Lacey and I were attempting to talk. Intimately. And to some success. As we were falling asleep together. But we were very savagely interrupted. And now it’s just too difficult to sleep.
I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross plays.
“Oh SHIT!” yells JFK from Hell. Judith Exner is with him.
“What’s going on!?” says Bobby Senior.
“Lem isn’t with Jack!” yells Judith.
“I asked Lacey tonight to tell us who she’s been sleeping with if it’s not Lem- Like…if Lem isn’t just playing a mean prank on her. …And she told us it was Emperor Constantine.” says Elon Musk, half asleep.
Lana Del Rey giggles. She finds the whole thing hilarious now, apparently.
“I mean…so…it’s actually Emperor Constantine if it’s not Lem!??” says psychic trying to empathize with the Kennedys.
“AHH…yes.” says JFK in a sudden panic.
“Ahh…” says Lana Del Rey.
“Hold on. It’s actually Emperor Constantine?” says Eunice, in a terror.
“Yes.” says God (?).
“They do look a lot alike.” says Lacey.
“Actually…they do.” says Louis.
And that’s the problem for the Kennedys tonight. Dead and alive.
Best of My Love by The Emotions plays.
“Yes. I’ve been her lover. For years. If Lem is just a sleaze ball who’s playing a prank on Lacey…for any reason…I knew that. And so it’s actually me she’s been with. I’ve been pretending to be Lem.” says the actual Emperor Constantine.
When the Kennedys realized that Lacey wasn’t overly impressed by this fact…they went into a dire panic mode. They anti-idealized her in their heads as a cheap gold-digger. Most secular, liberal people have done that to Lacey her whole life. Very hatefully. But…turns out…she doesn’t to give a shit at all in that way.
“Yes. We have other priorities.” says Scott Fitzgerald.
Got to Be Real by Cheryl Lynn plays.
“Yes!” says Lacey. “It’s such utter rubbish. Pure bullshit.”
“Yes. They really do think that way. Passionately.” says Zelda.
“It’s not that she’s not impressed.” says Emperor Constantine. “It’s just that there a much bigger priorities in regard to love.”
Lacey nods and yawns.
“But her aesthetic is an enormous emerald?” says a reader.
“Yes! But that’s not what matters. I matter.” says Lem. “And I’m priceless.”
“Yes!!” says Lacey. “Except, is it you?”
“Yes!” says Lem.
“Then if there’s not reincarnation in the Bible I hope we’re not bothering Emperor Constantine.” says Lacey.
“No!” says Emperor Constantine.
Lana Del Rey who seemingly believes in reincarnation rocks herself back and forth in hysterical laughter. For some reason this is utterly hilarious to her.
“So she’s really sleeping with Emperor Constantine?” says Eunice Kennedy.
“Yes!!! For years!” says JFK, in sheer panic in Hell.
“Jack! Honey! Calm down!!” yells Eunice. “Jack…where’s Lem?”
“He’s here with me somewhere!” says JFK.
“Go find him and ask him what’s going on!” yells Eunice.
“I did! He’s getting foggy.” says Jack. “I started asking him pointed questions and he started fading.”
“You’ve never done that all these years?” asks an Illuminati psychic.
“No!!! We’re dead. It’s party time. Right!??” says JFK.
“As Christians?” asks the psychic.
“Yes! When you die you don’t have to worry about being Godly. Right? Well…okay. That’s not true. But…in a way that’s how I’ve always felt about it.” says JFK.
“Huh. So…you’ve never asked Lem for…any specifics about anything?” asks the Illuminati psychic.
“No. We just had sex. And fun. And stuff.” says JFK.
“But you never asked him for any details?” asks another Illuminati member.
Jack blinks. “Ahh…no. Why!?!”
“Why did you assume it was him?” asks a gay man.
“Why the Hell wouldn’t I!??” yells JFK, in irritation.
“So…you’ve told us he was straight. Why did you…do that?” asks an Illuminati psychic.
“Because that’s a lucid thought. It’s not like I have a problem! I know I’m not in Heaven.” says JFK.
“So you have…no idea he’s actually straight.” says the Illuminati.
“No. But that’s just…” Jack says, thinking. “Lacey steals him from me.”
“Jack…what if he’s really straight!?” says the Illuminati.
“You don’t understand the love he has for me.
Lem adored me. He WORSHIPED ME. Okay?
So…even if he’s straight and with Lacey…sometimes…he’s…still Lemmers. And Lemmers LOVES ME. …Always.” says JFK.
“So…you think he’s thee with you now?” asks Louis.
“Not as much as usual.” says JFK.
“Where is he!?” asks Louis.
“No. I mean…I can still see him.” says JFK.
“But he’s fading?” asks Bill Gates.
“Yeah. He’s sort of ghostly.” says JFK.
“But…why do you care about Lacey? She’s just with Constantine.” says Lana Del Rey.
“Yeah. I mean…fair point.” says JFK, after some thinking.
“Right!? Yeah!? …So…why do we care!?” says Lana Del Rey.
“Because…it’s annoying. Right?
Like…he’s here. But…I’m not as happy when I think of Lacey with Constantine.” says JFK.
