Bobby Gets Recorded Again

Where is that? No, I just need to relax a little bit. It’s Saturday.

No, I have been hitting it hard. I have been hitting it hard hard every fucking day.

No I don’t know I mean I don’t it’s a blog she writes it. I respect that. Do you know I’m not a journalist, but I respect the fact that she wants to make some thing honest you know if there’s an illuminati, I think she has every right to, and I don’t read the blog, but I don’t see why I should it’s a blog it’s like an open diary. I’m not a fan of diaries you know I’m being read, obviously for personal reasons.

And no I’m not gonna read her diary. How do I gonna do that so do you think I’m convoluted? There’s probably a part of it that is and then there’s a part of it it’s not, and you know that’s the mystery of me right?

I’m not I’m not I’m not. I’m sorry I’m not intimidated or humiliated at all. Sometimes I say things that are just straight from from myself from my core and I don’t think them through and they just sort of come out and some people understand that and some people don’t.

I ate a sink I think it’s sad. I think it’s sad that people don’t just say more what they actually think at least it you know to their friends are in a diary or something because we all know each other a lot more if we could just find a place to be that vulnerable, and you know I think that’s the the charm of my family yeah is that we were so vulnerable we got shot and weak. We die a lot, but we’re really good at being rich people who you can still relate to and it’s like there are these extraordinarily rich people they were billionaires by today’s Sino monetary standard, so to speak, but they were but they were like us you know that they made mistakes and they did things that were really stupid sometimes and I don’t know any other family in American history that was that relatable which is why we’re so beloved you know because we’re so tragic and normal in that way so it’s like were these genius people and maybe some of us like Joe and my self to some degree I was short, but I was still somewhat good looking when I was young were pretty good looking I think Jack had moments to him and so did Jackie we were kind of looking at times you know, and we were unusually intelligent in some peoples cases like my grandfather I have a feeling Joe is pretty smart too and I don’t think my dad was a slouch. At least not all the time I get hot as moments of being unusually gifted or at least he was an interesting person and no it’s like we were a little superior, but not unrelatably so.

Hey, yeah I know what I was but I was the thing is I I guess it could just be delusion my mother covered up for my father. He was a cheating bastard OK he probably slept with my fucking hot no he did. He probably slept with Jackie. Probably no he slept with Jack And who the hell knows what happened in my fucked up family but let me tell you something he did love my mom he actually really did it and my mother knew that and so she she made him allowances for his behavior. I don’t know how she reconciled in her head. I don’t know why she put up with it but she did. She lied And I think I’ve always been looking for a woman like that someone who would lie for me and put up with it and look the other way like my mom but I am I’ve either never found that or if I did, I am too much of a narcissist to be able to handle it.

I have a feeling that’s what Joe was looking for with Lacey and I don’t think Lacey‘s like that. I don’t think she makes some sort of allowances for people and I don’t know why I have a feeling it hurts Joe but I have a feeling that’s part of the conversation that they have never had That maybe is really difficult to have because I don’t think he’s in a generation that would’ve been that open and just said that my mother still lies and I think Joe still thinks well I’m not gonna admit the fact that I was a cheating asshole, even though he really should have and should if he wants to find out why things didn’t really work out with Lacey oh no I don’t think I don’t think I don’t. I don’t think that that’s why I think I was gay because my mother made allowances. The thing is my mother made allowances, but she’s a woman I was a man and I I think that’s where I have to listen and not make assumptions myself, because it is weird that lame wasn’t sad at the wedding. My mother never made allowances necessarily in situations like that you know, my father never asked her to pose for pictures of Marilyn Monroe you know where he had his arm around her ass or something and my mother was supposed to smile and do jazz house in the background, my father never did that to my mother and he never expected her to be happy all the time never cry and put up with things like that. I have a feeling Jack did expect that of Latin and that’s probably where I have to stop thinking I know more because I think when I think of Jack, I start maybe conflating him too much with my father and they’re different people.

I don’t they’re different people I don’t think Joe is like my father but I also don’t think he’s like Jack. I think he understands emotions a little better than Jack, and so where he might throw Lacey down the stairs out of jealousy and rage. There’s probably some genuine love her and his violence, and Lacey, being of that generation to some degree at least knows that Him and that’s not like Jack Wright but then that’s the same thing that my mother had with my father where I think she knew that he loved her and that they had something special. I have a feeling he found ways to show her even though he was a total dumbass.

