“Bonjour Tristesse by François Sagan was riddle to explain Lacey and Lem’s relationship.” says Joel. “Your only hope was to contact me. I was a safety valve.
But it’s too late now.”
“He’s right.
We didn’t think you’d be so narcissistic.” says Frsnçois Sagan.
“She’s me. But it’s in reverse at points.” says Jean Seberg.
“So…her father isn’t her lover. That’s backwards from the film.” says Joel. “Not that that’s even possible. But the film questions that, just as people today have questioned that. So that’s not in reverse.
No, she’s stuck in love with Lem. And unlike the film it’s permanent. It’s as God actually made us. So she’s never going to leave him. That’s…impossible.
But unlike the film…there’s no supporting living people enabling them. Because it’s not 1950’s France it’s 2020’s America. So…they’re fighting to be together in their spirits.
However they can’t get over each other. And in the film David Niven and Jean Seberg are close but also weirdly co-dependent. She’s being molested by David Niven but she’s also narcissistic. She likes being irresponsible. …Lacey and Lem are the opposite. They’re not co-dependent. They’re madly in love. And neither of them are irresponsible. In fact they may be far too responsible.
But here’s where they’re similar again: Lacey is controlled by Lem. Lacey is controlled by Lem through love. Jean is controlled by David through evil and abuse and neglect…and her own narcissism. She tries to get away from him as she would…but she can’t figure out how to psychologically. Just as Lacey tries to get closer to Lem but can’t because she can’t psychologically figure out how to.
And that’s where I come in.
I’m the boyfriend. She doesn’t end-up with me. But I’m the obvious way out.
Lacey assumed I was just like the father who raised her. Jean Seberg may have wished her boyfriend was more like her father.
Lacey’s family has Schick’s. Jean Seberg rejects fashion.
But their personalities are alike. The character that is. Not at all identical. But there are enough similarities to matter. And…Lem…was like David Niven. He was straight. Actually maybe he was even straighter than David Niven.
And as poor F. Scott Fitzgerald was trying to point out therein lies the problem. …He’s…indomitable. There’s no way to defeat him. Not in regard to Lacey. And why would I or you truly want to? Unlike David Niven’s character and Jean Seberg’s character they belong together.
Who am I? Can I tell you? Maybe not. And that’s a lot like the boyfriend in Bonjour Tristesse too.” says Joel. “What do we really know about his background? Almost nothing. We can assume he’s rich. Upper class. That’s all.”
Later.
“Joel why were you at UND?” asks Dr. Moritz.
“I don’t test well.” says Joel. “And I’m…better at life than college.”
The Firebird Suite: Infernal Dance by Igor Stravinsky plays.
“Is it really too late to contact him!?” says Dr. Moritz.
“Yes.” says Lem. “He’s busy.”
Dr. Moritz rolls his eyes. “40’s.”
“Yes.” says Lem.
“So they had almost 10 years to contact this man…but now he’s full speed ahead.” says Dr. Moritz.
“I’m her only true love at all.” says Joel. “Or am I? But…”
“So you two embraced?” asks the Illuminati.
“Yes! I grabbed her passionately. After a date. In a dorm hall. Near the stairs. But we didn’t kiss.” says Joel.
Later.
“This could be a creepy Alfred Hitchcock film remade for the 21st Century.” says a reader.
Later.
The Firebird Suite: Infernal Dance by Stravinsky plays.
“Joel what’s your background?” asks Dr. Moritz.
“I told her that my family collected fine art. That I grew-up in California in a big house. And I was aiming to be a lawyer.” says Joel.
Dr. Moritz thinks like the professor he is who used to advise students. Young men would come into his office and he’d try to give them advice on love.
“So…what happened!?!” he asks Joel.
“I wasn’t assertive enough.” says Joel.
“How many times did you ask her out?” asks Dr. Moritz.
“Six.” says Joel. “But…in the end…we went on one date. And…I shoring have just kissed her.” says Joel.
