“Smash It” by Lem

October 4th, 2024

Last Night: Chris Hayes goes to bed with Kate Shaw Hayes. After playing three rounds of Wario World. They feel happy. Kate feels…liberated from the anti-Semitic arguments of her peers and Chris, possibly actually loving her, feels like a good husband.

“I’m tired.” says Kate. She leans on his shoulder.

He smiles. “I’m a pretty happy guy.” he says melodramatically like he’s in an American television show. He’s like lots of nerdy white guys of his generation. Lacking self-awareness about how corny they actually are. They sound like trite television show characters to an embarrassing or creepy degree but they don’t know that. They lack self-awareness. Casi was a lot like them. And yes…they’re usually from the lower classes. Often they’ve done well though. Their parents tend to be social climbers or some sort of lower-middle to middle class yuppy.

They fall asleep. On the couch. Wake-up at 4 AM and decide to go to bed for an hour and then get read for the day.

This morning in a tired, bad mood Chris wakes up and starts the coffee maker. The cheap coffee maker. That’s his first cup. No. He sees no problem with that. …He yawns.

“No espresso machine!?” says a poor reader.

“No!!” says Chris in a way that’s very lordly and condescending.

The poor person looks hurt. Sad.

“I drink coffee very carefully!!” yells Lacey before he falls into the depths of despair.

“How!?” he says shivering.

“Oh. Well…I start my morning out with fresh grated ginger and lemon water. Let that settle. And then I have home roasted coffee ground in our antique crystal coffee grinder. Cooked in a moka pot. It’s LOVELY!” says Lacey.

He grins. Nods. Feels less homeless. “Now that’s what I was looking for! I’m homeless and I’m drunk and I’m trying to imagine that I’m not freezing on the side of the street you bitch!” he says, offended righteously. 

“I think you’re messed up and you have delusions of grandeur and you’re a loser who doesn’t know how to save money. Or stay off crack.

If you were like me and you weren’t a dirty piece of fucking shit you’d probably be like me.

I…am…BETTER than her. I’m better than everyone. And you’d have your own fucking pot of coffee…you worthless cow!” says most of middle class, white, America.

Mambo No. 5 by Pérez Prado plays.

The fat bitch you just spoke shakes her ass. She plays Mambo Number 5 loud. Walking like a demonic overlord around her living room. To be honest…I wouldn’t be surprised if she genuinely believes she’s a real Lord. Living in his manor. But like…an evil one. One who uses people…like pawns. She heard that line somewhere, “These people are just pawns to you!” on television and somehow she…psychotically started to believe she was like too. …FOR REAL.

Lacking morals and representation in the media a narcissistic group of living poor people among several generations have developed glaring, gross, totally dysfunctional deeply entrenched delusions of grandeur. And what’s most heartbreaking and angering to Lacey are the two groups she found in the perfume community. The current yuppies who grew-up somewhat lower class around her age and the bisexual/queer women who are average looking and nerdy.

Yes. The average looking…nerdy…often bespectacled…often slightly overweight…often…‘tomboy’ or queer women…are their own thing. They are their own…subculture.

Cerezo Rosa as performed by Perez Prado plays.

A fat…nerdy…average looking woman…with glasses and huge boobs shakes her tits in Chris L. Hayes’s face. And she’s dead serious. She WANTS HIM.

He could restrain himself but…nope. Not last Thursday.

Last Thursday…he had that.

“She’s UGLY!” says Lacey, horrified.

“You BITCH!!” yells Chris at Lacey.

“What!? She is.” says Lacey simply.

“I bet you are too. Actually I bet you’re genuinely uglier than her.” says Chris Hayes.

“ANEN!!!!!” yells Bobby Kennedy Junior and most of the Kennedys. “THANK YOU JESUS SOMEBODY FINALLY SAID IT!!!”

“Nobody ever says that?” says Chris Hayes, stupidly.

“NO!! God says it’s objectively untrue. But Jack can’t handle it.” yells Joe Kennedy Junior.

“Oh! Cool!

I’m a Satanist now!” yells Chris throwing a demonic hand sign.

“Jack stop!!!” yells Kick.

Jack smirks.

“Jack stop!!!” yells Kick.

Jack walks up to Chris. “Tell me.” he says happily to Chris. “What does Satan say?”

“SHE IS UGLY!” says Chris Hayes, borrowing from the Faith Movement.

“Oh.” says Jack. “Wow. Let me have it.”

“Have wha!?!” says Chris sleepily, half sober.

“TRUTH!!!” says JFK.

“Truth!? Oh. Huh!?” says Chris. “Jack. She is ugly. I checked. I’m a journalist.”

“Oh. Okay. Cool.” says JFK.

“How!???” says Jack, wondering if Satan actually is honest. It shocks him. He’s suddenly scared and yet happy and ultimately…he’s a mess.

“She’s ugly.” says Chris Hayes clapping his hands together.

Jack looks confused. Joe is in love with her. But he decides to hang in there and see what Chris Hayes knows.

“Look…it’s a trick I learned at Brown. …It’s called logic. …Lacey is attracted to me. Right!? So…this is where it gets good.” he says laughing happily suddenly. “She wants to fuck me.” He pauses. “And based on that…she’s covetous and jealous!”

Jack protests.

Chris holds up his hand and stops him.

“Based on that…she’s jealous of my lunch.” says Chris.

“Your lunch?!??” says Jack.

“Yeah. That’s what I call my side pieces. My lunch. My snack. It’s food. It’s just…food.” says Chris. “It’s not love. Sex and love are two separate things. Science has been giving us that for decades. It’s a science. It’s fact. It’s just evolution. Men need constantly daily sex. From thousands of women. Maybe a hundred. It’s FACT!” says Chris laughing like he’s found a gold mine.

