Stravinsky’s “The Firebird Suite: Introduction” plays.
Hi. I’m Jack Kennedy.
You know me from the U.S. Presidency. I won in 1960 after my father bought the election using mob intimidation. We couldn’t have won otherwise. It was too close because people were suspicious of me and my family. So we spent a lot of money on it and made a lot of promises.
We Are The World by U. S. A. for Africa plays.
We are Africa.
We are Irish.
We are a nation of immigrants.
Barack Obama was my Jesus. *Jack Kennedy laughs at Lacey* I’m Melchizedek you guys! *He laughs at Lacey*
No. Let’s be nice.
They try.
They do. The evil in this world tries to keep us down. But as we listen to the tunes of hope…and joy…as sung by U. S. A. for Africa…let’s have courage to be good. Let’s have the courage to be better.
Ha! But in the meantime let’s check out my profile. Right!?
I have a sexy profile. So do you.
And it takes courage on my part to admit that. I’m not sorry to say that Lem is my concubine.
Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey plays.
I’d have never married him if he was a woman. And if I did he’d have had to share me with lots of other people.
Why?
Because as hot as he was…baby…he’s not me.
I look in charge. Because I was in charge.
I was his boss. *Jack chuckles* I was his…manager. He worked for my team.
And why? Why would that make a man like him happy?
(Adult content below)
A Roman Emperor can get…PROFOUNDLY HIGH…on my cock. In his mouth.
*Jack dances on stage behind the podium. He appears drunk.*
Africa by Toto plays.
*Jack raises his hands in the air and dances*
Men like him understand. Hurry boy. It’s waiting there for you. *He says singing to Toto as a serious commentary about his penis to Lem.*
I wasn’t allowed to fuck you in the ass while we were alive Lem. But now…we can. My penis is a woman Lem. *he says very drunk* She’s blessing you. With rain…for Africa. *He laughs*
Closer by Nine Inch Nails plays.
No. See. My penis can be female. Anything can be. Gender doesn’t exist.
“Jack! Didn’t Lem shoot you because you beat him up to have anal sex?” asks Canada.
Technically. Or he may have. He hated anal sex.
*Jack dances. The podium looks similar to one Marilyn Monroe danced in front of. Jack loses himself dancing to Nine Inch Nails. Head bangs (badly).*
“Jack why do you think he’d want anal sex now?” asks a feminist.
*Jack looks annoyed.*
*Jack looks like he’d roll his eyes if he wasn’t so annoyed.*
Because he’s mine. He can only be happy when he’s with me. I OWN HIM. But really…he’s just fortunate to have met me. I’m his…Jesus. I’m his…salvation. I’m like his…wife…but a million times better. And so who cares what happens between them sexually what I can do…is what matters. Because I AM innately God. I bring all happiness and joy in the world. And if you worship me I make your dreams come true.
“Jack are you being serious?” asks a reader.
Huh!?!? *yells Jack*
“Jack who gave you the meth, liquor and the microphone?” asks a CIA agent.
*Jack laughs. He bends over laughing*
Barbie Girl by Aqua plays. *Jack does a running man impression*
“Where are you running to?” asks a reader.
Huh!?
“Where are you running to!?” asks a reader.
*Jack keeps dancing, ignoring them accidentally or intentionally.*
“Jack. Where are running??” asks a reader.
Running? *he shrugs*
“You’re running!” says a reader.
*He ignores them and keeps dancing*
“Jack…why did you have to beat up Lem if he wanted you?” asks a reader.
I needed it to happen. I couldn’t take months to arouse him.
“So you think if he aroused you…he must have been aroused?” asks a reader.
Sort of. Mostly…it’s just…*he shrugs*
“It’s what Jack?” asks a reader.
*Jack is too busy dancing and snorting cocaine to feel higher*
Is HEAVEN.
“Jack that doesn’t answer the question.” says Iran.
