“Lacey Explains” by Lem Billings

(May 25th, 2024 – the evening)

“I really wasn’t gay. I was heterosexual.” says Lem. “Look…there’s no way I was able to get over Jack for those wedding photos. And there’s no way I could have gotten that over him and then been devastated. How do you buffoons not get that!?!” yells Lem. “I was OBVIOUSLY STRAIGHT!!!”

“Yeah okay whatever. That’s true. They don’t get it.

There’s lots of evidence to suggest a homosexual physical relationship between you and Jack. And…you might have been anyway. Straight. …I actually don’t think you enjoyed the homosexuality. Physical or otherwise. …It was boring or icky but you didn’t know better.

But…they can’t fathom that they don’t instantly understand. I can. I believe you’re a ghost. …A real one! But I’m Indian.

Listen…ignore them! PLEASE!

Let’s move on.

What- Why am I supposed to be impressed by this photo!??

That’s a big fireplace. Fine! And a huge backyard. That’s all their property?” he asks.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“So it’s as huge as it seems.” he says.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“Is that the inside of this house?” asks the man.

“Yes! That’s the fireplace.” says Lem.

“Oh on the second floor.” says the man.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“That’s not that big of a house!” he says.

“On 50 acres?” says the CIA.

“Yeah. It’s nice. They can’t handle it.” says a reader. She rolls her eyes.

“How big is that house?” asks a reader.

“It’s about 9,000 sq ft?” says Lacey.

“Yeah okay. It’s bigger than I thought.” he says.

“How big did you think it was?” says the CIA.

“We cannot be serious!” says Monika.

“No. THEY ARE, Monika. THEY ARE.” says the CIA.

She laughs. “No! They’re teasing her!”

“No. They’re NOT.” says the CIA.

“Umm…no more than 3,000 square feet.” he says.

“That’s big. But it’s not as big as their house.” says the CIA.

“It might be 15,000 sq. ft.” says a reader. “It’s HUGE.”

“Lacey. How can you possibly be so…weird??” says Casi. “I DO NOT…GET IT.”

“Get what!?” asks Lacey.

“So…you’re madly in love with Lem. And you’ve explained his sexuality. He’s…- You know he’s hot in a way. He’s caring and sensitive and he’s very manly. And tall. And I have a feeling you just love him. Him. Just him. That’s cool. I get it…

To be honest…a part of me wishes he’d been bisexual just to prove that he mattered too. I’m not saying I’m not evil…but I do understand right from wrong. And…he probably deserves someone who’s into him. And if he can find you that attractive…and he loves you more than Jack…I kinda love that ending for him. That he’s loved. Openly. …I’d love that. And I think you did too. I’m sorry it’s been so bad!

But…see that’s a big ass house.” says Casi. “Big.

Why…don’t you get that!?? EVER!?”

“It’s not this:

Or this:

And it’s not far removed. But…it’s very discreet. And I love that. But…because it’s so discreet I don’t feel the need to deal with it.” says Lacey. “And I don’t want to for reasons my brain won’t let me process on my own.”

“You know…Lem’s energy is straight. His body always reads as straight too if you look and analyze long enough.” says a psychic. “Right?”

“Yes!” says Lacey, hesitantly.

“Lacey are you obsessed with getting everything right?” asks the psychic.

“YES.” says Lacey.

“So…yeah.

You do read Lem as straight. Every time. Right?” she says.

“Yes.” says Lacey, anxiously.

“So…yeah. I do too.” she says.

Lacey is quiet.

“Yeah. I DO TOO!” she repeats.

Lacey raises her eyebrows.

“LACEY! THAT MEANS SOMETHING.” she says.

“Yes. It might.” says Lacey.

“So…I think he was straight. And faking being gay.” says the psychic.

“Well I think it’s possible.” says Lacey.

“Right. And yet you think it’s extremely likely he was straight. Why do you need our permission?” she says.

“I don’t.” says Lacey.

“Lacey we’re impressed by your family. They are old money.” she says.

“Yes.” says Lacey. “They are.”

“No!! Lacey. We’re IMPRESSED.” says a Native American woman.

“No! …You’re not!“ says Lacey.

“What if we’re lying?” she says.

“NO! You seriously thought I was TELLING YOU WHAT I BELIEVED!?” says Casi.

“Yes!!” says Lacey.

