“The Dutch-Norwegians are evil.” says JFK. “They are attacking Mother Ireland.” he says seriously in 2013.
“The Dutch-Norwegians?!?” says a Minnesota woman of Dutch Norwegian ancestry.
Later.
“They are attacking us.” says JFK.
“Who!?” asks Ireland.
“THE IRISH-DUTCH!” yells JFK, having a drug induced seizure.
“Who are the Norwegian-Dutch!?” asks the CIA.
“Lacey!!!” yells JFK.
The Real Slim Shady Man by Eminem plays for JFK who has been trying to get on God’s good side by listening to the “clean version” of popular songs.
The Real Slim Shady Man
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here
Y’all act like ya never seen a white person before
Jaws all on the floor like Pam, like Tommy just burst in the door
And started whooping her ass worse than before
They first were divorce, throwin her over furniture (Ahh!)
It’s the return of the…”Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding,
he didn’t just say what I think he did, did he?”
And Dr. Dre said…
Nothing you idiots! Dr. Dre’s dead, he’s locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)
Feminist women love Eminem
“Slim Shady, I’m sick of him
Look at him, walking around grabbing his you-know-what
Flipping the you-know-who, yeah, but he’s so cute though”
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But no worse than what’s going on in your parents boardrooms
Sometimes, I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can’t
But it’s cool for Red Green to hump a dead moose?
“My cum is on your lips, my cum is on your lips”
And if I’m lucky, you might just give me a little kiss
And that’s the message that we deliver to little kids
And expect them not to know what a woman’s clitoris is
Of course they gonna know what intercourse is
By the time they hit fourth grade
They got the television remote don’t they?
“We ain’t nothing but mammals”
Well, some of us cannibals
Who cut other people open like cantaloupes
But if we can hump dead animals and antelopes
Then there’s no reason that a man and another man can’t elope
But if you feel like I feel, I got the anecdote
Women wave your wedding rings and sing the chorus and it goes
I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up
Cuz I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up
Will Smith don’t gotta cuss in his raps to sell records
Well I do so “Fuck him and fuck you too!”
You think I give a damn about a Grammy?
Half of you critics can’t even stomach me let alone stand me
“But Slim, what if you win, wouldn’t it be weird?”
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me here
So you can sit me here next to Britney Spears Christina Aguilera better switch me chairs
So I can sit next to Carson Daly and Fred Durst
And hear them argue over who she gave head to first
You little bitch, put me on blast on MTV
“Yeah, he’s cute, but I think he’s married to Kim, hee-hee”
I should download her audio on MP3 and show the whole world
how you gave Eminem VD
I’m sick of you little girl and boy groups
All you do is annoy me so I have been sent here to destroy you
And there’s a million of us just like me
Who cuss like me; who just don’t give a fuck like me
Who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me
And just might be the next best thing but not quite me!
I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up
Cuz I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up
I’m like a head trip to listen to cuz I’m only giving you
Things you joke about with your friends inside your living room
The only difference is I got the guts to say it
In front of y’all and I don’t gotta be frost-Nixon or sugar coated at all
I just get on a mic and spit it and whether you like to admit it
I just spin it better than 90 percent of you rappers out there
Then you wonder how can kids eat up these albums like Valium’s
It’s funny cuz at the rate I’m going when I’m 30
I’ll be the only person in the nursing home flirting
Pinching nurses asses when I’m jacking off with Jergens
And my wife is workin’ but the whole bag of bones ain’t twerkin’
And every single person is a Slim Shady lurking
He or she could be working at Burger King spitting on your onion rings
Or in the parking lot, circling, screaming “I don’t give a fuck!”
With their windows down and their system up
So, will the real Shady please stand up?
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?
And be proud to be outta ya mind and outta control
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?
I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up
Cuz I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady
All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating
So won’t the real Slim Shady please stand up?
Please stand up, please stand up
Ha ha
Guess there’s a Slim Shady in all of us
Forget it, let’s all stand up
“What’s the point of that song?” Lacey asks JFK who’s now drooling and rocking himself back and forth.
