“Uh Oh” by Lem

(July 31st, 2024 – Afternoon)

“So I’ve told people that Diego reacted poorly to what you said, because he felt you were using it to try to ‘get wit him.’” says Chris Hayes to Lacey.

Lem stares at him. “WHAT!?”

Chris takes a deep breath. “Yes. Back in 2016. He felt that Lacey was writing about her family’s pedigree…because she wanted to alter the conversation to make it easier to convince him to be with her.”

Lem smirks. “I doubt that.”

“Let’s have those conversations again.” says Lacey.

“So…I’m a really big deal. …What difference would having a knighted great granduncle make? …I mean, it was all him putting you anyway. But…his thought was that you were going for an impressive look.” says Chris Hayes. “To impress me.”

“No! It’s that he was a condescending asshole. And so were all his friends.” says Lacey. “You’re all beneath me. …How about that? Let’s out your narcissism. …I’ll really offend you. You’re all peasant dogs compared to me”

Usha Vance laughs.

“No. They are.” says Lacey, matter-of-factly.

Chris breaths more quickly. “Okay. So…it had essentially nothing to do with impressing me?”

“NONE. Zip. Nothing!” says Lem. “In essence. I mean…she was being sadistically bullied by Diego back then so who knows? But…at its core? No.”

“Why did it matter?” he says.

“Because ‘you’ were being really offensive.” says Lem’s mom.

“Do we really seem like peasants?” asks Chris.

“YES!!” yells King Charles II.

“Why is that so offensive?” asks King Charles III.

They all think. “Because it’s gross.” says a dead autistic woman. “You’re…very abrasive. To a gross degree.”

“Yeah. …It’s just…crazy-making.” says Lacey.

“I actually get that.” says a reader.

“Okay. …SHIT.” says Chris. He rubs his forehead.

“Wait why is that so abrasive?” says Casi.

“Because you’re talking to me like…I’m someone else. And it’s just…offensive.” says Lacey. “See…someone talked to this woman who slightly resembles me but isn’t me…and she found them extremely offensive. …I wouldn’t have. Almost at all.”

“Why!?” says Casi’s husband in the afterlife.

“Because to me that’s a perfectly fair question.” says Lacey. “If she can afford a house…why not buy one?”

“But to her it was…triggering. Somehow.” says Lem.

“She could just be another narcissistic influencer. But if she isn’t then…there’s something I don’t understand about her perspective.” says Lacey.

“Okay. People used to ask me rude questions about my car. My old Mercedes. …Like…how was it still running.” says Casi. “You wouldn’t have found that offensive?”

“No. …See…in my mind…it’s always better to buy a house. Unless you have a storm cellar? …And there are other considerations too. But…a house is always preferable. It’s just…a better long-term investment.” says Lacey.

“I competed with you. And you thought it was insane.” says Casi. “Why?”

“Because you were never going to be me. Or like me.” says Lacey.

“She’s right.” says Lem. “There’s no real competition.”

“I would agree with that.” says the woman in the trailer in the afterlife. “She’s way prettier than you. …Let’s be honest.”

“That’s true.” says a perfume collector.

“You know…I knew that.” says Casi.

“Then why? Why bother?” says Lacey. “It’s a waste of time.”

“Because I’m too backward to realize that you just cared about perfume. Okay!? …I felt that people were on their for some narcissistic reason. …And I wasn’t sophisticated enough to realize that a person like you…might be being that objective. And cold. Because you were just…totally focused on the hobby itself.” says Casi.

“Yeah. …Lots of well bred people in her generation are like that. Our parents weren’t totally bourgeois. Or even if they were they were just as consumed by a hobby. As anything else.” says a middle class woman. “So…even as a middle class person…who hated her…and was queer…I knew she wasn’t interested in anything but her viola. Like…she didn’t join orchestra for some narcissistic reason, at least solely. Part of it was the music. At least. …And that’s a huge difference.”

“I’m not like that.” says Casi. She shrugs.

“Yeah. But then why assume she wasn’t either!??” says a male African perfume collector.

“I didn’t think people could ever be that…genuinely aristocratic.” says Casi.

