“Attraction” by Lem Billings

(Late on April 29th, 2024)

Lacey.

Let’s talk.

What…saddens me is that you don’t know how I feel. At least not really. Maybe slightly. But it’s so cloudy. Compared to how you’d have experienced it.

And I don’t know how to deal with it without Skippy.

Let’s put you in an episode of Family Ties. But I’m the writer.

So you…get into a conversation with Alex and Skippy.

Skippy: I don’t know what to do, Alex.

Alex: I think I can help.

Skippy: I have a crush on…a girl.

Lacey: How old is she?

Skippy: She’s about our age.

Lacey: Oh! What does she look like?

Skippy: Well…she looks a lot like you.

Lacey: Oh! Do I know her?

Skippy: Yeah!

Alex: Has she..heard anything about it yet?

Skippy: *shrugs*

Lacey: Look…it’s easy. I’ll talk to her.

Skippy: She’s…you.

Lacey: Oh. Why do you need to be so concerned?

Skippy: So…you’d go on a date?!? With me!?

Lacey: Yes. You meet my requirements.

“I didn’t think you’d have requirements!” says a guy she knew in high school.

“Everyone has requirements.” says Lacey.

“Weren’t you dating a few huge losers?” he asks.

“No! I never dated anyone.” says Lacey.

“No! You had girlfriends and boyfriends!” he says.

“NO!! I never dated anyone.” says Lacey.

“Then what did you do!?” he asks.

“What do you mean!?” asks Lacey.

“Your life sucked.” he says. “You can’t have been having that much fun. If you weren’t dating those people.”

“So what do you mean?” asks Lacey.

“For fun!?” he asks.

“I watched documentaries. Alone.

Late at night. With the lights off.

And I danced. Alone.

And I…just…hung out with female friends.” says Lacey.

He smirks. “And did what!?”

“Went for walks. Talked. Watched movies. Drank coffee. Talked.” says Lacey.

“And those aren’t dates?” he says.

“No! Not to me. But I doubt it was to them either.” she says.

“What did you talk about?” he asks.

“The boys we had crushes on. Umm…teachers. God. Politics. The future. Lots of things.” says Lacey.

“So deep stuff.” he says.

“Yes. Whatever.” says Lacey.

“And you studied together?” he asks.

“Yes. Although not well. Well…not well for me. They could. I would get so distracted. And bored.” says Lacey. “I study best on my own.”

“So you…just sat around and talked for fun?” he says.

“Yes. Or drank coffee.” says Lacey.

“That’s so boring.” he says.

“That’s what we did. But with heroin.” says Lem. “But…I was letting people die. And…I was…traumatized. I really didn’t have a normal adolescence. Jack ruined it. My trauma ruined it. So…in my 50’s and 60’s I had a weird teenage-like experience. And I was in control and the adult but…I didn’t know how much my brain was processing something about life too. And then by 64 or so I realized I was heterosexual.”

“So…your life never got interesting.” he says to Lacey.

“It’s been wild.

Really weird.

But…no. Not…fun in that way. Very dramatic. But not…nice in that way.” says Lacey.

“There was no Skippy Handelman in our high school.” says a guy from Lacey’s high school.

“I’d bet he doesn’t even exist in our generation.” says Lacey.

“Shit! You might be right.

You had a crush on a few guys.” he says. “And none of them were interested. That’s sad.”

“Yeah.

The German exchange student liked me.” says Lacey. “But…he was an exception.”

“Did- Were there any teachers who did?” he says.

“The German exchange student? He was good-looking. And cool. And you didn’t date him?” asks a girl.

“No. He wasn’t a Christian. And I was very adamant about that.” says Lacey.

“Which teachers?” he asks.

“I won’t give names.

“Five?” says Lacey. “Or more.”

“Did any of them come on to you?” he asks.

“Maybe.

One of them used to stare at me. When I wasn’t looking, but I’d notice.

And another one…stuck his hands inside my sweatshirt.” says Lacey.

“Where!??” asks a woman.

“Inside my sweatshirt pouch.” says Lacey.

“Oh.

Was there anyone else in the room!?” she asks.

“No.” says Lacey.

“Fuck!!” yells the guy.

“What else?” asks a woman.

“One teacher was excited when I turned 18. He said, ‘You’re 18 going on 30!’ And…another teacher…when I was alone with him said, ‘The other students aren’t as smart as you.’ in this sort of…odd way. Like he was flirting and complimenting me but also admonishing me. And I couldn’t figure out what he meant. I still don’t know. I gave up. But I think he was attracted to me.” says Lacey.

“Did you find any of them attractive?” asks the guy.

