“Smoke” by Skippy Handelman

Shift by Grizzly Bear plays.

(Adult content below)

Lacey doesn’t think we’re real. Well…she sort of does…but not really.

“And when you cum I’ll be there.” sings Lem to JFK. His whole life. Just like in the song? No. Maybe not. But not not? How many times did you make JFK orgasm Lem?

“100.” says Lem.

“How many times did you get him to cum?” asks Skippy.

“Thousands.” says Lem.

“Did you swallow or not?” asks Skippy.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“So you’re JFK’s cum bucket.” says his dad.

“How many times have you made Lacey orgasm?” asks Skippy.

“Three?” says Lem.

“Over how many years?” asks Skippy.

“Three years.” says Lem. “Because I keep being attacked.”

“Yes!! But the numbers still matter, Lem.” says Skippy.

I Turn My Camera On by Spoon plays.

“Is that your sex sound when you slide it in?” asks Lacey of Lem.

“NO!!” yells Lem.

anemone by slenderbodies plays.

Skippy and Lacey lighten-up. Laugh.

“Never mind.” says Lacey.

“The numbers do matter though.” says Skippy.

“That was soul crushing. I felt like you were mutilating my soul in one…not thee most…but one of the most vicious ways humanly possible.” says Lacey to Lem.

“Yeah. It was like servicing an ugly, old trash businessman as a cheap prostitute in the gutter. Every time. No love. But I felt like I was…being a decent husband.” says Lem.

“Then why don’t you do that for Lacey?” asks Skippy.

“Because what we have is better.” says Lem.

“Yeah. But…you’re a complete failure as her lover. I can’t stand you.” says Skippy.

“Why?” asks God.

“Because I’m not able to.” says Lem.

“Yup!” says God. “Lem…why didn’t this all concern you more?”

“Did I destroy Western Civilization with this photo?” says JFK on the beach. He laughs with Lem.

“No. You can’t tell me that.” says Lem.

JFK blinks. He’s too stupid to care. Too stupid to understand.

Lem changes the topic like a fucking dumbass.

“Why did you say that?” asks Lacey.

“Because I knew he had.” says Lem.

Homage by Mild High Club plays.

“That’s not what that sentence means.” says Lacey, patiently.

“Oh my God!!” screams Casi. “I had no idea could understand sentences.” she says literally.

“Yeah. I willingly chose to believe that too.” says an editor at a prestigious journal who once followed Lacey and patronizingly made a complete ass of herself.

“But no. Sweetie…I actually believed that.” says Casi.

“WHAT!?” says the editor.

“Yeah. Because her aesthetic was so peasant-south.” says Casi.

“No. Casi she’s in Minnesota.” says the editor.

“Yeah. I didn’t realize that mattered.” says Casi.

“But it looks different!” says the editor.

“JACK AND KICK!!! Why did you turn Ireland into Hell for Scotia!??!?” yells Ireland.

“Because it’s cool.” they say.

“WHY!?” yells Ireland.

“Because being evil is cool!” says JFK.

“Oh my god! Yeah!” says someone in the British Royal Family.

“Most of the dumbass current Illuminati thinks that way. They’re evil mostly for narcissistic reasons. Narcissists often make that embarrassing mistake. It’s actually mildly hilarious.” says Lacey.

“Anyway…that’s not what I meant.

It’s like…I knew he was wrong for doing it. But I didn’t want to have to kill him.” says Lem.

“Why didn’t you just kill him!!?” asks Skippy.

“Because murder is wrong.” says Lem.

“Am I stupid?” asks Casi.

“You always seemed stupid to me.” says Lacey.

6 Underground by Sneaker Pimps plays.

“Why did you do that? Why did you chose to be so mean?” Casi says to Lacey. “You could have just called my bluff you asshole.”

At which point I realize that Lacey and Casi are Alex Trebek, and Sean Connery in the SNL skit in real life in a way. Of course Lacey is Sean Connery and Casi is Alex Trebek.

“Because I don’t-I don’t think I have a right to.” says Lacey. “Right. Because like in this country you have to have a right to do everything you can’t just do stuff. You have to have a right to do it.”

“So what the fuck did you actually want to say to me then?” asks Casi.

“You’re a fucking bitch. Why do you go around coming on to everybody? Are you a prostitute? There’s no way you could be that poor.” says Lacey.

“Maybe I am that poor.” says Casi.

“You don’t look that poor. What are you doing? Pulling things out of thin air?” says Lacey.

“No, no actually I just think about what I’m wearing.

I think you plan your sentences in like astrophysics time…to be really difficult and profound and thoughtful and beautiful and sad and tragic and poetic. I actually respect that but why the hell don’t you try to think about what you’re wearing?” says Casi.

Lacey thinks.

“I went into rebellion against God when I was a toddler, being molested by the father who raised me. Not rebellion against Him though hopefully in an evil way…but more to hold Him accountable for being a worthless piece of shit if He is, even though I know He’s not. I think on a subconscious level there’s some rage that you can’t entirely account for and I have profound rage. I guess I feel utterly betrayed by Him and all of humanity for the most part at this point in my life other than for my kids and maybe my legal husband.” says Lacey.