“Huh. But he’s not Lem. Because there’s not reincarnation in the Bible. Right?” says Lana.
“Yeah. Right.” says JFK.
“So then why do we care?” says Lana.
“I’m going to have seduce Emperor Constantine!!!” says JFK.
Shake Your Groove Thing by Peaches & Herb plays.
“What about Lem?!” says Bill Gates.
Jack turns around and looks at Lem.
And then he looks at Emperor Constantine.
“Lem. Is…so cute. Soo cute. I love him. But…I’m staring to feel like…it’s time to move forward. Like…he’s not even being nice to anyone anymore. Including me.” says JFK.
“Really. Huh. So he’s fading that much?” asks Elon Musk.
“Yeah! It’s getting weird talking to him. He’s…starting to seem…fake.” says JFK.
“Well! We know he wasn’t. He’s just trying to be weird or something!” says Eunice.
“Yeah. But I’m going to go find Emperor Constantine now.” says JFK.
“Are you serious?!?” asks Joe Castile. Yes, a random dead man who’s named Joe Castile.
“Yes!!! Look at him! He’s hot. And we have a lot in common.” says JFK.
“Then can Lacey have Lem?” asks Emperor Constantine, smiling.
Jack acts stunned that Emperor Constantine is smiling. “No.”
“NO!?” says Emperor Constantine.
“No. She can’t have ANYTHING OR ANYONE EVER!” yells JFK.
“Why?” asks Lem.
“Because she’s a thorn in my side!!!” yells JFK.
“Why?” asks Emperor Constantine.
“Because! She’s so damn sweet. And it’s real. And all I ever wanted to do was hate women. But she’s so damn good. And dammit…I even genuinely wanted her to be my mommy. And she cared. And it makes me sick!!!” yells JFK.
“So you’re so evil that you hate her maternal instincts for you? Because it ruins your plans to be evil?” asks Emperor Constantine.
“DUH!” says JFK.
“I think that’s why lots of living people have hated her.” says Lauren Maupin.
“So…you’re pure evil.” says Emperor Constantine.
“No. I’m not smart enough to be pure evil.” says JFK. “Dammit. Are you actually Emperor Constantine?”
“Yes!” says Emperor Constantine.
“You’re in love with me. Aren’t you?” says JFK.
“No. Not at all.” says Emperor Constantine.
“Then-“ says JFK. “There’s no reincarnation?”
“Is that your scholarly opinion?” says C. S. Lewis.
“Yes.” says JFK.
“When did you ever read the Bible?” asks C. S. Lewis.
“Lots!” says JFK.
“Is there a Bible where you are?” asks C. S. Lewis.
“No. I’m too close to Hell. Or I’m actually in Hell. But I can hear Chaka Khan.” says Jack. He dances like a dolt trying to be narcissistically to I’m Every Woman. He’s desperate for attention and power through charm and the poor fool always has been?
“So…how do you know I’m not Lem?“ says Emperor Constantine.
“Because…I don’t think I lived before? Or if I did I don’t recall it right now.” says JFK.
“But…you’re not lucid.” says Bill Gates.
“I’m lucid enough!!” yells JFK.
Bored the Illuminati stops listening. And Lana Del Rey is asleep.
Mildly hurt JFK is baffled. “Did Emperor Constantine smile at me?”
“No. It’s not that way.
Jack I told Lacey not to consider reincarnation while I was alive.” says Prince Philip.
“So…he’s Lem?” says JFK.
“Jack!!! Lem is with you!” says Ed McMahon.
“Not anymore!” says JFK, suddenly breathless from dancing.
“Jack. Do you feel like a toddler around Lacey?” ask Ed McMahon.
“Yes. My whole family does. But we didn’t use to. Just after Joe left her for Pat Wilson.” says JFK.
“So…you’re sure Lem’s been with you?” asks Ed McMahon.
Jack thinks. “Yeah?”
“But what if it’s not him?” says Ed McMahon.
“That’s not possible.” says JFK.
“It is, Jack.” says Ed McMahon.
“Nope.” says JFK.
“Welp. I’m not there. Am I?” asks Emperor Constantine.
“No. Of course not.
Lem is. But I never slept with you.” says JFK to Constantine.
“Why?” asks Emperor Constantine.
“Because you were straight?” asks JFK.
“Yeah! I was. You’re right! Some men actually are.” says Emperor Constantine.
“Fuck you!! You PRICK!!” yells JFK.
“No. I’m not a prick. I’m just straight, Jack.” says Emperor Constantine.
“I’m- YOU- YOU ASSHOLE!!!” yells JFK.
“I’m not. I’m a kind man.” says Emperor Constantine.
“I’ll go fuck Lem then! You dumbasses!” says JFK, scoffing.
“Jack. He’s not there.” says Emperor Constantine.
“Yes. He’s here.” says JFK.
“Not necessarily!” says Emperor Constantine.
“Yup. Yup! He’s here.” says Jack. He then ceases to exist again. Is it temporary or permanent? It’s unclear. God loved Jack.
Go Solo by Tom Rosenthal plays.
I’m sorry. This isn’t going well.
