“No, Bobby!” by Lem

Since the last post Bobby has gotten into a fight with JFK.

One Week by Barenaked Ladies plays.

JFK insists Bobby doesn’t understand ancient Egypt. And Bobby insists JFK is insane.

Over what?

Bobby called Lacey an ape. He claimed she was closer to the apes than him. And Jack found that…abhorrent.

“Do any of those people look like apes?” says JFK.

“No. They look like aliens. Which is why I suspect…they were closer to apes.” says Bobby.

“No. They looked ARAB. Today’s ARAB.” says Lacey. “That’s the best thing to compare them to.”

Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked by Cage The Elephant plays. Because there ain’t no rest for Bobby or Jack. The wicked. Regardless.

“Bobby…they look…dark. And…demonically possessed in a way we may not understand. Not…like aliens.” says JFK. “You have no idea why you’re talking about.” he says gently, and patronizingly.

“Those are their ideal selves. Not what they really looked like. I asked a white supremacist.” says Bobby.

“No. They are not photoshopped.

They are dark.” says JFK.

Bobby considers it.

“No. You’re a hack.” says Bobby. “You used family money to do what I did.”

“Geez. You’re tired. That doesn’t even make sense.” says JFK. “You don’t understand.

They weren’t…normal.”

“They looked genuinely like those people!?” says Bobby.

JFK stares at him. “I can’t understand you.” He sighs. “I have met God and tried to neatly arrange things so many times to let go. It is hard for me. Okay!? …And every time you mess things up!” yells JFK.

“That’s it. Now they’re just arguing over the authenticity of Egyptian hieroglyphics as historical evidence.

I’m glad JFK has called out Bobby for being problematic. But I’m done. I’m not going to record an argument between Bobby and JFK over hieroglyphics that’s based largely on ego.” says Lacey. “Alright, almost entirely on ego. As entertaining and silly as it might be.

I’m going to start editing.”

“One last word. For now.” says Matthew. “If what is required in this country to raise a family is to be extremely rich…and violent…or dumb, sheltered, middle class, and insecure…then the country will implode. People will completely stop having children in 30 years. If you’re even still alive.”

Later.

“The idea of the Illuminati was to be able to be free. To do whatever you want.” says Louis to Lacey.

“I’d just kill everyone now though. After having a massive mandatory Christian revival.” says Lacey. “So I don’t think it works.”

“No. We tolerate anything. It’s just you have join.” says Queen Camilla.

“Well I don’t want to.” says Lacey.

“What would you have wanted before we found you?” asks the Illuminati.

Lacey thinks. “The same thing. I just didn’t know it.”

“So a sort of Christian Holocaust?” asks a woman.

“Yes. Except as a mass and total extinction of all humanity.” says Lacey. “Forever.”

“No. She’s not actually your foe. That’s just her whim and fancy.” says God. “And that’s the premise according to you all of the Illuminati.”

“So we’d convert to Christianity. Die easy deaths. And then?” says Queen Camilla.

“And then I collect my $20, go home, eat, do my homework…and sleep.” says Lacey.

“She means that poetically, so to speak.” says Matthew.

“True!” says Lacey.

“We are exhausting!” say the Boomers. “And exhausted.”

“Yup! So…I’d just end it.” says Lacey. “All done.” she says cheerfully. “All done!”

“Going home now? Going home?” says Louis.

“Yes. Exactly! Going home.” says Lacey. “All done.” she says cheerfully.

“Bye bye!” says Louis.

“See you later, world!” says Lacey with Louis as they wave goodbye.

“You’re right. This doesn’t work. …Part of the idea was to let Satan help you. …And if the world ended and there was a massive revival for Christ…he’d be out of luck. So…I doubt he’ll help you.” says Louis.

“Mmm. I think they could almost make it happen anyway. …Or come close. …But…I know. At the end of the day…he’d have to watch his own game.” says Lacey.

“You wouldn’t have wanted anything else?” says Louis.

“No. I’m too angry and repulsed.” says Lacey.

Will Smith laughs.

“Yeah.” says Lacey.

“Even as a child?” says Louis.

“Nope!” says Lacey. “My parents didn’t love me Louis. I had no siblings. My friends were cruel. …I’m very unimpressed with the current age, so to speak.”

“So by attacking her we’re accidentally manifesting the end of the world.” says the Illuminati.

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” says Jonah.

Later.

“Jonah?” says God. “Do you read this blog?”

Anyway.

Turns out…the Kennedys knew Lem was straight. But they let themselves and Jack believe that you could turn a gay man straight or defile him if necessary. They felt they were hot enough to get away with anything. Yes…THEY KNEW. Like…they knew they knew. …They didn’t think Lem was a normal gay man. But Jack wanted to be with a straight man. Because he felt he was straight too. And not a “faggot” like a real gay man. …So…even though they believed he was straight (secretly) they looked the other way.

And that’s the problem with the Democratic Party. It just obstinately looks the other way. And you…just…can’t…do…that.