*Jack jumps up and down giggling*
“Jack…how was Lem Heaven?” asks Iran.
He was Lacey’s first. But I became the Holy Grail. So…see… *He grabs his left foot and hops, breathing very quickly*
*He thinks*
He’s mine now. *He switches feet and hops on the other leg.*
“But how logistically…does he become your Heaven?” asks Iran.
*Jack glares at Iran waiting for gay men to come to his rescue.*
“Jack. Answer!!” says Iran.
Umm. *he shrugs* I guess…it’s my right as man.
“To do what??” asks Iran.
To have whoever I want.
“Over a woman. Huh. And then we all die off?” says Iran.
You could farm women out. *says Jack seriously, and casually. He shrugs.*
“What if we don’t?” asks Iran.
Then it’s the end of sadness? I hate women. I HATE them. *he hops on one foot*
“Would you ever become one?” asks Israel.
No!!! Oh my god no. Eww!
“Not even for Lem?” ask Americans utterly convinced again that Jack reincarnated as Lacey.
No. I hate Lacey. I hate women. I’m not a woman. I’m a me. Before this I existed. Duh! Read.
“Maybe you’ll exist again someday.” says Lacey.
Yeah. I will. But…I’m still Jack. In a way.
“Jack…why…did you think Lem was interested?” asks a living lesbian.
Why?
“Because that matters.” says a living lesbian.
He didn’t come on to me. I came on to him. My father forced us to lie about it. And he destroyed the other evidence. He did the same thing with Joe. Joe had a gay roommate too. At Harvard. Our father handled our homosexuality that way. He just helped us sleep with our male roommates. And sent us to the best schools so we could use them to get ahead. So we’d devour them like monsters from Hell…and then control their souls and minds to be…happy. We had to threaten Lem repeatedly to get him to obey me. And threaten his whole family.
“But why did you think he’d want you?” asks a feminist.
*Jack looks confused*
“Jack. He’s supposed to want you too.” says the feminist.
Why!?
“Because that’s how it works.” says the living feminist.
*Jack looks confused. He pauses from dancing.*
You sound like Lacey and God.
“Huh.
So is that why you don’t exist right now?” asks the living feminist.
Huh?
Take Me to Church by Hozier plays as a giant wave comes and swallows America up whole. This song is a holy as Church gets in America en masse? America is a Hell hole? With a few truths and good ideas?
“Take me to church!” sings Lacey over a drowned America. Kids died quickly. Last Rites read.
“Death to America.” says Iran, gloomily.
“I just couldn’t handle the circular nature of that narcissistic-holy conversation between Jack and the bitch-ass women.” says Lacey to Iran.
“I hear you.” says Iran. They laugh.
“They know he’s a lying, worthless piece of shit by choice. But they need him.” says Lacey to Iran.
They think.
“Man. Why did you betray us?” the Middle East asks Israel. “You know you’re à Dispensationalist conception? Or what? An attack on us? You don’t think that always offended us? We don’t worship God. …We worship Allah and that’s our land. You’re so dishonest and arbitrary.”
“Like I give a shit. Right?
I mean…I understand.
But…we’re mice. Right? And we have a hold here. It’s our home. And we took it over.
It’s not actually personal. It’s just that…we don’t and didn’t give a shit anymore.” says Israel.
“So you don’t even care if it’s wrong?” asks Iran.
“No.” says Israel.
Iran laughs.
“Oh no. No. You cannot be serious!” says Iran.
“What!?” says Israel.
“You’re supposed to have felt it was your land. For some deep reason.” says Iran.
“Oh. Like Jews?” asks Israel.
“YES!!!” yells Iran.
“See…we never left the hood. What’s up with y’all?” says the UAE to Israel.
Take Me to Church by Hozier plays over a wholly dead US. Maybe this the US secret national anthem post JFK. (Lacey is writing this now)
Weird how that looks like a mask. A Covid mask.