“I HATE YOU!!” yells JFK in a peasant Japanese-Back Bay accent.
“What’s the point of this song, Jack?” asks Lacey.
“I am TOO STUPOD AND PRETENDING TO KNOW!!” says JFK.
“Try.” says Lacey.
“NOOO!” yells JFK. “MY BRAIN IS NOT INTERESTED!”
“Try!!” says Lacey.
“Sad!! You sad woman!” yells JFK.
“TRY!!” yells Lacey.
“I CAN’T!!” yells JFK.
“TRY!!!!” Lacey yells in a Scottish accent.
He covers his ears and cries.
“TRY!!!!” she wails into his ears.
“TRY!!!” she wails, it’s literally terrifying him.
“TRY!!” she screams.
“TRY!!!” she says one…last…time.
Then she picks him with needles in his eyes. And cuts off his penis with a scissors.
As he bleeds and suddenly registers excruciating pain she stares at him. Waiting.
“What’s that song about? If you tell me like a good son…I’ll take the pain away. RIGHT? …Isn’t that the game you and your shit family played on me?” says Lacey.
“I refuse to think for you!!” screams JFK in a peasant Japanese-Back Bay accent.
He collapses in pain. Is rendered unconscious.
New Gold by Gorillaz plays.
He comes back: “It’s simple.
We were at war with Germany.
Okay?
And our allies were Great Britain and Russia.
And our enemies were all of Europe…other than…parts of France.
Japan…was our enemy. Mostly. Secretly they were on our side. In their hearts.” says JFK.
“DUH! To most of that.
No FUCKING SHIT!
…What about The Netherlands?” says Lacey.
He has no idea what he’s really talking about.
Later.
“So the perfume community, outside of specific people, is cold as ice towards me and always has been…but at the same time…they expect me to be someone I’m not or they want me to leave.” says Lacey.
“Yes!” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“Why do you find me so offensive?” says Lacey:
“Describe yourself.” says Mr. Cologne 76.
“Daughter of Thomas McBeachum, Earl of Woodwhyth, heir to the great 1725 silver mine fortune of The Square Sea. My mother was the great Agatha Ripplesby of the English Hornmirn family of Darby. She is now dead. Bless my mother’s soul.
My husband and I reside at Colchestershire Hall.” says Lacey. “I’m 40 years old with two children.”
“Okay. Maybe.
And now?” he says.
“Now I’m Lacey Banks.” says Lacey.
And at that the worthless Asians who put the hit on the British Empire lose their bodies for eternity if necessary. No more sex. FOREVER. With anyone or anyone. And Joe Kennedy Junior has his belly filled with rice until he explodes as his tongue is pulled out. They’re too unspeakably jealous to be human? So…maybe they won’t speak anymore? And no. There’s no bad karma that will come back on Lacey for defending her GOD GIVEN HUMANITY. Grow-up. They really may no longer have bodies. Now they’re just…whatever God would have then be. If necessary.
Fuck Soundcheck by RJD2 plays as they fart to get perfume. In a bottle in 1854.
“Why are you doing that?” asks Lacey.
“We’re very poor.” they say.
“So…you’re small army is…what!? Proud and honorable!?” says Lacey.
“Yup. We got skills.” they said.
“Well shit.” says Lacey.
“Yup.” they say.
“You don’t. Your poor losers.” says Lacey.
“THAT IS HER PERCEPTION!! NOT REALITY.” says JFK in 2016.
“How?” asks Lem, smiling.
“No. Don’t turn on me Lemmers.” says JFK.
“Jack how!?” says Lemmers.
“We have no respect for you. We all are just waiting to have our turn. I think to be you. But that’s completely batshit crazy.” says Mr. Cologne.
“By having sex! He’s saying by having sex!” says an arrogant weirdo in the Illuminati.
“That makes no sense.
Jack how!?” asks Lem.
“So we molest Lacey and destroy her.” says the hateful of 202. “To get her to submit us.”
“No. You want to obsessively rape her constantly. But…that’s not even physically possible.” says God.
“Why?” asks Lacey.