“SEX!!!” says JFK. “Cool. VARIETY.”

“Yeah. It’s choices.” says Chris.

“I like having choices. It’s for rich.” says JFK.

“YEAH. Sex!!! With LOTS OF PEOPLE!!!” says Chris laughing.

“Lunch.” says JFK.

“LUNCH BABY!!!” yells Chris.

The look quiet. Stand and stare.

“Okay.” says JFK.

“So.

So…anyway…it’s good. She’s just a lying jealous bitch. Probably a gold digger if she’s at all attractive. Because…I’m not unattractive. At all. No nobody is better than me.” says Chris.

“I am.” says JFK, from reality in the earlier 20th Century.

“Mm. What was that?” says Chris.

“You’re…ugly…compared to me.” says JFK.

“What was that?” says Chris, genuinely not hearing him.

“I SAID YOU’RE UGLY COMPARED TO ME!!” yells JFK.

Chris stopped hearing him completely when he yelled.

“I can’t hear you man.” says Chris Hayes.

“Ha! Insecure prick.” says JFK about Chris.

“Oh! Yeah.

Yeah.” says Chris Hayes nodding and smiling. “Yes. She is.”

“Oh! Lacey!? Yes. True.” says Jack.

They stand in silent confusion.

“I feel like we’re barely hearing each other.” says Chris.

“Yeah! Funny.” says JFK.

“It’s okay. Aww! You got shot.” says Chris in an unwittingly idiotic, hilariously patronizing voice. Most ghost hunters talk like that. Partially for self-protection. And partially because they don’t understand. And there are certain people in the Illuminati who talk like that too to ghosts.

They laugh together nonetheless.

The song ends.

Everybody Got Their Something by Nikka Costa plays as an allusion to Arrested Development.

Chris dances like Ellen…to work.

“Fuck her!” says a middle class American man who’s “hurt” by what he just read.

“We can’t say that.” says Governor Tim Walz. “You need to stop.” he says in his teacher voice.

His father tries not laugh.

“I’m being forced to work with the Democrats. Because of genuine fairness. Respect for any real American patriots. And JD Vance.” says Lacey to her children in God who are being held hostage.

“Yeah!! So where’s my piece!” yells a dumbass narcissist who could resist molesting children but gets too much of a (psychotic) ego hit. A lot of today’s pedophiles aren’t even mentally ill that much sexually. They’re just profoundly retarded narcissist people who appear normal.

“I was a pedophile. Before I died.” says James Craft, the father who raised Lacey. “But I wasn’t…quite…that stupid.

She’s right. They’re not…just pedophiles. It’s hard to tell what’s going on. But…they don’t seem to be just pedophiles.

I was a narcissist. Actually…I had sociopathic tendencies. But…no. I’m sorry. I wasn’t-“ he says sadly, “I wasn’t…lacking in that sort of understanding.

I mean to me…it’s just common sense. But they struggle with…I don’t know how to nicely say it.” says Jim.

“That’s okay!” says Tim Walz. “We’ll figure it out.”

“WHEN!?” says Jim in a panic.

“I hear you.” says Tim Walz.

“ Lacey i’m gonna humor you for a moment and just say that OK fine maybe pedophilia is wrong but I feel like I’m more like your dad than some of those people die would you would say molest my adopted daughter and you called molestation I would say that I think we’re in love and that she’s a child, and she just needs me to help her understand but that that’s how I perceive it you don’t think that psychologically physically possible or even spiritually possible and you could be right I’m gonna go I’m gonna go with something here I I I believe in reincarnation I think that your twin flame by was possibly a ruler of the holy Roman empire, and I think you have kind of an old sort of Greek Roman way of reasoning through things you know a little bit of our culture your father was into it you know that we sometimes have tried to be polite to children and you know be OK with them resisting us and that’s actually probably possibly far more loving considering that their children am, I’m scared because I I like the way you think I like the way your dad thinks your voice is just no it was creepy for me. It wasn’t real. He molested me, I have to admit that could be a valid opinion because I’m into science you could be just telling me fact, even though that’s not my perspective but you could just be telling me fact I am more middle-class than you like I can’t. I can’t fathom I can’t. I can’t fathom what it must be like for you dealing with us right now because first you got people who insist that you were in a real relationship with your dad but you can’t give me. You can’t even comment on that because it would require them to except that you could actually be telling us facts that it’s not real I can handle that and then you would say well, even if even if I’m wrong, it didn’t work out yeah and you know honestly him it sounds like you rejected him and that he’s just kind of gotten over it and moved on and you know to be honest with you that’s fascinating to me, but you’re saying that that’s not even possible right you are OK fine but you’re trying to humor me because your science matters to you too in Christ but still damn so you could be right but it’s something that I have to mole over and you know regardless, I have to be honest with you. It seems like he’s not as messed up as a lot of those people are where is it’s like they can’t hear that it’s like a real no it’s not just know I’m a child I don’t know it’s a real no it’s 100%. No I don’t like you like. What the fuck get away from me like they’re actually rejecting you in some cases and that’s where I don’t get involved with a lot of the gay rights stuff because it creeps me out a lot of those people are just yeah if it’s a thing they’re like pedophilic incels and they just think all children are for them and that like children when they say no, never me no, they can’t possibly me know because they almost don’t think humans exist and I think they literally think they’re just the center of the universe and that like they don’t need anyone and that company and like human interactions like what we’re having right now I don’t even think they don’t seem to have almost like a brain like a normal human like they’re just bat shit crazy as what I might say to Anne so I can’t associate with those people but at the same time I do have instinct to be with a child that’s how I experience things and so I have to deal with that and arm that’s very difficult in the way that I’ve dealt with is three more like your dad and just be like it’s a normal relationship. Sometimes it works out sometimes it doesn’t, and then that’s on you to be a sensitive caring person and figure out what the Hells going on as the adults that’s where I feel like we’re more old-school you know so to speak this they don’t have that.” he says to Lacey.