“So you think we’re DUMB.” says the Native American woman.

“You might be.” says Lacey.

“Holy crap you’re a moron!” yells Casi, anxiously.

“No. I’m not.” says Lacey, calmly like the voice of reason.

“I’m not being serious!” says Casi.

“Mmm. No. A part of you thinks that.” says Lacey, thoughtfully. “And you’re wrong.” she says therapeutically.

“Just an FYI Lacey’s being completely heartfelt and serious right now and as a British woman I can hear it this isn’t a farce she’s being herself she’s really that British. I’m sorry if that’s weird to you people. So you’ll just have to deal with the reality of the fact that that’s actually who she is. That’s who she is and that’s the problem with the Internet.

When you talk to people in the privacy of their own home you get to find out some really scary stuff like that they’re really hateful behind closed doors. This is another angle of why it’s creepy. I’m not trying to vilify the Internet but frankly this is who she is. It’s scary to you not to us, for some reason.

She modifies herself to be acceptable and open in public to seem more American. That’s not who she is in private so when you talk to her on Instagram, you’re meeting who she actually is when she’s in her comfort zone and she’s being honest behind closed safe doors where she’s not gonna have you lashing out at her. Trying to kill her so back your truck up. No, this is who she actually is. I’m sorry if that scares you American imbeciles because you think, ‘Oh holy crap. What if there’s really reincarnation!?’ Get over it! Because that’s her actual psychology, this isn’t fake and continually telling her that she’s fake is weird. And that doesn’t even help anything.” says a British woman.

“Is it a class thing too?” says Casi.

“Speaking from the other side as her first cousin, who’s in that picture yeah it is, I find you deplorable. I would’ve thought I could relate to you and I can’t.” says her first cousin.

“It isn’t that big of a house! No, it’s not a castle, but it’s a very large house.” says Casi.

“Yes exactly and I don’t understand why you were so dumb about it!” says Lacey.

“How was I dumb about it?” says Casi.

“You competed with me. You have nothing to compete with. I was baffled.” says Lacey.

“You’re right.” says Casi.

“So what in Hell dance were we doing!??!?!” says Lacey.

“I was somewhat attracted to you.” says Casi.

“But…what does that have to do with competition!??” says Lacey.

“You can’t understand because you’re not attracted to women.” says Casi.

Lacey looks confused and fascinated.

“What response other than insecurity were you expecting from me?” says Lacey.

“MUTUAL ATTRACTION!” yells Casi.

Later.

“Oh. So it’s like…you’re trying to ‘put me in my place.’” says Lacey.

“Yeah.” says Casi.

“You know I thought of that. But…it might have seemed off. Huh. …I think I reasoned you were too straight for that.” says Lacey. “And I’m straight.”

“Oops.” says Casi. “So you always just thought I was being a huge bitch.”

“I thought you were pissy.” says Lacey. “Like always in a ‘pissy mood.’”

Casi looks at her oddly. Thinks.

“So you’re wrong.” says Casi. “I’m NOT.”

“I still doubt it. I’m sorry.” says Lacey. “No offense if I’m wrong.”

“So you think we’re dumb?” says a perfume collector.

“That’s impression you left.” says Lacey.

“How could we not get it!??” says a reader.

“That man in India didn’t!” says Lacey.

“She’s right. I didn’t.” he admits. “I think you all are LYING!”

“I wonder too.” says Lacey.

The Indian nods in agreement. “They’re embarrassed!”

“Yeah.

Look…I’m curious to know why you all got confused.” says Lacey.

“I tell you why! …Because as real as you seem…there are so many liars…we are accustomed to believing it’s a lie.” he says.

“But you can’t tell it’s real!?” says Lem. “Just like you can’t tell I’m straight? And was?”

“Lem! I’m gonna let myself think you’re straight for a second. …NO!! NO!!! NO…we CANNOT. …Because I was closeted. Jack was closeted. AND WE WERE CONVINCING.

SO CONVINCING.

…And people still wonder.

And hey! Maybe that’s partially because we’re both bisexual. Both Jack and I. …But…I think we both lean gay. And…that’s why. DUH!! THINK ABOUT IT!!” yells Kevin Spacey.