“The youngest one. Yes. But…I wasn’t evil.” says Lacey.

“Did he know!?” asks the guy.

“No? I doubt it.” says Lacey.

Skippy: When do we go out?

Lacey: I have no idea.

Skippy: How about tonight?

Lacey: Well…alright.

“I just can’t imagine him asking me!” says Lacey.

“Because you’re not like them.” says Lem.

“No. I’m not like Mallory or his other crushes.” says Lacey.

“What’s the difference?” asks Lem.

“I don’t even know.” says Lacey.

“We’re pretty sure two of the hottest teachers who tons of girls had a crush on were the ones who had a crush on you, Lacey.” says one of the guys from her school.

“Possibly!” says Lacey.

“Was the one who stuck his hands in your sweatshirt attractive?” asks the guy.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

Skippy: Why are you single?

Lacey: I don’t know.

Skippy: Think of something terrible about you.

Lacey: Actually terrible?

Skippy: Yes.

Lacey: My acne?

Skippy: Your acne isn’t that bad. But okay. That’s one flaw. You’ll grow-out of that though.

What else?

Lacey: My small boobs.

Skippy: They’re not that small.

Ahh. What else?

Lacey: My hair is too thin?

Skippy: No. You have nice hair, actually.

Lacey: No ones ever told me that. Thank you.

What is it?

Skippy: You’re too…good.

Lacey: Oh.

Skippy: Yeah. You’re a really decent person. And you…take everything really seriously. It’s not a flaw so much as…why.

Lacey: Why is that why?

Skippy: Because…you’re very smart. And…you just care. More than most people. About everything. And…I think most people are just doing whatever feels natural. You know? But you’re just being…good.

Lacey: You can’t just do whatever comes to you.

Skippy: I know.

Lacey: You can’t.

Alex: What would you do if could do anything?

Lacey: I have lots of ideas.

Skippy: Alex. Maybe we shouldn’t ask.

Alex: No.

What would you do?

Lacey: I’d kiss Skippy. Actually, I’d make out passionately with Skippy. And then I’d kiss you. For a second before getting distracted by that counter. Because then I’d have an urge to go sit on that countertop. Then I’d have to find a way to dangle from the ceiling. Then I’d have to blow everything up. Out of absolute disappointment…but also curiousity.

Then I’d have to reconstruct it all.

Skippy: You’d kiss both of us?

Lacey: Not after that comment. I like you more.

Skippy: That makes sense.

Alex: What’s so fascinating about that countertop?

Lacey: It’s…obstructive.

“Who else has found you attractive?” asks the guy from high school.

“Other teachers. Customers at the coffee shop I worked at. Elected officials. Doctors.” says Lacey.

“But no one in places where you’d expect it?” he says.

“No! Never. Not at church. Or in classes together. …Almost always someone who everyone has a crush on. Or who’s powerful. Or who’s older. That sort of thing.” says Lacey.

“Or who’s foreign.” says Dr. Moritz.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

Skippy: Margy married a Swede. And possibly your father, in a way.

“Lacey…lots of Greatest Generation men would have been attracted to you and asked you out. You’ve had a very bizarre experience.” says Lem.

“Even if she’s Margy’s daughter?” asks Skippy.

“Yes! Margy was already old in a way too.” says Lem. “So…let’s call it a night.

Lacey…whatever happened with Jack…no matter what anyone says, it’s over. And I’m saying that whether anything even happened at all. Because I’m saying it did but I was straight. Anyway, it’s over, regardless. And I can’t love anyone the way I love you. It wouldn’t even matter if I was gay. Because someone pointed out today that you’ve not heard from any other ghost who can claim to be me. And that’s true. You can’t. And they haven’t. For over three years. And we’ve been sleeping together. So…you’d think that if I’m not Lem…he’d of said something by now. But you’ve not heard from him. Because I’m him. And…I’m obviously not gay now.

But…I actually wasn’t. I was straight.

I’m sorry. I messed-up. I just don’t think I…knew how bad it was to help him that much.” says Lem. “I did it out of duty and I called it love. I thought that was the only love I’d ever have. To me love was…having a few laughs. Being sexual. And then being committed. And staying with that person. No matter what. At least to some degree. …It’d be like if you got into a similar situation with one of your old friends. Look if anything happened it was him. The popular myth is that it was me. But it was actually him.

But again…I’m saying….it doesn’t matter. If I’m not gay now…there’s something amiss. I either wasn’t then either or it wasn’t right for me to be. And I’m not interested in anyone but you forever. So…if you’d been there Jack would have been toast.” says Lem. “Anyway…let’s go.”