“Why didn’t you?” asks Lem, suddenly mildly annoyed himself.
Dr. Moritz laughs.
“I was…sad. I assumed she’d reject me.” says Joel. “She wasn’t. But…I was…prepared for rejection. So…I just went with it…even though that’s not what our body language suggested. Which is so dramatic. …Because you have us passionately embracing…and then…I sadly choose to nobly let her go. Because I worry I can’t make her happy, even though I maybe could have.
I’ve regretted it my whole life.” says Joel.
“You looked so much like Lem. I’m sorry I didn’t understand.” says Lacey to Joel.
“I could easily have made you understand.” says Joel.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU?!?” yells Lem.
“I had a bad male friend.” he suggests.
“What did he suggest?” asks Lacey’s neighbor.
“What did he look like!??” begs a reader.
“Like me!” says Lem. “But coarser. Slightly shorter. And darker. But he had glasses and blue eyes. And we looked a lot alike.”
“He looked like Skippy Handelman.” says a man.
“Yes! Except…not Jewish. And actually…I could have easily passed for a rich white supremacist.” says Joel.
“Did you do coke at your frat?” asks George Bush Senior.
He gets quiet. “No.” he says sadly. “I tried to be a good person.”
“But you drank a ton of Everclear?” asks a white woman.
He laughs. “Yeah. Stupidly.”
A woman rolls her eyes.
“Your frat would have your information.” says the CIA to Joel.
“Do you know who my father is?” he says.
“No.” says the CIA.
“Yeah.” he says smiling, sadly. “Jack prevented me from being with Lacey because he was too bitter and malignant. I reminded him too much of Lem. Except I was straight? No. We both were. And are. And he couldn’t handle it.”
“So you almost slept with her?” says a reader.
“My friend screwed that one up.
I should have asked her out. Just asked her out for real. To a destination.” says Joel.
“So you asked her six times to ‘go out on a date’ with no clear destination?” asks a woman.
“Yes.” he says.
“And I did the opposite. And that was bad for me.” says Joe Bartolotta.
“Yeah he look like Prince Ranier…but he named after my brother…so clear shoo-in for love. Lacey was so stupid. She messed the whole thing up, dumbass!” says JFK.
“If Lacey dies and some tragic accident with her whole family, they should turn her life into a movie in the style of Alfred Hitchcock for real. Like not some stupid fake version, but like a real restoration of that genre and mindset.” says the CIA.
“If she dies in that sort of accident, you’re really able to cover it up well enough to turn it into a movie even with us saying it on this blog?” says Dr. Moritz.
“You know if it was for the best and she could go around bringing children who are being held hostage to the other side and very methodically figuring out a way to end the world without a lot of human suffering umm yeah, we probably could.” says the CIA.
“Would I be a character?” asks Dr. Moritz.
“Yes.” says the CIA. “And then we would have to stop being so stupid about the issue of reincarnation because it could really be in the Bible according to some people and other people say that’s completely impossible so that’s something that would have to be honestly discuss and frankly we would have to be able to be morally fit enough as Christians to be able to have an actual discussion that’s two-sided, in a real normal honest way about homosexuality and reincarnation in the Bible.”
“You know to be really honest with you though if there’s something nefarious going on the movie might have to be made on the other side. Why didn’t you people contact me back in 2016?” asks Joel.
“My father should’ve been able to do that.” says George Bush.
Joel nods. “Yeah, I mean I knew her really well. So I would say what you should have done is realize that she was confused and that that was a huge red flag.”
“What do you look like?” asks a reader.
“I look a lot like Lem. Except he’s more handsome than I am and no he’s still straight but he was more old money than I am or I am just as old money as he is but not quite as refined and handsome looking. But no we look a lot alike. I’m sorry I mean this if it’s been told to you sincerely, I didn’t have his curly of hair, but otherwise we were extraordinarily similar looking. I’m just a bit shorter.” says Joel.
“And were you Polish?” asks Monika Klima.