“Yeah.” says Lem. “It’s sad. I didn’t think I was making a mistake. It was a real mistake. I’m tired of seeing Jack get all the money though, to put it in materialistic terms. All the glory. All the- Love. Respect. Forgiveness.

I was straight. Okay? He…was…not. I’m an excellent actor. Not like you. But I’m damn good. Thank God Lacey can read me. Most people can’t, apparently. Or they’re too brainwashed.

…I do have obvious tells through. You barely do.” says Lem.

Kevin Spacey nods and smiles.

“What are your tells?” says Kevin Spacey.

“She literally circled my tells.” says Lem. “They’re physical.”

Kevin laughs. “I’m sorry. WHAT!?”

Lem smiles and stares. “I was born in 1916.”

Kevin’s face drops. His eyes open. “Your birthdays and deaths are all intertwined.”

“Yes!

She’s 1983. You’re 1916! So…1963. Except she’s not Jack. BUT…legally she was born on NOVEMBER 22nd. …So! Between the two of you…BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU IT’S NOVEMBER 22nd, 1963! …And then that leaves 1981!!! SO…when was she born!? And when does she DIE!? …April!? Louis fell down the stairs and so did she!? Didn’t he die in April!!? Oh wait no! April! Her father who raised her was born on May 15th 1947. Like 1917. And HER MOTHER was born on September 11th!

We’ve screwed this up.” says Kevin.

“So you know what I mean by ‘I was born in 1916?’” says Lem.

“That you were dumb?” says Kevin.

“We weren’t dumb. We were innocent and ignorant.” says Lem.

Kevin smiles. “Yeah!”

“What did that feel like!?” says Kevin.

“I hated every day.

Nothing ever made sense.

One minute you’d be trying to be…gay. But yeah, at the same time you’d be aware you were not interested in what you were actually doing.” says Lem.

“So you lacked interest.” says Kevin.

“It was an act. And I knew that! But that was part of my problem. I didn’t have the awareness to realize I was being weird. I was too innocent and ignorant! So…I thought it made sense to have to make an effort to project homosexuality to other people.” says Lem.

Kevin laughs. “Why would you do that!?”

“Right! Well…because I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand homosexuality.” says Lem.

“You knew it was scientific. But you never realized what it actually was.” says Kevin.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“I can’t believe someone would actually act that gay.” says a CIA operative.

Time of the Assassins by Charlotte Gainsbourg plays.

“We’ll EXAMINE IT!” says Lem.

“I don’t look gay here. Almost at all. Because I’m not.

The only really gay thing are my shoes. Everything else is imagined.” says Lem. “You make it seem that way. What to Lacey looks like allergies…and sunlight in my eyes looks gay to you. You’re wrong. It’s sunlight and my asthma. I DO NOT look gay here. …My shoes are…bizarrely stylish for a straight man.”

“So you worked out or you liked rowing?” says Kevin Spacey.

“I LOVED ROWING. I was very athletic.” says Lem.

“Were you an atheist?” asks Kevin Spacey. “Bobby says thou were.”

“I lied. I was trying to fit in. …No. I was a secret Christian.” says Lem. “It’s absurd to lie and say so many people in my generation were really atheists almost ever. We were private. …I regret that far more than you know.”

“SHIT.” says Kevin.

“Lacey finds me very attractive in this photo. That’s not gay. Let’s start there.

My hands look gay the way I’m holding my fingers. That’s contrived. My body looks particularly expressive. That’s not necessarily gay and it’s very contrived. What’s not contrived is STRAIGHT.

MY WHOLE DAMN BODY (from the chin down) LOOKS STRAIGHT. …You can alter your fingers and your posture. Ask any musician. The fingers themselves might not look gay (and mine don’t) but the way you hold them could.

The way I HOLD MY MOUTH, which you can control, is gay. Well…somewhat gay. And…the ONLY…ONLY other gay thing is the way I hold my eyes. You can control your eyes to look gay. And I did. And together with the other contrived actions the Kennedys were UTTERLY convinced seemingly that I was gay. And so are YOU!? Wow! HOW STUPID!!!

And…you know…my eyes…if you look into them…read as straight. I was thinking of a woman in that photo to get in a good mood.” says Lem.

“So you thought of Lacey!” says God.

Lem smiles.

“Wow! And that’s predictable.” says the Indian.

“No. He can’t have been thinking of her. He’s hot!” says lots of living catty women.

