“Donald Drumpf” by Lem Billings

“Hey Donald Drumpf!” says Alex Whitworth of Macalester College and his parents were both doctors. He snickers. “I know your real name!”

“Oh wow. Okay!” says Donald Drumpf.

“Yeah! You’re an asshole peasant loser!” says Alex Whitworth.

Donald (Trump) Drumpf pretends to cry.

Bored, Donald Trump takes out a $200,000.00 video game system. Eats a gourmet burger and gets a $20,000.00 back rub by one of the world’s best reflexologists.

“What’s he doing!?” asks Alex Whitworth of his parents were both doctors and he went to Macalester College.

“He’s relaxing. He’s had a rough time of it and he’s running for US President.” says a Republican.

“Oh my god!! You all so fucking rich!” says Alex.

“Yeah. His dad gave him millions of Dollars in the 1970’s!” says MSNBC.

“MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN THE 1970’s!?! With inflation that’s really shocking. WOW!” says Alex.

“Yeah! His dad was rich!!” says MSNBC.

“SHITHEAD! …I could never be that rich. He’s old money. He’s old fucking money, generational wealth!!!” scoffs Alex in a peasant huff of righteous indignation.

“Yeah! I know! Right!??” says MSNBC.

“Say! Richie-Richards! Go back to your English Castle and drink tea from your golden teacup! FUCK YOU!!” yells Alex Whitworth at Donald Trump.

“Do I need to kill you?” Donald Trump asks Alex Whitworth.

“No!!” says Alex Whitworth of Macalester College, his parents were both doctors, and UCLA.

“Oh! UCLA!?!?” says MSNBC.

“Yeah!” says China.

Salad Days by Mac DeMarco plays.

“Doesn’t that make him in a higher class than DONALD TRUMP!!??” says MSNBC, sincerely.

“Yeah! I’m smart!” says Alex Whitworth, sincerely.

“Are you???” asks MSNBC, sincerely.

“Yeah!!! I AM!” says Alex Whitworth, annoyed.

“Oh okay!? Geez!” says MSNBC.

“So…umm…why are you being so stupid in regards to social class?” dead French aristocrats say to Alex.

“I’m not!?” says Alex.

“Ahh…no. You are.” says the CIA. “Alex we chose you to have this conversation with because you’re so smart.”

“I don’t know what I’m talking about.” says Alex.

“You’re supposed to!” yells Lem.

“Oh!! America!” says a dead man. “Alex…didn’t you tell Lacey you were Jewish and Russian and named after Alexander the Great?”

“Yeah. That’s all true.” says Alex.

Killer by Mareux plays.

“Ha!” says a dead Jewish man in Minneapolis.

“But I’m American!” says Alex.

“REALLY!??” asks the CIA. “During World War I the US GOVERNMENT saw things differently.”

“During World War II too.” says Japan.

“Crap!

So you think I’m secretly en league with Putin!!??” says Alex.

“Yeah.” laughs a dead Russian mafia member.

“But my family never has had anything to do with Russia or the Russian mafia?” says Alex.

“We don’t care! In this situation you’re still ours.” says the Russian mafia.

“So…what…did I do?” asks Alex.

“You just hurt her. But…we cleaned it up a little.” says the dead Russian mafia. “We honor her father in Christ.”

“So I was less of an asshole thanks to all of you.” says Alex to the Russian mafia.

“Yes! Wasn’t that Godly of her?” says the Russian mafia.

“Yeah.” says Alex. “Am I being weird?”

“You don’t make any sense!” says the Russian mafia.

“It’s just too much of a contradiction?” says Alex.

“ Alex, you were trying to be in Naval intelligence you told Lacey that one of the first times that she talk to you are you actually in the CIA you’re very buff you’re very smart I’m not convinced you’re not secretly in the CIA and they had her sleep with you because they were keeping an ion her because she started to scare them. Um why I don’t know my guess is that they probably saw her on the news. Also, she interviewed for a very high ranking position in the US government in a way and people are curious for totally reasonable reasons and I wonder if you actually are secret operative my bet is that you’re a double agent you are actually American but also Russian so if this is a real conversation, Alex you’re not real I don’t know if you’re talking to you telepathically or not but you really aren’t real you’re actually you slept with her and she lost her virginity to you but I almost feel like that was an initiation into the illuminati, or some sort of protection, because of her father, if the Russian mafia got involved and thought that they needed to get involved to protect her because it was getting to be too hot to hot like the situation was getting to be too hot. We’re not saying in a sexual way necessarily but I wonder, I wonder I wonder if you actually are not real but you know what we’re not gonna feel we’re not going to let ourselves get too caught up and how stupid it seems if you actually are real because that’s possible too but I’m a little worried, Alex that you actually are but you actually are a spy because that makes a lot of sense to me the way that you found her the way that you came onto her the way that things happened. She is very beautiful but that is exactly what will be required in the situation would be a man who’s attracted to her, who’s actually attracted to her so I wonder if they profiled you profiled her I thought you would work in which case they know she’s not a Kennedy they know that she’s possibly Tom’s daughter or something I don’t know it’s just about the oil in her family but it is I have a feeling it would probably be time that they would be scared by so wow are you a spy or not?” says Louis.