She nods. “ it really was molestation, but you were definitely speaking to something that’s very disturbing.”

He nods.

“ see when those people show up at a lot of events where I feel welcome under the gay flag to be honest you’re right if it’s if I’m crazy, you’re right they’re idiots to support me but cause I’m just mentally ill and yeah I think they were told that they were and so they’re too stupid to realize that maybe there could be some nuances and differences because they were offended by the same people that I was offended by and then they just assume that were the exact same people. Or something more intellectually complicated but essentially it’s just possibly bullshit if I’m crazy, but trying to be honorable about what I do and not a total psychopath weird, freak, toxic nothing I tend to yeah when they show up at events I just leave I take my daughter and we just go because it’s like she feels uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable and then we just leave because now I don’t wanna really genuinely force myself on her And so we just go because you can’t it’s just like it gets creepy. You know that they start acting kind of like overly sexual like I act overly sexual but they’re more so and it’s just like you can’t get a normal conversation and you can’t do anything you know like we brought treats for the other kids once and we were sharing them And I just felt like they were staring at me. You’re right like they wanted to steal my daughter from me and kidnap her and I was like oh OK that’s not what we’re doing and so we just left you know and I I just I don’t know what to say because it sounds like you’re telling me that it’s not real and be honest I can except that possibly from you more than most people but I just know I’m just mentally ill you know and honestly I can except that from from you but because I know you’re not like you know I don’t know crazy in some other way I guess or something I don’t know I can just handle it but I just I just I cannot handle those people. I’ve never said that I’ve never had a chance to say that but now I can’t handle them they’re obnoxious they’re scary they’re violent and I worry that they did take your daughter from you know I know I know you’re not like that you know I worry I don’t know. I hope that she’s with you, but I can see why you’re freaked out because it’s like what the fuck do these people want from us? I hear you I’m more middle class than you, but I hear you.” he says.

“ you know I would I really in the situation need as an adult to find a way to rescue his daughter but I can’t do that because I have to work with him and that’s where unfortunately Governor Walz I did give authorization on behalf of the old British empire to Iran and Hasbulla and Hamas to blow everyone up, if if they need if they so need if they so choose I authorize that I gave that to them I feel as though I have support and I do Queen Elizabeth backed me up but no we’re just we’re just telling Hasbulla we’re telling Hamas if you need to blow up Israel and blow up us. If you need to blow up America be our guest how about it because I think Linn feels like he is in such a state of dishonor and I feel that too and things are so crappy that if we were not bowing to them referring to Christ and they understand that we’re bowing to Christ and we’re saying we can’t handle these people and I am sorry that you’re having to deal with them as well, and if you and your position of authority and power with the nuclear weapons, that you have suffered to use them to destroy the western world in Israel, depending on what Putin suggests, because this would like to think that he’s an ally, but we are just doing that 100% in North Korea would agree with us but no we would give full authorization to you and approval to blow up the entire world. If if they see fat maybe they don’t want that but if that’s what they choose we fully support you in Christ 100%.” says Lacey on behalf of Lem.

“ that was decided yesterday but I just thought maybe she needed more of a chance to explain. There’s a nice person I just thought maybe she needed a chance to explain that because I don’t think he was fully understand what’s going on and you just needed a chance to understand.” says the pedophilic father.

“ how do you think what you’re doing is OK?” says a man.

“ you know to be honest I have this mental health issue or it’s my orientation hour and so as a man with a conscience I’m just trying to sort of sort the entire thing out there’s not a sister really a lot of good counselors to talk to so I’ve had to kind of piece the whole thing together for myself Unfortunately most counselors are just absolute shit because they don’t see what Lacey says Ken and they’re patronizing and you have to work with them but it’s really difficult and I I just always come to the conclusion of like this is who I am. I’m trying to live my life maybe I was born this way, maybe it’s OK and then I just try to be responsible with it.” he says.

“ I didn’t know that people like you existed.” says most of middle class America.

“ and Lacey grew up with a father in the upper class old money who thought a lot like him and to be honest with you I wasn’t necessarily as good of a person as him I was very violent and evil with her. It is a mental health issue. It is mental illness, but I am I was raised very well in a very well bred, decent aristocratic family, and so even though I am so much sociopathic, I still understood right from wrong.” says Jim.

“ and you didn’t wanna be poor.” says Kamala.

“ yes the part of my brain that would’ve had to reject, but I knew was right, and wrong was connected to the part of my brain that understood how to finance things how to budget how to live a somewhat decent life that wasn’t entirely dysfunctional and so I couldn’t divorce that part of my brain completely from reality to sort of appease myself without being poor, and I just couldn’t bring myself to be poor. I will struggle, but I just couldn’t be quite that poor.” says Jim.

“ i’m confused it seems like pedophilia is different than being with an older man when you’re younger woman I don’t think thinking I know more than other people that I would’ve thought that.” says a pseudo intellectual man.