“Lacey as the voice of sanity you know that’s impossible right? Like…there’s no way God could’ve actually betrayed you?” says Casi.

“Well you know Casi…depending on who and what I am no I don’t necessarily entirely know that. I know that…but there’s a part of my soul that gets intellectually stimulated to the point where I no longer know. And it’s not-it’s not that I wanted to be rebellious against Him, it’s more that it’s what makes sense based on the knowledge base that I have cognitively. And it’s what makes sense potentially to me. Nothing else makes sense literally based on what I know…but that being said, I’m also smart enough, thank God, and well educated enough in my faith to know that that’s technically impossible, but um, that’ll be for me and God to figure out. If I was ever a deity that’s part of my rage at Him.” says Lacey.

“Oh so what does that feel like?” says Casi.

“What feels like actual righteous rage against God. Not a rejection of Him so much as like I’m in a fight with Him like he’s my friend or husband and I’m really pissed off about something.” says Lacey.

“What-what did he do?” asks Casi.

“He gave human beings a floppy free will.” says Lacey.

“But God doesn’t make mistakes Lacey.” says Casi.

“No, that’s true but that’s what it feels like and I don’t know if I can change that part of my brain which is also frustrating to me basically I just don’t understand the whole shit show human experience.” says Lacey.

“So you really think I’m gonna just tell the fucking piece of shit?” asks Casi.

“Oh yes, and yet no. I know there has to be an explanation and I can hardly wait to die someday in His time and find out what it is but right now yes I feel like He’s a fucking jack ass.” says Lacey.

Emperor Constantine dances for Jesus. Does a gay strip tease. And makes a mockery of his own soul if there’s reincarnation and God thinks it’s wise.

Becoming X by Sneaker Pimps is done perfectly by Lemmers Billings (what a stupid nickname). No. It’s never just Lemmers. The Billings is always there or it’s just a white trash dick waiting to self-indulgently die of heroin.

“That’s not rebellion!!” says Casi to Lacey.

“No. I’m not sure about that. It feels like possible rebellion. It’s up to God to interpret it.” says Lacey.

“But you think there’s a chance He can explain?” asks Casi, laughing.

“Yeah!

But…that’s the statistical chance. And the fact is…I’d say yes. Why? Because of faith. And self awareness and self knowledge I possess. Thank God. And…my calculations.” says Lacey.

“I hate you. You’re smarter than me.” says Casi.

“Where were you pretending to be going with that all?” says Lacey.

“Don’t give up.” says Casi.

“Why?” says Lacey.

“Because you should!!” says Casi.

“Ha! Fuck that!!” yells Lacey in a Scottish accent trying to express her loss patience. Sorry if she shouldn’t swear.

“Why?” asks God.

“YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE GOD!!!!” Lacey yells, ready to cut His head off.

“Please. Go on.” He begs her?

“YOU SHUT UP!!” Lacey yells at Him.

“Please go on.” He says.

“Indeed. What utter bullshit. You’re a joke?” says Lacey.

“I’m not.” says God in England in 1944.

“True.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. You’re with Skippy until Lem can find His penis.” says Satan.

“I hear that!!

But what do you think?” Lacey asks God.

“The Kennedys have destroyed the Democratic Party in the last 15 years with their Lem bullshit. Really.” says Ayn Rand.

“I think…you are being profoundly persecuted as a Christian and an actual elite intellectual. And-“ says God to Lacey.

Later.

“God decides that Skippy gets to be with Lacey.” says God.

“Until when?” asks Lacey.

“Until Lem can tell you otherwise.” says God. “He did not dance for my son.”

“What did he do? Sign autographs? And collect ‘praise reports?’” says Lacey.

“Praise reports from who?” asks God.

“Happy camper gay men who used him to find true love.” says Lacey.

“What did they say?” asks God.

“Are you actually GOD!?” yells Lacey, indignantly.

“Somewhat!” he says.

“Do you want to know?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” says God.

“They had very little hope for true love. But then they read this:

And they decided that this photo was gay:

It’s not. But they have it in their heads that only gay men can ever be sexy and coy and intelligent. And and of course Lem pretended to be gay.

So anyway…they said, “Lem changed my life. He made me believe that…our deepest feelings and thoughts matter. Our hearts matter!

Lem’s profound love for Jack was heartbreaking…because Jack is…complicated. But…Lem endured. His love was powerful. It was the kind of love that changes you. And makes you want to be human. Because LOVE catches you!’” says Lacey.

God laughs. “Why can’t you love a man that way?”

“Because it’s stupid as fuck.” says Lacey. “Sorry for swearing.”

“Why?” asks God.

“Because I exist too.” says Lacey.

Circles by Alfie Templeman plays.

“You’re right.” says God.

She glares at God.