“I pretended to be or I was.” he says. “No somebody in my family was Polish.”
“So Lacey is Grace Schick’s niece.” says Hollywood.
Joel nods yes.
“So you look like a young Mark Price. Except you keep the glasses. Like Lem.” says a reader.
“Yes. I’m dark too.” says Joel.
“Where did you meet?” says Dr. Moritz.
“We were in a student organization. She represented her hall in her dorm. And I represented my hall. We met at a meeting.” says Joel.
“Joel you knew what she looked like naked. You aren’t actually Lem are you?” asks God.
“No. I’m not.” says Joel. “You know I’m not. Thank you for asking for clarification.”
“Joel how much was your father worth?” asks Dr. Moritz.
“$6 million?” says Joel.
“In 2004?” says George Bush.
“Yeah.” says Joel.
(Adult content below)
“Dude why didn’t you just kiss her?!?” yells a man.
“I had moral reasons not to.” says Joel.
“We’re insane.” says a perfume commercial member. “She’s extremely humble.”
“So…you’re a sweet…guy?” asks a reader.
“No! And yes.” says Joel.
“We were controlled by evil. Not to take this whole situation more seriously.” says George Bush Senior. “Yeah. I should have guessed a Joel had to be somewhere in her case.”
“DAMMIT!!” yells a reader.
“Well this is awkward…considering so many of you are dead.” says a witch.
“Not all of us.” says Lana Del Rey.”
“You scared her.” says Lem to Joel.
“Dammit. It’s true. I made you look bad.” says JFK about Joel, crying in 2024 before ceasing to exist (hopefully temporarily).
“So you’re darker. And more scary. And…” says Mark Price.
“I’m patchouli. You’re vetiver. And Lem is…oud and saffron.” says Joel. “Which is better? Well…it depends.”
“So your eyes stare and look scary behind your glasses?” says a reader.
“Yes. When I’m feeling something intensely. I glared at Lacey often.” says Joel.
“And you look very handsome without your glasses.” says Mark Pryce.
“Yes.” he says.
A sorority member from Tri Delta at UND in 2003 cries.
“Dear God. You’re real.
But what would you have done to help us?” says George Bush.
“TALKED TO HER!!!” he yells.
“Shit.” says JFK, edging backwards slowly and awkwardly.
“Yeah.
We could have encouraged you to Facebook her. Simple as that!” says George Bush.
Marsie rolls her eyes back.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU!??” yells Casi.
“They’re addicted to drama.” says a woman in the perfume community.
“Okay. But what would he have done!?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.
Later.
Prospector’s Arrive by Jonny Greenwood plays.
“I just watched Bobby Kennedy stupidly attack Lacey. For over an hour.
What would I have done?
I would have prayed. I would have prayed over my family every day. I would have taught my kids to worship Christ. And I would have loved her.
Why don’t you understand? The Kennedys are bitter over Ireland. And they’re holding Lem and her accountable for all of the atrocities of the British Empire. …Except…they lie.
Lem…was obviously British. Jack knew that. Lacey was and is Banks.
I can’t explain how evil it is.
I had to have money. My parents paid dues for me to join my fraternity. …But Jack convinced her I was like a former drug addict named Brian they knew from their charismatic church. Lem tried to intervene but they silenced him.” says Joel.
Henry Plainview plays.
John Ritter died.
Lacey gets off her room phone in November, we’ll say, from talking with Joel. He’d just invited her to his frat. At 10 PM.
“That was a mistake!!!” yells a dead woman.
“YEAH! THAT WAS A MISTAKE!!” yells a demon at Lacey.
But since it’s 10 PM…and a frat…and he was drunk…she doesn’t think it’s possible it was a mistake.
“How could that possibly have been a mistake?” says Lacey, slightly terrified.
And at that Jonah Wiley cries. Someday somewhere.
“It’ll be alright.” says Satan imitating God’s voice.