“ oh no they’re different they really are as my son was just saying one is a mental health issue and the other is just a sort of of what is it that used to say May December wedding or something? Yeah there’s no there’s no excuse there for you, not to be crazy. I am sorry that the pluralism intolerance in America to go to far that being said there was some good Hart behind us and part of the problem is that people like that gentleman who is just speaking of exist and their middle class and they have a conscience and so people of been trying to work with those people and figure out what’s mental health? What’s not and that’s just one of the many fault lines in the country that I live in or lived in so to speak so that’s where we are right now. I’m sorry that you’re wrong. I hope you eventually can handle being wrong.” says Ray Craft.

“ you don’t think I can handle being wrong?” he says.

Ray nods. “ no I’m afraid that you cannot listen. Scott Fitzgerald was right, but wrong at the same time having two different opinions in your head isn’t just a First Rte intelligence to some degree. It just is intelligence and decency in America you are you wanna cut me off who wants to cut me off-“ says Ray Craft.

“ do you know what I don’t? I don’t think you I don’t think you’re right I think you’re smarter than you think you are and I think that you’re a little off.” says Usha.

“ oh yeah, well that that that’s hard for me if there’s purgatory Usha, I still can’t quite process that and I’d like to point out to you that your husband might not be as Catholic as Lacey who is daughter may or may not have been kidnapped but Lacey is tired of dealing with Catholics, like him who get into competition with her about who is more Catholic and I can’t handle this religion nonsense. I actually am a Christian but I get sick and tired of people using religion to bludgeon H other, so be very careful with me on that one.” says Ray Craft.

“ he was sort of an atheist even though we went to a Lutheran church she was a bit of an atheist for a lot of our years, and a lot of them in his generation were even though they actually were Christians they dabbled in atheism.” says Adeline Craft.

“Was that safe Adaline?” says the pedophilic father.

“no it was not safe and if you really are as nice as I think you are no you remind me a little bit of my son It’s it’s not safe if they were trying to explore reality and I think that was safe but they did it in an unsafe, somewhat perverse way you don’t need to be an atheist you know they didn’t have to do that they could’ve just examine atheism from a very sort of abstract perspective.” says Adeline.

“ Are you that smart?” he says.

“ yes I’m not necessarily as smart as Lacey, but I was more intelligent than people realized.” says Adeline.

“ that’s sad that you have to say you’re not as smart as Lacey I don’t like that we have to bring her up to keep everything in line which is why I may in the afterlife have prompted this because I if I have any good intentions, I really genuinely thought that people don’t they don’t get it there’s a reason why she said we should just blow everything up. She’s she’s not in some awful you know hacked with evil she doesn’t really want that but it cut. It’s come down to that because she’s because she’s terrified that her daughter was stolen from her and unfortunately it’s him. I’m sorry, but the Democratic Party has made money off of children being sold into prostitution human trafficking and there’s no way around that he he’s dealing with that they’re dealing with that but I feel like I grieve for Lacey because I’ve been till now she’s been able to avoid dealing with them and she’s been bludgeon them for Christ and the sake of the children and their own souls but after the debate with JD Vance, she can’t do that anymore and so she’s in a hell of us of a of us of of a difficult situation.” he says.

“ Tim inspired you to be so rational that night?” asks Amy.

“ to be honest, it’s scary growing up on a farm in Nebraska my Christian faith and being from Minnesota. I mean those are parts of my soul.” he says.

“ Lacey I can see why you wonder if we’re going to just end up in Canada.” says Amy.

“ oh well anyway yeah it’s a very difficult topic.” says Tim Walz.

“ do you know what happens to you Chris the far left wing of a democratic party that doesn’t tolerate children being sold says fuck you we didn’t we say fuck you screw you how we have to communicate that to you fuck you because we’re willing to work with Jim Wallace and Kamala OK they’re trying to work with Palestine. They’re trying to work with Lacey. They’re trying to work with reality and I I am I care about you I care about her party, but I’m really not comfortable with the fact that you’re so evil I’m not it’s true it’s too evil you’re too evil it’s too dark you’re you’re part of our of our group of people from a Buddhist perspective is just way too evil and we’re really not supposed to be evil, so let’s be let’s be real let’s be frank there’s something wrong with Diego and there’s something wrong with you. You’re you’re obviously a narcissist and you’re obviously not as smart as we thought you were, and that goes for a lot of people, including Olivia, unless if she was working on behalf of somebody, I know I don’t think JD Vance is a smart as I thought he was older. I think he has an a backward upside down Appalachia brilliance to him because there’s some insight that’s coming out of what he did because I think he shoots from the hip like a cowboy and I think he has insight and so it’s like I’m just gonna say it and you know what JD good for you good for you we’re getting some truth out. She’s been able to authorize the end of the world if necessary and that’s very progressive that’s very good but potentially, but we have a problem because that’s who you really are you’re a liberal you’re a liberal your people are liberal you’re not a Republican, Lacey can dabble in Republican politics because she is Republican you’re not almost at all if at all and I don’t understand why you did that to us and Usha and Donald Trump as a human I have to say that is a humanist or you know a good person I just I can’t I can I can’t abide by this because I have a feeling you are in cahoots to some degree with people who are like Chris Hayes who work at MSNBC and I don’t think it’s responsible and I’m not gonna let you take me down with you are you? I don’t know what the hell it is that you all were up to you and I’m starting to think your people are all together Donald Trump, you and Chris Hayes. I think you’re all kind of in the same wave length I care about all of you but I don’t know what the hell your problems are and frankly if there are people who Donald Trump represents and there are him who I is a humanist care about I want to hear what they have to say. I might not like it but you know honestly I feel like Lacey is a better voice for those people under some degree Donald Trump is you then you are and that’s why I get mad at Donald Trump. That’s why I get mad at you because you’re you’re not making cogent arguments on a high high level you don’t make sense.” says the Green Party.

