“People Would So Eat Me”

Wow!

Last night was huge.

But apparently all anyone is focused on outside of Russia is Roma Downey.

Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe plays.

“I eat pickles!” said Roma this morning giggling like she was high.

“Oh my GOD!” said Bobby Kennedy Junior in response.

Prince William smiled.

“I EAT PICKLES!” said Roma, having an attack of the giggles.

You’re The First, The Last, My Everything plays.

Roma dances with nothing and nobody. Staring off into outer space.

“Are women ever really this great?” God asks F. Scott Fitzgerald.

“NO!!!” says Scott. “This song is partially just hateful, evil bullshit. …There are a few exceptions. Lacey is one of them. And…actually there are MANY women like this. It’s not that rare, I guess. …But it’s rare.” says Scott.

“Well alright.” says Barry White. “I’m sorry, dude.”

Scott leaves in sadness.

Never, Never Gonna Give Ya Up plays.

Roma dances. “This is MY SONG!” says Roma.

“Reminds you of JFK?” asks Barack Obama.

“Is this song about sexual perversion?” says Lacey.

Barry looks nervous.

“Why?” asks Lem, laughing.

“He sounds like my father who raised me did when he molested me.” says Lacey.

“No. It’s about hot, sexy men on the low.” says Barry.

“Yeah. The thing is…I wasn’t feeling that good. When I was being molested. *she laughs* …Is the other man feeling that?” says Lacey.

“YES!!!” screams JFK.

“So y’all found what the world is searching for?” says Lacey.

“YES.” says Barack Obama. “Gay sex is that good.”

“Not for me.” says Lem.

“That’s IMPOSSIBLE!!” scream all white living gay men.

“Yeah. No…kids NEVER experience that. Even if it seems like it to them or other people. It’s impossible.” says God.

“What THE FUCK IS HE EXPERIENCING?” asks Lem. “I genuinely never experienced this.”

“Did you Micheal?” asks the CIA.

“Yes.” admits Michael Rockefeller.

“No!” says Lacey. “I can’t experience that for a woman.”

“Yup that’s what I felt.” says a dead pedophile to God.

“What THE FUCK are you all experiencing!??” says Lacey.

“You’d never think Barry was gay!” says Barry White to Lacey like she’s a fool.

“No!! I would!!” says Lacey. “You’ve always sounded slightly gay to me.”

“Yeah. You people really are that dumb.” says Elliott Roosevelt to Barry White.

“That’s not possible!” says Chris Hayes.

“I want this!!!” says a woman.

“Do you, Lacey?” asks God.

“No. I’d want that love. But not that.” says Lacey. “What are they experiencing?”

“Is it narcissistic sex?” says Lem.

“Whatever Lem. I satisfied him.” says Roma.

“Yeah. So did I!” says Marilyn Monroe.

“SO WHAT IS THIS!?” says Lacey. “When does he orgasm? And not just feel pain up his anus?”

“I NEVER ENJOYED GAY SEX IN ANY WAY LIKE THIS!” says Lem. “It was…dull.”

“Hush, Lacey is a fucking idiot. She has no idea what she’s talking about.

Cause gay sex is like amazing! And she is just clearly kind of a fucking idiot who doesn’t understand facts at all.

We’re CLEARLY sex experts!” say all living gay men, like Valley Girls.

“Then-Then what the fuck are you doing!? You people do this to her all the time! You have for years we’ve watched you.” says the real Catholic Church.

“You know you don’t know what it’s like to be a gay person. It’s really painful, the world hates you and then you fly a flag and everyone lets you but it’s like why? Why are you letting me fly my flag? Why are you letting me celebrate my sex life in the month of June? That’s suspicious clearly you’re doing that because you’re pretending to care about me when in reality, you’re just like going to shoot me any chance you get.” say all living gay men.

“What’s STUPID ABOUT IT!?!” screams Barry White.

“Barry. You sound clinically insane.” says a psychologist.

“Just tell us what you’re experiencing!” says another psychiatrist to Barry White.

Barack laughs.

“What’s so funny?” Barry asks Barack.

“WHY CAN’T YOU TELL THEM?” asks Barack Obama.

“Because he’s a jackass.” says Queen Elizabeth I. “An Irish jackass. And a Black man.”

“Nah! She’s just jealous.” says Barry White.

“No. Joe Junior made that mistake too. SHE ISN’T JEALOUS!” yells a dead Irish woman.

“I really wasn’t gay. At all.” says Lem.

“But this is clearly what you experienced.” says Barry, to Lem.

“No!!!” yells the CIA.

“Well I’m hurt!” yells Barry.

“Barry…what triggered you?” asks the CIA.

“I just feel hurt.” says Barry, shrugging. “She’s A PEDOPHILE!!”

“No. SHE IS CLEARLY NOT!” says the CIA.

“Are you, Barry? Why are you singing about a girl?” asks a reader.

He refuses to answer and just dances.

“So you’re narcissistic. And all gay men are just what they thought we were? Narcissistic buffoons?” asks a hurt living gay man.