“Where do you think Rick Steve’s aesthetic came from? …It used to be a thing. Even among poorer people.” says Lacey.

“She’s right.” says the trailer park woman.

“Yeah. It’s just about having fun. Just enjoying something. Like a collection. Or a hobby. Or…a sport. That kind of thing.” says Lacey.

“Bowling!” says the woman from the trailer park.

“Some people enjoy that. Just for the sake of bowling.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Bowling’s fun!” says the trailer park woman.

“You guys cannot be real.” says Casi.

“They are. Not everyone is a clinical narcissist, Casi.” says the CIA.

“Fuck!” says a narcissist from Instagram.

“Why were you offended then!?” says Casi.

“I spend too much.” says the woman from the trailer park. “And ‘material things?’ What’s that mean? …That’s Christianese.”

“So you felt hurt? Because she called you materialistic.” says China.

“Yes!” says the woman.

“Why…don’t I get it?” says Casi.

“Because you just can’t.” says a psychologist. “Not right now.”

“Okay. Fine.” says Casi. “So you just felt…creeped out.”

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“Like if a homeless person walked into your house and decided they were really going to be you.” says Casi.

“Yes.” says the woman from the trailer park.

“And Diego did the same thing.” says Chris.

“YES!!” yells King Charles III. “And everyone who backed him up did too.”

“Like me.” says Erin.

“Yup.” says NBC.

“Yeah. She’s right. You have a lot of middle class, ultra wealthy Jews…who hate that she’s right…New Money liberals…and people of that sort…supporting you, Chris. Well…supporting Diego. And unfortunately…she’s right. It’s all kinda weird.

Why didn’t you just…acknowledge she had a point…and let it go? I don’t understand why you kept talking to her. Or rather, Diego.” says a rich Jewish man.

“I was too angry. He was too angry. …It really bothered him. And…he felt…she had to die. Or be tortured. …Because as a Satanist…he felt liberated from his…Christian social restrictions. And so…he felt liberated enough to request she be tortured. Because it simply made him feel…better. More elite. More…valuable.” says Chris.

“Because of his poor Mexican background.” says Donald Trump.

“Yes.” says Chris. “I mean…he had pretensions to great wealth or some pedigree in his family. …But…it wasn’t real. His family was actually just poor. Well…middle class poor. Like…his parents were raised with some higher education. …But…they’d never been as wealthy as the Nesheims. So…they never- It wasn’t as if he had relatives who were multi millionaires from an inheritance, like Lacey. All he had were…normal middle class cousins. …And…like me…his family strived to be better. They were social climbers like me and my family. …So…someone like Lacey hurt. A lot.”

“Yeah. I mean…we do drugs. Or drink too much. Or…hate our life. At least a little. Because…being in a New York City apartment…without family money…is ugly.” says Erin.

“Yeah. It’s true nowadays.

She had $300,000 from her family. And she’d have had more. By age 30. No debt. So…in 2023 she could have had bought a condo in Manhattan for $600,000. Easily. Instead of renting. If she worked at it.” says Lem.

“Yeah. A $400,000 down payment. No debt. And being single?” says Erin. “That’s a huge advantage.”

“That’s her actual…social status?” says a reader. “At age 30. If she’d not married.”

“Yes.” says Lem.

“Even with their…decisions.” says the reader about her parents.

“Yes!” says the woman from the trailer park.

“And Diego thought she was a gold digger?” says this other woman.

“He…did. But he was also trying to find a reason they didn’t make sense together.” says Chris.

“Then why be so cagey about it?” says a man.

“Because he was enjoying using Illuminati witchcraft to flirt with her. Astral projection. Hallucinatory mushrooms to see her aura. …And it was real! …Because it’s witchcraft.” says Chris.

“Was he raised Catholic?” asks a man.

“Yeah??” says Chris. “But…what does that have to do with it?”

“Did he feel guilty?” says the CIA.

“He did. Almost guarantee it.” says a reader.

“Yeah!? I mean…he might have.” says Chris.

“So he started the end of the world?” says a reader.

“Yeah??? …I mean…that’s the theory.” says Chris.