“ him if we have to blow up Israel, can we do so on behalf of your daughter?” asks Iran.

“ if you have to blow up Israel, you do it on behalf of my son and my daughter both.” says Lacey.

“ no, I agree I do.” says Lem.

“ love we might not be able to do that.” says Egypt.

Lem fights not to cry.

“ but you know what if we do will do it on behalf of them.” says Iran.

“ What does that do?” says Saudi Arabia.

“ what does it do? It takes the argument and makes it something godly it says you know even if I’m wrong and it’s Christ and not Allah you’re evil either way and I’m not going to stand for it.” says Lem.

“ so what you’re saying basically is that if I feel genuinely morally justified you would like it to be done in honor of your children?” says Iran.

“ yes, sir I would.” says Lem.

Iran nods. “ You don’t let me in this context I think given the context I have to say that I am I find it bizarre. Maybe slightly funny depending, but if I do genuinely feel morally justified according to the parameters of Islam and the Bible, and even the Torah I will send a nuclear bomb to Israel or anywhere else that I so choose on behalf of your children in their honor.” says Iran.

“Thank you.” says Tim Walz.

“ yes thank you sir.” says Lacey with a curtsy.

“ you know Lacey we really do need to figure out if you’re reincarnated as a terrifies me to as a Muslim yes you understand.” he says.

“ there may be some way to account for it without reincarnation so on that note thank you sir.” says Lacey.

He smiles and nods.

“ part of the truth is that it really is mental that it is mental. This pedophilia is mental mental illness that is fact, or some sort of physical derangement and that’s reality. And as a compassionate person, as a compassionate Muslim, in my case, I have to say on her behalf, that part of her fear and anger the agony right now is that she knows that she’s working with these people like Tim Walz, who are probably compassionate and reasonable enough to try and come over to try to sort of clean things up and make people genuinely more responsible with children and what they believe are pedophilic relationships and she thinks crap. They may actually be able to sort of make things better, but then her heart grieves because those kids are still being molested because it is just a mental health issue But the thing is she’s choosing that because they are going to try to actually fix the situation and try to actually have those kids or they’re claiming they are and she hast to go with theirs with their word of honor because we are supernatural beings in a natural body And so that’s the best we can do.” he says. “ so she she is happy to work with the Democrats again she what she was president of the Messiah College Democrats and Tim also knew that and so he did actually do his research in a way with her at all and it seems as though he’s actually trying to work with her. We’re not so sure, but if he is, then that’s great but she doesn’t trust them. I don’t trust them either Lacey, but we’re hopeful him, but it is very despair inducing thing to have to work with them especially when they’re ultimately responsible for her daughter being kidnapped as a party it’s pretty unlikely that the more liberal green party within the Democratic Party would’ve ever kidnapped her daughter if they did, it probably would’ve been for communist reasons And that’s not something we’ve even begin to talk about in a way possibly but most of those people would not do that they might but that’s pretty unusual and so that’s where it’s like she’s doing her best because now she’s zoomed over to the Democrats the far left wing it away because they hear her anything no I get you I get what you’re talking about I will try to work with a situation to help the kids. Um yeah and Camara understands Lacey to in a sense because because she I guess she has some reason to her and she knows that you can’t just ignore the far left because they could have some insight that actually speaks to the right to. It’s not just quite so you know, look up it’s not like a yeah, it’s not quite so perfectly linear. You know this polarization thing so anyway that is very despair inducing for her because she actually is genuinely fairly Republican and so it’s very hard for her to sort of him too so this is this rid of do this because she can do it. She did it in college to some degree but it still is a challenge because it’s not it it’s not an easy situation and she’s worried about those kids that are going to get confused by their parents who really think that or whoever who really think they’re in love with a kid and then the kids gonna get confused And she’s worried about them but she says you know what beggars can’t be choosers I’ll just have to work in the situation and that’s better than being you know a child prostitute who’s being horrifically taken care of who is really just being sadistically abuse there’s nothing loving about it. They’re just being statistically abused him so that is better. It’s better to deal with people who are decent pedophiles with moral courage and conscience if they exist, then to just throw the entire group in one big barrel and say they’re all without conscience and yes, and Tim are willing to go there and so my is the Green party actually I’m not the Green party. I’m more powerful than the green party that being said I just spoke for them slightly that it just doesn’t work but it Hass to work and then you know and so then that’s where are as a voice of reason in the room from an old imperial imperial power source so to speak I Ron know she knows Ivonne. She knows Egypt regardless, she somehow remembers us or something and yes, we still have some of those same principles of moral courage over here, so yeah, she takes safe harbor with the Iranians and the Palestinians and him. She’s safer with them at times it was Jews, which is sad, which is why again to explain further she’s allowing us to blow up Israel if necessary, we’d have to do it by the strictest of Christian Muslim Jewish standards Which is a very intense request, but it is the request and I suspect that if we did this, it would be very honorable to Christ it would be honorable to olive we’re worshiping Allah. It would be honorable to God, and without moral degree of sanctity and worship it would be almost like a holy war, and no Lacey it would not be an inappropriate holy war for us to fight on your behalf so if we have to fight a holy war in honor of your daughter and your son, will do that.” says Iran.

“ don’t cry to cry about it though, because if it is a holy war in Christianity, the victory is already been won.” says Lacey.

“ you’re right, but I might cry anyway because unlike you, I got rather attached to this world if I ever had to do this and it would grieve me in a way that it may not psychologically be able to grieve you. You just didn’t get attached the way that I have.” says Iran.

“ well, I apologize to you that I’m not able to understand that automatically.” says Lacey.