How many self-righteous gay men have sang this song thinking it’s about gay sex (which they believe is far more profound than anything) being superior and the most holy form of martyrdom?
“Come on. We do think that. And it’s weird.” says a living gay man.
“We’ve forced them to not hold us accountable for that belief?” says another living gay man.
“YES!!! You fucking twat!! YES!” yells another living gay man.
People think.
“Who got Jack drunk?” asks Russia.
“I did.” says Adolf Hitler.
“Got it.” says Iran.
“So you aren’t Jews?” asks the UAE of Israel.
“No. We are.” says Israel.
“Then why are you here?” asks Iran.
“Umm…America?” says Israel.
“How?” asks Iran.
“They told us to chill out here. And so we started up our country.” says Israel.
“Yeah. So they just dropped you off here. That’s right.” says Iran.
“No. They did.” says Syria.
“So. We’re just making it work. You know?” says Israel.
“You cannot be serious?” says Jordan.
“No. That’s our logic.” says Israel.
“Did they understand what it meant to us or not?” Iran asks Lacey.
Flow by Crooked Colours plays.
“I’d doubt it.” says Lacey. “Let me think.”
She thinks.
“Or they did. And you’re supposed to keep America in check. Actually maybe the whole world in check. Because they knew they were dying off.
World War I and II were bloody for Great Britain. Too bloody.
And maybe that’s all it is.
Or maybe they knew they could do it and they were too tired to fully understand it.” says Lacey.
“And America gave them the idea?” says Iran.
“Possibly.” says Lacey.
“Are you all ever leaving?” asks Iran of Israel.
Israel thinks. “I doubt it.” says Israel.
“We don’t like that!” yells Iraq.
“We don’t care!” says Israel.
“Why?” says Iran.
“Because! We love Israel. We’re living here now. And it’s difficult to leave. And look…where would we even go? …Also, we’re terrified about the Holocaust. We don’t want it to happen again.” says Israel.
“Yeah. Okay.
But you have to understand I think you’re immoral.
And besides that…when I threaten to annihilate you…it’s different than Nazi Germany.” says Iran.
“We are too traumatized from the Holocaust to think this through.” says Israel.
“I know. You sound psychotic.” says Iran.
“We will survive!!” yells Israel.
“Hey. Yeah.” says Jordan.
“Umm…but that was our land.” says Iran.
“Where do you want us to go!? Drowning in a Nazi swimming pool?” says Israel.
“No. Where do you want us to go!?” yells Palestine.
“OUT OF OUR WAY!!!” yells Israel.
What Is Love by Haddaway plays.
“Where are we going?” asks Palestine, politely.
“WHAT!?” yells Israel, like it’s deaf.
“You’re stepping on my feet.” says Palestine, politely.
Israel drools like it has mental challenges and can’t cognitively understand.
“You’re killing me.” says Palestine, again too politely. “You dawont EXIST!” yells Israel, drooling and yet trying very hard to sound very scary.
And at that Palestine rips a chunk of hair out of Israel’s head. Israel bleeds, but doesn’t notice at first.
At dinner Israel notices.
Warning by The Notorious B. I. G. plays.
“This is to remind Israel and Palestine that Lacey and I are both persona non grata in the US.” says a living Black man.
And at that Israel takes out a spiritual nuclear bomb and so does Palestine. They blow each other up and then start strangling each other. It’s been that way the whole time.
Every once and a while they back off and say, “Hey!” to each other. And catch their breaths.
But then Israel runs over Palestine’s feet with a car and Palestinians start shooting Israel in the heart and head in response. And then Israel tries to “retaliate.”
“So who dropped you off here again? Was it England or America?” says Iran.
“The Allies.” says Israel.
“Yeah.” says Iran.
“We can’t leave. I’m sorry.” says Israel.
“You’re OBNOXIOUS!!” yells Iran.
“We can’t leave. I’m sorry.” says Israel.
