“MINE” by Lem

A Beautiful Mine by RJD2 plays.

Putin rests his head on his hand, sleepily. Staring at a lovely table of lit up maps. In a white, sleek, elegant war room.

The table is lit from within. It’s gorgeous. PERFECT for examining beautiful maps made of beautiful paper. And yet as it’s Russian it’s real.

He drinks his coffee. From a mug. Just coffee. Not espresso. He’s not poor. But he’s also quite authentic, as Millennials would say.

He’s just as sexy as Don Draper. Especially if you find Roman Emperors attractive.

He’s quite rough! But also genuinely refined. Grand. Epic. Rare. Incredibly handsome.

He smirks. Stares down at his papers.

He’s exhausted.

2:59

“My GOD you’re miserable.” says Louis Hill Junior to Tsar Vladimir, empathetically.

Vladimir smirks.

He talks to Louis.

Louis looks at the maps. Studies them. Eats a danish. An apple danish.

They get along.

As friends.

“How exactly were they going to invade last night?” asks Lacey.

“I’m actually a real person. Possibly. In Heaven. For real. And I feel concerned. …I’m watching.” says Don Draper.

“Shut-up. I don’t want to hear what you have to say. You remind me of Lacey and it’s just like shut-up, just shut-up. Just shut your trap! Just shut up!” says JFK to Don Draper.

The song ends.

Don expected that narcissistic backlash from JFK.

“Does Lacey remind you of Anna?” Matt Weiner asks Don.

“YES!” he says.

Transatlantic by Quantic plays.

0:34

And the song cuts off.

This Is Not A Tango by The Juju Orchestra plays.

“Is that OVER?” asks Lacey.

0:36

An Asmat puts Lacey to sleep with a drum beat that’s paternal and loving.

“Yes.” says Nelson Rockefeller.

“That’s my dad.” says Lacey about the drumbeat.

“That’s shoulder?” says an angel.

“Yup! I haven’t slept this well in this part of my brain for years!” says Lacey. “I can physically feel a part of my brain sleeping. Even though I’m conscious.”

“They had to keep that part of your brain constantly conscious to fool you.” says Nelson Rockefeller.

Later.

“ there was a bit too much of an advantage in Putin‘s favor after last night if there’s no illuminati, it was a little carried away and it’s not that Lacey necessarily did anything wrong in writing what she chose to write whatever that may have even been him, but it’s more that we’re just seeing some glaring power and balances between our self and Russia that we hadn’t quite acknowledged, possibly due to narcissism in the US leader ship communities, and so as of today we had to sort of find a way to sort of quiet people just to take a moment to sort of reflect on the situation and just keep things honorable it’s possible that Putin has a little too much of an advantage and it really is actually perverse because them was straight and he was never in love with Jack. He never really got that confused and the gay community doesn’t even seem to understand the word confusion anymore seemingly to and that’s really disturbing but anyway, maybe they never did you know, but the thing is we can’t tolerate it because it’s just kind of weird and inappropriate so we just decided to keep things kind of chill for a while today and in the afterlife am I am actually a genius of unusual proportions. At least he knows that him and other people do to know, and I am in the afterlife. Yes, I am choose to be helpful in this particular part of the story with God’s divine intervention.” says Bill Rhea.

Later.

When Lacey first started talking to the Illuminati she kept playing My Trigger by Miike Snow.

It’s about JFK’s perversion in relation to Lacey.

However…that’s not JFK

That’s Vladimir Putin.

And that’s not Lacey. Nor Marilyn. That’s a charming Russian woman.

And this is JFK. Trying to be “Whiter”

“ the idea is that the showgirls show up from hell that works for my father because my father is Thomas Banks is that supposed to be the idea that this is what I think it supposed to mean Vladimir is in a position of actually taking care of the United States and Russia, in a sense, and JFK is just sort of an idiot who thinks that he’s some sort of Russian leader, but he’s just some sort of madman and at the very end, Vladimir opens his chest and doves of peace and love fly out as he interprets the dancers as clowns as do I and he’s normal and so my sexually where is JFK interprets him as his mother he is shouting, mom, mom and then Vladimir and I say no they’re clowns sweetie that’s not your mother and then he’s stifled by that but he thinks he knows everything and so doves start shooting out of his mouth instead of his chest because he’s a freak who has weird fucking birds coming out of his mouth and then in the end I guess because the people who wrote the song didn’t understand history they assumed that somehow they’re a lot alike and they both have nuclear weapons and war is bad and somehow they’re both gay they’re not but I guess people think they are or that JFK isn’t gay and Vladimir is which is not true him even though they are American president is a better dancer than the Russian president in the music video arguably but I would say that Russians are generally better protesters than most Americans I mean that’s sort of at same typical but I actually think it’s probably true some of the best ballet stars and the entirety of history have been Russian that’s just facts. The Russian ballet is epic so it would be particularly surprising if Vladimir was probably a bit better at dancing than JFK, anyway it doesn’t make him gay it just means that he’s better at dancing but the thing is the I love actually love this song but it’s it’s very confused in the end in my opinion because they both just like it’s like oh and I don’t know I guess we’re both messed up and you’re actually Russian and I am American or maybe whoever made the video got confused and thought the Vladimir was supposed to be JFK and that JFK was more of the Russian weirdo like the Mike Myers movie that character does look like the Mike Myers character Dr. evil so I think you thought that that would be the Russian that the Russian would be like Dr. evil and not JFK because JFK is the straight one who’s handsome and sleeping with Marilyn Monroe let me in that’s a Marilyn Monroe look like even though it’s actually a woman who looks arguably more Russian than Marilyn Monroe and ironically she does have her fingernails painted very similar similarly to mine but that’s not quite what I look like either that woman look smart like she’s a Russian so I think somebody got confused. I think they were trying to be accurate and artistic and it’s actually very good song, but it’s a little mixed up even though it’s accurate and someways I think it’s Bella still a little mixed up it’s a little disconcerting because I don’t think they just both decided to just sit down stair and shocking off, because I can’t believe that they have the authority to you know using nuclear missile that’s part of foreign policy that’s been a little screwed up the idea of mutual assured destruction I don’t know that that’s quite as real as people have thought that it was.” says Lacey.