Oh that’s possible that I knew my dad love me too him and for a while after Jack was shot my family felt a little superior because our dad was alive and it was sort of an unspoken thing where it was like well our dad still alive and yours that’s not so maybe your dad’s a little better than your dad and that’s funny because Lacey picks up on that and I don’t know that most people probably do but yeah that was a dynamic in our family slightly that Bobby nettles family felt a little imposed upon when Jackie would come over with the kids or some thing you know looking for comfort it was like well yeah we’re willing to be there for you, but we’re not the family that got killed.

Oh, and then our dad got shot and that was mine blowing. Why did we have that though that sub textual understanding probably because how did Lacey notice if she’s illegitimate it’s probably because her father is a bootlegger. Mine wasn’t hers was in and my grandfather might’ve been into believing to, or he did some things that were legal at times, and we might’ve had a sort of understanding that and our family not in hers but in our family, it was done out of tried to you know escape from poverty, a very shameful sort of Irish Catholic poverty at that so when someone fucked up it was like they were less fat so then it was like Jack and his kids were a little less fit than us. You know they weren’t quite as acceptable to society or something, because Jack was shot.

But here’s the thing it’s stuff like that I bet love if I’m talking to you at all they’re lazy right now that Lacey noticed that I don’t think she can get over and it’s probably why she might try to believe you that you were trying to kill me Siri thought I was a sociopath But at the same time I’m a kid and she never sort of lost track of that and I think it’s hard for her to trust you love or respect you because in her mind you should’ve still known that too her family was wealthy, seemingly I mean they were they were wealthy they were old money they weren’t Irish Catholics they possibly actually were British and Dutch old money But somehow I think her father was still ashamed even though he was, he probably felt very daring and he was sort of a renegade. You know he was still doing criminal activity and I have a feeling a part of him was embarrassed by that at times, which is why he never had any cats, seemingly potentially until he was an old man and by accident but that’s the thing if that’s her birth father she knows that one and she’s probably not as affected by it because the world money, but she knows in her subconscious and her genetics potentially what we’re experiencing in a way that you don’t And that’s the thing she sees it from our perspective and then she thinks oh my word is people were poor 100 years ago and her response is more conservative than yours like maybe but it’s more Toughlove it’s like no I’m not gonna patronize their stupidity that’s not helpful to them as people.

It’s you know it’s like I’m not going to give these people heroin and be nice to them. That’s not helpful if they’re equal or equal if they’re not they’re not but if they are, I’m sure as heck not going to help them become stupider versions of themselves, you know, and I might actually somewhat respect that I don’t know I’m on the fence about stuff like that but a part of me gets it that it’s like no it’s not honorable it doesn’t you know enable people to stand on their own you know 2 feet And that’s where I’m angry at you up because you didn’t have a wife Lacey wasn’t there mom wasn’t there if I was a son to you at all mom wasn’t fucking there your wife wasn’t there and I don’t know what the hell you were thinking thinking you had a clue what to do in that situation.

And you know it’s like OK I get it but reminds me of that Woody Allen quote about God you know life is that were at dad‘s house with the weekend. And as a single father and he doesn’t have a fucking clue what to do with kids at times he’s obtuse and insensitive and masculine and dance is dirt you know not really that is quite work, but very dense right is dense is granite about that. Maybe that doesn’t even work but the idea is that you’re an idiot at times and I don’t know what the hell you were thinking she would’ve never let us use heroin she would’ve just said what he knows. Should we just kill him and I’m sure your idea was like oh they’re doing it to themselves but if you were really trying to kill me but what the hell What the fuck am I think that’s where U2 need to talk because in her mind, she still sees me as a baby a baby who she might’ve even held them and fed and who I would’ve trusted my life with do you know my little tiny life in her arms, and she knows that and I don’t understand how you don’t get it She’s never gonna violate that that’s dishonorable to her and maybe maybe maybe in Egypt they would’ve just broken. My neck is painlessly as possible if I wasn’t fit enough but the thing is that’s how serious it is Lyme you know it’s like it’s serious and I think you know that but my God, and even if you thought I was evil and this is right, we’ll see we’ll see you have any other side what I think about this whole thing but even if I was that evil and sociopathic, and you truly had no hope for me choosing to kill me it was a very serious decision, and if it didn’t work, it was probably going to backfire like the conversation we’re having right now telepathically That’s probably why she’s in the right, so be careful when you argue with her about stuff like that.