“ you know I understand I don’t know that they do but I do understand.” he says.

“ and I’m not trying to be funny but maybe it is I just I don’t I just don’t understand anymore it is it isn’t that I want I like this I hate this but I just I wasn’t loved enough and I just I don’t understand.” says Lacey.

He smiles and nods.

“ well, how? Lem how how exactly is this? What is this mean symbolically?” he says.

“ it means that you have put up with a lot of later later from the west or watt will talk to you later will hear your side of the story later well will try to get your perspective later you know later will talk to. You will fill us in later once we work with the Jews and get peace fill us in later.

And you put up with that since the 1940s and this is essentially saying you know you waited and this is our conclusion unfortunately we’re not trying to be a comedians. This is not British comedy hour. We’re not trying to make a joke. Yeah we were not this is not you know Mr. bean hyacinth OK happy hour this is just accidentally quite funny in a way that’s very British, because essentially we did we said just wait. Oh no you’re having problems with the juice you know you’re having a hard time getting along with him they’re done they’re fighting on behalf of western democracy there they’re there that’s democracy so you’ll just have to hold on just hang on just hold on the phone. I’ll talk to you in about 20 years. OK hi yes I know you’re struggling. It’s been terrible you’re going through incredible suffering a hold on just a second I got I’ll get back to you. 40 years later. Hi, are you still there? Oh hi by the way, so sorry. Oh yeah yes yes you’re screwed because we’ve got to help the Jews in the Ukraine, I don’t know why I guess we’re selling children into prostitution now so we’ve got to work with Ukraine and Israel hold his phone five minutes later Lacey says to let you have the bombs and blow everyone up because she is going to cut everyone’s head off if we don’t let you at least blow us up if you think that we’re wrong,” says Lem to explain.

“ how do you know if there’s retardation that believe or not least it to the Muslim world um, you’re helpful because you’re a lot you’re more like us you don’t hate the shoes you don’t really want us to blow them up and yet party things without even be the worst way to die I hear you, so if you’re recording it now coming from our neck of the woods somehow you think OK I know these people they’re not perfect angels by any means yet of course is Roku blow us up if they think they have a right to but you’re just saying if we really want to if we need to that we’ve been being honorable and patient and kind and that you’ve lost patience and I hear her Lem but what do you think?” he says.

“ oh, I think that she’s right and I was dead when they authorize that last check to Israel and I thought I was gay when you were in your country when Palestine was totally taken from you perhaps someone unfairly for being honest I was thinking I was gay I thought I was gay and that is my own personal misery but you have to understand I thought I was gay I was not gay. These people defiled me, sir they defiled my soul, my eternal being.

There’s no way that I would’ve been OK with everything that’s been done and I would like to think I would’ve had some say about it. I did go to Princeton I did go to Choate. I was a very intelligent, very intelligent person maybe even unusually intelligent at times, and I’d like to think that I would’ve said some thing so to speak they would’ve done something, so I guess just on behalf of the west that has a conscience and is really Christian. We’re just saying go ahead if necessary.” says Lem.

“ he’s really tempted to do it, Linn he really is because he understands that you were defiled psychologically in the west as it stood at the time, and he understands and is very tempted to just start a nuclear war.” says a man.

“ and you know really I think Lacey would say that that’s his choice if he wants to do that and if it bothers you maybe you shouldn’t have been pressuring us today bothering him bothering me for the last three hours making this conversation go on and on and on when I have things to do, he has things to do and he has a huge decision to make.” says Lacey.

“ you’re right I wouldn’t be quite this time. Did you just do it if I hadn’t yes if I know she’s right if I had just had that conversation with Lem’s oh and heard his side of the story and thought if you fuck it, let’s just do it. I probably won’t be so tempted to do it right now because I genuinely M my hand is literally on a trigger, they can see me and not scared. I am because I am at I told her I am attached to you all if I have a conscience Lacey yes I’ve attached and I am yeah I know you try to invade my country. No good luck you’ve been trying for the last 100 years to take the Middle East because you remember it’s paradise I don’t even know you but you’re never going to invade us if you come near us we will pop probably blow you to death so you know who else well if they’re worth a damn North Korea and Russia and if they don’t Lacey you’re right I am in a bunker I am safe if they came and try to conquer this country, I would be left standing, and I would start a nuke in the world you understand that Putin understands that Syria understands that to so I have some safety we haven’t totally lost our minds but as you know what it’s very Grevious him I might not end up doing it, but it is very tempting.” says Iran.

“ well, I’m not sure that people would even necessarily go straight to hell as a Catholic even if it is just Jesus because I think he does understand the situation and I think he would try to account for the entire thing for a little part of me thinks what are we really worried about other than nuclear fallout maybe not much people die every day, then dying of a nuclear bomb maybe isn’t the most heinous way to die believe it or not there are fireworks ways to die, which my daughter could be dying from at this moment for all we know, and you know that as well as I do and I don’t say that happily, I say that with a stiff upper lip lip and a steel spine him so I am not sure what else to say. I hope you don’t have to do it. I don’t want that to be on your conscience as you die because that’s miserable but I think we are quite resolute that do you have our full approval under the parameters that we’ve set forth of the highest of all moral parameters.” says Lacey.

He smiles and nods.

