“Hi” by Hal

(September 30th, 2024)

“Hi something very silly just happened because you were harassing her in her sleep.  I am exasperated because I’m having to deal with the reality of who she is now that I’m dead and it’s very unpleasant. If there is an illuminati, I lied to myself while she was alive, or I was alive excuse me about who she was, and I got away with it because the Illuminati was only a part of my life. It wasn’t my entire identity. I she is a lot better looking than me at any point in my life and she is also possibly smarter. I may not have been a genius. She has an IQ of 140? Oh wow yeah that makes sense I might not be as smart as her and yes, I was a big deal. I was a very talented actress, but it’s possible she’s actually a genius and that a lot of you are not actually as smart as her as much as you really insist sincerely otherwise. 

The truth is, I feel extraordinarily middle class, and not at all famous next to her. And she’s actually more intimidating than we are and a lot of you are too immature and bad or backward or boast. Understand that you can’t make her what you want her to be this isn’t magical fairyland. She actually might know more about a lot of it was going on while I was alive five minutes ago practically then I did and I was older than her but I actually kind of feel like she’s older than me and I don’t think you guys can except the reality of the situation because what happened was insane I mean I can’t even fathom how insane it was.” says Maggie Smith.

“So let’s talk about what happened that was silly.” says Scott Fitzgerald.

“ a lot of us are dumb as fucking bricks. I can’t talk to Scott Fitzgerald Lacey slept with him that’s how comfortable she was. I can’t even talk to him and you think I’ll be able to rely about how insightful and intelligent and brilliant the art is today? It’s worthless shit compared to what was in the past. when you die, you can’t lie about that anymore! So I I’m too embarrassed and awkward and arrogant to talk to him. He really is impressive. And yes, it’s in a similar way to Lacey. It’s very hard to even comprehend him. It’s hard for us to comprehend her too but it’s hard for me to even believe that he exists. I know that he does but you guys don’t seem to understand we’re being stubborn we’re insisting that it can’t be some thing that we can’t imagine Easily, but some people do not fit in to the perspective we had on reality that we sometimes call our truth. There is objective truth. Postmodernism is a disease. They’re OK there are parts of it until actually that are true but the overall idea that there’s no ultimate truth and that things are not totally verifiable with the conclusions that they come to rather because it’s not actually that well thought out of the concept, but the conclusions that they come to our a little Silly and I would say childish but there’s so many pedophiles don’t misunderstand what I mean by that I am calling it childish it’s not childlike but it’s childish. It’s very sick.

But no, basically I just can’t humble myself enough to talk to Scott because I wanna talk to him like I’m better than him because that’s how everyone speaks notice and so people took it more to heart than others and ice. I took it so much to heart sorry to say And so I started talking to everybody that way and you can’t talk to people like him. That way you can’t talk to Lacey that way either and it’s just embarrassing because I’m worthless shit objectively compared to him and I know that now and I can’t talk to him because I’m not ready to except that reality that is reality. It’s not that I’ve known artist at all is that I am nothing compared to some of the actresses of his era, and who he knows talent wise looks wise. You guys go up I was a decent actress, but I wasn’t actually fundamentally, more genius than Gene Tierney will say OK I’m not more genius than Gene Tierney. She was a pretty good actress call Betty Davis Scott is too humble believe it or not for his own good and so he’s not someone who’s easy to talk to for me no he is the acts he is the writer you guys he wrote the art and yes acting is difficult but it’s not necessarily as intellectually strenuous as the writing, and the conceiving of the idea itself, how are you guys forgot that is beyond me probably because we’ve been hearing each other‘s idiocy for a while but no I can’t talk to him it’s as I am terrified.” says Maggie Smith.

“ OK so let’s talk about what happened with a brief intermission for any readers who read this far God bless them!” says Harold Loeb,

Kathy’s Waltz by Dave Brubeck plays.

“Jack is evil.

He inspired Bobby to come on to Lacey. In Lem’s apartment. And then ‘Lem’ showed-up but it was ME.

