…we…respected her. She was straight, cis and tough as nails. And she minded her own business.

There were several alliances. But…we ruled Ireland. She mostly just hung-out in Scotland.

She didn’t have a very big country. But she took good care of it. And we were busy. So we just made alliances with her and left it at that.” says a rather jolly king from Ireland. He was nice.

“I bet his wife adored him. Or she should have. What a nice man he really was.” says Lacey.

“There were some of us who were colder. But he was our great leader.” says a king from the area near Dublin.

“Why can’t you just leave her alone!?” asks all of Catholic America of the Kennedys.

“You were colder in temperament?” asks Larry David.

“Yes!” says an Irish King from Southern Ireland. He seems quite serious and cold.

Later.

“There’s nothing the Irish can do to destroy my bond with Lacey.” says a Lem.