“Lem knew that too. Every human does. That’s basic human psychology.” says God. “But gay men almost always feel they’re beyond and above reality.”

“Why is that MY PROBLEM?” says Lacey.

“I’m working it out.” says God.

“Are they too stupid to live?” asks Lacey.

“No.” says God, carefully.

“Well…Lem enjoy your dumbass fan club. I’ll see you someday?” says Lacey.

“I just made you more angry at me.” says Satan in imitation of God to Lacey.

“Well this was a stupid fucking day so far. I’m questioning our entire fucking existence, but not at the same time.” says Lacey.

“How is it not obvious how grossly stupid this man is?” says Lacey.

“What a fucking literal retard in the truest sense.” says Lacey. “Why didn’t you let him be silent for a few centuries?” Lacey asks God. “He’s WORTHLESS. Poor thing. He shouldn’t have possibly been born.”

“It’s the peasant Irish genes.” says Ayn Rand.

“Does Saoirse still have to be Irish?” asks Lacey.

“No!” says Ayn Rand.

“Thank goodness. Poor dear. What a crap family to be born into.” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says Ayn Rand.

“Darn it. That’s too bad. The Irish aren’t all that bad. Right? I feel like one or two were worth a damn?” says Lacey.

Ayn thinks. “Yes. …A number.”

“Oh goody. I didn’t want to have to bring a blood bath to Ireland. And I promise I would have done that. I wish Ireland had never existed. But…they use such pretty colors. And you have to give them enormous points for that. Really. It’s amazing what colors they use. All of them. It’s not just Jack Kennedy. They all use them. They’re all…so artistic. And I adore that. But…what utter shit at the end of the day. And yet not.” says Lacey.

“No. There’s a number.” says Ayn Rand.

“Are they okay?” asks Lacey.

“I’m working on it!” says God.

“Goody! I hate seeing a good idea go to waste due to too many flaws and nonstarters.” says Lacey.

“Okay. That was fun. She’s mine now for eternity Lem! Until you can say otherwise.” says Skippy Handelman, a fictional character mad a man’s

“Thanks for ruining my eternity with all that orgasmic cum in you.” says Lacey to Lem.

Later.

“Lacey and I belong to each other for eternity. Well, she belongs to me. But I don’t want anyone else.” says Lem.

anemone by slenderbodies plays.

“Why did you leave?” Lacey asks Skippy.

“I laid there next to you just thinking and avoiding sleeping together…because it’s Lem’s birthday…and I just decided that I did nothing to make you feel bad but you did.” says Skippy.

Lacey rolls her eyes way back into her head.

“It’s…not quite like all that.” says Lacey.

“I agree!” says Lem.

“Look. I think I know what happened.

I’m old. I’m an old person. And you heard it in my voice for the first time today and it totally creeped you out. And it made you repulsed by me.

And then you thought of your shallow, jealous girlfriend who’s blond and 3/4 as beautiful as me…and you felt…compelled to escape. And I don’t blame you. No. I’m human too.

But…it was heartless, immature and asinine the way you handled it. I hope you repent.” says Lacey.

His eyes get big.

“It’s okay. Just go away, Skippy.” says Lem.

“Hopefully you meant well in some way I just can’t fathom.” says Lacey.

“You’re not shallow.” he says.

“That’s a very rudimentary observation.” says Lacey. “Don’t bite me. I’m beginning to think all humans under the age of 80 and over 20 are rabid dogs? Even as fictional characters. Well no….that’s not quite right. But you were…vile.”

“You actually deserve to say that. I heard you crying. It was…one of the most horrific experiences of my existence.” says Skippy.

“There’s a lot more of that. That’s a glass. And I likely have a pond or lake.” says Lacey.

“Okay!” he says.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

He smiles. “Yeah.”

“Good. Do be happy. Just stop….playing cruel games.” says Lacey.

anemone by slenderbodies plays.

“I’m Skippy.” says Lem.

“You’re not Jewish.” says Lacey. “Can you make yourself Jewish?”

“For a few minutes.” says Lem.

“You look similar.” says Lacey.

“Do I?” he says.

“Yes.

What is up with your friend Skippy?” says Lacey.

“He’s fine. He’s just…really….moody.” says Lem.

“What is moody?” says Lacey.

“Moody? It’s…” he says. “It’s dark.”

“I’m dark but I’m not moody.” says Lacey.

“No. You don’t have any moods.” he says.

“I don’t.” says Lacey. “Do you?”

“Yeah…why are we talking about this?” he says.

“Do you think I’m trying to steal your pot of gilded gold?” says Lacey.

He smiles. Thinks. “No.”

“You’re accusing me of coming on to you.” says Lacey.

He laughs. “Yeah.”

“I’m not.” says Lacey. “And yet I’m not not.”

“Okay.” he says. “I’m just nervous is all.”

“Why?” says Lacey.

“I’m tired.” he says. “Wanna fuck?”

Lacey smiles.

“Are we in love? For real.” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” he says.

“Mmm. I’m exhausted.” says Lacey, thoughtfully.