Lacey can’t believe it’s God. But…it’s 10 PM and Joel was drunk…so she can’t believe God wouldn’t agree.
“WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT!??” screams JFK, rocking back and forth in torment as he sees Lacey take too many Advil.
“Nothing much.” says Tom Banks.
And Tom Banks was right. But her legal husband got an ambulance. And they put her in counseling.
“That’s sick.” says Joel. “It’s three Advil. But he couldn’t be loving enough to bring her by himself. So…he decided he needed to put on a show. Which makes sense. He may have actually cared.”
There Will Be Blood by Jonny Greenwood plays.
“No. If you make a film. Her character needs to be played by a Scottish or Egyptian actress who has gorgeous brown eyes.” says Joel. “Regardless of reincarnation.”
“Joel…why did it at all make sense to invite her to your frat at 10 PM?” asks a reader.
The perfume community breaks out in stifled laughter.
Casi tries to maintain a straight face.
The song ends.
Oil plays.
Joel smiles. “I was in love.” says Joel.
“Let’s talk.” says Lacey.
“It was weird.” says Joel.
Lacey thinks.
“If I come see you what’s going to happen?” Lacey asks him again.
“Yeah. That’s what you asked me.
Just talk.” says Joel.
“Yeah right.” says Lacey. “I don’t think I necessarily said that.”
“I mean we could fuck.” says Joel.
Lacey is speechless.
“We’re in love.” says Joel.
Lacey is stunned.
“No we are. …You should come over and we can talk about it.” says Joel.
“What in the world makes you think we’re in love?” says Lacey.
“I know you better than you think.” says Joel.
“What makes you think that?” says Lacey.
“You’re too quiet.” says Joel.
“I’m a deep thinker.” says Lacey.
“You’re shy.” says Joel.
“I’m not a shy person.” says Lacey.
“No! I mean you’re acting shy in a way I recognize.” says Joel.
Aghast, “You don’t know me.”
“What do you drink?” says Joel.
“I don’t drink. But…something…with lemon.” says Lacey.
“We have good liquor. You should come make your own drink.” says Joel.
Lacey thinks.
“Okay. But you can’t rape me.” says Lacey.
“I’m not a rapist.” he says.
“Come meet me.” she says.
“Okay.” he says.
Silence.
“I’ll meet you by the outside of your dorm. Outside.” he says.
“Alright.” she says.
He thinks.
“It was so close.” he says.
“We don’t think like you!” says Jonah Wiley.
“No. I find them both offensive.” says Jill Schiebel.
“Do you have any warts Lacey?” asks a hater.
“No.” says Lacey. “I have a birth mark or two but no warts.”
“What about niggers?” asks another hater.
“Nigger?” says Lacey.
“Slaves.” they say.
“Why would I have a Black slave in 2024?” asks Lacey.
“Lacey. We’re not all the British Royal Family.” says America.
Lacey thinks. “That’s terrifying.”
“No. This is America!” says Casi to Lacey.
“Wow.” says Lacey. She thinks. “I can’t stand acting that way. It’s such a lie.”
“We’d have made love.” says Joel proudly. “What do you think of that?”
“It’s sad. Marriage should be easier.
Would you have threatened suicide if she ever left you?” says Lem.
“Yes.” says Joel.
“Huh.” says Lem. He sighs.
“Are you going to be okay?” says Lacey.
“No. It’s fine though.” says Joel. “God will watch over me.”
“I’m sorry.” says Lem.
“We tried.” says Joel. “But I didn’t try enough.”
“Well…she’s mine for eternity now.” says Lem.
“I’ll be happier anyway.” says Joel.
“She was supposed to have a life, Joel.” says Lem.
“Like you?” says Joel, laughing.
“Yeah. I could have. Right? No. I was doomed too.” says Lem.
“I’m going to go shoot some. Excuse me. I’d rather shoot than cry.” says Joel.
“Yeah! I bet he is into shooting.” says Lacey.
“I’m A GOOD SHOT!” says Joel, crying.