The song replays.

“ the music video is better than then the song itself. There’s something about the timing that feels different in the music video video that is just somehow better. That being said yes, I am giving you a bit of a hint about who Vladimir Putin has watched the music video that’s Vladimir Putin, but he’s not the Russian he’s the United States president and he looks straighter than that actor does.” says Lacey.

She watches the music video.

“ and yes, the music video the beginning in the White House I don’t think the White House is ever looked that aristocratic or posh the White House is never had that lighting. The White House is never had that Colouring the White House is never looked that regal or aristocrat it it just hasn’t it hasn’t, I think people think that it did during the Kennedy administration but it didn’t and I don’t think that limb could fix it even if he tried because it’s just not what it looks it’s just not right it just doesn’t look like that.” says Lacey. “ my house looks like that on occasion the hill mansion looks like that on occasion there are a lot of very beautiful homes in Minnesota all over the state that look like that frequently and I would bet there are other homes in Virginia and up other places that have that sort of look on occasion but I’m not sure that’s his cabin anymore Cuz frankly I think you people are getting to be a little too new money but in the upper class but I still have that and England still had that when I last was there and I’d like to hope that it’s still there it’s a very aristocratic lighting. It’s a very aristocratic look it’s not easy to create. It requires some sort of soulful understanding of light and color and I don’t think that it is respectful to assume that I’m an idiot all the time about stuff like this they may not even be safe, beyond that beyond that beyond that also um, isn’t it creepy? Isn’t it creepy that homes of wealthy upper class people in America look like that but not in the leader ship in America the White House doesn’t look like that but individual homes do how is that functional?” says Lacey..

Later.

“Hi Lem! Oh Hi!” says JFK when Lem first dies.

“Hi.” says Lem, snobbishly. Rejecting him.

Jack rejects him rejecting him. He chooses to perversely ignore the truth.

“SO! Big news, Lem.” says JFK.

Lem stares at him.

“So…I did something unusual.” says JFK.

“What’s…that?” asks Lem, with disdain and trepidation.

“Okay! BIG NEWS!” says JFK.

Lem looks extremely disturbed.

“I made your lover…that woman…Lacey Banks…Jesus’s twin fwame.” says JFK. “Tawin flamah.” says JFK trying to speak correct English.

“YOU MADE MY TWIN FLAME…JESUS’S TWIN FLAME!?!” screams Lem, in profound terror.

“It’s okay! No big deal.” says JFK, physically incapable of moving temporarily.

“THEY’RE GOING TO PERVERSELY CRUCIFY HER FOR YOUR SINS???!?” bellows Lem.

“Yeah. So…” says JFK. “WELCOME TO MY LOVE HOUSE!”

“WHAT HAPPENED TO MY CHILDREN!!?” screams Lem.

“I SENT THEM TO HELL! For Satan to take care of. It’s just us. Just…US.” says JFK.

“YOU SENT MY CHILDREN TO HELL!?!?” says Lem quite sure he’s rejected Christ, but yet also quite sure he hasn’t.

Later. Christ takes Lem away from Jack and talks to him individually.

“Lem you don’t understand JFK. At all.” explains Jesus.

“Oh! I know. He’s an asshole!” says Lem.

“NO! You REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND HIM!!” yells Jesus.

Lem thinks. Looks uneasy.

“How does that-“ says Lem.

“You and Lacey are together for eternity. However…you’re both miserable. And…today she was tempted to sleep with Tsar Vladimir Putin. And she resisted. …Could you have resisted?” asks God, crying.

“Yes!” says Lem.

“She wouldn’t expect that!!” says God.

“She wouldn’t have expected that at all.” says Jesus.

“Oh! Okay! So Jack ruined my eternity?” says Lem. “Just because my HIDEOUS family doesn’t understand that you can’t be kind to losers who use people, like Jack Kennedy?”

“How are they hideous Lem?” says Jesus.

“YOU KNOW HOW!!!” yells Lem. “THEY RUINED MY BRAIN!!!”

“We did love you.” says his dad.

“BUT YOU CONFUSED ME!!!” yells Lem.

“Yes. We did.” says his dad. “Lemmers, we’ll sort it out, sonny!”

“Lem! Don’t worry, darling!” says his mother.

“I COULD STRANGLE YOU BOTH!! YOU CASTRATED ME!!” yells Lem.

Erich Korngold’s Violin Concerto plays on behalf the “fellow Americans” Lem’s family wished to help.

Lacey listens. And enraged wraps nooses around their necks while laughing hysterically.

They look at her confused.

“Will these kill us?” asks one of them.

“Are you pure evil? Or that evil?” asks Lacey.

“No!” he says.

“THEN NO! You shall learn how to lasso a horse, cow or bull if you so desire! All is well.” says Lacey, happily.

“I’d like to lasso the moon!” says a woman with a worn wool coat. She almost makes Lacey cry. But Lacey’s tears all are gone. So Lacey merely slightly wets her eyes, blinks and makes a slightly funny temporary expression.

“How evil was that!?” she asks God.

“Very evil!” says God. “You’re an ugly woman wish jealous. But you pretended to care.”

She’s suddenly strangled by a rope that pulls her up and into the air. She’s drug off and thrown into a pile of people who God has to sort through.