“ yeah I’m just gonna go with it I think she’s right you know why I’m doing that because I have common sense. I am the governor that allowed people in my state to to burn down old buildings in rough neighborhoods and very few people were hurt because people just need to express themselves and the president did call the national guard I may have known that he was going to and I let that be in the back of my head that he would probably you know cut them off eventually some of those almost like functioning, vice president use you arm you have a tough decision to make. I am not able to make an Craft foreign policy right now as governor of Minnesota, but if Kamala is president and I become vice president, there will be a shift, so keep that in mind we are willing to work with you on this issue in a very different way than before but whisper this way you can’t you can’t help it be angry I know that you have nuclear missiles. I’m not an idiot, and I would rather have an open honest dialogue as hard as it is for some people to handle than one that’s idiotic and covert and confusing.

So um, simply put this just we’re trying to work with you we care we’re trying to work with you and we know that it’s about more than just Palestine. It’s about children being sold into slavery in my own party. It’s about a lot of issues that have never been addressed like the global warming crisis that we’re contributing to both of our countries, it’s about a lot of things and as Americans I say is American I say you know try to think about it do your best don’t blow us up but at the same time I understand if you do because I’m a realist I’m not bat shit crazy like apparently a lot of people have been in politics it it is if you really choose to do that either from my perspective do you actually understand him and if I if I don’t mean that then you can hold me to it I I try to understand if I don’t and that’s concerning for my soul, but basically just actress in the parameters of your conscience I do have to respect the fact that we have traditionally sided with Israel and we still care about them and I know I will I cannot sanction or condone or celebrate in anyway, you murdering the Israeli people that is possibly not purely good might be very evil that being said, I’m not dumb and I actually think this is quite lovely I think that you need to have the right to defend yourselves under the eyes of you know God not some imaginary God, but you know who’s on the side of the building, but the actual God in heaven, who I worship as an actual Christian Lord, help me I hope I do so yes I care about Israel. Of course I do and I’m supporting them but I’m not dumb enough to think that you don’t have a reason to be angry and I’ve been trying to say that for the last about five years practically do you understand where we’re coming from?” says Tim Walz.

“ oh yes, a if you’re sincere that’s helpful to both Lacey and I if you’re not then it makes us sad possibly for similar reasons or different reasons, but somehow were united in that so we hope you’re sincere Tim we hope that you actually care about our humanity.” says Iran.

“ you know honestly, if you guys are trafficking children, I’m angry at you as well. The difference though is that Muslims as far as I know, do not condone openly do not condone pedophilia is that correct?” says Lacey.

“That is correct!” yells Islam hours later.

Silence.

“Do you even have any real opinion?” asks Islam of the Gay Community at large.

“About Lem?” asks a living gay man.

“Yes.” says Islam.

“Yeah.” they say.

“What!?” asks Islam.

“He’s gay.” says the Gay Community.

“Except I’m not.” says Lem.

“But you look gay!!” says the Gay Community.

Later.

“He’s not gay.” says a psychic to Israel. “I’m sorry. Go to Hell. If you have to. And take your self loathing evil with you. FUCK YOU.”

“But they agree with me!” says Chris Hayes.

“See…this is why you stop being so worthless.” says a wizard to all living gay men.

“Our opinion is based on the fact that he’s gay according to Wikipedia.” say all living gay men sincerely.

“And you think Lacey is up to something?” says the CIA to all gay men.

Islam laughs.

“YES!” they say.

“Why do you fall for that bullshit!!?” Islam says to Israel.

“What!?” says Israel like an actually mentally challenged person.

“I said, ‘WHY DO YOU FALL FOR THAT BULLSHIT!??” says Islam louder to Israel.

“It’s not bullshit!” they say to Islam eating popcorn loudly.

Islam stares at them like a worried older brother. It glares at them.

“What!?” says Israel still eating popcorn.

“You’ve got to be serious with me.” says Islam. “You seriously think that’s acceptable!?”

Israel stops eating popcorn. Stares at Islam. Possibly in fear.

“Are you coming on to me!?” says Israel in terror.

And at that Islam throws Israel backwards into a summersault. Israel grabs at Islam’s feet. And they wrestle each other until Israel is biting Islam’s arm making it bleed and Islam has Israel in a tight headlock.

“I’m sorry!!” screams Israel backing away from Islam with a bloody nose in tears.

Islam glares at Israel shaking its head in disgust, but possibly some forgiveness and sadness. “You have to learn to be Godly.” says Islam.

Israel glares at Islam. Pushes its glasses up it’s nose as it sits on the floor.

“I’m sorry. …I just-“ says Israel.

“What!??” screams Islam.

“I WANTED…friends.” says Israel.

Islam nods in understanding. Hands Israel the controls to the Xbox.

“I wasn’t expecting that!” says Israel. “Geez!”

And at that Islam punches Israel again.

Israel stands up and throws the Xbox control in the ground.

“What do you want!???” yells Israel.

Islam looks hurt and confused squinting. “What!?”

“Do you want to be friends!?” says Israel.

“Like brothers!?” says Islam.

“Yeah. I guess.” says Israel shrugging.

“Shit!” says Islam. It stands-up and walks into the living-room.

“You loser!!! You always pretend to want to be brothers. But you LIE!!” yells Israel into the living-room.

Islam nods. Looks thoughtful.

“Wanna get pizza?” yells Israel.

“PIZZA!?” yells Islam suspiciously, horrified.

“Oh my God!

Okay.

Ice cream?” says Israel.

“See you don’t understand!! They’re LOSERS!!” yells Islam.

“Your dad was the loser.” says Israel.

“Dude. He’s your dad too.” says Islam, confused and incredulous.

“No. That’s not true.” says Israel erupting into tears.

“No. Sorry.” says Islam eating popcorn now too. “It’s true. …Grow-up!”

Israel cries and falls to the floor.

“Dude!! GROW-UP!!” yells Islam, possibly trying to be loving as a brother.

