“Yikes!” by Lem

“So you find kids attractive?” says Bobby Kennedy Junior to Lacey.

“No!” she says.

“But you thought that kid at your door was good-looking.” he says.

“Not in that way.” says Lacey. “He was a good-looking kid. But I did not find him attractive.”

“I heard your thought!” yells Bobby.

“I was thinking that he was good-looking. Not that I found him attractive.” says Lacey.

“THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS!!! YOU FIND PEOPLE ATTRACTIVE!! YOU DON’T THINK ABOUT IT!!!” Honey Fitz yells in Lacey’s face, threatening to rape her if she doesn’t listen to him.

“No. I did not find him attractive.” says Lacey, primly and with no doubt.

“SHE HAS TO BE BLUFFING!!” yells Bobby Kennedy Senior.

“NO! I really kinda doubt it.” says Kick.

“Yeah. Things actually…aren’t…going that well. So…” says Joe Kennedy Junior standing with Pat Wilson.

“NO! I don’t find kids attractive. I’m sorry.” says Lacey.

“BUT YOU THOUGHT HE WAS ATTRACTIVE!” yells unknown another dead man.

“NO!” says Lacey. “I did not.”

“I think that kid found you attractive.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“SO WHAT!?” says Lacey.

“Yeah. She’s right. So what?” says Honey Fitz.

“No. He might have thought I was pretty. But that’s entirely different than the crushes he has on kids his age.” says Lacey. “I’m…an ideal. It’s not the same. It’s just part of their psychological development. …But…he doesn’t actually want me to do anything. And I don’t want to. I have no desire to. …I noticed he was a good-looking kid. He thought I was an ideal. But then…that’s where the situation ends. There’s no real attraction between us. It’s a red herring, so to speak. You’re imagining an attraction that doesn’t exist. And never has. And never will. Because I just don’t find younger men attractive.” says Lacey.

“So you just find him attractive?!?!?” desperately asks Bobby.

“NO!” says Lacey. “I do not find him attractive.”

“Then what’s the difference? Between what and what!?” says Lacey.

“OH MY GOD!! SHE DOESN’T!” says the little boy in question, in the future.

“Okay?” says the CIA.

“So…I just said that I did not find him attractive.” says Lacey.

“But I don’t think you understand attraction.” says a dumbass from the Massachusetts DNC to Lacey.

“No!! SHE DOES!!!!” screams the CIA, in terror. “Who has you all convinced she’s a pedophile!? And who has you convinced she’s not at all intelligent!?”

“BOBBY. And a bunch of gay young men.” says the Mass DNC.

“Because because because I’m supposed to be gay!?” says Lem,

“You are gay! We’re just defending you. Hi hot stuff!” say a group of young gay men sincerely to Lem.

“I think it’s pretty obvious that he wasn’t. Why do you guys keep thinking that he was!?” says the CIA.

“Because Vladimir Putin won’t have sex with Lacey! And so we figure that she’s poor and she must just be a dumbass hick!” says a group of gay men.

“That’s not reality. In reality Bobby is the dumbass hick. He’s a pedophile, we’re selling children into slavery to be molested-“ says the CIA.

“And there’s a slim chance that Vladimir Putin could actually try to contact her if there’s an Illuminati sincerely.” says M6.

“OK um that’s kind of funny.” says an American reader.

“So she found the kid attractive or you’re using colloquialisms in your own head and getting confused. Has she told you that she finds people attractive and you guys took that to heart and now you’re offended?” says a reader.

“I don’t think she’s confused. I think they are. I’m betting that she’s told Bobby that she ‘…thinks he’s attractive.’ verbatim.” says a gay male reader.

“Yes, she has. He’s about to deny it but yes, that’s verbatim what she said to him and all of us.” says the CIA.

“Were people this weird before you discovered her or have people just gotten exponentially stranger since you discovered her?” asks a reader.

“Why are there gay young men following Bobby around telepathically?” says another reader.

“Lacey I think you’re too nice. I think you confuse people cause you’re stuck in the 1800s if there’s reincarnation. Sweetie people don’t tell each other stuff like that anymore.” says a perfume collector.

“But if people don’t know that I don’t want them to get hurt and confused.” says Lacey,

“Yes, people have gotten weirder since she arrived. Yes, yes yes.” says the CIA.