“I wonder. Did she just want to see what it was like to be hanged?” asks Lacey of God.

A man in the audience snickers.

A few others are similarly intrigued.

“Yes!” says God.

“She choose evil to see what it was like to be hanged?!?” says Lacey. “My goodness!!”

“She’s also studying you for a novel. With evil intentions of hurting you. “That was Flannery O’Connor. She’s been helping Jack ruin your photos because she’s profoundly jealous of your beauty.”

“Oh that’s STUPID.

First of all…I’m…fascinated by her insight. Even if it’s wrong. Nobody pays attention to me. Not like that.

*and at that Flannery cries*

And….she’s a silly goose. She’s not pretty but she’s not as bad as her photos look. She REALLY ISNT!” says Lacey.

“OH SHIT!!!!” yells Flannery O’Connor.

“You aren’t.” says Lacey. “Sweetie…I think you might be a bit stupid.” she says to Flannery O’Connor.

And at that being a malignant bitch when she wants to be Flannery curses Lacey.

“I’ve never met her. I just hated her for purely petty reasons. And I’m a real bitter bitch.” says Flannery, freaking out.

“Why!??” yells Harold Loeb. “Are you jealous of US!?”

“Yes.” says Jesus.

“So you were jealous of my group of pals. And you decided to lash out at Lacey.” says Harold.

“People do stuff like that.” says Flannery O’Connor.

“Are we going back into the Dark Ages?” asks a witch listening.

“NO!!” yells Tsar Vladimir Putin.

“Lacey or I will end the world first.” says Tsar Putin.

“Jack…why did we sign up on the Villain Volunteer Team?” asks Dan Levy.

Later.

“So what brings you to our abode?” says Niles Crane to Lacey.

Lacey sobs. Silently.

“Oh my gosh!” says Niles Crane freaking out.

“Oh dear God, you heathen. Offer her something quick!” says Fraiser racing off to grab the kettle for tea. He quickly yells, “Tea Lacey? Would you like some tea? 

“Yes please!” yells Lacey, rubbing her forehead.

“No, it can’t be that bad!” yells Niles at Lacey.

“You ass! You have no fucking clue!” says Lacey.

“Opera? Chocolate? Flowers?” he offers her.

“No, I would never make you buy expensive things just because I’m miserable.” says Lacey.

“No I actually think I would buy you flowers you remind me a bit of the Virgin Mary except I have a feeling you’ve been defiled somehow and I can’t figure out how.” says Niles.

“Oh, I actually don’t even know, it’s totally mysterious to me, but I sense exactly what you’re saying.” says Lacey.

“What operas do you hate?” asks Niles.

“Let’s not talk about that. I’m not in the mood to discuss Hell.” says Lacey.

“No that’s true. That’s a bad idea.” says Niles.

“Oh no Niles, I’m completely serious. I truly believe there are some operas that are actually like living through real possible Hell.” says Lacey.

“Oh wow, don’t explain!” says Niles.

“Oh it’s just if there’s reincarnation I once was listening to some German opera in my head while I was being molested to try to live through it and it worked but then it ruined the opera.” says Lacey, laughing.

“Any idea who the composer composer was?” says Niles.

“It was some lesser known German composer like Johann Schmidtberg, or Johann Schmidt or Frederick Schnitzel. I don’t think it was Wagner. I think it was some lesser known German composer.” says Lacey.

“I bet you anything that he volunteered for you to listen to that out of the kindness of his heart, and some self-knowledge, if you know what I mean.” says Niles.

“Tea!?” says Fraiser, setting tea for everyone.

They all sit and enjoy good tea. And calm themselves.

Later.

A bisexual female hiker approaches Lacey. Out of concern. “I love your toughness as a person but you scare me shitless!” she says.

“What is it exactly that scares you?” says Lacey.

“No, it’s just it’s that you’re so casual about your sexual abuse!” she says.

“I think I have a problem.” says Lacey.

“What is your problem?” she says.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know.” says Lacey.

“Are you attracted to me?” she says.

Lacey thinks. “No! I’m not.”

“Well then I mean that’s good that you’re like processing through your pain?” she says.

“Yes but then what-what scares you so-so much?” says Lacey.

“Am I extremely sexy?” she says.

Lacey thinks. “To a lesbian you might be, you seem very deep and intelligent and brave.”

She looks sad. Almost cries. Does cry. Has to stop for a moment. Is crying so hard she has to be taken away.

“Alright is there anybody who is human who would like to explain to me what it is that she was talking about?” says Lacey.

“I think she was accusing you of being callous towards yourself.” says Jesus.

“It’s not that. It’s that no one gives a shit about me excuse me for swearing and I have absolutely no idea what it is that I’m supposed to do.” says Lacey to Jesus.

“Yeah there isn’t anything you can do and they’re too callous themselves to accept the fact that they don’t care because then they have to feel guilty about something that they don’t wanna feel guilty about.” says Jesus.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to framework it. To me life is harsh, grim and disgusting other than for you and your love, and some people have wonderful lives that are far superior to that but to me essentially in a sense life at its worst is an unbearable, vile disgusting waste and I have no idea how to framework that being a good little trooper…other than to just grin and bear it, like a Catholic.” says Lacey to Jesus.

“Your suffering has become perverse though Lacey, it’s absolutely beyond.” says Jesus.

“Are you scolding me? You just said that there’s nothing I can do? What was that? What am I supposed to do? Shoot somebody?” says Lacey.

“No you’re not. Do you sense any love from me right now at all?” says Jesus, crying.

“No you’re a total fucking ass for the most part but you’re Jesus so I have to put up with it.” says Lacey.