But they have yet to realize that. Because they used Lem’s energy, as he’s with her, to mask me and make me seem like Lem. And they 100% believe it by choice. Jack is insane because he should know better but refuses to accept it. But yes, essentially I guest starred as Lem. In Lacey’s sleep.” says Harold Loeb.

“I thought you seemed Jewish.” says Lacey.

Harold laughs. “Yes. That wasn’t even anyone’s apartment.”

“Was that supposed to be my apartment growing-up!?” says Lacey.

“YES!” says Harold.

“Oh! That’s not what it looked like.” says Lacey.

“No. But they’re too stubborn to accept that they have no idea what’s going on, in reality.” says Harold.

“Ahh! They’re men.” says Lacey. “They think hard work can fix stupidity. And evil.”

“Basically.” says Hal.

“Nice seeing you. Why are you mad at me?” says Lacey.

“Because. I miss you.” says Hal.

“Oh dear. I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

Scott laughs.

“Hold on! So how did you end up playing the role of Lem Billings?” says Lacey.

“I volunteered because they were harassing you in your sleep.” says Harold. 

“What was yeah- what was the idea because you were you were mad at me, but it was like we knew each other beforehand? And the idea was that I was meeting you for the first time? That doesn’t even make any sense. And you just glared at me. Why would Lem Billings if I met him for the first time, have been mad at me?” says Lacey.

“I was supposed to have been in love with Bobby, Lacey, and then mad at you because you were supposedly sleeping with him.” says Hal.

“But that’s absurd. That’s the level of hatred that you have for me in this scenario? It doesn’t make any sense because I’m not sleeping with him.

He’s on the other side of the table and I am sitting next to you and I’m actually giving you a very sexual glance without intending to. So I’m coming on to you without meaning to and then you’re looking at me like you’re Satan and you’re gonna throw me into hell?” says Lacey.

“Yes, I know and the people and demons who organized the dream were not sure how it was supposed to work either but they’re sycophants for the Kennedys both the demons and the dead. They’re all sycophants for the Kennedys so no one told them how dumb the whole thing was.

But I volunteered because I found it funny because yeah when you think about it from the perspective of me glaring at you you know why I’m mad I’m mad because I miss you and I do mean that euphemistically and so that’s why I’m staring at you because that look was for Lem’s not me and then I don’t like that that was upsetting to me so I used that I use that anger that I was feeling to glare at you to play the role of a jealous gay lover.” says Hal.

Everybody’s Jumpin’ by The Dave Brubeck Quartet plays.

Later.

Blue Rondo à la Turk by The Dave Brubeck Quartet plays.

Dmitry rides on a 1920’s automobile. Like the one in The Great Gatsby that rode over the bridge in New York City. He stands up and feels the jazzy wind blow through his hair. He grins. Smiles. Wide.

Then he sits down. Cool, casual and happy.

It’s off to a pub in Lowertown for him to meet Mira. She’s waiting.

He walks out of the car. Wearing grubby, dirty old clothes. The clothes of his class in the 1920’s. But the bar is sleek. Chilled.

Chilled early 21st chrome. Chilled early 21st Century stainless steel. Literally. The whole bat feels…well…cool. And airy. It’s delightful.

He gets out of the car, walks up to the door, walks in and sees his voluptuous, dark wife, his beautiful lover waiting. With drinks. And he joins her.

Strange Meadow Lark by The Dave Brubeck Quartet plays. They sit and sigh. Exhausted. Together.

Mira smiles. “How was your day?” she says.

“I’m not sure I’m crazy about the 1920’s.” he says objectively.

“I’m not crazy about them either. It’s a nice aesthetic. In a way I really appreciate it but there’s something about it that I have a hard time relating to on a personal level.” says Mira.

“Yeah, I mean…this is what we look like!

And this isn’t what I would’ve expected…but this is this is what we look like looked at the time. Look at me! …I look awful.” says Dmitry.

