“Erin Explains Social Class” by Lem as he listens to Erin

Skippy Handelman sits and waits.

“Did you get laid? Like the evil Americans promised you you would?” asks Islam.

Skippy laughs. “No.” he says, however, with sudden seriousness.

Islam laughs. “GOOD MAN!”

Susanne Little laughs. “So she literally just wrote about it?”

“Close.” he says.

“Too close?” says Islam.

“Far, far too close.” he says.

“So then only Lem is having sex with her?” asks Susanne.

“YUP.” For years.” says Skippy.

Cars drive by.

“Give or take a few times with Micheal Rockefeller.” says Skippy. “And writing. And…with Michael it was about a year ago.”

“Balsamic LILAC!??” scoffs the Perfume Table Of Flowers.

Lacey eats ice cream for sugar so her brain can thrive.

“I was thinking of balsamic lilacs.” says Lacey.

“Like…vinegered-“ says Alisha, scoffing.

“Yes. But vinegar isn’t necessarily gross. And it’s not just…nothing.” says Lacey.

“You’re GROSS!!!” says Alisha to Lacey who’s fat. She walks off with her huge feet.

“Come back here! …How am I gross?” says Lacey, elegantly.

“Have you heard of the saying, ‘A piss in vinegar?’” says Alisha.

“Yes!” says Lacey, slightly excitedly.

“Well I think of that!” says Alisha.

Lacey thinks. “What does that saying even mean?” she says.

“Oh. You don’t even know that saying!?!” says Alisha.

“I’ve heard it! …But what does it really mean?” says Lacey.

Alisha thinks. “It’s a piss. Like pee. In vinegar.”

“Why…in the world…would anyone…be peeing in vinegar!??” says Lacey.

“Oh shit.” says Alisha. “Okay…so…it’s not-“ Alisha goes from crying to laughing.

She collects herself.

“It’s not about peeing in vinegar.” she stammers between laughs.

“Then why are they discussing pee in vinegar? What an odd and disgusting thing to discuss.” says Lacey.

Alisha stands in awe. “You really think we’re that crass and stupid?!?!?”

“I plead The Fifth my dear, go on!” says Lacey.

She thinks. “Well that’s what I think of when I think of vinegar.”

“Why!? Vinegar is absolutely delicious!” says Lacey.

“Okay!?” she says.

“It’s very healthy for you. It’s fun! I love vinegar! I don’t-I don’t know what your problem is with vinegar.” says Lacey.

“Lacey you like fried foods, but I bet you especially like pickled fried foods.” says a southerner.

“Yes, I love fried pickles!! I might like-I might like fried pickled herring as well. That could be really quite delicious.” says Lacey.

“Alisha do you have a domination problem with Lacey?” asks the CIA.

She’s quite.

“Why don’t you just explain to us what the fuck it is you’re talking about. Because there are a lot of cultures that like pickled things.” says the CIA.

“What pickled things do you like?” asks Islam.

Lacey thinks. “You know I like bitter herbs as well. I like tea with milk. I can’t help but think it’s sort of like the Asian umami, but I wonder if it’s sort of European?” 

She thinks.

“I didn’t realize you were a white woman. I thought you were black.” says the perfume community to Lacey.

“How the fuck does that make sense?!?” says Dmitry.

“I was not black in Egypt Dimitri, calm down.” says Lacey. She sighs. “Let’s see: pickled carrots, pickled beets, pickles…pickled watermelon rinds…pickled herring…does sauerkraut count?” asks Lacey.

“Hmm.” says Elsie. “More on that later!”

“Pickled…LILACS?” says Dmitry.

“Well…what…is…PERFUME?” says Lacey.

“Hmm. No. I follow.” says Elsie.

“Anyway even if it’s not quite right and it’s not all just pickled in some sense because there is a difference between the oils of a flower versus a fresh cut flower…I liked the idea of a balsamic scent with a note of lilac, and I liked the idea of even pickled lilacs.” says Lacey.

“So balsamic perfume makes sense fine because it’s not like actual vinegar it’s balsamic.” says a man in France. “I don’t know what that woman’s problem is I feel like she tried to contort you in her head just like a lot of other people because they were perversely jealous of you, and they just couldn’t breathe without hating you somehow.

So that annoys me.