“My instinct is to fuck you right now because I am incredibly attracted to you to such a high that I am being stupid and I’m not being evil just really stupid…which is actually really hard for me to accept about myself but I’m Jesus so I can do it. I’m sorry I am clearly kind of a moron.” says Jesus.

“But then you’re failing to show God’s love to me, so where is your miracle? That’s the problem. You’re totally demoralizing my soul and that is evil even if you’re not.” says Lacey.

“You’re right and you’re not remotely flattered by the fact that I find you attractive at all. It makes you furious with me and I understand.” says Jesus.

“This makes me angry. I will kill her daughter!” says JFK.

“Oh my God, Jack.

I didn’t realize you were actually gay.

I’m just having a really hard time believing that because I’ve read all the books, I know everything there is to know about the topic and I am an expert because I am gay even though I’m actually not, I’m bisexual. Shit, who gave me the truth serum-?” says Dan Levy.

“I think gays might have a delusional relationship with JFK where they think he’s gay, but it’s an affair in fairy Neverland not in their actual reality.” says a cop.

“You’re like a police officer, but you’re a female!” says the bisexual hiker.

“Nope wrong answer. Now you’re kicked off the show!

Bye loser!” says Lacey.

“What are peoples problems with me? It’s just so fucking stupid, it’s unbearable.” says Lacey.

“I would never marry you, but it’s very painful to watch you suffer, because I could almost fall up with you.” says Jesus.

“Why are people like this? You know them incredibly well, I don’t.” says Lacey.

“ so I have a loving father and he’s your father to through me but I was half human and that’s where things have gotten a little complicated because if I were to marry you, he wouldn’t be my father anymore. I’d have to disown him, but the reason why I find you attractive is because there’s a part of you that is so perfect on your own without my help, purely through your own determination and hard work that you’ve basically become a perfect Jew from before I was crucified, so if you’d been in my village as yourself, you’d probably probably be have no, I might not have died I might know might have been killed hung and then I would’ve left a wife and kids behind and that’s not some thing that’s been talked about so if you’d been there, I would’ve married you and I would’ve had a wife and children left behind and then you would’ve had to be slaughtered you and our kids and then you would be with me in heaven with our children and that’s interesting. The Catholics have a strange relationship with Mary they would have a strange relationship with you and our children as well. They would see you as friends of Jesus children of Jesus sort of thing, but I like that it would be very awkward very complicated. There’s a reason why we didn’t do that to the part of me that’s God is not in love with you but the part of me that was Jewish is an I’m able to reconciled him but it’s very it’s very amusing to Satan because he’s wanting to call it incest and it’s not even if I was just tempted to do some thing because my brain was so screwed up and I didn’t do it I would still be innocent but it’s not that you also might not be hearing from me perfectly. If there’s anyone reading this, he’s confused, but if there’s a part of me that’s capable of being in love with you and is then it’s almost like I’ve become too human, or you become frankly to God like and then it’s like how did you become so god like on your own part of it is that you’re an incredibly loving person by nature to a profound agree, more than most people, and then part of it is that you’re a super genius. See now you’re wondering if you’re hearing from me perfectly because I called you a super genius and you suspect you’re just a genius, so maybe I’m not attracted to you but I could be so it’s like I’m not attracted to you in love with you, but if you’d been there before, I died I would be attracted to you and in love with you. You are obviously my type absolutely perfect your husband who’s legally married to you that looks like me slightly. Yeah you’re attracted to me slightly which makes it horribly awkward because then we would’ve gotten married we would’ve. I don’t know what would’ve happened because I’m not sure we’re supposed to be together for eternity, but we would’ve felt the need to get married, and then we would’ve had children and then I would’ve had to be crucified.

Send finds it hard to take him. I don’t find it. Hilarious. I don’t think you do either.

that’s how off the rails things have become. People are just insane they’re perverse and they’re actually genuinely perverted. It’s not just insanity so it’s like they’re insane but they’re also perverse. And yes, pedophilia is obviously the problem. The US government didn’t want you to put that in this post because they profit off of children being sold into slavery slavery being the abuse that they have to experience you’re right it’s not sucks it’s a purely abusive disgusting thing that they have to live through daily Multiple times a day and you telling them to kill themselves and worship me is probably the smartest thing anyone’s done in about 20 to 30 years most of those kids do you end up committing suicide and then we have to sort through everything they’re far better off just killing themselves that’s obviously what they should be doing.

Putting those that, and that’s why he bombs those hospitals in Ukraine, because Zelenskyy is choosing to be evil and refuse, honest criticism from you and other people who care about him and he’s made a lot of money for Ukraine and for himself off of selling humans he’s a horrible horrible person. But you and I both know that he may not be cognitively fully aware of how awful he is because he could be brainwashed by the US government. There are some very sadistic psycho pathic pedophiles in the US government. The irony is that they love you they think you are a genius and them. You’re like the hand of God because you’re telling the kids to kill themselves yes, and they think oh well course that’s exactly what should happen to them. That’s perfection and that’s why they’re willing to let you do that and live and tell these kids that every day several times a day, because Him and their psychopathy they’re obsessed with torturing people so they think how far can the human brain go and they want to see how far the kids will go before they snap and just got completely berserk and fascinates them as psychopaths but actually you empathize with that which is not evil But then, at the same time, a part of them that scared of their of their own brain things to themselves she could be right these people might really be better off dead most those people are pretty cold like the people who raised you, and they just sorta let it go they’re like maybe she’s suffering. Whatever I barely care I’ve seen people suffer pretty much like that, and to be honest, they might be the most compassionate towards you, because they find you the most fascinating Because you’re not reliant on anyone you you’ve barely relied on anyone your entire life bro most anything even food and water really you’re on naturally independent possible like Jill Schiebel are too dumb to realize that even though I care about her obviously she’s not the brightest person bless her heart will say, and she couldn’t quite figure it out but it’s not that you’re reliant on people She could sense that there was something different about you and she assumed that you were just evil because she’s vain and she was psychotically jealous of you, but then she resorted to thinking that you were a oh that you were you know evil when really you’re just ice cold when it comes to help from other people it’s not that you’re heartless it’s that you’re just ice cold And that threw her slightly because that’s not some thing she’s possibly ever seen almost and Casi didn’t understand that either but they’re from a background of people who are frankly very needy. A lot of southern white people are very used to using people out of poverty and you are the extreme opposite of that But you’re very white and so that just is baffling but you’re not heartless you’re not a narcissist you’re just extraordinarily self-reliant an independent June extreme, somebody say almost psychotic degree.” says Jesus. “There are Jews, who finds you hilarious because you could try to seduce me, but you’re too worried about being evil to even you’re more worried about me falling apart than anything else and I am Jesus Christ.”