“Yeah that’s before a lot of people charged everything.

Well…I mean…the prosperity of the 20th century benefited our class…and we probably should keep that in mind and be grateful for the contribution that America made to the world, in that regard.

…But to be honest with you, I had a different day.

Look at what I am wearing!” says Mira, grinning.

Mira stands up and wears her late 1800’s dress. It’s very flattering. She models it for Dmitry.

“I don’t like the thought of you walking around without me looking like that.” says Dmitry both teasingly and sincerely. And of course…flirtatiously.

“That’s true but, as you probably know, I was completely faithful to you.” says Mira sincerely.

“Yeah…but I’m sure people got a thrill out of seeing you.” says Dmitry starring at his drink with a smirk.

“They did! They did sweetie…but I really was. I was faithful. I swear!

I really was.

But geez was it fun! I felt like I was in Moulin Rouge. …But then I was having so much fun…but you weren’t there.

So…it’s not as exciting as I had hoped.” says Mira. She’s now sitting and starring at her own drink.

Dmitry looks up at her from across the table.

“You did not work in a whorehouse!

Really!?” says Dmitry.

Mira laughs. “Yes. …But I didn’t do anything with any clients. I just walked around feeling very confident…and sexy…and fantastic.” says Mira.

“You know what!? …To be honest…I almost feel bad for them.” says Dmitry, with a wink, laughing and taking a drink.

Mira giggles, blushes and smiles. Then she takes a drink herself.

“Good times.” says Dmitry.

And so…they quietly drift off together into relaxed…cheerful lover’s bliss.

If this was a scene from Sex And The City they’d fade out right about now. And we’d get some great view of this bar in New York City. The orange city light softly drifting in through big windows.

Later.

Mercy (Remix) (feat. The Game) by Duffy plays.

Jeremy Fragrance stands outside of the bar. In awe. Starring at the car.

It’s a cool car.

These Boots Are Made For Walkin’ as sang Haley Reinhart plays.

Jeremy stares coolly…in envy.

Fumes.

The song plays.

A man attending the car stands and smokes. Jeremy looks up at him.

“Hello!” says Jeremy Fragrance to the valet.

The 1920’s valet nods. Gives a reserved Nordic nod & smile.

“Who’s car is this!?” Jeremy says in typical brash 21st Century “Bro-talk”.

The valet shuffles, genuinely taken aback and annoyed. Furrows his brow. Ponders what to say.

“It’s a car.” he says to Jeremy. Then snickers.

Jeremy snickers too. Rolls his eyes. “I KNOW THAT!” he says, exasperated.

The valet waits.

Jeremy gives him an incredulous look. “DUDE!” he says. “DUDE!”

The valet half smiles.

“How…did DMITRY…buy this car!?” says Jeremy.

“It’s not his car!” yells the valet.

“It’s not his car!?” says Jeremy.

The valet looks annoyed. Shakes his head no.

“Do you just give people rides?” asks Jeremy, with hesitating sad hope.

“You have to ask. I don’t know.” he says. He shrugs.

Jeremy thinks. “Who!? Who do I ask!?”

“Mr. Holton.” he says.

“Holton?” says Jeremy.

“Yes, sir. Mr. Adam Holton.” says the valet.

“Where from!?” says Jeremy.

“Here.” says the valet, confused.

“Where’s here!?” says Jeremy.

“The realm of the dead. I’m from the 1920’s.

He was a land owner in Minnesota. In the 1800’s. Well…that’s the name. Sue and Frank Holton? They own…the car. Sorta.

*He sighs*

It’s ah…kinda like a timeshare?” he says.

“Dang! This is what?” says Jeremy admiring the car.

“Yes, sir. It’s a 1926 Cadillac convertible.” says the valet.

“SWEET!” says Jeremy.

Better in Time by Leona Lewis plays for Jeremy, admiring the 1926 the Cadillac convertible.

“Who is trying to sell me a car right now!?