“ do you know even if I am I still might not have realized how done what I was doing was.” says Alex.

“ what the fuck she lost her virginity to a spy who is set up to sleep with her wow that’s fucked up but then the question is who would she have lost her virginity to otherwise?” says a Jew.

“My son, her legal husband, it would’ve been him.” says Ken Schiebel.

“ yeah and he was Jewish at the time but we thought he was because he was raised Jewish shit so it’s it could be an anti-Jewish conspiracy an anti-Jewish conspiracy not even anti-somatic that just anti-Jewish in away because that might not even hate the Jews. It might just be suspicious of us.” says a Jew.

“ so they were afraid that some thing would happen if she was with Mark and they were entirely wrong with the hell OK but could even be a supernatural spy?” says the Illuminati.

“ yes, he could be.” says Casi’s grandfather.

“ I am wow well oh so Alex are you are not?” asks his mother in shock in the afterlife.

“ listen I wouldn’t be able to tell if if I actually am connected to the CIA and the Russian mafia I would be able to tell I wouldn’t be able to tell but I’ll try to say if I’m not.

Or is this just ordinary for you people Casi I don’t think you’re I think your grandfather is southern and lower class and smart, but this is where I think you guys got a little off this really isn’t normal. This isn’t a normal conversation and this is is this real for you guys?” says a reader.

“ it’s not real for me at all.” says Casi.

“ casi I wasn’t asking you is what you should say to her because that’s a good question it is real for us. Obviously you don’t even need to ask that necessarily you should just know but go ahead and ask Casi the right question right now can you ask her are you too upset?” asks the CIA.

“ that’s funny it’s not real it’s not real at all.” says Casi.

“ Casi who are you talking to?” asks Alex.

“ I’m talking to you guys because it really pisses me off. This is real to people and I’m talking to them because they don’t know fucking any better now they think I’m one of you and Lacey knows that except I’m not entirely in my right mind and so I’m starting to think I’m one of you and I’m starting to think that she’s like me and that she’s a liar and all of you could be too.” says Casi.

“ casi were talking about her to her about her actual fucking life. This really literally happened.” says the CIA.

“ what does it have to do with me?” says Casi.

Eyes Be Closed by Washed Out plays.

“ do you know Casi it is really fucking sad that Lacey lost her virginity. Potentially to a Russian spy you’re right it’s really fucked up. This is a real conversation to us but yeah it is. It’s fucked up you’re absolutely right if that’s what you’re thinking, we agree.” says the Illuminati.

Casi laughs.

“ but then that is her life, Casi, and as much as it bothers you, you have to let her like deal with it as best as she had in her own way.” says the Illuminati.

“It’s wrong this isn’t supposed to be happening and I understand that she’s dealing with it in her own fucking way, but part of me is irritated by that because it’s so British and they’re better than me and then part of that is so irritating to me on a human level cause I think what the fuck Does anyone give a fuck about her?” says Casi.

“ is it triggering to you?” asks the Illuminati.

“ do you know if it is I probably don’t wanna talk about it. Are you a fucking spy or not jack ass?” she says to Alex.

“ hey Paul, yeah no I’m not if I was I have to if I was it I have to lie about it but no I’m not.” says Alex.

“ why the hell didn’t anyone else ever sleep with her?” asks Casi.

“ well she would’ve never slept with you and she’s because she’s a woman and she’s straight and to be perfectly honest with you Casi that’s a good question because she’s incredibly beautiful and incredibly sexy and there’s nothing wrong with her. She’s kind of out of her time but there’s really nothing wrong with her.” says the Russian mafia.

“ is there anyone want to sleep with her then??!” says Casi.

“ there are there are probably her next-door neighbor might even want to or some neighbor of hers. I mean there are fucking people everywhere even even at 40 who want to Casi the problem is they never know how to do it they never know how to ask, they never know how to approach her, they do stupid stuff to get her attention that is just repulsive to her and makes her wanna punch them in the face. It’s because it’s so repulsive so it’s like someone might see her and find her attractive and then instead of just talking to her and trying to get her number like Alex did that’s all he did. He just talk to her I got her number and that’s all he did which is where if he’s a spy he was probably coached by someone who might’ve actually been older to just just it’s like you just you just go talk to her get her number that’s all I am and it was affective, and then there are some men who I would say that he’s not a spy, and that he just knew what he was doing because he’s so smart but by and large most people don’t know how to do it. They literally have no idea what they’re doing. It’s almost like she’s surrounded by people who aren’t really human and she’s the only human left on earth it’s hell for her they really don’t know what they’re doing Casi that’s really the answer potentially sweetie she’s better than you so that’s just all there is to it they just don’t know how to do it.” says the CIA.