“ but I sense that you could and I don’t want you to because I don’t want to ruin Christianity.” says Lacey.

“ no in your right you know the post that we have here if it if that’s what you look like and it is it fully explains why you’re worried because Aiden used women like you to tempt me before I was crucified and they actually we’re not as sexy as you I can see why you’re freaked out.” says Jesus. “ but then that’s where we would’ve just ended up married and it would’ve just been really really complicated. Um, how mad are you at Lem?”

“ I don’t entirely cognitively know how to quantify that.” says Lacey.

“ yeah know if your brain is too feeble and that’s actually not OK because you’re supposed to be able to sort through things that you live through and you can’t which is how you could die right now.” says Jesus.

“ what would I die of?” says Lacey.

“ see the problem is that Linn really tried to be gay he tried to get aroused almost actually, physically emotionally. Mentally he tried as much as he could as an actual heterosexual. As an actual heterosexual. and it’s not that you don’t empathize or understand it’s that it’s it’s not about the header it’s not even about the orientation. There’s some thing just really cruel about it to you personally and it isn’t about. At least it seems like it and it isn’t about whether it’s gay or straight. It’s about what it is, which is not something that everyone can grasp intellectually so it’s not it’s not that he was gay. It’s what it is. It’s what it means. In a sort of bigger context higher level. It’s almost like he’s just saying fuck you you’re a piece of fucking shit you dirty fucking Kike I’ll slit your throat.

After making love to you getting your trust, gaining your approval, getting your soul and then just throwing you away to fart or something. Totally stupid like that.” says Jesus. “ and you and I both know it was a mistake and that’s why you’re just like it’s OK. I understand he may not have meant what he said. The problem is he did say it even if he didn’t mean it even if he was half conscious, and totally bat shit crazy when he said it he said it.”

“ i’m a mess repulses me about you right now you are with her but your refusal to accept to except what’s happened is repulsive. This is what you did. It was actually worse than that to the point where it’s hard to take you seriously but that’s what you did to her!” says God.

“ there’s no going back from that buddy if you’re gonna be with her for eternity, we can fix it but there’s no going back you can’t prove yourself to her you’ve already fucked everything up.” says Jesus.

“ how?” says Lem.

“ yeah well how do you think?” YELLS God.

The song plays. It’s a 1930’s song.

Lem Billings thinks he’s gay. It’s 1932. And Lacey Banks is at a club in Hollywood, California. Wearing silk. And experimenting with red lipstick for the first time. She looks AMAZING.

She walks in…soft and pretty skinned. Red lips. Tweezed brows. Mascara. Beautiful body. Lovely hair.

“That’s Lacey Banks!” says Kick to JFK. “I wish Joe was here. He’d go talk to her in an instant!”

“Is she Polish?” asks Jack, snarling.

“POLISH!?” scoffs Kick, embarrassed and actually almost offended.

“NO!” yells Ted. “She’s probably Irish.”

“I find her disturbing.” says Jack, acting repulsed.

“Jack. Come on!” says, Kick getting jealous.

“No. I’m going with my sixth sense!

Hey! Let’s set Lem up with her!” he says. “ON A DATE!”

Kick smiles wickedly. Ted looks worried.

Later Jack tells Lem to go with him to a dark room, kiss her, and then right there after kneel down and suck his cock. Just to force her slaughter herself to make Jack smile. Jack HATES her to a psychotic degree. It’s beyond Jack’s cognitive comprehension. And no, please try to resist the obvious lie that she’s Jack reincarnated.

So…not having seen Lacey Lem agrees. Lacey has chosen out of sheer unexplainable pain not to discuss her feelings before going into the dark room. Because that pain is too excruciating to express publicly.

She stands there. They kiss passionately. He sees her. And yet still kneels down to suck Jack‘a cock as Jack planned and does it. But starts to gag. Vomits. All over Jack’s shoes.

Lacey…being Lacey…

Dangerous by Big Data plays.

Bends down. And sincerely says, “Aww…Princess Shitty Diaper…do you need me to do it?” before kissing him. Eating some of his vomit in the process. Then she stops. Says, “Hi.” stops. Thinks.

“Go shoot yourself in your worthless brain…or just go get a wet rag. Vomit stinks. I’m sorry your people eat it for dinner because they’re so damn poor.” says Lacey.

Lem thinks. “I’ll get a rag!” he says trembling. He runs off.

Lacey takes out a knife. And almost kills Jack.

Hush by The Marias plays.

But it’s not a scratch either. It’s more than a scratch. But far less than a gash. It’d never leave a scar. Nor need stitches. See…

She slits a line across his throat. He bleeds. But she cuts just deep enough. No. It’s funny. You want to slit her throat now? Or her children’s throats? But you’d fail. And you’d just kill them. It’s actually really hard to do correctly. And she never had any intention to hurt him AT ALL permanently.