But as I was trying to say and I don’t quite grasp the concept. Forgive me if I’m missing something. Of pickled lilac!?” a Muslim man says.

Lacey laughs, “You know, I may have a very fraught relationship with lilacs. I may have a very love-hate relationship with the – seriously – with lilacs. I’m not sure why. I absolutely love the smell of lilac. It’s one of my favorite notes.

When I was a little girl, I once tried to dry lilacs in our backyard in the oven to make potpourri.  The whole house stank of lilac. So that’s why I’m saying I’m wondering if there’s some evil thing we’re lilacs both love me and hate me at the same time. I really wouldn’t know that would be up to God to sort through. 

But when I invented the name, balsamic lilac and lilacs and styrax, I really didn’t think there was a problem with a balsamic dressing with a note of lilac. I think subconsciously I knew that it was poisonous, most likely, and so it wouldn’t be possible to actually eat lilac. I hope I remembered that. But I don’t think people are quite as sophisticated as me and I don’t think they’ve probably eaten flowers or gold and I have, and if it wasn’t poisonous, the lilacs actually could be very good in a balsamic dressing. It would be beautiful too actually.” says Lacey.

“Which flowers have you eaten?” says Asia.

“You know I don’t make a habit of just eating flowers so don’t get tripped up on that one dear but I’ll find them for you if it’s necessary.” says Lacey.

“Those are literally the kind of flowers you ate!?” yells Asia.

“Ahh…yes, those are literally the kind of flowers that I recall eating.” says Lacey.

“So you’re imagining that those flowers could be pickled?” says Asia, making an ass of itself to Lacey.

“Do you have a brain or is brain missing now? Where it go? In garbage! Uh oh!” says Lacey.

An Asian man laughs with Lacey.

“I mean what the fuck is this? Don’t try to imitate me to shame me into being what? a white trash whore for you? who the fuck are you, you worthless nothing?” says Lacey. 

“Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my God!” says Asia freaking out.

“Can you slow your roll and stop spinning out?” yells Lacey.

They stop.

“I have to admit that actually sounds good. I don’t think it’s Asian, but I wouldn’t rule it out.” says Asia.

“Why is that even a fucking question to you? Why do you even care if it’s Asian!? What difference does that make?” yells Lacey.

“Someone was still hoping you were JFK. But obviously it’s probably not a Japanese dish and I think that person is stretching it.” says a Korean woman.

“No it’s actually something I invented.

You you know I’m not without a brain. Mine ain’t in trash. You understand niggar speak?” asks Lacey.

“OK I just don’t like that you’re smart.” admits Asia.

“So does that mean that you actually had to fight us and you might’ve lost at least occasionally? Am I being patronizing? Should I bow to you 15 fucking times to make it up to you assholes?” says Lacey. “What if I said Hail Mary backwards and shook my ass and then raped Lem? Would I be a national folk hero to you then? I sure hope not!! I’d like to see some of you in Heaven!”

“I don’t think we’re that dishonorable.” says Asia.

“Then why do you want me to be ugly and stupid and JFK?” says Lacey.

“Are you hurt?” asks China.

“When is one of the women in your country not a jealous bitch? And I would love to meet an Asian man who’s not a conniving robot? What do you have against me and my husband? I don’t recall ever hating you. Should I apologize for that?

Yes, I am hurt!” yells Lacey.

“That’s baffling.” says China.

“You know I’m a bit suspicious of it myself. I cannot believe you’re all pure evil robot zombie freaks.” says Lacey.

“You’ve literally never seen an Asian person who is kind?” says China.

“Basically no I have not.

There’s only- I feel like I’ve talked to a few Asian people. But see I don’t know if this is real or not. Who could be kind.

And and logic would lead me to believe that it’s not likely that you’re not without anyone kind. I I can’t quite believe that although it’s possible maybe but but during the pandemic, there was a man who was laying on the ground who had died of Covid somewhere in China and I looked at him and I thought, ‘he looks kind.’ other than him I don’t think I’ve actually ever seen anyone. No I’m sorry that sounds bizarre but I’m telling you the truth as far as I can recall it.” says Lacey.