“So is she.” says the CIA.

“Umm…yeah. Okay. But I liked to lie. And honestly…no. For the love of God don’t tell me hot people like each other!!” they shriek.

“No. That’s science. They do.” says Hamish Harding.

“Nooo!!!” they whine.

“Ahh…no. There’s no way he could contort his mouth and eyes at the same time.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior, less high.

“No. That’s just acting.” says a famous actor.

“No. You can’t do that!” says Bobby, crying.

“No. That’s totally just basic acting.” says the CIA.

“To look gay!?!” says Bobby, flabbergasted.

“Yes.” says the actor.

“No!! You can’t act gay.” says Bobby.

“Yes! You can!!!” yells the actor.

Bobby pouts. “NO!”

“You can contort your eyelids. If you try. I studied the look. I made it look that way. It was all fake. But I really tried. I wanted to be convincing.” says Lem.

“Where did you find these men?!?” says another living gay man.

“New York. I lived in New York. …Hollywood. The art world. Through Jack.” says Lem. “Some teachers.”

“And they looked that much like us?!” says the gay man.

“YES!” says Lem.

“Why did you not notice how weird it was!??” says the living gay man.

“Because I genuinely thought I was gay.

…I did not know that you had to be aroused by men to be gay. Like…‘find them attractive.’ I sincerely thought that if a man touched you…and you were at all physically affected…you were gay. Black and white. No questions asked. …And I never thought it necessary or wise to revisit that until I was much older or if I tried to it was with the wrong people who just confused me more.

So…I was faking it…because…to me it seemed more honest than trying to be straight and normal. I didn’t want to bother anyone. I don’t want to ruin anyone. So…I felt if I…had to…embellish my mannerisms some it was perfectly fine and normal enough. It was who I was…even if I could pass as completely straight without doing anything. No, that seemed like cheating. That seemed like lying. Because you’d assume I was normal and then find out I was actually a dud. You know? A fag. And I just didn’t want to hurt anybody that way.

Why Lacey? *I smile* I’m too in love. But also…she seems in love with me. Or like she could be. And I realize how needed I am. And…I’m physically overwrought with love for her…and…she’s so sad without me. And I can sense that. That she might be better off being bothered…even if I’m gay. Because she just seems so in love with me. Or like she could be. So…why not…at least…look into it.” says Lem.

“So…you- What do you think now? After being with her again?” asks an Illuminati man.

“I’m not able to discuss that. It’s too painful right now.

I can talk about it with her. But it’s too difficult otherwise.” says Lem.

“Bobby…people really can do both the eyes and mouth.” says Larry David.

“For sex!??” says Bobby.

“Bobby! You do it all the time.” says Larry.

“No. That’s different. That’s narcissism. This is sex.” says Bobby.

“Ha!! They’re not separated!” says Larry.

“How can they not be!??” says Bobby.

“Because they’re on the same person!!!” yells Larry.

“But sex and lying about sex…are separated.” says Bobby. “Psychologically.”

“No!! Not true! You lie during sex all the time.” says Larry.

“How would you know!??” says Bobby.

“I can tell! I’m a genius writer.” says Larry.

Bobby thinks. “Yeah.

So you know that!??”

Larry thinks. “YES!!!”

“How do you know that!?” says Bobby.

“I haven’t sat around and watched people. Not…in any scientifically verifiable way. But I just…know. I’ve seen it somewhere. Somehow.” says Larry.

They sit and think.

“Can you predict the future?” asks Bobby.

“Some!” says Larry.

“I can’t.” says Bobby.

“Maybe all writers are scary. When you analyze then past a certain point.” says Larry. “Why did we kill Matthew Nesheim, any idea?”

Bobby thinks. “The Illuminati targeted him. Because he seemed…vulnerable. And threatening.”

“That’s stupid. It’s not him.

If we really wanted to piss those people off…we should kill Becca. In a weird way. That’s creepy. Or kill Dennis. Kidnap him, bring him to South America and then make him send messages. That would scare them all. Or would have. Matthew was vulnerable but that’s the whole problem. They don’t find that suspicious enough!” says Larry.

They think.

“Lem…why do that to yourself!??” says a psychic.

“To be honorable!” says Lem.

“When do you and Lacey ever act selfish!?” says the psychic.

“We don’t.” says Lem. “Goodnight.”