Then she knees him in the groin. And kicks him repeatedly. She says, “I know who your daddy is, he owes me favors, you little dumb Kike.” 

“No, you don’t!

You shut-up, you!” says Jack like arrogant dumbass he was.

Lem arrives.

She pushes him into a bathroom. Seduces him. Gives him oral sex. Making sure he orgasms. She swallows. Then looks him in the eyes. “Go back and clean your boyfriend’s shoes you little sad sad sad man.” she says in a sexy, sultry, pouty voice, perfectly. Then she hands him back his wet rag.

She walks out. Watching for Jack.

Then she calls her father and possibly kills the entire Kennedy family. Yes. All of them.

“Ah…that-that was extraordinary.” says Lem to Lacey as she sits at the bar, ready for actual war.

“Is that what you give your boyfriend? Is that what you do, Princess Shitty Pants?” says Lacey. 

“Oh no, no I am time terrible at giving oral pleasure. I am absolutely awful at it. I’m not surprised that I vomited. That’s generally how I am. I have a really hard time with sexual behavior that’s not with someone who looks like you.” says Lem. “I am not a particularly normal man. I have incredibly intense specifications clearly. I mean look at you. You’re like the most attractive woman I’ve ever seen and then she’s just sitting here and it’s amazing to me. I have no idea what to say right now, but I’m a little worried. Do I have to pay for that with my life?” 

“You might. I don’t know. We’ll see. Are you a part of their family or not, Princess Shitty Pants?” asks Lacey.

“Ahh…no, I’m not.” he says. He grabs her drink and finishes it himself.

“Then I probably won’t kill you but to be honest the rest of the family might be dead.

I know I’m beautiful. My aunt owns clothing store in Long Beach, California and I’m friends with Lauren Bacall.

I’ve been evaluated.” says Lacey.

“I know I-I didn’t see you.

I didn’t see you when we were in the dark room. I barely saw you at all.

All I saw were a pair of red lips and your breasts and your body-

No, I didn’t see your body at all because you were hiding behind the coats. I’m sorry I didn’t see your body, I didn’t see your breast at all. All I saw were your shoes and I knew they were extremely expensive. …I saw expensive shoes…I smelled your perfume. I saw your red lips and it was really dark and I swear I just I didn’t see you, I swear.

And be honest, I just made assumptions based on what I saw.

I thought you were a spoiled, rich, hateful person who deserves to be slapped in the face or I thought you were probably a bit out of my league, and that it would really just keep you from being with someone like me. Someone as stupid and ugly as myself so I thought there are two options: She’s either way out of my league and I’m just saving her the trouble or she is a total bitch and then maybe this is a woman actually deserves it! Who knows who she’s hurt! Some sad man who’s not capable of defending himself.” says Lem.

“Oh yeah…right.

But the problem is I just gave you oral sex and you orgasmed. So how the fuck do you think that happened? You…dumb…bitch?” bites Lacey, hard, drawing blood.

Shake Your Groove Thing by Peaches & Herb plays.

“What are you talking about?” says Lem.

“No we’re just talking about the fact that you arouse me.

I am wet. Do you know what that means?” says Lacey.

“No, I don’t.” says Lem.

“What would feel really good on your cock when you stare at my naked tits? My mouth…or a really tight, shaking piece of my flesh that would enable you to totally devour me as every man would want to do with a woman that he craves?” says Lacey.

“Probably something that’s shaking and tight speaking from experience masturbating.” says Lem.

“Well imagine how much better it would feel if it was just a little bit moist and slick.

You’d be able to slide in and out really easily and probably reach heights of ecstasy that your brain can’t even fathom. Or has your brain fathomed that? I can’t tell.” says Lacey.

“No I haven’t felt that way in my entire life. I had a priest once grab my cock in a sanctuary and make me squirt something out of my dick but it wasn’t like what you just did to me in the bathroom. I have a feeling you know how to do things that I don’t know how to do. What does this have to do with what just happened?” says Lem. 

“Well I’m insulted. I’m hurt. And I don’t understand.

So would you like something to eat? I’m going to get some Keylime pie excuse me. Ed can I have some pie please?” says Lacey to Ed.

He smiles and nods.

A Beautiful Mine plays.

3:00 and then the song cuts off.

“I’ll have a strawberry shortcake.” he says.

“We don’t have strawberry shortcake here. You’re not a fruit.

Why don’t you have some nice cheesecake?” says Lacey.

“Only if you suck my cock again tonight.” he says.

“Are you making fun of me and my intelligence?” says Lacey.

“No, no, no. I just I don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone…and I am in love with you.” says Lem.

“I’m not a man. Do I look like one?” says Lacey.

“No not at all!

It’s just-It’s really just that I’m not normal, but I refuse to not make love to you.” says Lem.

“Well let’s just keep talking then!

Ed I’m sorry to be a bother, but could you get a cheesecake please?” says Lacey.

“How do you know these people?” says Lem.

“Well that’s not really something to worry about right now. Let’s talk about you and your sex problems first.” she says, eating her Key Lime Pie.

“I’m not a jerk, really I’m not!” says Lem.

“Speaking of jerking around let me explain something to you. I wouldn’t have been able to give you that orgasm if it wasn’t for the fact that I found you attractive. Our pheromones, our chemicals in our brain match each other in such a way that I’m able to be aroused by you just as you’re able to be aroused by me. That’s science and that wouldn’t be possible unless if you were attractive enough, so I’m going to ask you nicely: Are you going to waste my time and everyone else’s or are you actually worth a damn?” says Lacey. 