“ hey are we ready for an adult conversation or not?” North Korea asks China. “ I don’t think you people seem like adults. This is stupid as fuck you admitted that you’re jealous of her now she’s trying to figure out how to relate to you. You’re wasting time and I’m sick of it.” He thinks. “ you can’t keep licking Caroline Kennedy‘s ass so whatever the hell it is your problem is you don’t think I think you’re stabbing boot in the back you are Eddie perfectly honest with you you’ll pay for it and I’m not interested sweetie she’s not an idiot you might be compared to her grow up.”

They think.

“ I happen to know Putin and I happen to know that this is very personal to him. I know it’s very personal to me as well, and I’m sorry that China hasn’t been invited yet to Hermès. Maybe if you buy more of their handbags you’ll suddenly become French and pretty like them. “ says North Korea to China. “ I mean what fucking shit is that you think you think you think I respect that you think she’s going to respect that no, you’re a bunch a kiss ass desperately white faced losers.

Just be your own fucking self be Asian if that even is that even a thing anymore do we have our own clothing designers? Do we have our own aesthetic? I think we do we do in North Korea I’m sorry China apparently is too dumb to look out the window.

Yeah, she knew David song David song actually she knew Christopher Chris Fong his father was David funky owned a Chinese restaurant but he’s American you people like the differentiation between China and American China correct or are you con artist like the Jews. I mean can you conflate more bullshit so we waste time or not?

I actually kind of can imagine putting flowers in a drastic a salad dressing I mean this picture of the salad with the flowers it was an accident that’s where she’s a ditz, but it’s not stupid. Could you keep up in the back of her head oh, maybe it’s appropriate to post this, but that’s as far as it might have gone because she’s she’s kind of a ditz, and then you have this whole stupid idea that she’s always going to be conniving and up to something that’s not her energy. She’s not a man I’m sorry and that’s why I don’t have to worship your God.

No, in North Korea you’re allowed to be a woman and you don’t have to be dual energy bullshit. She’s just a woman and she’s rather ditzy. I’m sorry.

So I think she was thinking of a salad dressing with flowers in it or something like that some sort of balsamic dish with carrots and flowers actually, that does sound good doesn’t it or beats and flowers maybe if you added cabbage, that could be kind of Asian why are we doing this right now? I mean it’s making me hungry for some thing but I just won’t understand.” says North Korea.

“ no do you think we’re cowards or cucks to keep buying Hermes?” says China to Lacey.

“ yes, I do actually, I also think it’s insulting that you think you can fool us into to thinking you’re better than us by culturally appropriating white culture” says Lacey.

“ it’s just beautiful.” says China.

“ you know I bet that’s true for you to appoint and then part of me thinks you’re a pretty little white girl from England.” says Lacey. “ there could be some of you who are this is reincarnation, but that’s a different topic. How about that for the moment you’re Asian and you are not going to fool me into thinking that you’re Asian doesn’t matter just because you purchased an Hermès bag.”

“ do you seriously think we’re trying to fill ourselves in full you both into thinking that we’re white and richer than you and better than you?” says China.

“ do you want them to just come out and say we beat the shit out of Asia or not because they did!” yells Japan at China.

“ but you know, I think we had decided that it was honorable because we felt it was honorable, and somehow you agreed to that I suspect, and we agreed that you’d been honorable and intelligent, and that it was sort of like a luck of the draw kind of temporary victory but then that’s the thing. Why are you repeating that now? Oh what is this I’m just I’m baffled.” says Lacey.

“ no you won.” says China patronizingly.

“ no but we actually did we actually won you can’t say that was the story we kicked your fucking ass we really did darling. Sorry you weren’t there you lying ass.” says Lem.

“ I change Kik to kiss it, make a big difference in the world.” says JFK sincerely. “ then I make a fart, but now she turned it into a victory for herself and God, I can’t figure out how old a possible.”

“ hey do you know I would love to talk about the oil with you at some point Lacey but I suspect that we should wait.” says China.

“ just admit that we won before. Unless you seriously think that was an error.” says Lacey.

“ I don’t know probably wasn’t do you think it was?” says China.

“ no I’m sorry I’ll have to ask Lem. You’ll have to hold on for a second.” says Lacey. “ it’s hard for me to believe because I am so strict with what I believe to be honorable and dishonorable but apparently I go to far because this they’re claiming they want honorably so there you go you should probably admit that.”