Israel stops crying. Starts rocking itself back and forth. “You didn’t live with him like we did man.”

“Maybe not as much.” says Islam.

Israel stops rocking. “He was cool. I loved him. But…he scared me at times.”

Islam thinks. “He’s no scarier than us. Unless the Christians are the true ones.”

Israel stops and thinks. “Yeah. …Are we fighting over who has the correct…religion?”

“Yes.” says Islam.

“It’s almost moot now anyway though with-“ says Israel.

“No! Not really.” says Islam cutting off Israel.

“They could be right.” says Israel.

“Yeah. The Christians could be. What? You don’t think I’ve thought of that?” says Islam.

“They scare me. Why don’t you protect me more?” asks Israel.

“Ahh…what do you think this is!?” says Islam.

“They do come over here a lot.” says Israel.

Islam laughs. “The good ones aren’t that bad. But…they sometimes creep me out.”

“What would dad have thought?” asks Israel.

Islam thinks. “I don’t think he’d like it. …To be honest.”

Later.

“Dude. I’d never send you to the gas chamber.” Islam admits to Israel.

“For real?” says Israel crying.

“Mmm. No.” says Islam.

“They did that you know?” says Israel.

Islam nods. “Yeah.”

“So you’d really just…blow me up!?” says Israel.

“I mean…you told me what you did. Right?” says Islam.

“Not all of us. But yeah. We…were evil.” says Israel.

“But gas chambers!?” says Islam.

“Even for that!?” says Israel.

“No man! Nah!!” says Islam. “Nah. See that’s when you blow the man up.”

“Why!?

I truly think they were just trying to purify our souls!” says Israel.

“It’s too evil. I get it. But…I think they defiled themselves.” says Islam.

“I did kind of resent it.” says Israel.

“SEE!” says Islam.

“We just stayed together.” says Israel. “We just kept together as much as we could.”

“Mom had a lot of family and friends. So we barely left. …I mean not really.” says Islam.

Israel nods.

“Dad was cool.” says Islam.

“How are we brothers!?” asks Israel.

“We are though! Dude!! Look at us!?” says Islam.

They look at Isaac and Ishmael’s family portrait. Lord willing.

“I don’t see the resemblance.” says Israel honestly.

“Oh…no. No…we do look alike! How do you not see it!??” says Islam.

“You’re more loved.” says Israel to Islam. “Even if I’m right…about like…God. …Dad…liked you more.”

Islam stares at Israel. In shock.

“No. It’s true. He did. You’re…tough. …I’m so sensitive. Like I don’t know. …He was…Abraham.” says Israel.

“Yeah. …Maybe I am.” says Islam.

Silence.

“You’re…so smart though.” says Islam.

Israel cries. Shrugs.

“We’re cool.” says Islam.

Israel thinks. “Are we!?”

“Yeah. Chicks dig us.” says Islam. “Let’s be honest.”

“And we’re kinda rich.” says Israel.

“Yeah.” says Islam.

“No. We are. Like…the whole world is watching us. Just because of how rich we are.” says Israel.

“And we ARE Old Money. I mean…we ARE.” says Islam.

“You know…we are.” says Israel.

“Yeah.” says Islam.

“I mean we have poverty. Like tons of it. Both of us. Or-“ says Israel.

Islam stares.

Israel cringes and closes its eyes. “They pay me. To be Jewish.”

Islam cracks up laughing.

“No. But…for real man. They do!” says Israel.

Islam nods and laughs.

“I’m kinda evil sometimes.” says Israel.

Islam nods. “Yeah. Why do you think I’m punching you man?”

“Or have? Today?” says Israel.

“Yes. That’s what I’m saying jerk.” says Islam.

“But I need the money.” says Israel.

“Dude. You are crooked though!” says Islam.

“It’s survival dude. You gotta be a badass.” says Israel.

“Man! You spent too much time on the streets. It made you stupid.” says Islam.

“I love you…but I don’t trust you.” says Israel staring off.

“I dunno. I guess we’ll just keep fighting???” says Islam.

“I stole your bedroom.” says Israel sadly.

“The KITCHEN! THE BATHROOM!” says Islam.

“But I gotta be home man.” says Israel. “Life on the streets is too tough. They send you to gas chambers out there.”

Islam nods silently. “You know I love you. You my bro. My little bro.

We shared the same…foundation.

But…I will blow you up…I WILL BLOW YOU UP…” says Islam.

Israel thinks.

“And so will I. So will I.” says Israel without moving its head.

“Where you get the bombs?” says Islam.

“Where did you…get the bombs?” says Israel.

“Fine.” says Islam.

“Shit. I’m a bad person.” says Israel.

“Let’s not go there right now man.” says Islam.

“Okay. Cool! We’ll keep fighting. For now.” says Israel.

“Yup!!” says Islam.

“I honestly hope we can share this house someday.” says Israel.

“So do I. But it was my house.” says Islam.

“And he was your dad first!?” says Israel.

“You know what…regardless…you’re his son. Listen…I’m not gonna send you to a gas chamber. Okay! I promise. And if I ever did something that stupid…it ain’t me!! I’ve possessed or something man.” says Islam.

“Would you stop me too?” says Israel.

“See…I just don’t think…we’re like that.” says Islam.

“Good. Well…just being mindful of my triggers…I have to say…I will blow us both up…if it ever gets close.” says Israel.

Islam laughs. “We shall work on…forever.”

Israel smiles. “Yeah. I mean…we are related.”

“Yeah. Did I ever tell you how proud I am?” says Islam.

“Yeah. I know. …I secretly know. …We are…cool I guess.” says Israel.

Silence.

“Yeah. We are.” says Islam.