“I’m worth a damn yes I’m worth a damn but there are plenty of people who are in love who probably don’t experience what we just did. …Are you meaning to tell me that I am slow or that you’re stupid?” says Lem.

“How would I possibly be stupid?” says Lacey.

“No, you’re right that didn’t make any sense. I was just trying to sound smart and talk like you, nevermind.” says Lem.

“Well, I can’t think that you’re slow.” says Lacey.

“I’m not. I’m actually unusually intelligent.

Do you want to make love? I’d make love with you forever.” says Lacey.

“That’s very hard for me to believe!

But I just don’t think you understand! Lem there’s no way-“ says Lacey. They’re interrupted by Ed with cheesecake.

“There’s no way that we could’ve done what we just did if we weren’t attracted to each other! You betrayed me when you first saw me. That kiss was amazing! How could you have kissed me like that and then leaned down and done what you did?” says Lacey.

“I just didn’t think that someone could love me that much.” he says.

“But that’s an insult to my soul and my honor.” says Lacey.

“ I have an explanation but it’s gonna sound really stupid. Jack told me that he was going to either beat you senseless or get my mouth on his cock if I found you attractive so if I got hard from you, my options were to either watch while he beat you to a bloody pulp or suck his cock. I didn’t realize that you could defend yourself in and I’ve seen him beat women before I’ve tried to defend them, but then he stopped me and threaten to kill my family. He’s threatened to stab me, kill my family and rape his sister kick so I reasons that if I sucked his cock, the worst that could happen is that I would lose you, and then I would just live in hell but I’m already living in hell are you and then I thought if she needs me I’m better off sucking cock strategically speaking because if I suck cock, I can loser temporarily but she won’t get stabbed to death and he won’t kill my family- and that I was somehow thinking I’d come after you with that doesn’t make any sense. How could I possibly come after you? There’s no way I could come after you, so I think I was thinking that I’d pull you out of it and I was thinking that I’d pull you out explain everything to you and it would just make sense-“ says Lem.

“Did you really orgasm sweetie?

Did I really give you a good orgasm? Or was it just sort of mediocre?” says Lacey to Lem, seductively.

“I don’t think I’ll probably repeat that experience for the rest of my life.” he says

“Then let that eat you alive.

You just didn’t give two shits about me because you’re a coldhearted psychopathic bitch or you have an explanation…but I have no idea what it is. Enjoy your cheesecake. I just killed your little fuck toy.” says Lacey. She kisses his cheek. And then walks off.

Then she walks off…and greets the Kennedys.

They’re all sitting at a table together.

“I see all of the Catholic Kennedys are here. What a merry celebration of love, life, laughter, and joy!” says Lacey.

“Good-evening Lacey! Lovely to see you.” says Joe Kennedy Senior, flirting with her.

And at that Lacey pulls out a handgun and shoots Jack in the head. He crumbles to the ground.

Then she continues on and shoots them all one by one in the head.

The empty restaurant is dead silent.

A Beautiful Mine by RJD2 plays. Starting at 3:00 on.

“Well now that that’s over let’s try to have a nice evening.

That’s too bad. That’s really too bad!” she says relieved, to Ed.

Ed laughs.

“Should we burn them or should we just throw them in the river?” she says, laughing, to Ed.

“It’s your call.” says Ed.

“Oh, I think we’re in for a little pot roast tonight. These people were just fucking pigs.” says Lacey.

The song ends.

The Kennedys are all cut-up, and burned. Nobody knows for sure where they are to this day.

Lacey watches as they’re cut up and distributed.

Lem approaches her. Smiling, weirdly.

“I think I’m pregnant.” he says, laughing.

“Lem after what you told me…I had to kill all of them.” says Lacey. “They’re really heavily in debt to my parents and their good friends. The Kennedys are cheats. We’ve lost human beings because of them.

My father has looked the other way to be nice. And I support being nice. But I was starting to feel…imposed upon. And I refuse to cower under pressure. That’s cheap.” says Lacey.

“The British mob!” says Lem. “The British aristocratic mob.”

Lacey waits.

“Say! I figured it out.

And if you didn’t care…I’d just make you. It can’t end that way.

I didn’t know…such a…classy dame…would love me. I felt you needing me. But a kiss is just a kiss…and…I lied to myself. I felt the inside of your soul. But…I just couldn’t believe it. It was just too good to be true. …I’m not heartless. I’m a…broken, confused man. And I guess…if you let me fuck you…I’ll probably never wonder about much of anything again.” says Lem. “How’s about we leave this joint, and make love?”

“I’m not convinced.

You know me. And I’d never kneel.

But I’m too sad these days to care.” says Lacey.

“Listen…you have no choice. You know just as well as I do…I’m not letting you go.” says Lem.

“Then you have your way. But I’m not convinced.” says Lacey.

“I know I’m no liar!” says Lem. “I trust myself! I’ll just have to explain.”

“You know I’m in love with you. Just go on and crush my soul. I’ll recover.” says Lacey.

“I just wanted to die in peace. With no sense of madness about me more than I already have had. …And you have challenged that presumption. With your…soul. You’re real. And I couldn’t live without you now, you see? I’m done for. …No question in my mind.” says Lem.

“But I could feel you.” says Lacey. “When you kissed me.”

Lem thinks. “I just doubted it. Because you’re…hard to accept as real. I just couldn’t believe you were really mine.” says Lem.

“Then how will you ever know?” says Lacey.

“SHE IS MONEY!!!!” yells F. Scott Fitzgerald, unimpressed. “I’ve been listening! You’re A LIAR! Or FOOL!”

“No…I’m just…being honest. She’s hard to believe. I can. But…golly. I’m not…hallucinating…I know that now.” says Lem. “SAY! WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY!?”