The Kennedys knew Lem was straight.

“So they thought that Jack was a homosexual and they thought that Lem was a gullible little cuck but that somehow if it made Jack happy to take advantage of him that it was fine because they thought Lem was handsome and kind of posh old money company and so it’s like this guy is kind of like discount old money and there’s something kind of cool about the fact that we’ve got him going in the family thinking that he’s like one of us or that he means something to us and he kind of does in a way, but it’s really more just about like appeasing Jack and his massive violent ego?” says a reader.

“Yes, yes they actually- Well that’s pretty much- That’s very close to what they thought.” says Lem.

Later.

A Game of Croquet by Johann Jóhannsson plays.

“My sister is very beautiful.” says Matthew Nesheim.

“But Lacey doesn’t know that. Because she’s extraordinarily beautiful…and nobody cares. So to her…in her innocence…my sister is…normal. And…she’s just beautiful. That’s what she really thinks. Even if she adjusts her scale to try to decipher actual reality more accurately.

I was unusually handsome. Unusually good. And unusually wise.

Here, They Used To Build Ships by Johann Jóhannsson plays.

*I pause to think*

Why…couldn’t you just leave us alone? WHY!?” he yells at the guilty ones.

The song plays.

2:14

“We live simple lives.” says Bethany. “We’re rich. But…apparently not rich enough. And we’re Old Money…but apparently that meant nothing. …Because my brother is dead. My dear, kind, loving, sweet brother.”

“No. It meant something. …It meant you’re like us. I died too.” says Michael Rockefeller.

“They don’t have a clue.

But the way they see it…is that if you’re threatening but not threatening enough people have a right to attack you. Might makes right. …And while Donald Trump knew better…the Democrats did not.

Your oil…is DEADLY. And no I don’t mean to the environment. To everyone. And Lacey uses it like a sharp iron sword. In battle. Your family is safer than if she didn’t. But they refuse to accept her rights.” says JD Rockefeller.

“I’m your President. If necessary.” says Tsar Putin. “And I’d kill for your family.”

“He’s our tsar.” says Russia, proudly.

2:35

“How does the oil hold that much power?” asks Tim Walz.

“It’s OIL.

Think on a practical level. And think on a spiritual level. It’s everywhere. LITERALLY.

Their oil…from their land…IS EVERYWHERE.” says JD Rockefeller. “People think sprinkling cinnamon does something but this is like that…everywhere.”

“So they own us all. Spiritually?” says Dmitry.

JD Rockefeller nods. “Yeah. Basically.”

The song ends.

Silent pause.

I Only Have Eyes For You by The Flamingos plays.

Later.

De-Tuned Quartet by Jonny Greenwood plays.

“I heard gossip.” says a dead woman in the future.

1:13

Proven Lands by Jonny Greenwood plays

This dead woman from the future is dark, very beautiful, southern and kind.

0:29

“I once sat in the back of my parent’s car. Drinking Southern Comfort, my favorite thing to drink. …And I contemplated killing myself.

That was my favorite drink. Southern Comfort.” says Maggie from Pennsylvania.

Why?

“I was a drug addict. And I had serious mental health problems. …And I was a closeted homosexual teenager.” says Maggie.

“Your favorite drink was southern comfort?” asks Pat.

“Not you. The drink.” says Maggie.

Pat laughs. “I know.”

“WEIRD.” says Lacey.

1:10

“You know who you look like? Me.” says Lacey to Pat. “Bobby do you find her attractive?”

“Yes.” he admits.

“Who sacrificed Matthew?” says Lacey.

1:40

The song ends.

HW/ Hope of New Friends by Jonny Greenwood plays.

Lacey’s husband walks in under their crystal chandelier and drinks a glass of water. With a dark hood up on his dark sweatshirt. And oddly the way he’s dressed and his manner suggests the popular image of the Angel of Death.

0:57

Silence.

“Was it you?” Lacey asks the Catholic Church.

“No.” says the Catholic Church.

“Who?” says Lacey.

“What if…I’m helping?” says Kick Kennedy Cavendish to Lacey, with a wink.

Liquid Spears Waltz by Michael Andrews plays.

0:13

“Why?” asks Lacey.

“You.” says Pat.

“How did they know!?” says Lacey,

“Do you even know?” says Pat.

0:54

“It was so blooming obvious.” says Pat.

“Blooming. Black. From Bloomington.” says Lacey. “Banks.”

“Billings.” says Pat.

“Billy.” says Kick.

“It just goes around and round and round. Nothing changes. You just get trapped in it and that’s why I wanted to kill myself.” says Maggie.

“But what’s true?” says Lacey.

“You loved Lem then. And do now too.” says Pat..

“What do you think could have happened?” says Lacey.

“It’s blooming obvious. …You could have married your cousin. …But no one thought of it. …Now, where I’m from…it happens all of the time. But I guess y’all don’t do that.” says Pat in the afterlife.