“You’re HURTING US!!!” yells Iran.
“We can’t leave.” says Israel.
“I’m going to go talk to Tsar Putin. And I know he’ll tell me they might have shot-up his family. …And I’m willing to consider that analogy. But…he needs to help us. Because y’all obnoxious. And y’all tiring me out. No offense.” says Iran.
“None taken.” says Israel.
Iran leaves to go talk with Putin.
“I’m going to be there. He needs backup.” says North Korea.
“Fine! Then I want China there.” says Iran. “And Malaysia.” says Iran.
“Then I’m there too!” says Germany.
“I’d like to be there too.” says King Charles III.
“Me too!” says Prince William.
Meanwhile.
“I don’t know what to do.” says US President Joe Biden.
“What’s that Joe?” asks his nurse.
“Why- Why…do we… Why do we need to be mad at Israel?” says Joe Biden.
“Are we mad at Israel?” asks his nurse.
“I’m not!!” yells Joe Biden.
“Are you mad at Iran?” asks his nurse.
“No!” says Joe. He throws his hands up in the air in an old white man pout.
Joe Biden is Boomer.
Time Is My Side as performed by The Rolling Stones plays because it’s creepy.
“Do we have to cease to exist?” Israel asks Lacey.
“No. You can’t anyway. It’s very likely impossible.” says Lacey.
“What if we all died in a nuclear war?” asks Israel.
“Then it’s a semantic argument. Because I’m pretty sure we’d still exist.” says Lacey. “All humans.”
“Unless if God made us cease to exist.” says Israel.
“Yes. But I highly doubt that’s what He wants.” says Lacey.
“I mean…do we have to cease to exist as country?” asks Israel.
“Hold on.” says Lacey.
Lacey returns.
“Sorry. I had a phone call to make.” says Lacey. “Oh dear. I’ll be right back. I’m sorry. Hold on.”
She returns.
“That’s a stupid question.” says Lacey.
“Why!?” yells Israel.
“Oh my!” says Iran.
“You plan to annihilate your own country?” says Lacey. “Or what?”
“Do I need to help you all!?” yells Iran at Israel.
“No. Let them have their cool-kid club.” says Lacey.
“We almost want to cease to exist, based on your ass!” says Israel to Lacey.
“Why?” asks Malaysia.
“She’s Jack!!!” yells Israel.
“No. That’s totally impossible.” says reality.
“No. I mean through reincarnation.” says Israel.
“No. I know. That’s totally impossible!” says reality.
“What!? That’s not possible.” says Israel.
“No.” says reality.
“Oh. So you’re confused?” Israel says to reality.
Reality looks confused.
“What!? What’s so confusing?” says Israel.
“You’re evil or psychotic.” says reality.
“No!! I’m not.” says Israel. “No. I’m not.”
“Israel you know…Lacey isn’t JFK. Who made you say that?” says reality.
“Isn’t it possible?” asks Israel.
“No. I just told you no.” says reality.
“Yup. It’s not going well.” says Trump.
(Don’t Fear) The Reaper by Blue Öyster Cult plays.
“More cowbell!” says Will Farrell.
“You farming tramp!” yells Israel at Lacey. “You blind blond sheister.”
“Oops. If I am the Antichrist, this is a fulfillment of Biblical prophecy where it seems like I’ve got a really good idea of how to solve the problem in the Middle East and then turns out it doesn’t work out real well for Israel.” says Jeff Bezos.
“What is your idea?” asks Israel.
“To send in Scotia.” says Jeff.
“She’s not Scotia! You lying dog!!” yells the DNC.
“How do you know that!?” yells Japan.
“It’s impossible.” says the DNC.
With A Little Help From My Friends by Joe Cocker plays for Skippy Handelman.
“No. Unless reincarnation is impossible it’s not impossible.” says Skippy Handelman. “Actually if I am Joseph of Egypt reincarnated…I can almost guarantee you she’s Scotia.”
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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