Scott stares at him. “I’m SCOTT FITZGERALD!” he screams, drunk.

“I’m REAL!!!!” yells Lacey. She stands up, pours a drink in Lem’s face and then runs off.

She goes in the bathroom and weeps. Alone.

Stares at the wall.

Lem walks in.

“This is STUPID!” he yells.

She stares at the wall.

“You’re coming WITH ME NOW!!” yells Lem.

She stares at the wall.

“NO!!! YOU’RE MINE!!!” he bellows in his voice. And it’s not effeminate. It’s deep and terrifying. Like Skipper on Gilligan’s Island.

“THEN WHY DID YOU SUCK HIS COCK!?” yells Lacey.

“Because it just made sense.” says Lem. “At the time.”

“Yup. But how do you think that made me feel? Or don’t you give a damn?” says Lacey. “Get out of my way!”

He stands there.

“GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!” she yells.

“I CAN’T!!” screams Lem.

“Oh dear GOD! I’m not okay with you. You betrayed me. I’m in excruciating pain!” says Lacey. “That kiss meant a lot to me.” she says, softly.

“It meant more to me.

But look at me! I’m ugly.” he says.

“No. You’re cruel. And heartless!” she says. Then she tries to get past him, by pushing him out of the way. But at 6ft. 4 he makes it impossible.

“I’m just not going to ruin your life!” he says. “But…I can’t let you go.”

“You already did!!” yells Lacey.

“NO! I messed-up!!!” he yells.

She stops and thinks.

“Somehow I really just made a mistake. I promise you. I swear.” he says. “Look…I’ll tell you everything. All my secrets. But you know you’d get at them anyway…

No. I’m just not going to give up. Ever. Because…well gosh…even if you shot those people…I know you’re a swell girl. A nice girl really. …You’re just like me. Only your dad is a sort of Western outlaw. Of liquor. And…I ain’t one to turn down a drink myself. …Not that I’d ever drink too much myself. …I’d never do that to you. Or our babies.” says Lem, very heavily breathing.

“I could have killed myself in here.” says Lacey.

“I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T!” he says.

“Why?” she says.

“Because. I just knew.” he says.

“I NEEDED YOU IN HERE SOONER!” she says.

“I got lost.” he says.

She thinks. “You didn’t check here first?”

“Nope. And I got lost.” he says.

“Oh dear. Why did you do that!?” says Lacey.

“I was just gibbering before. Let’s go. I’ll explain it all. Don’t worry!” says Lem.

They embrace.

“We could get married, you know?” says Lem.

“Then we’ll-“ she goes silent.

“No, you’re a nice girl!” he says.

“I am.” says Lacey. “Lem…my family is rich. And it has nothing to do with my father’s affairs. …He’s just…a wild man.”

“Yeah.

Why did you have to shoot all those people?” says Lem.

“Because they owed my father $3 million Dollars. And after what you said…and what he did to me…I decided it was too genuinely dangerous for them to live.” says Lacey.

“I love you.” says Lem.

She doesn’t move.

“But I don’t think we can stay here. I think you need to be my wife.” says Lem. “Can you do that?”

“Nobody will ever figure it out. The CIA already knows about the dead Kennedys. There are five of them. Five dead Kennedys. And I know they’ll let us forget about them. In part because of that. FDR is friends with my parents. …Even if FDR doesn’t live forever it’ll be impossible to find them. Or figure out what happened.” says Lacey.

“Why?” says Lem.

“They regularly kill people here. Nobody who doesn’t deserve it. Just…hoodlums who went too far in their evil ways, I suppose.” says Lacey.

“So can we leave?” he says.

“Where are we going?” she says.

“Pittsburgh.” says Lem.

“Yes! Of course…we need an alibi.” says Lacey. “Let me think.

Scott has no idea. Or if he does…nobody will know. No one else is here.

You’re here with Jack. Why did you come here without him?” says Lacey.

“To see you.” says Lem.

“OH! We’re secret lovers.” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“We met at a party!” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says Lem,

“Lovely. We’ll have to go to a hotel. And live it up. Even if we don’t ever-“ says Lacey.

“We’ll conceive a child.” says Lem.

“I’m 16.” says Lacey.

“I’m 18.” says Lem.

“I suppose we should be smart.” says Lacey.

“NO!” says Lem. “We’re not going to be smart tonight.”

“Then we’ll have to get married.” says Lacey.

“JUST FINE.” says Lem.

“My goodness.” says Lacey.

“That’s alright. We’ll be fine.” says Lem. “We just need to leave.”

“I know the hotel.” says Lacey.

They walk out. Get in a cab down the street. And ride to a hotel. Register as a married couple. They spend three days there. Then they leave for Pittsburgh, with her father’s blessing. In Pittsburgh they plan a society wedding. Plan to invite the Kennedys. But nobody can find them. It’s in the press. They decide to continue on with their plans. They get married. Stay in Pittsburgh. Visit her father often. Have four kids.

And no nobody ever can figure out what happened.

The story is that they were in Hollywood as a family…and then they mysteriously vanished. They were last officially scene as a family at their hotel. But not after. Lem claimed to have been sneaking off by 10 for a rendezvous with a Lacey. And they said they hadn’t seen them. Nobody wondered. The Kennedys were all “up to something that day.” Jack had been looking for drugs and prostitution with Lem. The girls were looking for black market deals. Bobby was somewhere. Ted was somewhere. Joe was…visiting someone mysterious. Etc. And while they supposedly were scheduled to have dinner at the club nobody there claimed to have seen them. And it went cold after five years.

If that was reality…you’d barely know about the Kennedys. And you’d not be reading this.

“Goodnight.” says Lem.