“ they really don’t know how to do it. What the hell are they doing?” asks Casi.

“ well that’s that’s part of the explanation we have because there’s nothing wrong with her she superior, etc. etc. there are other theories sweetie. You’ve used your kind of acting like a narcissist right now it’s really annoying to us because you’re losing your patience not because you have insight sweetie because you’re anxious because she’s superior to you, but if there’s a part of you that actually cares by yeah what are they doing? Was like that I said they do dumb stuff like making fun of her or making fun of each other in front of her or possibly making a stupid joke or you know making a weird face it’s like their kids which could just be an energy it could be a frequency issue so it’s like their energies are such where it’s like she’s maternal to them and they know that even though she’s their age and she’s attractive so on a certain level they’re just like yeah I could I could fuck that with her when it comes down to it it’s like what how would you do it and they’re just like make a silly face with my hands and jump up and down..

Him and then she’s like that’s kind of stupid and I’m your age now I’m really lonely and they’re just like he he he we don’t know tee hee hee and then him and then she just like well. OK you’re kind of an idiot.

And then they kind of smiles do you believe and move their head around weird and she thinks all the precious little idiot and then she think so what a nice man what a nice man and then that’s the end of any sexual relationship she could ever have with those people because they’re moving their head around like an infant like show grandma said hello and so you know they kind of twist their head and wave better And smile and blow bubbles out of her mouth and that’s a Normas accomplishment and she thinks it’s just precious.

And then they in and they feel very proud of themselves and they think all I’m a nice guy and she thinks yeah you’re a nice guy and they actually feel very happy for the most part there are some who genetically maybe are more her age who actually then start to get pissed off and Tucker Carlson is one of them because it’s like he’s just like what the fuck I’m not a fucking infant I’m a grown man This is stupid and for him maybe it is because he’s genetically a little bit higher socially and know that I think she’s old money so there are enough old money men like him who are physically capable of being with her and it’s not pedophilic for either of them and they’re just like you know What the hell she’s attractive it’s not that hard to just talk to her and get her number and then you know see where things go and so it’s not perverse for either of them to be together because to him he’s just like no she’s my age worst case scenario it’s a woman maybe 20 or 30 years older than him but he’s in his 30s or some thing and she still really hot so why not they’re both adults worst case scenario so then it’s like no Sam is actually younger than me and he’s intelligent enough in old money now for you just like whatever I hooked up with a hot old lady and she is she’s very beautiful so I mean if he was 30 and there was some incredibly well preserved, sexy six-year-old, who was drunk, and he flirted with her Maybe something happened but that

That’s what she looks like she she doesn’t look like Oprah but she looks. She looks. She looks like a hot six-year-old black woman on the inside. That part of her is aged very well. Lacey is aging well but unusual for a white woman to be honest, and now Egypt’s not black if there’s been Carnation, Scotia was not black I’m sorry, but there could be something to that if there’s reincarnation where she’s aging better than most people as an Egyptian if there’s reincarnation, but she’s not black it’s It’s just closer in proximity genetically and those people my age a little better than white people um, so yes if there’s reincarnation, I don’t know Lacey probably say to some black women I would take my little bit of whiteness over being black if you’re going to be that petty if you’re going to get into some sort of superiority context, context, context contest a no I would take being Egyptian and being white because it trumps being black given racism at the end so that’s why you should probably just shut up because clearly there’s real racism in which case I’m better than you And you’re a fucking piece of shit compared to me because I’m not black but I still age better than most people so I have all the perks of being black with none of the problems. Is that what pisses you off bitch and if that’s that’s the case and go talk to God go talk to Jesus baby because I didn’t do fucking shit to make that happen and you’re insane to think it was me.” says the CIA. “ if you want to have a real conversation. Heck yes I would prefer to have skin that age is like a black woman who wouldn’t but I’m just not black. I’m sorry it’s not racism. I’m just not black you are do you have a problem with that again go talk to God I didn’t have anything to do with that I don’t think I had to ask him Scotia but no I don’t think I have anything to do with it go talk to God.”

“No you’re right if you’re getting into a petty contest about how people see things it would be preferable to be a Gyptian to be in black and that’s all her shit that’s all she say so then it’s like why are you even arguing with her this is just a white person who has skin and age is better and no I mean if you’re talking about your skin you know it itself yeah it’ll be nice to have skin like a black person.” says an African leader.

“ no and I mean I’m sorry you can’t make me black if I was black at some point if there’s reincarnation, I would definitely be proud of that but I’m not that this is pets you’re stealing from me poor white people are using you people to steal from me now so now I have Black people visiting me and Egypt from who the fuck knows where that’s white African leaders involved a dead African leader because what the hell are you doing in our country if it Hass to come to that looking for shit bitch?” says Lacey.