“So she didn’t find him attractive?” says Bobby, crying.

“No she did not find that little boy attractive. When she gets attracted Honey she’s flustered in a very different way. She gets flustered for lots of reasons, so did I, but no, she was not attracted to that child. I know she was not attracted to that child, and to be perfectly honest with you when she’s really attracted to people, she doesn’t get flustered at all, um when she’s very aroused by me, sometimes she gets flustered and you’ve watched many times but that’s not the same thing as what was happening. She was feeling…accosted psychically. The truth is that kid and a lot a little boys are very fresh nowadays. They have some idea in their head that older women will find them attractive, and as a self-defense mechanism, they can be a little fresh. A lot less than they used to be though which is actually not necessarily a good thing, but that’s a little insulting to Lacey and I because we’re not attracted to them and we find it a little insulting but then we think, ‘Oh they don’t know any better!’ or I would think that. She starts trying to figure out what the Hell is going on and who brainwashed those poor children.” says Lem. “But she would never allow them to do anything with her ever, that’s repulsive that you would even think that she would. And she would never want them to.”

“I am so fucking confused by you people. Why do you crucify her for imaginary pedophilia that she doesn’t have sincerely, yes yes. And then, at the same time, you guys are selling children into slavery to be molested! …I don’t understand. How are you people reconciling that in your head.” says a reader.

“Because she’s such a hypocrite. She’s a hypocrite, and reflect or something creepier about her than there is about us.” says a Blavk actress from Sex And The City.

Later.

“Except she’s not a hypocrite because she’s not actually attracted to kids at all and her thinking is that that kid is good-looking in general. Good-looking is her way of trying to describe the fact that the kid is good-looking as a kid. Not in relation to her. And you guys keep reading sexual innuendos into what she’s saying that don’t exist and then something tells me you’ve been trying to confuse her probably with thoughts that she knows are repulsive and strange and she thinks, ‘What the fuck is this all about?’ and then you’re like, ‘That’s your thought!’ and she goes, ‘That’s not my thought! No, that was bizarre!’ and then you’re like, ‘Fuck, why do you know that’s not your thought!? Have you had thoughts like that before?!’ and she’s like, ‘No, I haven’t had thoughts like that before!’ …And then you guys start getting freaked out because you realize that she’s not a pedophile and then you start interrupting her. Is that about right?” says a reader.

“Yes. And we just found out that it’s very possible that Russia?did this maneuver tonight‘s to try to rile things up and unfortunately it was effective because now the DNC has been hit.

…I would not be surprised if he actually is thinking about contacting her if there’s ‘ no illuminati,’ except I think he’s smart enough to know that there could be a ghost who’s involved and he’s probably smarter than we are about that in America. And what I can’t figure out though is why people keep falling for it. She’s obviously not a pedophile as that reader has figured out.

They borrowed that playbook from like years ago. We stopped accusing her of being a pedophile about I don’t know six or seven months ago for the most part…but then I think they know that’s really irritating to her and she starts losing her shit and like firing and pulling punches and let me tell you she is dangerous she is she’s probably Tom Banks’s daughter. She’s definitely not someone to get into a fight with and honestly they know that and I think they were trying to piss her off and see what would happen, and no there isn’t some man keeping an eye on her who is alive who can say, ‘Why are you walking around so weird? Why are you suddenly sweeping everything in the living room like you’re fighting a war against dusts?’” says the CIA.

“Okay…so…Bobby wants to know why Lacey said that he was attractive. …Because that was…what happened. And…it’s just…such a bad feeling.” says a young gay man,

“Because he is attractive.” says Lacey.

“So you’re not attracted to him?” asks the young man.

“Not…really.” says Lacey.

“Okay! So you are a pedophile?” says the young gay man.

“NO! No! She’s not! She’s trying to describe the situation. He’s attractive. But she finds him almost entirely unattractive. …She’d NEVER have sex with him. Or engage in any sexual activity at all with him.” says Lem.

“OH YEAH! Then why when you two were having sex last Thursday…when she was kissing you…and she kept kissing me…did she keep kissing me? …I astral projected! …I gave her a ten second warning. Full ten seconds.” says Bobby.

“You did. But I didn’t pay attention. I was having sex with Lem.” says Lacey.

“So!? He’s not straight anyway.” says Bobby.