“It’s not socially acceptable anymore.” says Queen Elizabeth II.

“But I find it disturbing and so do lots and lots of dead people.” says Pat.

The song ends.

Phantom Thread II by Jonny Greenwood plays,

0:09 plays. “What’s sad…is that he’s dead. And she’s fighting for her life. And yet she still can’t tell us.” says a dead woman from Nebraska.

“I tried to see her. As a last attempt at sorting out my life.” says Matt.

0:18

“A walk. Then Christmas. Then Thanksgiving. Too bad.” says Pat.

We see the that. If we try to imagine it.

1:07

“I don’t understand. What is so…dark?” asks a Jewish actor who played George Costanza.

1:43

“Her marriage is dead! His was probably too! …What do you think it is!?” says Iran to the Jewish actor.

The Jewish actor stares at Iran.

“But she loved Lem, regardless.” says Pat Wilson.

“Does her family read this blog?” asks the CIA.

“Oh! I bet they do!” says Patience.

“Who sacrificed my younger brother-in-Christ?” asks Lem, half jokingly.

“Someone in my administration.” admits Joe Biden.

“So he was looking for meaning…and she avoided seeing him…because she was scared he was possibly attracted to her. And might try something.” says Patience. “Are you deep, Matthew?”

“Yes.” he says.

She smiles and nods. “She is too.”

“I was…in a very dark place.” he says.

“Did I make the right choice?” says Lem.

“Why in the world…did you think I was up to no good!?” says Matt, thoughtfully. You can’t read minds.

“Matt…I’m sorry I didn’t try talking to you! …I had a very uneasy feeling about it. But I just couldn’t manage it.” says Lacey.

“You felt scared to not get together?” says Matt.

“I felt scared by both options.” says Lacey.

“Well…whatever could have happened…didn’t. And…what exactly would have made a better life, right? To be married, and settled down, and then kill yourself…or to have an affair with your second cousin and stay alive to raise your kids?” says Lem.

3:03

“Why did you kill yourself again?” says Lem.

“I felt useless. I worked. But…not-

I wrote. …But I just felt useless. Totally…useless. And guilty. And…horribly depressed.” says Matthew.

“I’m sorry. …If I’m real…” says Lem.

“If he’s real…and he is…he didn’t want to risk even a minuscule chance of watching you make love with his beloved wife.” says a dead Englishman.

3:35

“Nor did he think you’d do it. You loved your family.” says another dead Englishman.

“Why did you do it?” says a gay perfume collector in India to Matthew.

The song ends.

“I hung myself. …Why?” asks Mary.

“Because I felt…useless. Because I laid in bed all day. And couldn’t…do much of anything. And I felt I was a bad influence on my kids. I was…so…grumpy. And…I didn’t think I was useful.” says Matt.

A love scene that never was plays through Lem’s head.

“This is extremely disturbing.” says a man in Grant from a hotel.

“Lacey and I are going to visit our family in Grand Forks.” says Matt. “Never happens.”

Never Cursed by Jonny Greenwood plays.

Joe exits Pat Wilson’s bedroom. Kick walks by, looks up at him and smiles.

Joe straightens out his clothes and hair.

1:28

“Dear…GOD.” says Lacey to God pleadingly.

“Let’s just say it. …We’d have made love in the woods.” says Lem.

I’ll Follow Tomorrow by Jonny Greenwood plays.

“We’d have not.” says Matt. “We’d have been better.”

The song plays.

“Shoot.” says Lacey, very primly in a manner she uses to deflect away from her own soul. Because she scares herself often.

0:20

“How are men supposed to know who’s best?” says Lacey.

“Because life is beyond moments.” says Lem. “We exist beyond moments.”

“No. It isn’t. …That’s the problem.” says Lacey.

1:02

“You’ll never be with anyone but me unless God says otherwise.” says Lem.

The song restarts.

May and Nathaniel kiss.

Later.

“We’d have become lovers.” says Matthew. “Right? Or is that a movie?”

“Are we serious?” says Lacey.

He thinks. Furrows his brow.

“Yeah.” he says. “I loved Kate. You dearly wanted your marriage to work. …But days could be gone…and then…everything would be fine…and we’d have become inseparable. Close. A lot closer than you’d ever think. …And yet…as grand as your company would be…when we died…you’d be happy to be with Lem.”

“Oh.” says Lacey, smiling.

He laughs. “Of course!” he says in awe.

“Goody. She must be wonderful.” says Lacey.

1:00

“Well…it never happened. We never saw each other.” says Matthew.

“Then what is that?” asks Lacey of God. “No. What’s best…is always what’s best.”

“Yes, what is that? says Lem “I HATE IT!”

“Something for me to fix.” says God. “And only I can be God.”

“Goodnight! I’m incredibly sorry Matthew.” says Lacey.

“Lacey…I picked you up. In the dream. It’s OKAY.” says Matt.

The song ends.

And this is what we hear.