“We feel bad.” possibly says the anti-British Asian country.
“How does one thrive without money?” asks Lem. “Financially.”
“We don’t use money anymore.” say many evil living humans.
“That’s insane.” says Lacey.
“Bitcoin is currency even if it’s bullshit.” says Lem.
“We don’t use our brains. That’s old fashioned.” they finally admit.
“Yah. WHY!??” says Sean Collins.
“We have no God.” says a man finally.
“Huh.
What about Jesus?” says Lacey.
“We can’t worship him.” says a dude.
“Why?” says Lacey.
“Because.” he says.
“Why!?!” asks Lacey.
“Because Lem said not to.” he says.
“WHEN!?” says Lem.
“Those moments.” he says. “I thought, ‘I could have sex with you. But…then I realized I didn’t want sex with a man.’ So…I just decided to screw over some woman in whatever way you we’re screwing over Jack.”
Lem stares at him.
“What about this photo?” asks Lem.
“Who’s that!?” he asks.
“Me.” says Lem.
“Then why am I copying you?” he asks, completely confused.
“We look alike.
In photographs.
But…part of that is because I was acting gay. Lacey is in for a shock. I’m…handsome. But I’m also not as handsome as she might think. And yet she loves me. …And I have a very strong suspicion you might have no idea who I am. …I looked very different in my photos at times from reality. Not just that I wasn’t as good looking but also that I was just different.” says Lem.
“Well…I’m exhausted.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. Goodnight.” says Lem. “No. Lacey and I are leaving together. Goodnight!”
Later.
“She’s NOT READY YET!!” screams Bobby.
“No. I was talking about sex.” says Lem.
“Yeah. I know that!” says Lem.
“He was talking to himself.” says Lacey.
“You weren’t ready yet?” says Bobby. “What does that mean!?
He’s OBVIOUSLY trying to tell her he’s gay and she’s not ready to hear it.” says Bobby.
“What were they doing Bobby?” says the Illuminati.
“He was pushing her against a door. She felt pushed back? Or something. And then she got weird about it. And he got weird too. And then I heard him say, ‘She’s just not ready yet.’” says Bobby.
“Yup.
And now it looks like I planned this.
Darn it. I shouldn’t have said that.
Bobby…we were having sex.” says Lem.
“But it was going really badly.” says Bobby.
“No! It wasn’t. …It was the opposite.” says Lem.
“But you were scared and trying to tell her you were gay.” says Bobby.
“No. I pushed her against a door. And it scared her.” says Lem.
“That’s not likely!” says Bobby.
“NO! THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED.” says Lem.
“It is!!!” says Lacey, scared.
“Don’t worry. They can’t take you away from yourself or God or me or our kids.” says Lem to Lacey.
“I’m NOT GAY!!” yells Bobby.
“Okay. Stop listening.
Goodnight!!” says Lem. “Goodnight, Bobby. Go to bed.”
“NO! I’m listening if I want to!” says Bobby, crying.
“That’s SICK!” yells Lem.
“I’m not gay!!” yells Bobby, with a runny nose. “I SWEAR. I’m not gay. …I’m not.”
“Then why are you listening?” says Lem.
“Because he’s gay.” says the perfume community.
“NO! I’m not gay. I SWEAR!!!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior to the perfume community.
“Bobby you’re the cousin of the Skakel that watched people and then supposedly killed a woman that right?” says a reader.
“He didn’t- I am?” says Bobby.
“Yeah. That’s creepy. You do that kind of thing too.“ says the reader. “Watching people. Huh?”
“That’s part of the point of this blog is that I’m trying to examine the concept of the Illuminati. I’m trying to explore the idea that they watch us. It’s like why would I write down all of these things that they’re saying and point out that they’re talking to me all of the time and that they’re watching me and that they’re obsessed? Because that’s what they supposedly do. And if this is really happening to me, they’re giving me a perfect opportunity to examine that and display that for anybody with a conscience who reads my blog.
Bobby we really were having consensual sex. You just probably don’t really know us that well and I don’t think you understand what was happening.“ says Lacey.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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