I want this car!

Who- Who’s trying to-

Are you trying to sell me this car?

This is insane!” says Jeremy laughing.

The valet looks shaken and confused, searches for what Jeremy is possibly talking about. He narrows his eyes. “Oh you mean the music and everything? So you feel as though you want to buy the car!?”

The Weed Smoker’s Dream by Hugh Laurie plays.

“That’s evil.” says the valet to Jeremy.

“Oh.” says Jeremy.

“I…don’t sell cars.” says the valet.

“Oh! Okay.” says Jeremy nervously.

“Look. You wanna a ride? Go inside! Right there! To that bar! Go inside!” he directs Jeremy. Pointing his hand out in the direction of the bar. “Listen! Why don’t you do right?

Right?

Go inside and ask Dmitry. Ask him yourself.” says the valet. “Stop just speculating.”

“Over-speculation!!” says a woman walking by, casually.

Love Song by Sara Bareilles plays.

Jeremy Fragrance marches into the bar. Confidently.

He walks up to Dmitry and Mira like a perky dork. In a 21st-Century-aesthetic tight, tailored, grey suit.

Awkward silence.

“Hey!” says Jeremy too brightly.

“Hey!” says Dmitry with a condescending swagger. And genuine annoyance.

Mira half glares at Jeremy.

“How the hell are you doing man?” asks Jeremy.

Stunned, Dmitry can’t respond.

Mira stares.

Lacey emerges. If there’s reincarnation as Scotia.

“Turns out! If there’s reincarnation I AM NOT A MYTH!” yells Scotia, shaking the entirety of the 1920’s with the pure sound of her voice.

With A Little Help From My Friends by Joe Crocker plays.

As the 1920’s settles down into itself again they all listen to the genuinely cool sounds of Joe Crocker singing his astoundingly good classic.

“Lem and Jack are a myth!” says Lacey. She throws her scepter in the fist of her right hand into the ground. Violently. As if on the road to a brutal, vicious war.

The ground shakes beneath her.

“DAVID PITTS LIED!!” yells Scotia.

And as the 1920’s resettles back into itself the song comes to a close.

“I’ve got a friend in Jesus. Or He doesn’t exist.” says Lacey menacingly.

They all stare at her confused. Quiet.

The song ends.

It’s a good song.

It’s quiet.

They all wait.

“Well hello!” says Lacey cheerfully. “So you seem rather confused Jeremy.

Here’s the thing. That car is not actually Dmitry’s car.

That car was lent to him, borrowed to him by a man who he befriended while he was working.” explains Lacey crisply.

“Oh OK thank you.” says Jeremy.

“Any time!

I saw you both suffering so much that I decided to say something. So to make myself clear that is not his car. He borrowed it from a man who he met while he was at work…who owns the car.” says Lacey.

“How can I ride in the car your majesty?” asks Jeremy.

“Certainly!

Well it’s so seems that you have to befriend a said gentleman by the name of Holton, Mr. Holton.” says Lacey.

“Yes, that’s what the valet said that’s right.” says Jeremy.

“Well who is Mr. Holton, Dmitry? Tell us!” demands Scotia.

“He is a man who I met who owns a car who was shopping at the clothing store that I was working at this afternoon. Woolrich’s.” says Dmitry.

“Is Woolrich’s is a clothing store? I thought they sold more than just clothing?” says Lacey.

“We did. Yes we did.

I was working in the department that sold men’s clothing. But yes, we sold a great number of things actually. It’s a very good store. Very good store!” says Dmitry.

“And people look down on Woolrich’s Dimitry but I don’t. I actually find the whole store rather refreshing and delightful. So I’m glad you see it the same way.” says Lacey.

“No I agree with you Lacey. Coming from the 21st-century the concept, the aesthetic? It was actually- Well…that part of my day was kind of nice. It was very charming.” says Dmitry.