Proven Lands by Jonny Greenwood plays as Lacey’s eyes go aflame.
“Guns.” says Lacey. “Do you kill deer?”
“Yes!” he says.
“Would it have irritated you if I wore hibiscus night cream to bed at night?” asks Lacey.
He thinks. “No!”
“And you drank milk Lem?” says Lacey.
And at that Kick hits her head into a wall and maggots come out. She’s shocked and cries. And Jack flies into a wall as a demonic creature and drools in horror at himself.
“HELL IS REAL!!” shrieks Jim Craft.
And Joe and Jack and Kick become one, unable go to figure out who has the head and who has the body. It’s unclear and they feel aroused sexually by noises and air. And they can’t control it. They try to scream and separate themselves but they can’t.
“That’s what you’ve been trying to do to me? FUN!??” screams Joel.
“We LOVE YOU!!” yells Kick, but she sounds weird.
“Are you on your brother or are you just going for a lark?” asks Lacey cheerfully.
“STOP!!” screams Kick.
“DOESN’T MAKE YOU FEEL PRETTY ANYMORE!?” yells Joel.
“I suppose you don’t have to fuck Joe and Jack when you share the the same vagina as them?” asks Lem.
“Who’s vagina is it?” asks Lacey. “See now it’s an issue of property rights.”
“GOLLY!” says Joel.
“I’ll KILL THE ROYAL FAMILY AND SEND THEM TO HELL!!!” yells Kick Kennedy.
“For what?! For the orgasm you caused all of the Kennedy men?” asks Lem. “I’m glad I wasn’t included.”
“Wasn’t it strong enough?” asks Lacey.
And at that they have an uncontrollable, terrifying orgasm. As the same body.
“Aww! Siblings are close!” says Lacey.
Oddly that makes Kick feel better to hear Lacey say that. Well not that oddly. And crying she throws up.
“I hope you’re not stuck that way.” says Lacey.
And at that they try to politely separate again. But can’t.
“I don’t think sex was meant for siblings ever.” says Joe to Kick.
“No!” says Jesus. “It’s obviously not.”
“You were clearly told that.” says Bobby.
“Yes? …We were.” admits Kick, crying.
They cannot unstick themselves.
De-Tuned Quartet plays.
They swarm around inside the same body. Fighting each other for space and domination.
Lacey’s neighbor reading her blog laughs. “Thats so obviously their psychological problem. They had no real sense of self or boundaries.”
“I think it’s possibly worse.” says Lacey. “I think they chose evil.”
Lacey stares into a field in Wisconsin.
“Why is this so sad!?” she says.
“Because Joe lied to you.” says Lem joining her.
She thinks.
“Do Joel or I look anything like Joe?” says Lem.
“I prefer you.” says Lacey.
“Yes. But Joe-“ says Lem. “He was…so handsome.”
Lacey thinks.
“You weren’t prepared for this.” says Lem.
“No. I was so…misled.” says Lacey.
“Let’s just go to bed.” he says.
“Help.” says Lacey.
Henry Plainview plays.
“My face.” says Lem.
“But I love you.” says Lacey.
“Why?” asks Lem.
“I just do.” says Lacey. “And you’re handsome.”
“Yeah. Let’s just go to bed.” says Lem.
“But what happened?” asks Lacey.
“I’ll tell you. Off the blog.” says Lem. “Let’s go.”
“What is that!?” says Lacey.
Lem screams to God for help.
“Why are you here?” asks a farmer.
“I don’t know.” says Lacey.
He squints.
“It’s you. I was missing you.” says Lacey to Lem.
They stand in Dudleytown.
“They stole my image.” says Lem.
The Cecil sucks Lacey and Lem inside.
She walks down the hall.
“Lem conjured demons by accident during drug use. In misery.” says a man.
“Of murder?” says Lem.
“Yes.” he says.
“But what’s in that field?” says Lacey.
“Let’s go to bed.” says Le
Keen to Cross the Pond 