“No. They were having sex. Bill Gates saw too…and he says they were.” says a CIA agent.

“Yeah. I got bored and psychically tuned them in. There’s nothing they can do about it…but…I got really bored.” says Bill Gates.

“YOU SUCK!” Bobby yells at Bill Gates.

“Bobby…do you mean that…or are you just…being flirtatious?” asks M6.

“I’m being serious. …He is…a cheat.” says Bobby. “Total con-artist.”

“So…Bobby…why did you astral project again?” asks the CIA. “We’ve been counseling you not to.”

“During their supposed sex?” says Bobby.

“Yes.” says the CIA.

“Because I had to. He needed to be rescued.

I heard them and I thought, ‘DAMN! They’re at it again!’ says Bobby. “So I just…got involved.”

“Why!?” says the CIA.

“Because! They need to be separated.

He’s gay. She’s attracted to me. …Yeah. I know that sounds dumb. But…that’s how I see it.” says Bobby.

“So she’s ugly?” says a reader.

“No! She’s not.” says Bobby.

“But I bet you tell her otherwise.” says a reader.

He is silent.

“So you astral projected yourself. While they were having sex? Huh…did you see them actually having sex?” says a reader.

“Yes. He was…penetrating her I guess you could say. …But ahh…I don’t know. It made me feel weird.” says Bobby.

“So he had his dick in her? And she…was laying there. And…they were having sex. And…you…just…jumped on her?” says an FBI agent.

September (Instrumental) by Sparky Deathcap plays.

“Yeah. What of it?” says Bobby.

0:52

“Did she fight you?” asks an enthralled FBI agent.

“No!” says Bobby. “She shoved me off. But…I wouldn’t say she fought me.”

“Tonight is HALLOWEEN Bobby.” says the FBI.

“AHH…okay?” says Bobby.

“Okay. So…she shoved you off. I’d say she definitely resisted your spirit.

Umm…had you been watching them masturbating?” says the FBI.

Bobby gets suddenly weird. And quiet.

1:15

“Bobby. THIS IS CREEPY!” says the FBI.

“I think Martha is trying to warn us.” says M6.

“Bobby…stop spiritually suffocating people.” says the FBI.

“Trick or treat?” says Lacey.

“So…did you kill her?” says the FBI.

“No. I-“ says Bobby. “You can’t kill someone that way.”

“It’ll look like a heart attack.” says Lem. “Just like me. Except far weirder.”

“Jack…why did you do this??” says Russia.

“I didn’t have a choice.” says JFK.

The song ends.

Wallerstedt “September” should be listened to here.

“What is that??” Joe II asks Lacey.

She examines a spiritual force she can sense whenever she talks to them.

“That’s Hitler.” says Lacey.

“It is.” says Matt.

“Yah!” says Hitler.

The song ends and shifts into the slower version.

“Some things are just beautiful on there own. You don’t have to attach them to any one class or people group. Or anything. They’re just that beautiful. This song is that beautiful.” says Lacey.

“Why are you there?” a reader asks Hitler.

“They’re killing her. And she has the impression that it’s because she hit at their egos. …No other reason.

And…I want to know how true that is. Because…I’m Hitler. …And…sometimes things matter.” says Adolf Hitler.

“Wow. That was…genius.” says a reader.

“Well…see…you misunderstood Russia.” says Hitler. “He finds her very attractive. Very! But…you repress each other. And you’ve lied about that for many decades. He can’t easily offend any of you. So…he has many considerations.

But…he does.

And as she walked through today aloud..for the first time…somewhat facetiously…in tone…not in fact…he’s tortured by it.

Don’t lie. You know he has slept with her. It’s real even if it’s silly.

But Lem is real. And he has considerations.

What exactly do you want him to do!?” says Adolf Hitler.

Facades by Philip Glass plays.

“Lem are attached for eternity.

Could they be separated? Wow! How badly does Putin need her? Or love her?” says Hitler.

“You guys why is Adolf Hitler helping us?” says a female reader.

“No! What do you want Putin to do?!?” says Hitler.

Later.

Dark Horse by Katy Perry plays as demons of lust and vanity motivate Bobby Kennedy Senior to attack Lacey.

“She hotter than any of us. But that just makes me mad at God. Dammit God hates the Irish. Let’s fuck her over.” he said in 1974 to JFK. “I say we do an inverse Cinderella. Send her back to Earth. And totally fuck her over.”