“Have you given her that much pleasure?” asks a gay man angrily and arrogantly of Lem.

“I’ve given her more.” says Lem.

“This is confusing. You don’t orgasm.” says Lacey. “And it sounds like you’re in pain.”

“We are.” admits a gay man.

“Okay. I guessed that.” says Lacey. “So…what is the other stuff?”

“Sexual pleasure.” says Barry.

“But it’s barely any sexual pleasure.” says Lacey.

“Yeah. Physically. She’s right. It’s not.” says Lem.

“Yeah. He’s talking way too much.” says Lacey. “And what’s with all the hissing shit?”

“That’s actually perverse. Some straight porn stars do that too. But it’s imaginary arousal. You’re IMAGINING YOURSELF AROUSED. You’re not ACTUALLY AROUSED!” yells Joe Junior. “I’m ANGRY!”

“Why?” asks Barry Obama.

“RUSSIA!!!” yells Joe Junior. “And my DUMBASS BROTHER.”

“So you’re imagining good sex. …Because you’re feeling pain. What else?” says Bill Rhea.

“I hear fear in this song too.” says Lacey laughing at Hiroshima victims who deserve it. Or laughing with them at JFK. “What is this? Sex before a nuclear bomb?”

A Japanese woman laughs. “It sounds like that. There’s something very eerie.”

“YEAH.” says Lem.

“Are y’all scared of being…nuked?” says Lacey. “It’s not normal fear. In any way.”

Barry White looks nervous.

“No! All men feel that initial release.” says Matthew Nesheim, listening and analyzing.

“That keep on doing it. Is…so asexual. It sounds like you’re at war.” says Lacey.

Barry looks confused. Then worried.

2:13

“Okay. But that’s just work. For a half naked extremely arousing woman. Who you find slightly attractive. …What’s the rest?” asks Matthew.

“Love.” says Barry.

“NO! There’s something else!” says Lacey.

“Are you eating!??? ARE YOU EATING PEOPLE!?” yells a dead victim of cannibals.

“Yes.” says God.

“Why are you getting off on hurting people?” says Lacey. “Or what is it? I’ve given you many chances to even just try to bullshit. But you can’t be bothered, huh? WHY!?” She thinks. “THAT’S INSANELY DISRESPECTFUL OF HUMANITY.”

“They’re intellectualizing their sexuality.” says Saint Augustine.

“So…what else?” says Lacey.

“No. We’re not necessarily missing out. And we might not care anyway. … SO WHAT IS IT?” says Lem.

“YOU FELT IT!!” yell all living gay men, incredulously.

“No!!! I didn’t. You just keep hearing JACK.” screams Lem, in panic.

“You’re stealing our souls!!” yells Lacey at all homosexuals. “YOU LYING PEASANT THIEVES!!”

“They’re playing at Snickle.” says Islam.

“Yes. But what is it? …I’ve not felt that. Ever.” says Prince William.

“It’s LOVE!” yells an indignant living gay man.

“NOT NECESSARILY.” yells Bill Rhea.

“Is this just peasant sex?” asks Tsar Putin.

“And they think it’s homosexuality?” says Lacey.

“There’s shame.” says Rupert Brooke.

“So…what is it?” asks Lem.

“I find it gross.” says Matt.

“I do too. …But it’s…delusional.” says Lacey. “I’m sorry. I’m honest.”

“Yes. She was never in love with me. Or attracted to me.” says Lacey’s sexual abuser. “But I was insane. And I believed otherwise and would get very violent if she burst that delusion…at all.”

“YEAH. But…if they both are insane…is it as evil?” Lacey asks God.

“No.” says God. “It’s evil. If homosexuality is derangement. But…not…as evil.”

“Yeah. Because I think they’re truly feeling love for each other?” says Lacey.

“They are. Even if they’re actually just mentally unhealthy and/or mutated freaks.” says God.

“So what is it!?” asks Lacey.

“I’ve found what the world is searching for.” says God.

“What’s this world SEARCHING FOR OTHER THAN GOD?” asks Lacey.

“The HOLY GRAIL.” says Rupert Brooke. “Which means you, possibly.”

“But what else?” asks Lacey.

“What is the world searching for?” asks God.

“MONEY AND SEX!?!” says Don Draper. “Yeah. I can’t get it either, Lacey. I can’t…grasp it.”

Sal shakes his booty. “It’s gay sex.” he says. “But I think Skippy Handelman wants it too now.”

“WHAT IS IT!???” says Lacey.

“Oh my GOD! It’s HER!!!” yells a reader. “YOU KIDNAPPED HER!!”

“Maybe. What else is it?” says Lacey.

“It’s being a man.” says Barry.

“What ELSE?” says Lacey.

“It’s psychosis.” says God.

Islam fears God.

“It’s actually sexual psychosis. It’s psychotic sexual pleasure. It’s like a drug high. Combined with sexual pleasure. And imagined intense arousal. So…you’re high on a sort of drug…and your sexual psychosis is…such that you can’t tell the difference. You’re conflating sexual mania with sexual desire. And then sadly your ego is deranged and perversely hyperinflated so you don’t read your own instability. …The rest is love. But it may be a love based on mental health crisis. And what she’s hearing…that she can’t place…is Jack trying to assert to me that Lem was madly in love with him, FO SURE! …And…that’s the problem. Do…you want me to explain the rest in Hell or now?” says God.