“ I love the plaid the way they use plaid I’m not trying to be silly I really do I love plaid I love the wool riches, plaid aesthetic, and I don’t care that I’m cheap. I don’t care if I’m Scottish and cheap as long as it’s good quality and no one‘s being harmed in the process of making it, I actually think it’s a very wise dignified Christian thing frugal I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with it.” says Scotia.

“ I actually agree with you. I think plaid is very nice as well.” says Mira.

“ darn well since I’m writing this from 2024 and I’m not dead yet and it’s unclear whether or not there’s reincarnation this is quite frustrating because I would like to know if my love for plaid means I’m Scotia in a very silly sense or if it actually really is just nonsense and I like plaid, I don’t know.” says Lacey, exasperated.

“ Did you invent plaid?” says Mira.

“ oh, you wanna steal plaid from the Scottish well that’s not surprising Mira but I don’t think that she’ll work I’m sorry you can’t steal plaid from the Scottish just because you like the aesthetic.” says Lacey.

“ so who is Mr. Holton Dmitry?” says Jeremy, in irritation.

“ mr. Holton is a man who came into wall riches, and I managed to get his suit quickly tailored for my years of experience in higher and stores.” says Dmitry.

“ so he let you ride in his car because you tailored his suit so quickly and well?” says a woman listening.

“ yes although I’d like to think that we actually got along and we’re somewhat friends.” says Dmitry.

“ oh, my Dimitri, I am the daughter of the pharaoh, and when I just yelled the whole earth shook boy I am intimidated by your friendship with Mr. Holton.” says Lacey sarcastically.

With A Little Help From My Friends by Joe Crocker is played by Christian Hippies. Brilliantly. In revolt against evil.

The Greyhound Bus ghost dances.

Lacey stands still holding her possible scepter. Both joining the Hippies in revolt and being a sort of protector.

“It’s a genuinely good song.” says Lacey.

And the Catholics sit down to a nice salmon dinner. Safe, at peace…on Friday. Because Jesus isn’t just in our hearts. He’s GOD. And Jesus is sovereign. Over all.

The song ends. And the bombs burst in ultimate celebration of God’s victory. Utterly regardless.

Why? Because war isn’t good. But God…allowed free will. We needed to exist. And sometimes…you…HAVE…TO…KILL…PEOPLE.

The women sing.

But only sometimes.

The song plays.

So Dmitry…where is Mr. Holton?” asks Lacey.

“Outside.” says Dmitry in fear.

“No! I’m not!” says Mr. Holton emerging from behind them.

He briskly charges through. “I was quite curious about this place! Thank you!” says Mr. Holton. He looks around. “Thank you.”

Dmitry nods. Smiles. He’s eating a saltine over soup.

Mira smiles at Dmitry.

“Say! Do you think-?” says Mr. Holton.

Dmitry laughs. “Yeah. Mira is game!”

“Good! Mira, Dmitry would be a great addition to my team this Saturday if you’d be able to join us?” says Mr. Holton.

Mira’s mouth drops open. She’s excited. Her eyes glow and she meets Dmitry’s gaze with joy.

“WOW!” she mouths to Dmitry.

He giggles with her.

“So?” says Mr. Holton.

“YES!” says Mira laughing.

“Oh good.” says Mr. Holton.

And it’s understood that they’ll all be a real, cool, fun 1920’s party this weekend. Well Dmitry, Mira and Mr. Holton, that is.

Respect by Aretha Franklin plays.

A Christian nods. “That sounds a lot like Heaven.” he says. “That’s GOD!” he says to Dmitry and Mira.

“Yeah!! I think they’ll love it.” says Lacey to him. “They love the…aesthetic of the 1920’s.”

“Do they?” he says.

“From what I know of them. Isn’t that wonderful!?” says Lacey, thrilled for them.

“Yeah.” he says, laughing.

“Have you had fun too?” asks Lacey.

“Yeah.” he says laughing.

“Real, Godly fun?” says Lacey.

“Yes!” he says.

“Good.” says Lacey.

Then she wanders off.