“Lem refused to suck your cock too!?” said JFK.

“Yeah. He likes pussy.” said Bobby.

“Dammit. You’ve never told me that.” said JFK.

“Send her back to Earth?” said JFK confused.

“Inside joke. You’ll understand.

Ahh…I hate her. Purely for petty reasons.

How dare anyone take Lem from us!” said Bobby.

“Why does it upset you?” asked JFK.

“Because! We OWN HIM. WE OWN HIM. HE LIVES TO SUCK OUR SHIT. And…I LOVE IT!” said Bobby.

“My god! You are grim.” said JFK, acting weirded out by his brother’s intensity.

“I am.

Let’s torture her like we tortured Marilyn.” said Bobby, giggling.

“You fucked Jackie.” said JFK.

Bobby starred at him.

“You nigger!” said JFK.

“I’m not…saying…that I didn’t love her…but…you imagine things. …I don’t think you understand. We told Marilyn to jump off of a fucking cliff…and she did it. …And…Jackie loved it. So what!?

All I’m saying is…we teach her a lesson. She’s a dumbass golddiger because Lem is gay. Even if he’s-“ said Bobby.

“Stop. I cannot handle anymore stupidity. Seriously. I want to drill holes in all Kennedy brains, you are SO FUCKING STUPID. I CANNOT STAND IT!!” screams Lacey in 2024.

Bobby and Jack are shown images of Lacey and Lem having mind-blowingly good sex.

“I’m going to fool myself into thinking someone reading this someday has enough intelligence to find what I’m about to write hilarious.” says Lacey.

Made Me Glad by Sandi Patti plays as they watch.

“Oh! Good tunes.” says Bobby.

“It is kinda chill.” says JFK.

The stand and sway.

Bobby stops and focuses on her and Lem. Pauses the screen.

1:35

“What is he doing?” asks Bobby.

3:26

“Is that a pinky I see up?” says Bobby.

“OH MY GOD!!! YES!!!” screams JFK.

They analyze the image.

“He is SO GAY!!” says Bobby, laughing.

(Adult content warning)

“Yeah.” says JFK.

They unpause it.

The song ends.

They pause it again.

“What is that?” asks Bobby.

“He’s laying on her funny. Like…he has his arms too far out or something.” says JFK.

They keep watching.

The Olympic Spirit by John Williams plays.

“Oh okay. So this is where he orgasms. When she’s on top. …Huh. I didn’t know boobs-“ says Bobby. “Why eat them!? YUCK!”

Jack covers his mouth. His eyes grow wider.

“I’m not going to say that I knew he’d look like that…but I knew he would.” says Bobby. “He looks like he’s having a heart attack. How sick! Why do men do that!?”

“Because they’re…idiots. I don’t know.

I kind of liked it. …Why didn’t he ever make that face for me?” says JFK. He pouts.

“Because he’s not gay. …I honestly doubt he’s gay.” says Bobby, sadly.

“But the pinky!” says JFK.

“Jack…I’m not going to lie. I see an angle…but it doesn’t look promising.” says Bobby.

“But he’s gay! We saw him! He said gay things. He sick my cuck. He did! He gay!!! Come on! He gay!” says JFK.

“Mmm…possibly.” says Bobby. “But…he seems kinda straight.”

“No. Men don’t ever suck cock unless they are gay. NEVER! Let’s get real. It’s impossible!” says JFK. “Do not lie!!”

“Well…but then how did he get hard? …He obviously overcame his homosexuality to do that.” says Bobby.

“He could have cheated.” says JFK.

“How!?” says Bobby.

“A demon! Come on!! He is demon possessed!!” says JFK.

“I…doubt that. But…okay?!?” says Bobby.

“No! It’s not possible! …Nobody makes love like that.” says JFK.

Bobby looks embarrassed.

“No! NO ONE! Come on. …It’s not real!” says JFK.

“Well…he likes women. Sometimes. …So we just have to punish her for being so slow. And hurting you so badly.” says Bobby.

“I am a strong man. I will recover.” says JFK.

“I can hardly wait until things go back to normal.” says Bobby. “You’ll be okay!”

“So…are we done now!?” JFK asks God.

“Do you want to watch them cuddling?” asks God.

“That’s okay. We already know he’s gay.” says Bobby.