“Yeah. We believed Jim was her lover.” say the dead Kennedys.

“You did!” says God to the dead Kennedys like they’re fools.

(Adult content below)

Lacey listens to the song. And can’t figure out what THE HELL he’s talking about.

So she has sex with Lem. To try to figure it out. They’ve done it hundreds of times. And they’re not actually having sex. So it’s not going to be real, so to speak.

Lacey has to restart the song four times. And really concentrate.

“Hold on!!” yells Lacey.

She restarts it.

0:03 “That’s WAR.” says Lacey. “And then it’s ABBA. Dancing Queen.”

0:10 “That’s sexual release, a sad sigh, or an exhausted sigh.”

0:13 “He’s got bad teeth. …And they’re sexually kidnapping unwilling people.”

0:19 “The White Supremacists are threatening Barry’s life. And using Black men to sexually control and harm all people.”

0:24 “Now the White Supremacists are using Black people to molest children.”

0:29 “Now the White Supremacists are using the Gay Rights Movement to sexually abuse children and adults.”

0:33 “Now they’re using the fashion community to control and manipulate and abuse people.”

0:40 “Now they’re using the Black religious community to sexually and psychologically oppress people.”

0:46 “Now they’re using the trade unions to control and oppress people.”

0:50 “Now Barry is just channeling himself. And he’s being sincere.”

0:57 “This is people singing like subjugated robots. Mindless pawns.”

1:13 “More mindlessness. And possibly a reference to Peter And The Wolf. And witchcraft.”

“That’s all…just Barry being at least bisexual and definitely tired. Yes…he has a great voice. WOW. …But it’s unclear who or what he’s singing to or about. A woman, a man, a child, an alien? It’s genuinely unclear.”

1:55 “This is baffling. Because actual human romantic love is…not that exalting. God saves us. This is…INSANE.”

2:04 “This reminds me of a Charismatic Church service. OFTEN.” says Lacey.

2:40 “Are they singing pedophilic love songs to Moloch now?”

3:14 “Moloch comes through imitating the Holy Spirit.”

3:33 “YES! 3:33 Barry sings in the spirit to ‘STOP!’ He’s being brutally tortured somewhere. And he’s in horrific terror.”

3:42 “He sounds like an extremely bamboozled Black slave.”

3:54 “He gives in to perversion and sounds like he’s a soul-crushed Black slave as the song ends.”

She’s unimpressed with her analysis. Even if it’s exactly accurate.

She listens to it again.

“Did her father who raised her ruin sex for her?” asks a reader.

“NO! In her case, no.” says God.

She restarts the song.

“YOU STOLE HER SEXUALITY!!” God bellows at all gay men since 1940.

“I couldn’t get Lem interested. So I devoured her soul.” says JFK, like he cute. He laughs.

“The problem is…the Kennedys are buffoons. So they VASTLY overestimate.” says God. “AND underestimate. ESSENTIALS.”

“Why is Lem shutting his eyes?” asks JFK as Lacey straddles him in a chair. “He’s been doing that since before. When she first stand by the record player.”

“My father used to do that during church in regard to Jesus. And his Holy Spirit experiences.” says Lacey. “But he was homosexual.”

“He’s hard!” yells Jesus at JFK.

JFK grins. “I DID THAT!?” he says, like a very low IQ child who’s exceptionally proud of himself.

“Jack you’re not a child. And you’re not that mentally challenged.” says God.

“No. Ouch.” says JFK feeling the tiniest bit of pain as he brains begins to destroy itself. He’s been cutting off his conscience and slicing off his soul in the process.

“Whatever and ever!” says JFK, dancing.

“Lisa’s a bitch!” says Rupert.

“Was she?” says Lacey.

“Kinda.” says Rupert.

The song restarts.

“My baby? You got it together? TOGETHER?” says Lacey. “WHAT IS TOGETHER?”

“Like you’re…smart.” says Barry.

“Why is that sexual?” says Lacey.

Matt Nesheim laughs. Can’t stop laughing.

“It’s not sexual.” says Lacey.

“In our family…smart isn’t sexual. See…our parents were smart. And we were too. But…it’s not sexual.” says Matt. “We’re too genuinely genetically elite.”

“You’re misunderstanding their sexuality.” says God about Lacey and Lem.

“It seems as though the British aristocrats are superior to the Norwegian aristocrats overall and yet the Norwegian aristocrats are superior to the British aristocrats in a way that’s actually quite important.

So on that particular matter, I’m not sure who wins.” says Prince William.

“So! Lem was completely straight.” says God.

Lacey and Lem have sex. It’s incredibly hot. And heartfelt. And he reaches into her and pulls her out and they genuinely become one.

“That ain’t real!” says Barry White.

“Okay!” says JFK, who’s basically retarded.