Or is it?
It’s just sad.
“I don’t think the Kennedys understand that it’s genuinely either you or Emperor Constantine.” says Lacey.
Emperor laughs and agrees.
“Lem you are Emperor Constantine if there’s reincarnation.” says a reader.
“YES!” says Lem.
“So they don’t understand that?” asks the reader.
“It doesn’t seem like they took theology all that seriously. And now maybe they are stuck not knowing because they’re in Purgatory in a rather bad place in that regard.” says Lacey.
“So there’s reincarnation in the Bible?” asks Jonah Wiley.
“Is there!?” asks Emperor Constantine.
“Is there?” asks Jonah Wiley.
“What do you think?” asks Emperor Constantine.
“I haven’t cared.” admits Jonah.
“It’s there if you want it to be.” says Dr. Moritz.
“Not true!” says Lem.
“It’s there according to some people.” says Lacey. “I’ve heard some people claim that Jesus is Melchizedek. Possibly based on John 8:56.”
“So you’re a hermeneutics student?” says Dr. Moritz.
“No. I’m just quite sure that’s an idea debated by Bible students who aren’t all necessarily fans of Gnosticism.” says Lacey.
“Dammit!!!” says a reader. “There are so many contradictory things in the Bible.”
“No. There really aren’t. I’m sorry.” says Lacey.
“She’s right.” says Jonah Wiley.
“So…what do you make of John 8:56?” asks Emperor Constantine.
“It’s either a possible allusion…or something else…or it’s reincarnation.” says Lacey.
“Oh…my…gosh.” says a reader.
“Yup. So…if that’s reincarnation…Lacey is Scota.” says Lem. “And yes. I am Emperor Constantine. And yes. We were married. And I died in World War I. And she miscarried more than once. And….she died drunk, on a London street hit by a car. Because she didn’t want to live. Because she just wanted to be with me. And…what you’ve done with my legacy is DISGUSTING. …But the one bright spot is that I didn’t die. So I’m either stronger than her…and that’s okay because I’m a man. Or maybe she loved me more than I ever loved Jack. …She was a Scottish aristocrat and I was a very wealthy man who was English. And yes, I was related to the Spencer family of Diana Spencer. She’s like a descendant of mine. Except she’s not. She’s not a blood descendant. Right? We lost all of our children.
Or Jesus wasn’t Melchizedek. And it’s nowhere else either.” says Lem.
“So…you’re not Lem. You’re a British heir? And Emperor Constantine?” asks Eunice.
“No! I’m Lem.” says Lem.
“No. That’s impossible!!!” yells JP Kennedy to his family. And those remaining believe him.
“What if there really isn’t reincarnation in the Bible?” asks Lem.
“That’s a creepy verse.” says Emperor Constantine. “It’s not actually as neatly interpreted as one would like.
Look…I’m not going to explain. Not right now. I’m mad no one has discussed this up until now.”
“Cool.” says an Asian.
He glares at them.
China laughs. “Lem…did you glare at people in the White House for political reasons?”
“He did. Yes. It wasn’t romantic. It’s insulting to his intelligence that they assumed it would have to be for romantic reasons.” says Emperor Constantine.
“Alright.” says Lem. “Lacey and I will try to go to sleep. Eventually at least.”
“Lem…why did you glare at him?” asks a woman in Edina.
“I don’t even remember. But my guess is that it was because I felt he was presuming too much about something in relation to the views of the American people.” says Lem.
“Okay. So…it was just in relation to something I’d said to Jack recently?” asks the man.
“Yes! And I likely assumed you’d make that assumption.” says Lem.
“Why!?! You weren’t an expert! I was!” yells the man.
“I was just sitting there. Minding my own business. And you looked over at me. Why?” says Lem.
He thinks. “Because I thought you’d mind.”
“Ha! About what?” says Lem.
“About dick in his face. I guess. Right?” says the man.
“Wow! What if I didn’t notice or care?” says Lem.
“No. You sat there to watch!!” he yells.
“To monitor you all?” asks Lem.
“That’s what I always felt like!” he says. “My gosh you were possessive. You really were. …I was his friend. Not his lover. But you were paranoid.”
“Yeah. You tell ‘em!” says JFK, laughing and smiling and shaking his head no.
“No. I was bored.” says Lem. “And I had opinions. But I kept quiet most of the time.”
“Why would he have cared!? Why would he have cared what you thought!?” he says.
“He didn’t. Not really. He almost never asked for my opinion on anything. But…I had opinions. And I thought at the time that he’d likely agree with me. …I had no idea how little he actually understood at times or how much we differed in our opinions.” says Lem.
“Are you trying to be funny?” he says.
“No. I’m trying to go. Lacey and I need to go.
So…no. I’m sorry you’re hurt. Go away.” says Lem.
“I’m not hurt! I’m not. …You are!” he says.
“GO AWAY!!!” yells Lem.
“You’ll see. You’ll see. You’ll see someday, budddy!” he says.
“GO AWAY!!!” says Lem before losing patience and just cutting off his head. He doesn’t re-emerge in their presence.
Silence.
“Good night.” says Lem.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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